Rincewind's Last Chance
by Justine Kilimanjaro Rofling
Summary: Rincewind finds himself chased to Hogwarts where he goes on his most incredible adventure yet. Chased by Hans Landa, nightmarish visions of Snape's body, he has to figure out the meaning of Luna's Dreams and enlist the help of Gandalf the Greybeard before it is too late and the Monolith destroys them all. Book 1 of 3
1. Disclaimer

**Rincewind's Last Chance - Justine Kilamanjaro Rofling**

I do not own any of the copyrights to the content featured in my writing. I'm just a poor girl from a poor family.


	2. An Unexpected Suprise

**Chapter 1 - An Unexpected Suprise**

Snape and Dumbledoor were sitting back in their big leather recliners in the staff room of the school. Dumbledoor's beard glistened in the crimson light from the immortal fire in the middle of the room, at the mantlepiece, where people would sit around when they were in the room. He stroked his pet bird that rested upon his mighty wide shoulder and looked to Snape and said to Snape "I am really happy with how life is now, how do you feel Severeus?". Snape took a long puff on his big bendy pipe and sighed, "Yes, life is much less stressful now that all of the difficult things like Voldemort and Death Eaters and Umbridge and even the exams are over. What could go wrong?". What indeed. They chortled and puffed on their pipes, Dumbledoor's pipe was larger but Snape's was bendier so they were both great in their own ways. If they had been looking towards the window they would have perhaps noticed the brief shadow upon the hills on the horizon. Something was coming over the hills, and half an hour later something smaller followed it. But Snape and Dumbledoor were content with their tobacco, and their fire, and didn't notice that something was coming.

On the outskirts of Hogwarts Hagrid and his big dog sat in front of his fire. He had just finished a long day of sweeping leaves and teaching pets how to fly, and just wanted to sit down and watch some Wizards basketball. It was just like normal basketball except people could fly a bit. The people could fly for real but there were restrictions brought in by the WBA (wizarding basketball association) to prevent easy dunking and blocking shots. LeBronious Jamorous used to be the best Basketballing Wizard in the World but a curse had been placed on him in his groinal area in the finals a few years ago and he could not jump anymore which really hurt his game. Hagred always wanted to be a basketball player and because he was big this should have been easy but it was not because he was so fat and could not run fast and was only good at standing under the rim and taking dunks, which were illegal now because of the WBA, and layups.

Hagrid heard a knock at the door and was really pissed with whoever it was knocking because everyone knows that Hagrid works really hard and deserves a brake at night to watch sports. Hagrid walked over towards the old wooden door and opened it to the dark landscape that was the Hogwarts Hills under the pale moonlight of the night's sky. He gazed up towards the stars and to Orion's belt and after a few seconds of wonderment he heard a sound underneeth his eyes. He looked down to where a normal person would be standing and nobody stood there. He looked down further to where a midget or a person in a wheelchair would be standing up to and there was a big box with big handles and a glorious veneer. Before he could get a good look at the box it quickly ran into his house, and just then Hargid noticed that it had lots of little feet, like the feet of babies, but really strong because they could hold a big heavy box with a big heavy veneer on it. They had legs as well but he could only see the feet because he was so high (he also did drugs too because he was a hardcore muthafucka who listened to old school bands like Nirvana, and Nickleback, and not gay ass bitches like Justin Gaybier and The Black Eyed FagBoys.) "What's going on with you?" Said hagred to the box, which was stupid because although the box had feet and legs they did not have ears, although despite this the box seemed to be able to hear him because it stopped storming about on its feet and seemed to look up at him.

Fred and George were running about like a couple of fanny boys without a car in the world, they were using the Marinade Map to tell when the teachers or Mr Filch and his stupid cat were about to come and stumple upon them and bring them back to their rooms. They were chasing each other when they heard a big mighty yell, like a yeti who sat down on the toilet seat without checking to see if the person before had wiped their pee of and they had not. They looked yonder to the West where the yelp had come from and seen the roof of Haggerd's hut blast off into the air like how Team Rocket blasts off again, but only for the first time. Just then a big bang happened like the start of the Universe but only just in a small space in front of the brothers and after the big cloud of dust disappeared then Fred and George looked into the cavernous crater and saw to their mighty and justifiable surprise, a box with legs.

"Wow, would you look at that" they both said at the same time. "I have never seen something this odd since back when that emo bitch bellytricks lastrange was killing people and turning them into things and weird stuff like flying tents and flu portals and that big talking spider that was there for a bit but never really existed after a while" they said. Suddenly, the box jumped up using it's mighty baby legs and flew further into Hogwarts, in fact it flew over to the big fancy teacher's lounge where Snape and Dumbledoor were still sitting and where they were smoking before but were now drinking wine because they were so sofistikated. Fred and George looked to each other, they both knew that it was bad for the box to go near the teachers lounge because only teachers were allowed in it (that was why it was called the teachers lounge duhh) and not even the police were allowed in because it had a magic seal that sat outside and guarded the door. Just as Fred and George were nervously looking at each other like a couple of worried boys, Snape and Dumbledoor sat in anticipation, knowing that something was going to arrive. As they were in the middle of expecting a big boom happened on the roof, and as they looked up to the ceiling that was really high in the sky, the big leggy box tumbled down the chimney like a santa that was without presents, and there were no raindeer on the roof either.

"Ah, so you have arrived after all Mr. Luggage" said Fumbledoor to the box. "I suppose you are after your friend and master, well he is not here and even if he was here then I would have no job telling you about his whereabouts" said Dumbledoor. The box looked angry and looked at Snape who just groaned a little like he was fed up with the boxes shit. The box seemed to sigh even though it did not have a mouth and ran out of the room and flew off into the woods where it slept at night. "It has gone, you can come out now" sighed Dumbelldoor to the bookcase that had lots of books on it about magic tricks and books that were about the history of magic with all the famous old magicians who were now dead. Like the wizard Jesus Christogard who made people think that he was dead for a few days but was actually hiding behind the biggest rock in the Middle East. From behind the bookcase came a little man with a raggy red robe with tears in it and rough patches from where it had torn by being cuaght on rocks and walls. "Are you sure it is gone?" He whispered. "What? I can't hear you from all the way over here?" Said Dumbledoor back to the man, it was a very big room.

The little man creped closer to the old wizard and said it again "Are you sure it is gone?" He whispered. "Oh, most certainly, it has vanished to the dark wizarding woods to sleep and wait for the next day." Said Dumbledoor. "Why the fuck are you running away from a stupid walking box anyway?" Barked Severeus like a big ravenous dog. "I-i-it's because I got pissed off when it cockblocked me with some hot babe down at the DiscPub and I called it a fag-ass and it went mad and tried to engorge me and take me into it". The luggage had actually just been trying to get a drink and needed his master to order at the bar because he was taller than the luggage even though the man was still short like Muggsy Bogues from ages ago in basketball who was the shortest person and just ran between peoples legs. "I tried running to the big wizard building that was next door but they would not let me in because they banned me from there for failing school when i was younger, so I ran to the next place that I could think of which was here, Hogwarts. I always wanted to return to school because I am no longer such a gay dork who couldn't get any girls and even though I just sat reading like a dick I still didn't get any smarter because my brain was wrong like a disabled kid." "cool, I understand", said Snape, "so you want to enter Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizerdry, aren't you a bit old for this? None of the other first year students have a beard?".

"I know I am older than other kids, but I am still young at heart, even though I am 32 years old said the man" said the man. "OK then, what is your name?" Asked snape like an questionable man. "My name is Rincewind" said Rincewind. His name was Ricewind, a failed old wizard who was down on his luck, trying to get some muggle pussy at a run down pub and had one last chance at a great life of magic and fun, and he had decided that if he did not make it as a famous wizard that he would just kill himself because fuck being a muggle (A.N. I am not a muggle, fuck them). "It is now too late to introduce you to the other children, you must sleep, for tomorrow is the longest day of your life. Tomorrow you will face the sorting hat who will sort you out and tell you where to live, and you will meet the other students. I STRONGLY suggest that you shave off that mangy facial hare on your face, or else the other students will think you are either ancient like Dumbledoor, or have some sort of disease." Said Snape, "there is no bed for you tonight and so you can sleep with me, but no homo stuff" said snape. Snape maybe looked a bit gay but he was a straight as a ruler (and not one of those bendy rulers that you can't even use for anything). And Snape led him into his bedroom, and said goodnight to Dumbledoor who continued to enjoy getting drunk on wine. "Goodnight, Severus and Rincewind, and remember, no gay stuff".


	3. A Nightmare To Remember

**Chapter 2 - A Nightmare To Remember**

Rincewind found himself led to Snape's room, or at least what he was expecting to be a room but was more like a big scary dungeon with no windows and some spiders but only in the corners of the room. The only light in the room came from outside, where the hall light was in its normal place. As the door slammed behind he was left in the pitchfork black with the creepy butt cool progressor snape. "So, do you prefer to be the big spoon or the little spoon?" Said Snape "just kidding, I don't do that shit lol". Rincewind sighed a sigh of relief "phew, boy, am I glad?", and he was glad. Snape was not sexy, he had nearly no tits, and a tiny black dick like single hundred and thousand. After that they both climbed into bed wearing their pyjamas, Rincewind wore old worn out ones, with holes in them, but the holes did not reveal his boy parts. And snape wore his which were leathery and made from snakes because he was in charge of slithering and all of the slithering children, and they all liked snakes, and reptiles and stuff. They lay down on opposite ends of the bed and did not touch each other and went to sleep.

Snape slept through the night like a baby Snape, but Rincewind was tormented through his slumber and did not know the sweet joy of proper RAM sleep. Ringwind kept having the same recurring dream that always started the same way. That he was back in his house back at the discworld part of the world, and he was on his DiscMacbook watching DiscTube videos with some super hot warrior lady who had big boobs and muscles everywhere that they eye could see, and while he was waiting for the videos to buffer he would look around the room to take in the sights. After a while, the video player just stopped working and Rincewind looked angrily to his right where the hot warrior lady previously was, and she had been replaced with...Profressor Snape!

Snape coyly whispered to him "so, if your internet is down, i guess that means we can play with each other", and then Snape would pull back the covers to reveal his tiny balls and penis that were shrouded like the turin shroud by his wooly mammoth ball hairs. His balls were so tiny but the hair that afro'd out of them was seriously surprising. As Rincewind tried not to look down he looked up and saw that Snap was giving him sex eyes and like a cat, his penis began to grow and grow. It looked like an ice cream cone with really off caramel ice cream on top, "lick it", said Snape. "Lick my lovely creamy goodness and make me feel every taste bud of your lips as you play mouth games with my cock". This was the bad moment for Rincewind, he didn't want to make mouth sex with Snape but he felt like he must. He slowly leered towards it, getting closer. He opened his mouth like a shocked snowman and closed his eyes, took a last breath, and...woke up.

Rincewind woke up in a swimming pool of his own sweat juice, he nearly screamed but it would have woke up Snape who was lying next to him and fully clothed. This same dream happened several tims over the night and each tim brought Rincewind closer and closer to his throbbing confectioners treat. He was worried that he would never be able to see into Snapes' eyes ever again after that long confusing night.

The next morning he woke up with a shitload of that sleep gunk in his eyes, "fuck it, I couldn't sleep last night", Rincewind said. "Why in the heavens not?" Snape said? "I kept having this horrible nightmare where I did things that I would not want to do!" Said Rincewind. Just then, Snape go up and even though he was still wearing his snakey pyjames, all Rincewind could see was his bushy man area and it brought back many bad memories. "Please put some clothes on!" Demanded Rincewind. "Fine, look who's a pissy bitch in the morning, this will affect your sortingness you know?!", recieved Snape. Rincewind didn't care, he didn't know anything about the sorting hat and the houses and what it meant to be slithering.

And so they walked out, Snape leading the way into the big hall where all of the children were sat down at the big long picnic benches and were waiting for the big announcement from Dumbledoor at the end of the room. There was a big microphone in front of his face at all times in this room so he could be heard all the way at the back. "Sit down children" sad Dumbledoor "today we will be greeting a new student into the loving arms of our halls here at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizerdry. His name is Rincewind and he doesn't have a last name because he is from a far away land in our own world. He is a bit older than you all but he is still probably cool so please don't be a dick to him.". And Rincewind walked up to the front of the hall as everyone clapped their hands to him. "Please sit doon in the chair to be sorted", said McGoniggle. And he sat down. As he sat down some elfy guy came over and helped the talking hat onto Rincewinds face and the hat said "hmmmmmmm… you have a lot of potential for many things in life, you have experience with many parts of the world and have been on many adventures but you are still quite stupid for now. For you will now live in...HOOFLEPOOF!". And just like that Rincewind's raggedy red tunic thing vanished, but he was not butt naked because as soon as it banished, it was replaced with a perfectly fitting top that had the hooflepoof logo on it, which was a big bear like animal that was growling at a tree. Everyone applauded but Rincewind was not happy. "No, I do not want to be rememberd like a big retarded bear, I want to be known from my brave adventures with stupid people where I had to lead the way. I deserve to be a Gryffin!", shouted Rincewind. The hall was silent. Never had such disobedience penetraded the hall. "Ass you wish" said the hat, and poof! He was a gryffindoor. Everyone celebrated and threw their hats in the air and if they didn't have hats they threw their food for Mr Filch and his stupid cat to clean up later. Rincewind then had to sit down somewhere.


	4. Rincewind's First Friends

**Chapter 3 - Rincewind's First Friends**

Rincewind gulped, and closed his eyes and walked out forward to where the Gryffindoor desk was. He decided that if he just picked randomly that nobody could accuse him of being weird for sitting with them because he had a proper reason and that was that he just sat without thinking about sitting next to them. He stumbled over peoples backpacks and personal belongings and eventually felt himself falling down, lucking there was a seat there ready for him to fall down onto. He sat down awkwardly, trying to avoid the gays of all of the teenagers that surrounded him, like a swarm of flies around the aging body of an old hippopotatomous that had been having trouble with low self esteem and was now waiting out in the desert part of the jungle to die. A million beady little wizard and witch eyes were around him, he felt his eyelids heavy with drops of sweat, he was worried that he was going to pass out but did not. Next to him were two people, one on each side. The person on the right looked like a cool sort of guy to hang around with, and you wouldn't have to worry about liking some girl that actually liked him because he was kinda weird looking, like a giant mouse on the steroids that stole Neil Armstrong's ball. "Hi, I'm Neville Longbottom" said Neville Longbottom, "nice to meet you, Rincewind was it?". "Hi, and yes that name you said is mine", said Rincewind. He could tell then that Neville was going to be a good friend but nothing major and a little forgettable, but nice all the same and important as a person. He looked to his other side and saw something peculiar. It was a girl who looked perfectly normal but in a peculiar way. Her blonde hair the colour of salad cream, and her blue eyes the colour of the bottletops for whole milk. She was not the sort of girl that Rincewind normally sooked after but her decent everyday looks were refreshing, like a glass of lemon and lime juice, or a capri sun.

"Who are you?", pryed Rincewind, trying to get to know the girl. "I am Luna Lovegood, I am quirky and Irish, and I talk to dead horses and stuff like that." Although she looked nicely forgettable, her quirky personality appealed to Rincewind even more. "What brings you to my school?" Asked Lunca mysteriously. "I always dreamt of being a wizard", said Rincewind "but I always was shit at it and couldn't do much apart from one spell at the end of some story but other than that it's been pretty much hopeless. I was banished from my homeland and have been sprawled over many pubs since, doing nothing but drink and play darts really badly and lose at darts. I once threw a dart up so badly that it hit some guy on the back of the head and he was bleeding and angry and threw up a chair at me. That's how I got this scar." Rincewind then lifted up several locks of his crimson red hair and revealed his secret that was normally hidden underneath his hair and hat and other things that were on his head at various times. It revealed his secret, a big throbbing scar in the shape of a X like on a pilates treasure map.

"Wow cool" said Luna "I don't have any big scars like that, my fingers are a bit numb from all of the times that my dad has handed me cups of tea and coffee and I had to grab them by the big part of the cup as he held onto the handle, and he would hold onto the handle for weirdly long because he is quirky too". Luna showed Ricewind his hands and the the fingers at the ends of each hand were a bit more white at the tips, even though luna herself was really pale and almost white like a sheet of paper anyway. Rincewind then reached out his hands and touched the tips of her fingers and they felt tough like a burnt eraser, but less hot. Luna said "although I lost all feeling in those tips, the lack of pain has made them super strong and I can do many things that people wouldn't think that I could do with my fingertips". Rincewind was impressed and curious, he wanted to see the fulfilled potential of her tough tips but this was not the right time and/or place to do so.

"Please remain seated and shut up while I give the announcements about the coming term", said McGoniggle. "As well as your normal classes, there will be a series of challenges that will push you all to the very limits of your being until some of you will be left as crying piles in the corners of the rooms, like the sad piles of mash potato at the corners of the plates that nobody really liked." The room gasped at once, and even the ghosts seemed scared which was weird because normally ghosts were the scary ones and nobody ever thought that something could scare a ghost. "There will be sporting events, and musical events, and endurance challenges, and anything difficult that you can think of". Rincewind shuddered, what had he gotten himself into. Nothing else mattered, the erotic visions of Snapes body, the near call for hooflupoof, Neville's friendship, and Luna's hard tips, none of this mattered. The silence in the hall was shocking and was suddenly interrupted by a giant BOOM outside, and the lights went out.

People were screaming and hugging each other, sacred to death about what would happen next, they did not know. Rincewind had no idea what to do, to his right Neville had ran off, and he was braced for death. Just then he felt a cold hand grab his arm. "Quick, come with me", said Luna, as she grabbed tightly onto Rincewind's arm and pulled him along. She pulled him quickly right through the middle of the crowd of frightened teenagers and the booming sound from outside loudened even loudener. Once they were clear they were running down an open hallway when she pulled him towards what he thought was a wall but was actually a door that he did not notice. They were suddenly in a small room with a small naked light above them, and shelves with bottles on them. "Where is this place?" Inquired Rincemind. "This is the Janitor's Closet of Requirement", said Luna, "Not many people know about this place, but a dead animal told me once and I have known that I can use this if shit ever goes down". "Wow cool" said Rincewind "what do you think will have happened to the rest of them?" He asked, worried about the answer. "I don't know, I have never heard such a sound in all my years here, and there's been some seriously stuff previously let me tell ya!". Luna had been about but not heavily involved when there were all of the wars and battles and people were killed left, right, and centre too. Snape and Dumbledoor and one of Fred and George had been killed too but they had been brought back from the dead when Hermione had used her time turner to turn time and she rescued them and brought them back but she had to leave a version of them to die in that universe. So she found a parallel universe where all of those people were shittier and she kidnapped them and traded them with the cool ones and sacraficed the shitty ones so that the cool ones could live. It was simple but it sounded complicated and that is how they were all still alive and not emotionally scarred and stuff.

"Can we even leave this place?" Asked a scared but acting brave Rincewind. "Yes, but only when danger has-" Luna said but she was interrupet at the end and didn't get to finish. Suddenly the sounds of screaming from behind the door burst through and they could curdle blood like when milk and fizzy juice mix. "That's Crabbe!" Said Luna "He's my boyfriend, I can't let him die". Crabbe was a stupid looking fat fuck with a simple face, a stupid buzzy haircut and an unconvincing mousetache. His faced literally looked like a football (like a round one not the egg shaped thing you dumb americans use and lie and say is a gootball!), and even the meer sight of it would make you want to kick it, nobody had any idea what someone as nicely quirky and charmin as Luna could see in that stupid prick. Just then, Luna quickly moved away from Rinwind and left the room. Rincewind could have just stayed to keep himself safe but he was too cool and gentlemanish like the Fonz, only Rincewind didn't wear a leather coat and attack juiceboxes, so he left after her, to save her and even that prick Crab (like the annoying animal) if she was about, but if he just saw him he would let him be killed haha!

As Rincewind left the Janitor's room he could see devastation as far as the eye could see, which wasn't all that far as he had quite shitty vision and was still waiting on his glasses being made. Something had gone wild and attacked many people and tore up everything, and he had a sneaky suspicion of what it might be. He purse his lisp and made a whistle sound and all of the rampage sounds stopped. The whistle echoed like an echo in an echo chamber and a few small footsteps walked closer and closer to him, before they started to come round the corner. It was time for Rincewind to face his luggage.


	5. Reconsillyation

**Chapter 4 - Reconsillyation**

The two mighty warriors faced down each other with their faces held up high. The air was so tense that you could cut it with a blunter object than a knife, like a spatula or something. Rincewind waved his mighty hands in the air and said "look, I understand you are mad at me, but there is something you need to understand". The luggage seemed unimpressed, like he could see right through his bullshit. "I was getting pretty well on with that girl at the bar and you kept perstering me like a belated child. I was pushed to the limit and to the point of no going back but I was still a dick and you are both a friend of mine and a piece of my property. I guess what I am saying is-". But before Rince Wind could finish his speech, the box waddled over to him slowly, but in a sudden way to intrupt him, and the luggage opened its lid. Inside the lid was a note, a note which had a message so important to Rincewind, and so dangerous that it had been writting in blood! Rincewind forgot that he was apologising to the box and opened the letter. Inside was a terrible truth. "I have terrible news Rincewind. There is a dark spirit that is following you, and it will not stop until you, and all that you love is dead. It has passed onto you because it has killed me and I'm writing this in my blood because I am dying and there is only paper near me and no pen. You were the bestest friend Ricewind, and I'll never forget our wonderful stories even though I will be dead. Bye, Twoflower".

Rincewind cried a single, night black tear, that fell down his strong cheekbones and got lost somewhere in his beard. "This sounds bad" said Rincewind. "Is this all you've been trying to tell me all this time?" He asked. The luggage couldn't really talk but Rincewind then realised that the luggage hadnt actually been trying to get a drink at the bar, or try to prevent him from wetting his wizard weiner, but had really been trying to let him know that his friend was dead and to run away. "I guess I'll have to keep an eye open at all times" said rincewind "I have a feeling this will be our most exciting adventure yet". Who was the shadow and where are they now? Does it know that Rincewind ran to Howgwarts? Will it try to fuck things up with him and Luna? Only time would tell.

After all of the chaos had stopped and people could just realise that the luggage was actually OK and had just been misunderstood, they all left and went to go to bed and leave Mr Filch and his stupid cat to clean up all the mess and rebuild the building (A.N. Serves him right the price). It was going to be Rincewinds first proper night in Hogwarts, he didn't really count the night before because he troubled having sleep because of Snape and his weird dreams. He stumbled through the halls trying to find other people that he knew so he could know where to go and he found Neville, who was having trouble tying his laces in the hall. "Hey dude, how's it haning?" Asked Rincewind, trying to sound cool and downs with the kids. "Not bad, are you ready for your first night as a proper student?" asked Neville back. "I think so, where do I go, I don't see any beds here, just stairs and benches and bins", replied a worried and tired Rincewind. "Oh that's right, we need to go through a painting that's further up the hall, she's a bit of a moany bitch at times but she lets us in", said Neville who knew this because he had been here for years. And so they walked up the stairs that moved around a lot and walked up to the painting of a fat lady who looked like the vicar of dibley. "Heyo, what's appenin then?" She called out. "What time are you callin' this? You all should have been in bed yonks ago me boys!". She did not know about the luggage and all of the damage and destruction because she was singing opera songs, she didn't know the words and wasn't very good but she tried. "There was a huge explosion and people nearly died but its all OK now" said Neville. "This is my new friend Rincewind" said Neville "he's a bit older than the rest of us but he's cool, and that big box with legs is his breifcase" explained Neville. He was wrong and the box was actually Rincewind's luggage but Neville was a bit slow like that. He was always close but no cigar and didn't quite get things. "Come on in then, but remember to take your shoes off before you come in" the painting said. It was good to take shoes off before you came in. So they took their shoes off before they went in and they went in. Inside the painting was a massive room with vending machines, table football, TVs for every student and chairs of all different sizes. "Wow" said Rincewind "I have never seen so much stuff". "I know" said a voice from a leather chair in front of them. The chair was turned away from them and faced out of the window, over the whomping willie outside (geddit lol). "We have much more stuff here that is cooler than you have ever seen before" said the voice. The voice sounded like a snobby twat who had grown up with a load of cool stuff and took it for grant and didnt care about the poor people. It was Percy Weasley. "Percey you big class traitor!" Shouted Neville!. Percy was the worst of Ron's brothers because he was like "oh look at me and my hair" and shit like that and nobody really cared. He always stopped the fun that Fred and George had before one of them died, and when Ron and Harry or Ginny and the friends that she had were having fun he was always a big gay.

"So, who is this bourgeois, repugnant, impecunious, mephitic, breviloquent, little man then?" Snorted percy as he lifted his big nose into the air and looked down it. "He is Rincewind and he is older than you but he is cooler" said Neville. Neville had only known Rincewind for a short amount of time but he knows that he is cool. Plus ANYONE is cooler than Percy, even Crabbe appreciates what it is like to be poor. "Very well, just don't allow myself to clasp you running truant or enduring outside past the compulsory curfew then". And he walked off with his nose held higher than before. "Ignore him, he got made perfect and now he is acting like he is some big posh King of Scotland. He actually grew up poor and was pretty cool before it all happened but now you see him." Neville explained. Just then, neither of Neville or Rincewind wanted to be perfects incase all of that power went to there heads. "Phew, boy, am I tired?" Asked Rincewind "time for me to hit the hay, where is it?". Neville raised his arm and hand and pointed to a door on the wall at the end, this was going to be Rincewind's room all to himself. Rincewind slowly walked over to the door because as Snape said this had been the longest day of his life. Just before he got to the door, the door next to his opened and out stepped Luna. She was wearing her pyjamas which were a nice and snug hoody with the house colour sand underthat was just a big long t-shirt, and she had soft short shorts on on her bottoms and little slippers on her feet that were shaped like meerkats because she is so cute but also a bit weird. "Hey, why did you come out of that door?" Asked Rincewind trying to be all sly like a dog trying to sniff another dogs butt. "Oh, hi, that is my room in there, I just came out to get a glass of-" Luna started saying but was interrupted when Rincewind said "milk?". "No" said Luna "Tropical Fruit Juice!". She was so slightly quirky it made Rincewind think that she was cute. "OK, enjoy your jews!" Said Rincewind and he went off into his room, put on his pyjames and went to bed without Snape this time and went to sleep.


	6. A Howling In The Night

**Chapter 5 - A Howling in the Night**

While Rincewand was sleeping, Luna's night was just beginning. She liked the night and really prefered it to the day. Her room was really cool and had a lot of random things in it. She liked listening to classic rock and had the big poster of a firey balloon from Led Zepplin, and pictures of the Beatles on her wall. Ringo was her favourite because he had a weird name and not a posh name like Jon, Paul or Roger. Luna lay back on her big awesome bed that was covered in black bed covers with velvetty edges and when the light hit it at the right angle it kinda had a purply glow. Luna was reading Lord of the Rings and it was her favourite book. She liked Pippin and felt that he was seriously underepresented in the movie and this made her mad. Suddenly her phone rang and her ringtone played which was the theme song to Ghostbusters. (A.N. That movie is cool and my second favourite to Groundhog day but that didn't have a cool song).

"Hello, how are you? Who is this?" Inquired Luna. "Hi it's me Eskarina, you know, your best friend?", said the voice "but of course, everyone calls me Esk for the sake of being short". "Oh yeah haha" said Luna, "why are you calling at this ungoldly hour?!" She said. "Oh, I just had a call from this number about 5 minutes ago, and when I answered it there was just a spooky voice breathing on the phone, I thought it was you dicking about" explained Esk. "Nope, that wasn't me, that's really weird" said Luna, wondering about why her phone would have done this on its own. "Are you sure it was this number?" Asked Luna. "Yes" said Esk. "Right" said Luna. "Are you sure it wasn't you?" Pryed Esk who clearly thought this was just some massive prank and that Luna was just talking from her anus. "Yes, I definetely am!" Said Luna who then slammed the phone down. Luna didn't like being taken for a liar. Just then she heard a sound from the corner of her room where a window was. She was taken aback. Her window normally made no noise, and it was really high up from the ground outside so it's not like some prick could come and knock on it or even spy on her when she's doing things in her room. She slowly got out of bed, trying not to make too much sound by rustling the covers, creaking the floorboards, or knocking stuff over. After standing, she slowly walked to the window and once she was there she could see the shadow of an owl. "Who (geddit) sent you?" She asked to the owl, but the owl just flew away. As she watched the owl fly upwards towards the pale moonlight of the moon, she noticed something slowly fluttering its way down to her like a really tired butterfly or moth. It was a small peace of paper. Once she got a hold of it she read it and was shocked at what it said.

"DEAR LUNA, PLEASE HEED THIS WARNING. YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN A REALLY FUCKED UP SITUATION. ONE OF THEM IS TOTALLY NOT WHAT YOU THINK THEY ARE, AND ANOTHER ONE WILL SOON DIE. I DO NOT KNOW WHICH ONE EACH ARE BUT THIS IS TRUE. I HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED OUT FOR YOU BUT I CANNOT PROMISE THAT I CAN PROTECT YOU WITH THIS, BUT I WILL DO WHAT I CAN".

Just as she finished reading the note, the ink began to run away from the paper, as if it was scared of what it was saying. Luna had received one letter like this before, but it was many many years ago, when she was small and Irish, and lived at home.

"Luna, will you come down for your supper girl" shouted a strong Irish voice from downstairs. "Fine" said Luna as she finished reading her book, put a bookmark in the shape of a giraffe in it, and put on her slippers that didn't even match and come down stairs. Each step in the house was a slightly different shade of brown because they were made from slightly different types of tree. "Luna, I have been calling on you to come down for ages girl, and your tea is probably cold now" said Luna's mum. "Sorry, I was just so grossed by the effervescing pages of that text you got for me last week." Luna replied. "I didn't get you no book girl, did you X" (Luna's dad had a long name that was hard to write and say so he just was called X by people. "Nope, I've been out in the shed making those puppets for the past week" he replied. The lovegood family was weird but in a niece way. "So what's this book about then?" Said Luna's mum as she handed Luna a cup of tea. The tea was actually not cold but really hot and Luna's mum kept hold of the handle for ages, building up the strength in her daughters tips without even knowing it. "Oh it's just about this farmer who lost all his sheep so he had to go out to the snowy fields to find them all and bring them back." Luna exaplined as she started eating her supper. They were having breakfast for dinner and Luna liked to mash up all of her food into one big pile of mush and eat that, but only with breakfast food. Most girls would looked like a savage beast that would be hunted down and eaten themselves if they had done this, but Luna just made it look like something that a normal person would do, and not as bizarre as it actually was. "So when he got all the sheep back to his farm, he was really tired and tried to go to bed, but the sheep weren't tired at all so they kept making all their sheep sounds because sheep really wanted to just play and play, so he sighed and got his shotgun, then I came downstairs because you called. It's Silence of the Lambs" Luna continued to explain as she georged on food like how a mad horse would eat if it hadn't been fed since a few days before. "What? You shouldn't be reading books like that?" Shrieked Luna's mum like Axl Rose, "we need to destroy this book, at once, tonight after I clean up from dinner". X went upstairs and took the book out to the hut, Luna cried on her bed when she felt something touch her on the shoulder. As she got up she found a piece of paper with writing on it that said.

"LUNA, I AM SORRY. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. PLEASE TRY TO REMAIN HOPFUL, NO MATTER WHAT THE FUTURE MAY BRING".

And that night Luna's mum died in an experiment as she was trying to destroy the book completely, and destroyed herself in the accident.

As Luna was in the middle of remembering this in the present she was suddenly interrupted by a loud fierce sound that broke the normal sounds that would be heard like a fragile piece of furniture on the mantlepiece. Hagrid in his hut paused his basketball, Snape and Dumbeldoor looked to the window, McGoniggle jumped out of her skin and spilled her tea all down her nice dress, Rincewind lay sleeping, as he wore earplugs. But, the next morning he would be made aware of the Howling in the Night!


	7. What Was That?

**Chapter 6 - What was that?**

The long siren like howling in the middle of the night had everyone on high alert that night. Everyone was shitting themselves. What could have been causing this, all of the previous dangers were dead and therefore there was no need to really worry about them. Early on in the morning when even the farmers were still asleep in their hay filled beds, the teachers all got together in the teachers lounge and discussed the situation. "I have spoke to Hagred" said Dumbledoor "and he can confirm that there was something outside of the Hogwarts boundaries howling last night". "He has checked with all of his magical animals and none of them claim to have made the sounds", exaplined Dumbledoor further "he feels that he has heard that sound once before, perhaps in a dream". "What aboot the students?" Cried a panicking McGonibble, as she was really worried about the kids and Rincewind even though he wasn't a kid, but actually a grown man with a beard. "We can try and pretend that nothing has happened, but they aren't stupid or else they would be a school for stupid kids, and they would end up working for the government, haha fuck u Theresa Gay!" Said Dumbledoor, "We should be honest with them right from the start, and that way everyone will be on the same page and if it is really some bad thing then they will be prepared for it" suggested Dumbledoor. "No, they are far too cocky and would try to kill the beast themselves and get killed in turn if we tell them. They should be kept in the dark and we should lie to them, and tell them it was something other than some scary thing that even we don't know about" replied Snape. As Snape knew that Dumbledoor was a secret homo that he didn't want anyone else knowing about, Snape got his way by winking at the old gay like he was saying "if you go against me I'll show them the pictures fuckboi". And so it was decided, that they were going to cover up the whole story like a big blanket full of deceit over the students who were lying on beds of lies and resting their heads on pillows filled with bullshit.

As the kids woke up and started to chart with each other in the common areas and have food lots of rumours went about. Like was it just a big fart from Hagrid? Or did Mad Eye prank someone by leaving his eye on their bed pillow and when the person got a fright they scremed. Of course none of these were true, and they couldn't be, as no human could have produced that sound. All of the students knew this, but were happy kidding themselves that it was something funny instead of something horribly scray! As Rincewind sat down and started to eat his eggs, he overheard all of these stories, it reminded him of all of the rumours that he had heard before and he laughed, thinking that there was probably no real howling in the night anyway, but he was wrong as there was. Luna came out of her room, with her white eyes now quite red as she had not slept properly due to the letter and all of the stuff in the previous chapter. She went over to Rincewind and said to him "I need to talk to you in private". Rincewind could sense that she was really worried like he had some sort of spidey sense for worriment and said back to her "okay, where can we talk". "I have something private to show you in my room" said Luna back to him, and he thought that he was going to be getting his hole for sure now! So he hopped along into her room and sat down on her bed expecting her to get naked. "I need to reach into my drawers to get it out, be prepared for it" she said. "Okay, just bear in mined that I'm tired and haven't done this sort of thing for a long time" Rincewind said as he started to take his socks off. "Oh, so you've helped people with mystery letters before" said Luan as she turned around to find Rincewind sitting on her bed as he finished taking his very last sock off. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Oh" said Rincewind noticing that she wasn't getting naked as well and picking up on the signs "I was just taking my socks off, I believe it to be disrespectful to sit on someone elses bed wearing them. I don't even wear them when I'm sitting on my own bed" he said "it's just how things are done back where I'm from". "Oh alright" said Luna. He had gotten away with it!

"Anyway" she continued "I got this letter last night from a mystery source and I am a bit freaked out because the last time I got a letter like this it was just before my mum died". "Let's have a look at it" said Rincewind trying to act like he knew what he was doing but he was actually just making shit up as he went along. But as soon as his eyes met the sheet with the mysterious words and letters on it he swallowed air and started choking like he had just eaten a cookie that he thought was just chocolate but his friend Steve had actually pranked him by putting chilli powder through it because Steve knew that he didn't like spicy food and Steve was a bit of a dick like that. "I know who sent this" said Rincewind with a look of sheers terror on his middle aged raggedy face. "It is...DEATH!" He exclaimed! He expected Luna to be like OMGWTF but instead she just took a bite out of her biscuit and said "oh, alright then lol". Rincewind asked to his surprise about her lack of it and she explained that because she had experience so much death and because her ENTIRE family going back til caveman times were all quirky. Her great x50 Uncle Thag Simmons was a famous caveman who was a researcher who got killed while looking at the tail of a big dinosaur too close, and they named the part of the tail that killed him after him, and they called it the Thagomizer. "So what do you think he wants with me then?" She asked Rincewind as she took another tiny bite out of her already quite small biscuit. "It seems like he really actually cares for you and wants to prevent you from harm, but it's like he only has so much control over the situation at hand." Explained Rinewind. "Hmmm...I think you're right, who do you suppose is the traitor then? I don't think it's you as you don't really know many people yet" said Luna with a laugh. Rincewind didn't know but he took her words as a compliment because they were. "I guess we'll have to see" said Rinceiwnd like a cool cat, like Top Cat from the cartoon.

And so they all went to the first class of the day which was the potions class that was being led by Severeus Snap. Rincewind sat down in his new seat as he was new to the school and his seat was sat next to Neville who was quite cool. Luna has a seat next to her ugly fucko boyfriend dickbag Crabbe, he smelled like he had been washing his clothes in Hagrid's armpits and leaving them up to dry in the Bank Goblins fart alleyways. There were lots of rumours going about that Luna actually had no sense of smell and that her nose was purely aesthetic and that was why she had it. It would really explain why she didn't throw up some sick from the sight of his smell. "So, if you turn to the back of your books on herbs in potions and revise that would be most useful" said Snape to the class "as we will be having a spot test later on to determine the seating arrangements for the upcoming year". Rincewind was suddenly worried, like a badger that was kissing his badger friend's badger girlfriend, and his badger friend was going to come back to catch them and beat up their badger butts.

Ricewine has sat one exam in his life before this story. He had faced many trials and tests otherwise, but none that had such a strict marking criteria. "When he says spot test, he doesn't mean a hard one?" asked Rincewind to Neville on his left. Neville turned to face Rincewind, leaned in closer until their faces were but a rabbit's pube hair away from each other and said in a very serious tone "In all my years here, I have never seened a Gryffindoor pass one of Snape's exams. He always makes them harder for us because we're all the good guys, and he makes them easier for his slitherings because they are his house and if they do well then they get more house points and if they win the house cup at the end fo the year then they get to go to Mickey Dees as a group and order whatever they like". Rincewind had been to the fabled golden arches once and he knew of the scale of this prize. Breville conitinued, not backing away "the only person that ever did well was Luna weirdly enough, but even when she got 98% he increased the pass mark for her to 99%/ because of her housing. So that's why she's next to Crabbe over there, because she was the highest non slithering and he was the lowest slithering". This all put thoughts into Rincewind's old but not senile brain. If he wanted to sit next to her this year then he could either do really really well in this exam and earn the place, or he could just hobble her score so that she does as shit as he does and they will both be down at the bottom. He decided to go for the second one because he had never came close to being good at learning things and he could only be a sneaky devil, that and by preventing her from sitting next to shitface, he would really be doing her a favour.

Neville then moved his head back to where it was supposed to be and carried on trying to read from his textbook. Rincewind opened the book and to his surprise the pages came to life and starting speaking directly to him. "Who goes there?" asked a stick figure in the corner of the page, "Are you the new owner of this special book?". "I believe so" said Rincewind. "Okay, well over the next few pages, you will cover basic health and safety protocol, and in particula will cover the many reasons why you have to wash your hands, and wear a hair or beardmask to cover any hair as it may be set on fire". Health and safety, this was going to be a long day.


	8. Lunch

**Chapter 7 - Lunch**

After a long session learning about how boring safety was, the bird in the corning of the room may a cooing sound that indicated that the morning's learning was over and that the studnets could all go and eat and talk to each otter. Rincewind eventually found his way to the cafeteria that he couldn't find for a while because he was new. After a long and uneventful wait in the really long cue he was at the front and faced with the choice for lunch. As he was looking at the sandwitches (heh) and the funky cartons of milk with living pictures of cows that really moo'd on them, his eye grazing was interrepted by a strong deep voice from above. It was a big grizzly woman, with warts and a big beard, and she looked like Filche's wife or sister (or maybe the same because he is a weirdo). "What the fuck do you think you're doing here you little old shit! This place is for students to come for food, not old pedos like you. The staff have to bring their own food, so fuck off!". The cafeteria lady refused to give Rincewind any food so instead he slowly walked over to a table by himself and sad down with all of his body in a sad frown, even his bum. After he was sitting sad, he felt a cold hand with firm tips touch his shoulder. "That's shocking her talking to you like that, she's just a frumpy old bitch, don't pay attention to her insults", said Luna as she sat down next to Rincewind, with her feet dangling from the seat even though they could touch the ground. "You see, she used to be nice, but one day-" Luna began and was intterupted by Rincewind again "I don't care about her insults, I've had worse. I'm just sad that I don't get to eat. I'll be wasting away soon and forced into being homeless and playing guitar in the halls for people's crumbs." Rincewind cried out with anguish. "Oh, well if you give me your money and tell me what it is that you want then I'll get it for you" said Luna. And he did, and she did, and she came back, and they smiled, and they ate. After eating a big hearty baguette between them they were both filled to the brim, and Rincewind was relieved that he didn't need to buy a guitar to fight off starvation. "Can we do this every day?" asked Rincewind, worried that Luna wood normally spend her lunchtime with shitty Crabbe instead. "Yeah sure, I normally just eat by myself, or sometimes with Neville at lunch. Crabbe is always away with his gothy friends, playing about in the bathroom or something" said Luna. "Oh, and you're okay with this?", asked Rincewind, trying to get her to undermind her relationship, but it was for her own good. "Yeah, I suppose, I often spends my weekends away from him as well with my friend Esk" she said back. Rincewind actually knew Esk but he didn't know it yet because his memory was fuzzy, like his beard, which was getting bigger and bushier every day. And so it was sorted that from now on that they would have lunch together, and sometimes with Neville because he's also important in his own way too.

After lunch they were walking to the next class which was up the tower where McGonnigel was, and the class the thing that she taught. Rincewind wanted to sit next to one of his new friends but instead was forced into sitting next to someone he hadn't really talked to yet. It was a big ginger guy who looked like both of the fannyboys who played about at night and also the big ginger prick. But this ginger guy had a friendly face and seemed genuinely nice, so Rincewind obviously took a liking to him. "Don't worry about the school too much" said the boy "everything works out in it's own way." Rincewind wondered why he would say that. "What do you mean?" asked our bearded protagonist in a questioning tone. "Well, I was a bit of a weirdo and always pretty much average at everything, but now I've got a babe girlfriend who looks like Emma Watson". The ginger guy then pointed across at his girlfriend who looked a bit like Emma Watson but not too much. She instead had curlier hair and some facial piercings that were too outlandish for someone as well to do as that famous actress to wear. "Who are you anyway?" asked the boy. "I'm-" started Rincewind before the boy said "Oh wait I remember all of the hullabaloo from yesterday, you're Rincewind! I'm Ron btw, although people call me "Captain Arr" because my name begins with R and I like to act like a pirate at halloween". Nobody actually called Ron that name, but he tried to get them all to. Ron was quite popular in his own way, but this was largely because of his girlfriend and their other friend. Without them Ron would have been like a big ginger Neville, but instead these friends made him a bit more interesting.

McGonnigle walked into the class as a cat, then turned into a dog, then a rabbit, then a chicken, then turned back into herself. The rest of the class was used to her doing this all the time because she started every class like this, but Rincewind had never seen this magic before and was amazed. "So, we have a new classmember today called Rincewind, and I figured that the best way to let him melt into the class atmosphere and get to know everybody would be to do an experiment where we all walk up to this ambiguous blob in the middle of the room once we make eye to blob contact directly with it, it will transform into that person's greatest desire, one at a time, for us all to see." said McGonnigle with a slightly worried face from the howling previously. And the students all began to line up in alphabetical order and go to the front. As Rincewind didn't have a surname he was put at the end with Ron and would have time to wait before everyone else found out his great desire. He was suddenly shitting himself even more than he had done before, because now people would have to find out about his curiousity for Luna.


	9. The Blob Knows Too Much!

**Chapter 8 - The Blob Knows Too Much!**

As the students faced the ambiguous blob, one by one, their greatest desires came clear. For some students the blob turned into a pile of money, for other's it turned into a great big load of adoring fans for quiddich and for some it turned into people that were longer about. Once they were down to the L's Rincewind looked forward along the cue for Luna's salad cream hair and saw that it wasn't there. Instead, her name was eventually called out and she wasn't there to respond or walk forward to the blob. McGonnigglet seemed a wee bit bemused and a wee bit worried about this, but she figured that it might just be something like Luna's lady periods or something like that, so she continued down the list anyway. Once it got to Ron's girlfriend Herminee she walked forward to the blob. Everyone was expecting it to turn into Ron, or maybe some books and stuff because she was a spoff, but instead it turned into a Ron with a difference. This Ron was less fat. Normal Ron wasn't all that fat, at least not as fat as he would have been if he were actually a real pirate who pillaged villages at ate people's own pies in front of their faces, and laughed, and went back on his ship to find more pies in a far away land. That being said, Ron was still a bit of a chubster, and if nothing else didn't have the toned definition that Hernimonie's blob Ron had. Blob Ron was chiselled like a big ginger rock and had muscles as far as the eye could see. Even his eyebrows were ripped. Blob Ron then started to take off his clothes and then McGonnigle quickly moved in and moved Hermione out of the way for the sake of the rest of the class and for Hermoinie herself. Everyone giggled as Hernomie turned bright red like a plum and walked back to her seat with a girl stiffy. Everyone was mostly laughing at Ron though as he wasn't as ripped as his blobself, and needed to hit the gym a lot to satisfy his girlfriend properly. "Oh geez, I'll never live this one down", Ron said to Rincewind with a cringe. Rincewing wanted to reassure him but was too busy worrying about himself. The cue was shortening now and his time was running out. After a few more people, it was Ron's turn. As Ron faced the blob it quickly turned into Hermione which was really sweet and make people aww. But to get revenge for his embarrassment earlier Ron quickly closed his eyes and thought really hard and then blob Hermione's tits grew a few cup sizes. Everyone started laughing, apart from Hermione who was clearly upset by this. She never meant for her blob Ron to be more ripped than actual Ron, but actual Ron's blob Hermione was deliberately bigger in the breast department than actual Hermione on purpose. This was a dick move by Ron who was normally better as a person than this, but would sometimes fuck up. He apologised to her at the table, and she said that he had to make her dinner for a week, and they were okay after that, as long as Ron promised to get a gym subscription.

It was now Rincewind's turn and as he was stepping up, the door burst open and in came Luna, clearly sweating and out of breath. "I'm sorry, but I was-" she started but then interrupted herself as she realised that she didn't want everyone else to know what was actually happening. "I was, actually in the toilet, y'know...lady things". And everyone knew as puberty had been covered before. So she came in late and was not in trouble. "I guess, since you missed your turn you can go now" said McGonnigle. Rincewind had never thought about what Luna's blob would be. He was so worried with his own unknown blob. As Luna walked on her feet over to the blob and made eye contact the lights in the room turned off. The light coming in the window increased to a great intensity and was almost blindingly white when the blob started to grow and grow. It was the purest black, like a TV screen that had been turned off but it was darker, like it had been turned off a thousand times without ever turning on. The blob grew further, into a giant rectangle that dominated the room. Thousands of voices filled the classroom and the tower, nobody had ever seen anything like this before. It was as though every thought ever thought was combining in one big black blob in this room, and by looking and listening to it you could see into the collective consciousness of the universe. You were at once God and everyone under his domain. You were the mother and the child. You came into life and died at the same time. Time itself seemed to stop, as though you were an observer. Rincewind thought this was really cool, but everyone else was worried and scared because they were younger, apart from McGonnigle who was the same age as Rincewind but was already worried by the howling. Just as I wrote the word howling, a howling sound came out of the blackness of the blob and Luna collapsed to the ground, out cold. The undescribable blackness turned back into an ambiguous blob and the room lights came back on. Luna was still breathing but something had happened, nobody knew what. So the school medical people came and carried her away to have her checked out at wizard and witch A & E and McGonnigle decided that class was over. As they were walking out of the room Rincewind was the last to leave and walked over to the blob anyway, to secretly see his desire. Instead the blob remained a blob, but he heard a faint whispering coming from all around his head. "This is not the right time for this" the voice said, like Professor Oak when you want to ride a bike indoors. Rincewind would have to wait.

Rincewind wondered about this for a few days. He was firstly glad that his desire wasn't Snape and his weird oily body, but was really unsure what was going on. Why did the blob stay as a blob? He asked Neville about this that night as they were watching some wizards basketball but Neville didn't really know, this wasn't in Neville's area of expertise, which was of course being a really solid friend. Rincewind asked Neville who might know about this sort of thing and he suggested that he talk to McGonnigle herself in the morning. This was good advice as she was the master of the blob and if anyone knew anything about blobs it was her. So, Rincewind and Neville continued to watch TV. As this was happening, Luna was being returned to her room after her seizure. She was being forklifted up to her room window as she didn't have the energy to deal with the questioning minds of the other children, and Rincewind who was like an old child with a beard. Once she got to her room she lay down on her bed. She was exhausted after her experience with the abyssal blob earlier and needed some rest and so she went to sleep.

In her dream she was a small bird like a sparrow but the colour of salad cream to match her hair. She flew about the trees just looking at things and doing bird stuff like stealing chips and shitting on bald people's heads for fun. After having fun with shit she felt drawn down a path under her flying wings, as if she had been here before as a child girl and not as a bird. So she slowly flew along, following the path to see where it went. It followed down a hill in the woods to a small river that was crossed by a wooden bridge. This wasn't a sort of bridge that you would get in a city with graffiti all over it because some fannies wanted to show how hard they were by claiming it as theyre terrortory. This was instead a quiet bridge that made no sound other than the sound of the water flowing underneath it and the weather above, which was sunny with a slight chance of clouding later on. As Luna looked down on this as a bird she was reminded of her childhood, playing with her father's puppets down here as he stayed up in the house making more puppets or doing other things for nearby communities. As she thought back on this a small child came roaring down the hill acting like a giraffe by pretending that she had a long neck and was grazing for leaves off the trees, but she couldn't actually reach them as she had the neck of a child. Once the child had gotten down to the bridge she placed her puppet next to her and stopped pretending to be a prarie beast and sat down. She pulled out a book and started talking to the puppet. "Now I know that this book isn't the same one we were reading before, but my mum has taken it away because she is mean". And the girl stared reading from her new book. "The drought had now lasted for ten million years" she started to the puppet which sat next to her with a wooden look on it's face, when bird Luna suddenly realised what day this was. Bird Luna then quickly flew through the leaves on the tree above child luna who stopped reading for a second to see what was making the sound. Bird Luna flew up the hill, past the postbox and to the hut outside the big house where Luna grew up as a child and looked in the window. Luna's mother was about to try and destroy the book and Bird Luna was about to see what had actually happened to her. Luna's mother pulled out a sword, dipped it into a secret pool of liquid that she kept in her pocket and stabbed it into the book. As soon as the sword penetrated (lol) the first page after the contents obviously, there was a great howling sound like the howling in the night that everyone was going on about previously, and Luna's mother, the sword, the liquid pool, and the book were all turned into one giant black rectangle, which then rose up, through the roof without tearing it, and into the sky. It was gone. Luna then woke up suddenly and was now both more aware of what was going on in her life and also more confused.


	10. Time Passes

**Chapter 9 - Time Passes**

It had been a few days since Luna had returned but nobody really saw her that much. She wasn't there with Rincewind for lunch which have meant he would have had to go hungry if it weren't for Neville's solid friendship. Classes continued, Rincewind got to know all of the people who are important to the story, like Captain Arr and Hermonie although he had already met them on blob day, and their other friends Ginny, Harry, Fred, George, Draco, Sirius, and Harged. Harry and Ginny were bf and gf and were pretty cool but not all that important. Ginny was Captain Arr's youngest sister and although she wasn't a pirate, she still had a love of pies and was really quite fat because of this. She was actually more fat than her brother now because he had been going to the gym and was starting to get shreeded for Hermione. Her bf was Harry who thought he was the coolest kid about just because he had saved everyone last year but everyone was secretly over all of that and just wanted him to shut up about it. He also had a scar like Rincewind but it was less cool, and he didn't really have a beard. Once he saw Rincewind for the first time he tried to grow it out but the bum fluff didn't even convince Filche's stupid cat who knew almost nothing on facial hair growth. Harry wasn't fat like Ginny because he grew up being abused at the dinner table and thusly didn't enjoy dinner, so he was really quite thin but not like African kids. Ginny got to eat his dinner which made her happy. Fred and Geroge were Captain Arr's brothers, they were cooler than there older brother Percy the class traitor. They would muck about with each other because they didn't really have any other friends and knew all sorts of secrets, but not about Dumbledoor being gay. Draco was a gothy wee prick who hung about with Crabbe in the bathrooms, he was always mean to people with freckles and everyone else in general. Just because his dad was some high up wizardician he thought he was better than everyone, but some bigger kids would flush his head in the toilet from time to time, so it was always wet and white from all of the bleach used to clean the toilets. Sirius and Hagrid were old basketball friends from back in the day, although they had both retired. Sirius was also no longer dead like a lot of people, and despite having little to no formal qualifications, he had graduated with honours in the school of life.

One day, Rincewind was talking to Neville whilst eating ice cream outside and the topic of Luna came up. "What do you suppose happened to her?" asked Neville like a worried friend. "I have no idea, but I really hope she will be okay soon" said a sad and floppy eared Rincewind. Hagrid was walking his dog passed them at this stage and was listening in. He walked over to them and started talking "Hullo there chaps! I heard you all talking about your friend Luna. Well I've heard from one of my magical animals that she is recovering from her incident and will be ready to be normal very soon. Actually she's meant to be talking about the howling tonight with Dumbledoor." "Wait a second, I thought all the teachers and adults said that the howling was nothing more than a big wolf in the woods that got a fright, if she's talking about it with them, then it might have something to do with her incident and it means that there is more to this howling in the night than meets the eye!" said Neville in a temporary moment of genius. "I should not have said that" said Hagrid who often said things that he should not have said. "We need to talk to her about this after her meeting with Dumbledoor" replied Rincewind, "people need to know the truth no matter how scary it is!". And so it was decided that they would talk to Luna about this, and they finished their ice creams and went to class.

Luna was getting ready for her meeting with Dumbledoor at this stage. She had not left her room in a few days and was recovering. Her hair was knotted, and her clothes were soiled. She went for a shower and put new clothes on and took a deep breath. New thoughts came into her head, she felt confident about herself again and knew she was going to be okay, and that her and her friends would work through it. So she opened the door and walked out into the common room with a swagger. People all gasped as they saw her walk, a few people came up to her to talk but she just walked forward as if she was blind but without falling over things and using a stick or dog. At the end of the corridor was Percy, blocking the exit. "Please move out of the way" she said to Percy "I have an important meeting with Dumbledoor". "Not a chance" said Percy back to her "I implore you to excrete this knowledge which you doth possess and are so willing to transfer to Dumbledoor through the medium of speech. I implore you immediately!" he said rudely. "No, it is not for your big posh ears" said Luna definately. "Then I will have to force it out of you" said Percy who then pushed Luna back and looked as though he was about to attack her. Just as he was launching himself at her in a jumping and diving motion he was tackled out of the air by a big ginger guy. Ron brought his old snobby brother to the ground with the greatest of easels and pinned him there with his strong arms and legs. "You can't just be tackling girls who don't do what you want them to do!" shouted Captain Arr like a big shouting bear, "Our parents didn't raise you to be such a cunt, why are you like this, what happened?!". Percy just started crying like a big snobby baby and ran off to his room after Ron let him go out of pity. On the floor was a little puddle from where he had wet himself from scaredness, also like a big snobby baby. Filch would have to mop this up later, so everyone laughed at this. "Go, talk to Dumbledoor, discus the important stuff" said Buff Ron to Luna, who did what Ron said and walked out of the painting and continued on her way.

Dumbledoor poored a glass of port and sat back in his big leather armchair and awaited Luna, but she never arrived. Once she was half an hour late, he got worried and asked some of the building security to look out for her, but nobody could find her. They searched all of the rooms, in every building and she wasn't there. They then asked all of the students and nobody had seen her after she left the common room. Nobody had seen her, apart from one unexpected person.


	11. The Littlest Suprise

**Chapter 10 - The Littlest Suprise**

"I saw who did it" said a little voice from the corner of one of the rooms that the wizard security people were checking. But nobody heard it, nobody listened much to anything down here. Down here most of the big people just used it for walking and spitting on. Down here was worthless, but down here was the person who saw Luna after she left the common room. The little person walked up into the middle of the room, stepping away from the walls that provided some protection from the big Wizard Marten boots that all the kids were wearing, and towards the big people. He then jumped with all of the little force that his tiny frail legs could muster and landed firmly on a student's sock. The smell of the sock was as fierce as a buff fellow at the watering hole, trying to act tough in front of a lion. He climbed up using his tiny arms and legs all the way up the student's trouser legs. The smell worsened. After making it round to the back of the leg, he looked up and saw an opening at the top of the trousers and made a break for it. Just as he managed to squeeze out through the gap, the student moved suddenly and the gap shrank, with half of his body still in the trousers. He was stuck. He tried and tried but he just wasn't getting out of the trousers until he felt an ominious rumbly sensation. It was like he was about to fart, but he wasn't, he could tell. The rumbly feeling continued even more and suddenly in a giant gust of flatulent tooting, he was flung upwards by the student's bottom hurricane and grasped onto the back of her shirt. Her loose flannel was far less of a secure doodah to hold onto and this meant that the little man found himself flung back and fourth as he clung on for dead life like cling film clings onto last night's ham. After a long two seconds on the flannel, the afterrumble of the aforementioned fart released one last gassy pocket of air which lifted him up onto her hair, from which he tumbled down like a tumble drier and didn't dry her hair as he wound up falling from the edge of her fringe and towards the abyss. Instead of landing in the nasty pits of Hell, he luckily landed on this student's book. The student noticed the landing sensation and looked down towards her book. "Oh my lawdy god!" cried Hernoomy, "Ron, something landed on my book of hard spells, it's...DOOBY".

"That's right" said Dooby, "the name is Dooby McGee, at your service", and then the little man did a funny dance that didn't work and fell over into the crease of Hermione's book. "What are you doing here little one?" asked Hermione? "I've been trying to let you all know, I saw Luna leave the common room, I know where she went!" cried Dooby in a moment of exultation. "An older boy with a beard intercepted her and told her that she had to see this amazing thing in the toilet, she was a bit grossed out but she was quirky and thus a bit poo curious so she left with him to go and see" Dooby explained to everyone who was now listening closely to the little man. "An older boy with a beard?" questioned Fred and George, "you don't think it could be Rincewind?!" they both said in disbeliveing. "Who is he?" asked Dooby. "He is he!" said Harry as he showed Dooby a picture of Roncewind in the Hogwarts Daily Mail. "Yes, that's the very man!" shouted Dooby, pointing his tiny little fingers which were proportionate to his small body, to the photo of Rincewind. Nobody had seen Rincewind during Luna's disappearance, and Rincewind was now suspect number one. Rincewind heard this all because he was part of the crowd around Dooby and although he denied it and tried to run away, nobody believed him because he was new and didn't know them that well, and Ron had him pinned to the ground with his bulging thigh muscles. "You'll pay for what you did to her!" Rom warned, and was just about to punch his lights off when Dumbledoor stumpled through the door and said "I don't think you want to do that now Weasley" which made Ron step back. "As for you Rincewind, you are coming to my personal dungeon to pay for your crimes, until we have a fair trial that is. Come along boy." And Rincewind coyishly got up, blew a raspberry to Ron (which he would later come to regret as he was allergic to all of the fruits of the forest) and mad his way out with Dumbledoor.

The lights were all dimly lit around Hogwarts, it was half past the eleven at night. The children were shocked at what had happened, but were also realy tired after all the recent shenanigans and went to bed without causing much more disruption. Luna's door remained closed, her bed remain unslept, and the new envelope that had landed through her window, was blown off by the circulation of Hermione's fart wind, and had landed under her bed, remained unread. "I didn't do it" pleaded Rincewind "I swear on me mum". "I know what I know" said a reluctant and bemused Dumbledoor "and I know that a Dooby tells no lies." He continued "but I know of dark magic and trickery that could convince a simple Dooby of things which are not the truth". Dumbledoor continued to talk about how doobies were simple creatures and not prone to lying, and started giving amusing anecdotes about times where various doobies had told the truth, Rincewind wasn't listening though, just going "uh-huh" as various times to make it seem as though he was. He was actually secretly texting Neville who was the only person he could trust at this horrible time. Neville was trustworthy as he was both a predictably reliable friend, and he was also with Rincewind at the point of Luna's disappearance when they were both sitting about eating ice cream. "Luna's disappeared and they think it was me. It wasn't. You were there, you know this. Convince some people that it wasn't me, use your friendship skills if you must, and find Luna and get me out of this horrific situation." texted Rincewind to Neville, who immediately got this message and got to work on saving his friend. "This will be your cell then" said Dumbelldoor to Rincewind, as he pointed towards a locked cage in the corner of Dumbledoor's bedroom. The room smelled musty, like it had been washed down with gallons of old man aftershave, and all of the furniture was leather, even the tables. Rincewind's new bed was leather, and he had been given a new set of leather pyjamas which were several sizes too small. Rincewind was terrified and just got into his new sticky black bed and tried to sleep. Out of the corner of his eye as it started to shut he saw Dumbledoor slip into something more comfortable.


	12. Disrobing The Frame pt 1

**Chapter 11 - Disrobing the Frame pt. 1**

Neville sprung out of his chair and went to find the other students to tell them the truth about Rincewind not being there to kidnap Luna but as he got up he realised that they were all gone. Where did they go? Had they all been kidnapped? Neville started to worry for all of the safeties of all of his friends, but then quickly remembered that it was very late indeed and that they had all gone to bed and started to worry less. So Neville crept around on his tippy toes, trying not to wake up anyone, showing his perplexing levels of human compassion, and walked over to the door of Harry and Ginster. As he gently rattled their door knockers he suddenly thought to himself that they might be already asleep, or worse, having warm sumptuous sexy moments with each other. The last thing he wanted to do was to cockblock his friends so he turned to leave. Just as he was in the middle of his turning motion the door swung open slowly but still dramatically. "Neville? What in god's name are you doing here?" asked Harry calmly. "I need to tall everyone the truth about Rincewind!" said Neville with an heir of determination. "What, that's he's some pedo rapist that preys on the Irish and quirky? Everyone already knows that." said Harry disrespectfully. "No" butted in Neville "that I was with him at the time of Luna's disappearance and that he was with me and could not have kidnapped Luna then, unless he did it in the ten second period before I finished my ice cream". "Why did he finish so quickly before you? Was it because he had something to do? Like kidnap Luna?" asked a suspicious Hairy. "No, it's because I get the most dreadful brainfreeze when eating something cold. He was actually eating very slowly to let me keep up, that's the sort of person Rincewind is. If he wanted to nip off and kidanp Luna while he went to the bin, he had plenty of chance when I was bent over holding my head and wishing for the warm release of death." replied Neville. "By jingo, you're right. We must find out what really happened, if not for Rincewind, and not for justice, then for our friend Luna." said Harry, now coming round to the idea that Rincewind wasn't a pervy weirdo. They all then went and had the same conversation with Captain Arr and Harmonie, who also took some convincing about the matter, but could not argue with Neville's cold brain story. What a friend! So it was settled that they would venture out, past the curfew, evading fuckwit percy, and investigate!

They initially packed some supplies as they did not know how long they would be away for, or where they would go. They packed warm clothes, and extra socks in case their own got wet. They packed some food for camping like crisps, s'mores and popcorn, Ginny didn't like salted popcorn but that's all they had so she would just have to deal with it. They also packed loads of juice as hyrdration is important and left the kitchen. Before completely leaving the dorm they also packed torches, sleeping bags and stuff like that as well. Once they had crept through the painting without making a singular sound they were out into the halls with the stairs. "Where should we go now? asked Neville" asked Neville. "Well, Hagried hasn't been spoken to about this yet, and if Luna was taken out into the woods then he would be the person to know about that." said Hermione who was both smart and smug whilst also being quite alternative. And it was settled that they would go and speak to the big hairy one. They crept down the stairs and into a long narrow passageway at the very bottom of the stairs. Nobody really came down here, unless they were doing drugs or bad stuff like that. So our friends were very cautious about the whole situation. They started to slowly wander down the dimply lit corridor and the stairs began to vanish behind them. "This isn't so scary after all" said Ron knively, and just as he said that the dim candles were blown out by an invisible gust of wind that wasn't too surprising as all wind is invisible unless it has been dyed or something. "Now I've put my foot in it" said Ron again, and it seemed as though his recent muscle gain had vanished and he was the same old pudgy scared child from earlier. "We will be okay" said Harry "there's nothing down here but the dark". So the group wandered further down, hoping for light that never came. What did come though was a wall in the dark. They had reached the end of the corridoor. They all felt around and were having no luck finding anything on the wall apart from bricks and that paste that holds bricks together, but the paste had long since dried and was useless for any potential paste-based plans that they might have had. "A-ha!" cried Neville "found something!". It was a small metal ladder attached to the wall in the corner of the corridor. Another temporary stroke of genius, he could get used to this! "Excellent" yelped Hermione with delight, "now, who wants to be the first to go up?". None of them wanted to climb this ladder first as nobody knew what was up the top and it was scary. They couldn't draw straws on it as it was too dark and glow in the dark straws were deemed against the rules of both man and god, and they also didn't have any straws anyway. After a few rounds of blind rock, paper, safety scissors, Ginny finally exclaimed "Look, y'alls being a bunch of pussy ass motherfuckers, I'll just do it and get it over and done with. You all are forgetting what's really important here!" and she started to climb up the ladder, closely followed by the scaredy cats.

Hagrid stept merrily in his bed, snoring away to himself without the worries that normally kept people awake. He was truly happy in his big bed. He stirred himself awake as he realised that he needed to pee. This was something that happened more and more to people as they got older, and although it did fill Hagrid's sole with some existential dread for a brief second, he got up, whistled a tune and went off to go and pee. After emptying the tank he turned to walk over again to his bed when he noticed a dim light in the distance. The light was getting bigger and bigger as it came closer to his hut. He got his gun and stepped outside the door and yelled into the light "who goes there? I'll blast ye away I will!". "Don't shoot, it's just us!" yelled the people behind the light. "Who exactly is us? I'll shoot ye!" warned Hagrid. "It's Harry and Ginny, Ron and Hermione, and Neville too" shouted the people back. "Ah alright then. You kids shouldn't be out this time of night, not with all that howling nonsense recently. Come on in, get out of the cold and let's get you a nice cuppa tea." and Hagrid welcomed them in like the jolly brown giant he was. Once inside they all had some nice tea that Hagrid brewed, he always knew how to make a brilliant cup of tea that suited any occasion or mood, it was his special power. "So, why in hell's blazes are you all out here? Have you all gone bloody mad?" asked Hagrid as he sipped from his large cup. "No, we all came out here to see if you knew anything about what had happened to Luna." explained Hermione, struggling to come to terms with the size of the mug that she had been handed. "Hmm...well I haven't heard anything about the girl directly. In fact pretty much everything has been pretty normal after my hut was blasted in the air and I got it repaired. The only slight thing that comes to mind is that I have found that my animals have been avoiding the area around where the sewage pipe comes out to recently. I mean, they avoided it before, but now they seemed quite scared by it. This has only been happening since earlier today though, about the same time that you said Luna went missing. Probably just a coincidence, probably just someone who had a tricky shit or something" explained Hagrid, racking his brian over everything that happened. "Of course!" shouted Harry, "the toilets! That was where Dooby said he heard Rincewind said he would take her. You don't suppose he's flushed her away or something?". "No chance" said Hagrid "My animals would have found her by now, and those new fangled low flow toilets wouldn't manage that. They can't even manage one of my collosal shits, and even my shits aren't as big as a human. Well apart from Dooby but he's small and frail". So it was decided that the team would go off into the bathrooms to investigate the situation further. Hagrid accompanied them all back to the main gate of Hogwarts and using his staff access card let them back into the building. Once in he had to say his fairwells as he was getting tired and needed some sleep, giants use more energy than non giants. They were back on their own again and were on the way to the bathroom to ask Moaning Michael if he had seen anything. But when they got their they found that Moaning Michael was gone, never to been seen or heard moaning again. Who knew that you could kill a ghost?


	13. Disrobing The Frame pt 2

**Chapter 12 - Disrobing the Frame pt. 2**

They searched in all of the toilets and urinals and sinks, but there was no sign of Moaning Michael or Luna. Everything seemed really normal and unusually uneventful. How could this possibly be? They were all so sure about this being the right path to take, how could they all have been so very wrong? They were on the verge of leaving, devastated and feeling stupid about the whole ordeal when Captain Arr pointed out something very important. "Everything is clean in here" he said with a slight tone of being perplexed, like when you go to eat what you think is a burger, but actually turns out to be a salad or something crazy like that. "So, what's your point?" asked Ginny who was clearly sick of her brother at this stage. "It normally stinks of piss and is covered in germs and shit." explained Ron, "now it's all far cleaner than I have ever seen it before". It was obvious that someone had come along and cleaned the place, maybe they had something to do with this grand puzzle. There was only one person who it could sensibly be. The one person who would have any time for cleaning a dirty male bathroom in the middle of the night, when other people are sleeping or doing cool things. There was one person without anything like a life, Mr. Filch. They could have waited for tomorrow to make their move on Filchy, but in doing so they would give the evil people with Luna even more time to make out with their dastardly plan, so the gang decided that they needed to pay the wicked janitor with bad hygiene a visit.

Filch lay in his bed that hadn't been changed in more years than had been years. The sheets were once white but now resembled a murky pond, but only with less wildlife. The mould on the walls kept an eye out for any intruders in the room while Filch slept. It was not beauty sleep, there was no beauty to be found in that man. Nobody knew how his stupid cat could stand him at all. "Miaow! Miaow!" he heard as he began to awake. Something was up with that stupid cat, he had better go and fix it, by hitting it or something like that. As he rolled over he was gagged in the mouth by a sheet and held down on the bed by Ron's muscles which were noticeable again as he was no longer a scaredy pussy in the tunnel. "You're coming with us" said Harry to Filch as Ron lifted him over his humongous shoulder and Hermione tied the gag around the back of his head. As they walked Filch through the corridors to the bathroom some of the paintings saw what was going on but they wouldn't tell anyone as they didn't like Filch. He never really cleaned them, and if they complained about this then he would threaten them with being cleaned with bleach.

They eventually made it to the public male bathroom and Ron let Filch go off his shoulder and he fell the distance to the floor and some of his body ooze squelched about as he landed. Hermiony undid the gag in his mouth and he took a breath. "What do you little shits want with me?" he pleaded in between breaths. "We want to know what was in this bathroom before you cleaned it." said Ron forcefully, waving his fists in the air in a threatening motion, but Ron wasn't used to looking tough and didn't really know how to do it, so Filch was a bit confused as to why Ron was dancing as he said this. "Well there was just regular old rubbish, piss, shit, germs, and all that" said Filch "in fact there were a lot of rubbish tonight, big fuckin heavy bag one of them". "Where did you take that?" asked Neville, and Filch then explained that the rubbish goes out to the back of the main cleaning supply building. So the gang knocked Filch out and put him back in bed now that they had everything they needed out of him. Once they had dropped Filches' unconscionable body back in his festering bed like thing they were off to check through the rubbish. But once they got outside they saw something which they dreaded even more than Filch, his stupid cat, and Percivald combined. It was...the sunrise. "Oh shit" said Hrarry "the binmen come for the rubbish about now". "Oh shit, you are right, we had better get a move on" said Ginny as they all started to run. Because Ginny had filled up on the biscuits at Hagrid's new and improved hut she was a bit slow to move but Ron hoisted her up and carried her on their way. Once they turned the corner they realised that it was indeed too late, and the bloody binmen had already arrived and were at that very moment lifting rubbish bags and putting them into the back of the van. "Bloody fucking hell" one of them said with a beard "It's almost like it's got a body or something in it hahahaha" and all of the binmen laughed at this because it would clearly not be a body in a bin bag. "Stop right there with that bag!" Hermione screamed out like a wild woman "I need that bag, I left my…" and the binmen looked at her suspiciously "lady things in there" and the binmen just gave her the bag as they didn't want to think of lady things even though they knew what puppetry was as it had been covered in school even for stupid people like binmen. Once they got the binbag free from the clutches of councilmen they took it around in a hidden part of the grounds and opened it. Inside they found a terrible surprise.

As they looked into the bag they saw the mangled mushy corpse of the ghost of Moaning Michael. Whoever was in the bathroom must have taken a strong dislike to him being there, maybe he saw something that he wasn't meant to see. These were amongst the thoughts going through the minds of the gang. "Look there hanging from his pocket" said Neville and Harry reached disgustedly into the goopy mess and pulled out Moaning Michael's phone. Once they had it opened they briefly looked through his recent phone history and found a video, taken about the same time that Luna went missing. The video clearly showed Rincewind taking Luna into a bathroom stall and then after a very brief scream Rincewind left the stall alone, walked over to Moaning Michael and the video went blank. "This cannot be" said Neville "I was there with him at that time, how could this possibly have happened?" as Neville began to cry. "Could it be that it was some sort of imposter" inquired Ginny, and they began to discuss the physical characteristics of Rincewind together. They all agreed that he was a bit short but not like Dooby, that he had red hair and tended to wear a lot of long robes, he had a bushy red beard and blue eyes and had a crook in the middle of his nose where a sparrow or other appropriately small bird could sit and read the paper. Then they remembered the single most identifiable feature of Rincewind, his scar in the shape on an X. They opened the video again and went through fram by fram as Rincewind walked over to Moaning Michael to kill him and found one frame where his fringy hairlocks had blown up revealing...a distinc lack of scar. "We need to get this phone to Dumbledoor right now" said Neville and they gang all ran to the teacher's lounge at a moderate pace as it was quite a distance away. Once they eventually got there they were faced with the magical seal (which was called Alfred) that guarded the lounge. "There is no entry to the teacher's lounge for non-teachers" arffed the seal. "But we simply must talk to Dumbledoor immediately!" excalimed Harry. "Well I guess you'll have to wait for him to come out then" said the seal, refusing to budge. "Ah crumbs" said Ron defeated, "that could take hours", but just as he said that the door opened, it was Dumbledoor. "We need to talk to you about Rincewind right now" they all shouted, "not now" replied Dumbeldoor "I need to pee". It made sense that Dumbledoor needed to pee so much as he was indeed very old, much older than Hagrid, or even Dadgrid, and they needed to pee a lot. Once he got back from his pee he said to them in the corridor "right, so what is it you need to talk to me about?". "It's Rincewind, we've got evidence that it wasn't him that stole Luna" said Hermione as she reached for the phone. "No, we cannot discuss this here" replied Dumbledoor "we must talk in private" and he threw some powder to the ground, grunted a bit and they were all magically transported to his private office, even Neville too! "Let's talk then" said Dumbledoor as he sat down and picked up his pipe.


	14. Luna Lovegood, The Hogwarts Redemption

**Chapter 13 - Luna Lovegood and the Hogwarts Redemption**

After hearing the evidence and watching over the shoddily recorded phone footage, Dumbledoor was convinced that it could not have been Rincewind who perpetrated this hanus act. "So, you'll free Rincewind then?" asked Neville, keeping his friend's needs first as always. "Not quite yet" replied Dumbledor, stroking his beard which helped him think apparently. A few people wondered if his brain was actually in his beard because his brain was clearly huge and his beard was too. These people were clearly stupid though as bears can theoretically be shaved whereas brains cannot. "Whyever not?" asked Harry, perplexed by the situation. "Because if we let everyone know that it was not Rincewind then they will want to know who it really was. If we cannot give an answer for this then they will all go fucking apeshit. Nobody wants that, trust me." Dumbledoor said sadly. "So...we need to find the actual culprit before we can release Rincewind who we know to be innocent?" asked Hermione, suspiciously. "Yep, that's about right" said Rumbledoor, who had just said everything that he needed to say. "Sounds like bullshit to me" said Ginny who was finishing the last biscuit that she stole from Hagrid's hut. That was how it was though, it wasn't part of the wizarding legal system but they all agreed to adhere to this ruling so as to keep the school under control. "So, if it's not Rincewind then who could have done this?" asked Hermione "nobody else looks like him, nobody else even has a beard". Dumbledoor then explained about the potions that could be made to turn you into any other person for a limited amount of time, providing you had some of their DNA sampled to work with. And as Rincewind's beard was growing more and more, he was dropping hairs all over the place that other people could be using against him like this. It was actually one of the things that were covered in the health and safety class in Snap's class earlier but nobody really paid attention because larning about health and safety was really boring, even Dumbledoor agreed on that point. "Who could it have been then?" asked Neville. "Well, it would have to have been someone who was in touch with some of Rincewind's hair at some stage, but it would have been hard to tell what hair was his if it was in public anywhere, as quite a few students, including our resident pirate Captian Arr, have red hair." said Hermione. "So it would have to have been someone who could have had access to somewhere that Rincewind had been in private." she continued. The five of them were the only people other than Luna that had been in his room, this was because he had smuggled some booze in because he looked older than 18 because he was, and they would all be naughty and drink in his room.

They all went back to the Gryfindoor common room and got ready for the next day of classes. Everything went normally, apart from that two of the students were missing and might have been dead, the school had recently been largely destroyed and rebuilt due to a box with legs, and there was a great howling sound. As they were in Snape's class they were looking around for any possible hints as to this mystery, this was much more fun and interesting than learning like a pussy. Everyone seemed like their normal boring selves. Snape didn't really appear to be bothered by any of the really dramatic shit I just mentioned but he's a bit cuntish most of the time so this was okay. One thing that was a bit odd was that Crabbe didn't really seem to care that Luna was gone at all. You would think that he would be gutted that she was gone but he was laughing and chortling with Draco and the other goth pricks about loads of things like they normally just do in the bathroom. While Neville looked over at them in disgust he noticed that Draco was wearing a hoody, despite the unseasonably sunny weather and fully functional heating system in the building. After class Neville walked over to Draco on the way to the cafeteria. "So, goth boy, why the hoody? It ain't even cold" said Neville. "Oh, it's because I'm so tough and such a fuckin hood y'all know. I'm the wrong nigga to fuck wit boiii" said Draco trying to sound tough and like a black gangster but he was actually really white and a bit nervous. He then turned to walk or run or generally move away in the opposite direction from Neville as to get away from him and his prying mind.

Ron had overheard all of this due to his extremely strong ear muscles and ran over to Draco and pulled down his slithering hood. Underneath this hood revealed Draco's secret that he was trying to hide by wearing a hood int he first place. The secret was that his hair was red. In fact it was the same shade of red that Rimcewind's hair was. "What happened to your hair then faggot?" asked Ron as everyone had seen Draco's hair. "I-I-I-I…" Draco tried to reply but he really didn't have anything to say, but he then decided that it was pointless trying to talk his way out the situation, so he turned around and tried to run away around a corner that was convieniently placed for him to run away. But as he ran around the corner he ran straight into Snap. "Sooo...what do we have here then Mr. Red?" said Snape, intrigued by the whole situation. And then Snape made a gesture for the nearby secutiry guards to lift Draco away and they lifted him away, put him in their temporary prison backpack and took him to the courtroom to be questioned by the teachers.

Once everything had been setup for the initial questioning the initial questioning began with Draco on trial for his acts. "Now Draco" began Dumbledoor "we have used some DNA analysis on a sample of your red hair and have found that it is a perfect half match for the hair sample taken from Rincewind. How do you explain this?". "Could there be any way that this could be explained without showing that I'm guilty?", asked Draco. "Nope" said McGonnigle. "Well then I will make no further comment on this" said a defiant Draco, "I call upon my father as council for me!" he demanded. "Very well" said Dumbledoor, who then called for Draco's dad Luscious Malfoy forward to come into the trial. Luscious once had a head filled with lucius hair, but they had too been dyed white from being flushed in the toilets that were cleaned with excessive amount of bleach. Nobody qould realise for many years just how much money Filch was taking from the school to be used entirely on bleach. "So, what is to be done with my dear precious boy then?" asked Luscious, like a big pompous idiot. "He is soon to be found guilty of murdering a ghost, and framing another student for the kidnapping of a student, and also the kidnapping and potential murder of another student." explaned Dumbledoor. "So, what would be the punishment for this? A few hundred lines of a punishment exercise? A couple of weeks of detention?", asked Luscious, clearly not taking the sitatuion as importantly as it actually was. "No" said Dummbeldoor, "he will be exspelled from the school and left to basically be a muggle with white hair that nobody likes, because fuck muggles". Luscious was taken by surprise by all of this. "That's so fucking unfair! Is there any way he can get this reduced to some detention?" asked Luscious, trying to get anything he can. "Well I guess if he would reveal what had happened, and possibly show someone else to be guilty we could reduce something." Dumbledoor said to the surprise of absolutely most people in the room. It turned out that Dumbledoor's plans to exspell Draco from Hogwarts were legally based on nothing, and if Luscious really wanted to, he could appeal to a higher court that he has a lot of influence over because he's a big corrupt faggot and the ruling would be reversed anyway, Dumbledoor was just trying to get any justice that he could. Luscious then spoke to Draco in private and suggested to him that he explains the truth to the court so that he just gets detentions and lines for his murder. After he returned to his proper place in court Draco began to confess. "Okay, it was me that did it, but it was not my idea at all from the start. I was doing it for my friend Crabbe because he wanted to dump his gf Luna to be with Pansy Parkinsons who was some girl that he knew and liked from slithering. He preferred her because she wasn't quirky and irish and had a bit of an evil streak that Luna never had. I also wanted to get rid of Luna so I could play about with Crabbe in Snape's class from now on. He decided that Rincewind would be the easiest person to frame for everything as he was really close to Luna, had a pedo-ish beard, and was new and people didn't really know him all that well". "But how did you get his DNA sample for this?" asked a perplexed Snape. "It was easy for Crabbe, he was in Luna's room spending time with her and he found some red hairs on her bed. When he asked her about this she said it was from when Rincewind had been on her bed a few days ago, when he got his socks off and was giving her advice with something personal. He stole the hairs then and made off like a big fat bandit". "Okay then, this all makes sense, and with that I punish you Draco Malfoy to 2 weeks detention, and I punish Crabbe Crabster to exspellation from Hogwarts. And at that moment a security guard put Crabbe in a prison backpack and took him out of the building and dumped him in Hull. (fuck you crabbe). "Rincewind, you are free again as a student. I will be expecting the pyjamas I loaned you back. You need not wash them" Dumbledoor said, which confused most people there as Rincewind was not here, but they all shrugged it off as one of those things. "Anyway, I need to pee" said Dumbledoor and he and McGonnigle went to pee, but not in the same bathroom. Rincewind was to be freed from Dumbledoor's kinky prison, but when Dumbledoor returned to his room he found that Rincewind had vanished, and upon inspection, he discovered a hole had been burrowed through the wall. Rincewind had escaped through the wall and was missing.

Rincewind was currently halfway across Hogwarts, in the wall, covered in dust and soot, worried that he would be trapped here forever. He poked at a wall that he had judged should be into his room and it seemed thin. This was his chance to get back into his room, and with a mighty kick from all of his hairy legs he burst through the wall and into the room. Once in the room he noticed that something wasn't as expected. He was under a bed, but this wasn't his room. The room did look familiar from under here though and upon inspection he realised that this was Luna's room. After taking a second to understand that he had misjudged the distance he heard a faint sound from his right, also from under the bed.


	15. The Letter Comes True

**Chapter 14 - The Letter Comes True**

Rincewind froze. The room was very cold. As he turned his head right around to his right he saw a blanket covering something. What it was, he had dismissed as some old clothes, books, or an old giraffe costume, but then the pile moved again. Whatever was under here was very alive. So Rincewind moved over and pulled back the blanket and revealed Luna, bound and with her mouth taped, under the bed. Upon seeing Rincewind, she started reeling back in horror, trying to escape but she obviously couldn't because she was tied up, and it was thus quite silly to try and escape, but she tried anyway. Rincewind was very confused by this, as he hadn't actually kidnapped her, but then remembered that she probably thought that he did and took off the tape covering her mouth. "Help help, I'm being repressed!" shouted Luna in desparation, but nobody could hear because they were all away at classes or watching TV really loudly in the common area, or doing anything else which prevented them from hearing Luna. "No, listen, I can explain everything", said Rincewind trying to explain everything, as he undid her boundaries and let her free. "No, you're a big rapey monster and you kidnapped me, chucked me down a cludge and gave me up to a man in a mask who put me here. This was all your devilish plan, this was all your-" Luna shouted with a hint of distemper before being interrupted by the quick creak of her dramatically opening door. "No Luna!" shreked Dumbledoor "it was not Rincewind who did this, he was framed! Can't you understand!". Luna stopped in her tracks. She was about to attack Rincewind but now that Dumbly was here that would have been a terrible idea. "But how did this happen?" she asked, confused and bewildered like a bewilderbeast in the jungle, who thought that he was being hunted by a lion, only to turn around and see a fierce buff fellow instead. "It was Crabbe that set this all up" explained Dumbledoor "he was trying to get with Pansy Parkinsons and wanted you out of the way, so he got Draco to pretend to be Rincewind and get rid of you". "Who was the masked man in the room after the toilet then?" asked Luna. "We don't know yet, we didn't even know there was someone like that until just there when you mentioned them" replied Dumbledoor. "Also, it was all Crabbe?" said Luna, beginning to tear up "Oh my god, this is all too much. I can't believe he would betray me like that. What a prick". As she started to cry on her bed people started to leave, feeling a bit awkward. "Do you want me to leave as well?" asked Rincewind. "Yes, but I'll be in touch soon with you" said Luna. "You and Neville are the best friends I have left" she continued, and Rincewind left the room.

After a few minutes of sobbing and generally feeling shit, Luna got up and went to her desk to write in her diary about the whole ordeal. She scored out her name on the front which she had changed to Luna Crabster in hope that she would one day marry Crabbe. Whilst looking for a new permanent marker to write Lovegood back in on the front she noticed that one of her earrings was missing, and luckily she quickly noticed it under the bed. It must have come off during all of the prior kerfuffle, so she went back under her bed and picked it up. Before she got back up, she noticed something else under the bed. It was the letter that had been blown there by Hermione's fart wind, which by now had dissipated into the atmosphere and was now slowly spreading and diluting in the air across the world. Somewhere in Egypt a man on a camel got a strong whiff and thought it was his friend on another camel and decided that he would hold a grudge to death over it. As she returned to her desk she broke the seal on her letter and began to read it.

"LUNA, I HOPE THAT YOU GET THIS IN TIME. YOU WILL THINK THAT RINCEWIND WAS THE PERSON WHO WOULD BETRAY YOU BUT IT'S NOT HIM. HE IS ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE THAT YOU CAN TRUST. I CAN SEE NOW THAT YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND IS UP TO NO GOOD AND YOU SHOULD DUMP HIM WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE. YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER!

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS GOING TO BE BUMPED OFF BTW, SORRY ABOUT THAT"

And again, after reading it, the letters vanished. Luckily, like last time, Luna had taken a mental note of the letter and had replicated it word for word on another bit of paper. If she hadn't have done that then she wouldn't be able to show it to Rincewind.

Luna wondered which one would be the one to die, but she was very tired from her ordeal and went to bed. Elsewhere Rincewind was also in bed, restless and alone. He had been through a hard time as well and was now having to shake his rapey reputation that he didn't deserve. He sat at his window and watched the hogwarts hills in the moonlight. He could see the subtle lights of a city, polluting the night's sky in the far far distance. He had heard tales of this city, tales of a city so corrupt and evil that people would be born into abject poverty, living in tiny rooms with rivers of shit flowing past their front doors as it made it's way down into the gutters, where more people lived. Rincewind was glad that he lived further away, somewhere without copious amounts of shit at his door. He looked west and saw a dimly lit path up a nearby hill. He hadn't been for an explore in his new surroundings yet so he decided that this would be his chance. So he quickly put together some sort of rope ladder thing using old robes that he had lying about and climbed out of his window and out of the building. He was breaking the curfew and having to be very careful to not be caught so he kept very quiet as he walked over to the western gate. Once there he managed to squeeze in between the railing and started walking up the path. He heard the sounds of frogs, and squirrels and all of the other animals of Hogwarts hills during the night. This world was free of the politics of society, and the exams and regulations of school. The owl who hooted had no mortgage, the badger had never failed an exam, and the field mouse had no grasp of the envy that Rincewind had for him at that moment in time. Rincewind continued up the path, lost in the serenity of this moment until he reached the top of the hill. From here he could see further to the east than he had ever seen before. He could see over a faraway land, miles away and far downhill from where he stood. He could see rivers and lakes, and cities, and towns. Some areas were bathed in the warm glow of lantern light, and some areas were drowning in the oppressive darkness. Rincewind had never known of a place like this, he had never actually looked at a map before and had no context for where Hogwarts lay on a map. He only knew that it was north of where he spent the rest of his life.

As Rincewind turned to return back to his room and try and catch some sleep he heard a faraway howling. He would have shat himself then if he had any more shit in him, as he thought that it would have been coming from the hills, where it was supposedly from last time. Except, this time, he was in the woods, and the sound was coming from far away, coming from Hogwarts in fact. This was far different than the reports of the last time. And in a blind panic, Rincewind ran back to the gate, squeezed through the gap, and climbed back into his room and locked his window and lay in bed with his covers pulled right back to his head. The howling then came once more, and the lights turned out.


	16. Fear Of The Dark

**Chapter 15 - Fear of the Dark**

The sudden loss of light was not localised to Rincewind's room. All across Hogwarts there was not a light to be seen. The massive building was completely black, but not racially. Outside the main building Hagrid's winged animals were roaring in discontent at something unseen, because it was dark. Seamus the other Irish student was heard running through the corridoors screaming in terror. He seemed to be running to his bedroom. It was obvious that he was caught mid shit and had to quickly supress his turd if he were to make it out alive. Luna lay unaware that this was all happening. In her dream she was flying over a grand and wild forest that spewed out beneath her. She was flying behind another bird, a crow that always seemed just slightly out of reach. As she tried to keep up with it, it stayed the exact same distance in front of her. She didn't realise that this bird was actually leading her, but as she flew she noticed that the air began to get smokier and smokier. She flew deeper and deeper in the smoke but then she lost track of the crow and found herself instead curious about the fire causing all of this smoke. She flew straight up into the air above the air she was in before and looked for the source of the flame, which appeared to be just ahead of her. She swooped down and towards the source which appeared to be a giant pile of sticks, also known as a faggot, that people were gathered around. People were watching this flame and seemed to be entranced by it's power. Just as she was hovering over it, she felt her wings give way and she realised that she had returned to her human form, and at the most inopportune moment. So she tumbled down through the smoke and towards the flame as the chanting voices grew louder and louder, climaxing in a mighty howling sound as she just about reached the fire. She felt warmth, great warmth, and her surroundings turned to the silent darkness. Then she woke up.

The lights turned back on. Rincewind stopped being a little pussy and came out from under his covers again and saw that nothing was amiss in his room. Seamus made a walk of shame back to the bathroom to finish wiping his arse. He would need a change of bedclothes immediately. This took some of the strain off of Captain Arr and Hermione as they were no longer the main people that people would be laughing at during class. Everything seemed unusually normal given what had just happened. The students began to rumour and panic about again. Now further convinced that something really ominous was lurking. Snape and Dumbledoor argued again over the course of action taht the school should take. Dumbdoor again wanted to let all of the students know the truth, but Snape just threatened to leak the pictures of him in his closet, which was full of sparkly bras and underwear which made it clear that Dumbledoor was a gay. Fearful for his reputation and for the future of the school if it was to become public knowledge, Dumbledoor again gave in. An emergency assembly was held that morning.

All of the children, and Rincewind who was a grown man with a beard, lined up and entered the big hall again, which was bigger than Rincewind's room, and anyone else's room, apart from maybe the queen or someone really fat who needed all of the space. Rincewind sat between Luna and Neville again, and opposite them was Harry and Ginny, who was tucking into second breakfast already. Hermione sat next to Harry, whilst Ron sat at next to them but at the end of the table, where he needed to sit now to allow for the bulk of his impressive gains to spill out. He was having difficulty keeping these gains up though, as he kept accidentaly breaking the knives that he was using to cut up all of the proteins that he was having. And he kept outshaking the shakes and getting Dieorrhea from it. It was stanky, but Hermiono thought he looked bitchin so she said nothing and just kept throwing shade at Lavender Brown, who was a preppy bitch, and lead of the cheerleading team. She thought she was really cool because she had big boobs and could twirl things but really anyone with big boobs could twirl things if they learned, and she wasn't as special as Hermione who would let Ron fart without getting all mad at him for his very natural bodily function.

"I have some very important news to deliver" said Dumbledoor into the mic at the top of the hall, and everyone braced their listening ears to hear what he had to say. "It is regarding...The Howling In The Night" said Dumbledoor dramatically as the organ playing ghost played a spooky thing. Everyone was braced for the worst. Dumbledoor looked to Snap who just shook his greasy face back at him in a weird sort of way, and Dumbledoor sadly turned back to the audience defeated. "The howling was caused by one of Hagrid's flying beasts that we have been using for experimentation that got distressed, made a howling sound, then turned off the lights to calm itself down. Once we made sure it was calm, we turned the lights back on." explained a lying Dumbledoor, whose long nose now gained added meaning. The students made sounds that indicated that they were having a hard time believing this, but that they had nothing that they could do. Even during all of the previous events, Dumbledoor had remained true about Voldemort, and exams. There were a few other routine things read out at the assembly, such as the weeks birthdays which included Cedric Diggety who was turning 17, and Filet Flitwick who was turning 56 that week. Well done them.

On the way to the first class of the day, Snape's class, Rincewind struck up a conversation with Luna and Neville. "This doesn't seem right" said Rincewind, "I don't believe this one bit!". "I agree" said Neville, "when I was talking to Hagrid recently, he seemed as lost as we all are about the howling in the night. You would think that if it was one of his animals that was making it, he would know. Plus, in the second clause of the Protection of Magical Animals Act. 1877, it clearly states that no live magical animal experimentation was allowed". Luna and Rincewind were amazed by the complex thoughts coming out of Neville's head. "We should talk to Hagrid about this during lunch" said Luna as they all went to class. Once they got to class they realised that they had to now sit the spot test that Snape had warned them all about ages before, but they had all forgotten about because more important things had been happening. As Rincewind sat down he suddenly remembered about his plan to fake Luna's test results so that she would answer shitly and sit next to him. This was all now too late as they were all being sat down at their desks. Rincewind opened his exam book and started reading the questions. He could barely understand words in general, never mind questions. These questions were all onthe things covered in the class, as exams tend to be. Rincewind answered as best as he could which was not that well. He had an idea at a few things based on his experience, but was too busy being sad to be busy remembering more things as he kept thinking that Luna's seat was always going to be out of reach for him, and that whoever else gets the now empty seat will be her next in line bf now that Crabbe is in Hull. Rincewind sighed and finished his exam paper. There wasn't any more time to be sad about shitty exams now though, as they were off to ask Hagrid questions, but not like an exam.


	17. Sherlock Longbottom And Friends

**Chapter 16 - Sherlock Longbottom and Friends**

After grabbing a couple of wizardinis and sandwitches, and crisps made from magical potatoes, the three of them went to talk to Hagrid in his new and improved hut. They were walking over to it when they heard the sound of arguing from round the back of his hut. They kept their faces down low and hid in a bush nearby and crept around to see what was going on. Luscious Malfoy and Snap were standing over one of Hagrid's winged beasts and saying something. Hagrid then shouted back "No, ye can't just kill an innocent animal for some bullshit story yer running. I'll call fooking Greenpeace!". Hagrid knew that Greenpeace had no power in Hogwarts and only really cared about whales and oil, like Norway. "Take him away boys" said Luscious, like Chief Wiggum, and a mob of small wizard security guards came across and took away Hagrid's winged beast as Hagrid tried to fight out of the curse of bondage that they had placed on him to keep him from moving. "I'll see you around big boy" said Snape as they started to walk away from him, "oh, and if word of this gets out to anyone then we'll have to find another large hairy animal to blame for the howling. And kill them too!". Poof! And Snape had vanished. Luscious just walked like a fool.

Hagrid slumped over like a big defeated Hagrid and began to cry. His tears were giant, like his heart, and also the rest of him. Once they were convinced that nobody else was around, Luna, Rincewind, and Neville walked over to Hagrid and caught his attention. "Heyo kids *sniff*" said Hagrid as he tried to hide the pain he had inside "What's 'appenin with you three then? You better not be skiving or I'll have to get someone to come and beat you for it!" he said with a chortle as the two kids and man with a beard also awkwardly chortled back at him. After a brief chortle was over they looked more serious at each other. "We saw what happened earlier with Snape and Luscious" said Luna, trying to place her hand on his shoulder to comfort him, but she couldn't reach so she awkwardly touched his hip with her hand. Hagrid flinched at the firmness of her tough tips, even though he was a giant with very thick skin. "ERR...no you didn't see nothin" said Hagrid, failing to convince them that they had all gone made and tripped out together in the bushes. "No, we definately did see it" said Rincewind, "don't worry though, we won't tell anyone about this to protect you. But we want to know what's really going on. Did one of your winged beasts really make all that sound? Was it being used for illegal experimentation?". "We should talk inside" said Hagrid, who knew about all of the little birds in the forest that all had ears this time of year. Hagrid opened his front door and welcomed the three in for a very serious cup of confidential tea and biscuits.

As they all sat down at Hargid's large wooden table and slowly sipped from their huge cups of tea, it all started to come out. Hagrid was being blackmailed into lying to the world by the high-ups at the school. He was to say that it was one of his winged beasts that was causing the howling and to confirm this ludicrous rouse about magical animal testing. "Why are you susceptable to such blackmail?" asked Luna, as she sipped from her mug. The mug was far too large for her to hold in one hand, but she used the firm tips of her second hand to secure it, even though this would have been unbearable to mere mortals such as you or I. "Well...it's because me dad, Dadgrid, is currently living in a cabin way up north from here, the school is currently paying for him to stay there ye see. But they were supposed to stop paying for his home five years ago. He used to be a me at the school but retired 20 years ago, and they said they'd pay for his housing for 15 years. They've turned a blind eye to it, like mad eye, because he's pretty sound" EXPLAINED HAGRID "but, they are using it against me now and it's boiling me blood it is!" he said with disgust for the system. "So what have they done with Jimmy the winged deer?" asked Rincewind. "They've taken him away to be killed to show the students that they've handled the beast" said Hagrid, as he started to cry. "That's horrible" commented Neville, in between sips, "we must do something about this at once" as he put down his tea, got up, put on his robe, picked up his bag, stretched a bit because that's healthy to do, and commandingly went towards the door. "We must fight this evil together!".

As they left Hagrid's hut, and the tea half drank on his table, leaving rings on the wood that Hagrid would have to fix later, they went out on the hunt for Snap and Luscious. Once they started on their way they realised to their dismay that they did not know the way to go and save the day from the evil and possible gay professor Snap. "He just vanished from the air" said Luna, throwing back her hair, "how could he possibly dare?". Everyone was clearly fed up with this and on the verge of giving up when they heard a mighty roar, like a winged deer being killed, from down by the river. They all ran as quick as their little feet could carry them, down to the water and saw Jimmy lying lifeless with a few drops of blood dripping from his droopy mouth. "Jimmy!" cried Hagried "what have they done wit' ye!", as he wept for his winged beast. As Hagrid pulled it in closer Luna spotted something on the back of the neck of the now dead Jimmy. It was a splinter of wood that had a faintly magical glow to it. "Do you see this?" she said picking it up. "Yeah, it's a bit of wood" said Rincewind and Neville at the same time like they were Fred and George. "Yeah, but do you see it glow?" she asked, pointed her finger at the wood. "Nope" they said. "Well I see it glow, a faint cyan as if the wood itself is trying to speak to me. This wood...was part of someone. Someone now dead. I recognise this shade of cyan. This wood is from someone's wand." said Luna as she started to put together the pieces of this puzzle. She then turned the splinter over and saw an ornamentally drawn "E" glyph that she recognised. "Oh my god!" she said, "This is from Esk's wand. She is dead!".

Outside Esk's bedroom an owl landed on a branch. The owl hopped over to her windowledge and peered in through the window to see her body frozen in a death state on the bed, blood drops next to her mouth. The owl immediately flew upwards and the consciousness that possessed it was returned to it's owner. Dumbledoor gasped his first deep breath in several hours spent warging into the owl. He had to stop this chaos but there was so much at stake for him. He had been silent about everything up until now but it had gone too far. Students were dying and Snap and Luscious were killing innocent Jimmies like they were not magical animals and protected by law. Dumbledoor needed to step up his game.

Rincewind, Luna, and Neville all ran over to Esk's floor and tried to get in to her room but it was in Hooflepoof and they couldn't get passed. So instead they went to the building security and told them that Esk had been murdered or was lying dying so the security team escorted them past the painting and into the common room for Hooflepoof. Once inside they tried knocking on her knocker. No answer. Luna had texted her as well but to no avail. So they decided that they would have to barge the door down to find out what had happened. After several barges, which drew the attention of all of the other Hooflepoof students, who were all a bit dim, they got through the door. But Esk wasn't to be found anywhere, all that was there was a room full of the stuff that would be in a student's room, like a few drops of blood on the pillow. "No, this can't be!" said Luna "I was sure that she was killed.". But before they could investigate further, a loud voice came over the loudspeaker. "All students are to report to the assembly hall at once" said McGonnigle, "Our headteacher, Professor Dumbledoor has been found murdered in his room."


	18. The One After Dumbledoor

**Chapter 17 - The One After Dumbledoor Died**

As the stress of the age and the seasons took it's toll on the first leaf that had grown on the tree, it began to lose its colour. This had been happening for a couple of weeks now, and the leaf's younger siblings had joined it and had started to turn from a brilliant green into a somber auburn. There was still a lot of green to be found in the tree, but this leaf was not to last to see the rest of the tree change shade. As the growing winds grew in intensity, the leaf felt its fickle grip on the branch begin to give, and then in one final grasp to the tree that gave it life, it was blown off and into the air. It began to fly, caught in an updraft. The leaf was higher than it had ever been on the tree, in a way liberated from its connection with the ground which was now almost a hundred feet below it. As it flew, it could see further than it had ever known existed. Beyond the end of the previously perceptible universe was a great castle that had previously been hidden behind more trees that kept the home tree in relative shade. There was a blinding amount of light, and a vast expanse of world that had never existed before this moment, and the leaf was travelling out of control, and towards the castle. As the leaf flew further into the grounds outside the castle, it could see many other trees that were turning brown, and the land which was turning brown also. It saw people for only the second time in its existence and was amazed by the sheer amount of them. The leaf had been as unaware of the people as the people had been of it, or at least that's what could be presumed. Down on the ground, which was nearing, an odd looking man with long red hair and a bushy beard, looked up, distracted for a second, and saw the leaf. Everything else in the man's world disappeared for a brief moment as he watched the leaf float slowly away in the wind. This was the first leaf of autumn that he had seen fall from a tree. A cold winter was approaching soon, colder than the man had ever experienced before. The leaf then was caught in a small gust and was carried away from the man and behind one of the walls of the castle. As the leaf was floating along outside the wall of the castle it saw more people inside the building, they were all standing still, mouths agape. Some seemed to be staring up towards the ceiling, others at each other. The leaf could have no idea as to why these people would be behaving like this, nor did it appreciate that this was unusual in any sense. The leaf continued its descent and flew towards a window on the far side of the wall. As it turned out, this window had been left open, and the leaf was blown inside for the first time in its existence. The room was covered in red leather and would have seemed intimidating to the leaf if it could grasp that concept. There were bookcases covering most of the walls, a strong smell of tobacco and incense, and the many candles provided warmth as well as light. The leaf was nearing the end of its descent, and in turn the end of its effective life. It slowly floated towards a giant bed at the back of the room. It was a huge four poster bed with red velvet curtains that drooped down, it seemed to be made for a king. The leaf had no idea how lucky it was to be ending its life in such regal surroundings. There was one thing that was amiss though, there was a person on the bed. Surely they would not want this leaf landing on it from outside, but the person did not react at all as the leaf fluttered down towards it. Nor did the person react when the leaf landed on the chest of the man, which was covered entirely in a giant white beard that came down from his chin and reached his waist. The man didn't react at all, and the leaf would lay unmoved.

The students all piled into the great hall, a shocked sadness had eliminated all sound, apart from the sounds of them moving about and sitting down and all other sounds other than their talking. "Hellow Students" said McGhonnigle, choking back the tears "I have some incredibly sad news to tell you all today. I have already briefly mentioned it over the loudspeaker in the previous chapter. Dumbledoor is dead". McGonnigle was having a hard time saying what had to be said, and not because the words were too long or had been written down messily. "We suspect that he has been murdered, although he was also old and it could have just been oldness that brought him down, but we don't think so." said McGonnigle, "mostly because of this" as she pointed towards a giant white screen behind her and waved her wand which made a picture come up on the screen for all of the students to see. It was a picture of Dumbledoor's dead body, in particular his face. Luna had seen many dead bodies before because she is quirky and Irish, but normally they looked peaceful, like they were listening to Classic FM whilst waiting for a nice granary loaf to rise in the oven. But Dumbledoor didn't look like he was doing anything with bread. His mouth was wide open, his tongue hanging out like a hotdog that was trying to cool down, and his eyes were opened so far that it's amazing that they didn't just ploop out of his face. There was dried blood under his nostrils and on what little of his lip you could see behind the hare, but it was very clear to everyone that this was not a peaceful death. "We are considering all circumstances, and will be investiagting the matter with all the seriousness that it deserves" said McGonnigle, now tensed up "you are all under potential suspicion, and although we know that most of you didn't kill Dumblefloor, there is a chance that it was one of you, and you may possibly strike again. This beind said, I do not want to cause any additional stress to any of yous, including Neville, as I understand that the studying must be getting hard now and you must be thinking about exams, so I will let you all get on with it." and she stepped down and let one of the goblin teachers step up and announce the day's birthdays.

After getting out of the assembly the group all went back into the common area and hid away from the less significant characters in the corner and discussed the situation. "Something doesn't seem right" said Hermione, sipping from her can of Monster energy drink, "nobody has any idea what happened to Esk, and now Dumbledoor dies out of the blue. This was nothing to do with the Howling as people had seen Dumbleodor looking cheery shortly after the Howling". In all of the recent commotion, people had forgotten that Esk had went missing. The police that had been investigating the situation were now fully occupied by Dumbledoor's murder. "How could she just disappear like that? And her wand?" said Harry, trying to work his brain into a thinking frenzy. It was known that once a wizard or which's wand could not break like that without the person being under attack and likely killed. A few people has suspected that it was the same person that killed Esk as did Dumbledoor because two separate murders in one school in one day was quite coincidental, but as Esk hadn't been found yet, nobody could confirm anything. After a boring day of classes and revising and sharing baguettes, they all retired off to their rooms early tonight. Nobody was in the mood for light hearted banter given the circumstance. As Luna went into her room and got changed into her onesie which looked like a big fluffy elephant with a trunk on the hood. She lay down on her bed, softly sliding along the velvet covers in her costume, and picked up her book from under her pillow. "He knew well that any man in the right circumstances could be dehumanized by-" she started reading before she was interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing. She instantly froze despitee the room being of adequate temperature and the heating being on. She recognised the ringtone as one that she had allocated to a friend of her's. It was Esk calling.


	19. Can I Esk You A Question?

**Chapter 18 - Can I Esk You A Question?**

As the phone rang on, playing the theme to Ghostbusters, Luna moved towards it, unsure of what to expect on the other end. "Hello?" she asked softly down the phone. "Hey there Luna, how's things? I'm sorry I've not spoken to you in a while, been crazy busy. How've you been?" asked Esk, as if she was not dead and hadn't been dead at all. "I'm alright" said Luna as she drank from her nightly cup of tropical fruit juice, "Can you come over to the Hogwarts common area so we can discuss something?". "Sure, but is it not too late?" said Esk. "No, it'll be fine." replied Luna surefootedly. And Esk started to make her way through the building to see Luna. In the meantime Luna had went around people's rooms and got them to all meet out in the common room. They were going to use the janitor's closet of requirement to have this discussion for the sake of privacy, but first they had to get Esk into the common room. "How the fuck is she going to get through the halls?" asked Ginny, tired and pissed off. "Yeah, and there's the painting, and my faggot face brother" said Ron in agreement with his sister. "I don't know" said Luna, "but if she gets stuck we can work something out. I am suspicious of the whole situation to be honest, I think something else is happening here. She doesn't sound like her normal self, so before she arrives I wanted to have a quick chat with you guys about-" Luna started but was interrupted by the sound of someone walking about near the entrance to the common room. If it was Percy or another prefect their plan was scuppered. Ron could theoretically just beat the shit out of Percy again, but he wouldn't get away with it all of the time. The footsteps drew nearer, getting closer to the group who pretended to not be there so as to make the person coming over think that they weren't there. "Hey guys!" said Esk enthusiastically as she revealed herself in front of them, "how are you all doing?". "Esk?" they all cried out quietly in surprise, "how the devil did you get in here? And so quickly?". "Oh, you know me, I have my ways" she shrugged. "Before we continue this chat, I want to first introduce you to Rincewind here" said Luna, pointing her hard fingertips to the bearded man. "Nice to meet you" said Esk. Rincewind just stared back at her like something wasn't quite right here. He was expecting an ice cream sundae and had instead been greeted by a carrot. Things weren't how he expecdet them to be. "We've met before, Esk" said Rincewind, "back in the Discworld part of the world, at the college". "Did we?" asked Esk, "Oh yes, I remember you from there! You were friends with...whatshisface…" said Esk trying to place Rincewind in her head. "I never had any friends if you remembered at all, other than my luggage which is currently asleep in my room. And Twoflower as well but you never met him so fair enough", said Rincewind, who then felt embarrasseed as he was starting to reveal how much of a gay dork he used to be. "Oh well, I guess I can't quite remember you then, sorry" said Esk, who may well have just forgotten Rincewind as there were many people at the college with beards, and many other gay dorks. "What happaned to you over the past few days?" asked Neville, getting straight through to the point. "Well, y'see it was...lady things" Esk started, and9 as she had started saying that people started to shake their faces in agreement and didn't want to talk abou the matter. "Wait! I know that excuse." interrupted Luna, "I have used that before to get out of conversations I didn't want to have!". At this moment, the rest of the group tried to remember any situations when Luna had used this excuse and they could remember quite a few times. Hermione and Ginny decided that they would use it in the future if they needed. They guys decided against using it in the future for smart reasons. "Ok then" said Esk, pausing "it was about my...father...he's...dead". Esk said and sounded upset. "But he died ten years ago?" asked Luna. "Yes...but it was the anniversary, very recently and it all came flooding back" said Esk, sounding upset still. "Okay, normally you've been quite upfront about telling me this, but fair enough" said Luna as she embraced her friend. "I just need a good friend right now" said Esk, "but I understand that you need your sleep. You're clearly tired" said Esk to Luna. "I'll talk to you, come on, we'll get some hot chocolates" said Neville as he stepped in to be the solid friend that everyone expected him to be, and took Esk to get some comfortable drinks in the kitchen. The group then retired to bed, deciding to discuss the matter further in the morrow.

Luna fell asleep quite easily, she shut her eyes and turned off her brain. Rincewind lay awake thinking. Esk had changed a lot since he had last layed his eyes on her. He had briefly met her when he was but a lad, or scallywag, and trying to study at the big school near his home. She was much better at magic than he was and kind looked down her nose at him a bit, but by the looks of things she has matured nicely. Rincewind wondered why she was still young and a kid when he was much older now, but he then remembered hearing that she had been kept back a year for breaking a wizarding rule, and in doing so they must have put a curse on her which kept her young and fresh looking. It was still odd that she couldn't remember him at all though, Rincewind thought, letting his ego get the butter of him. Then he fought his ego back into hiding and reminded himself of how forgettable he would have been.

Presently, the teachers were all gathered in the teacher's lounge to discuss formal matters. "It is imperative that we decide on a new leader for us here at Hogwarts, if the students are to survive intact with all of the howling." said Snape. "Aye, I agree" said McGonnigle, "but who shall it be? Who will have to find their way into Dumbledoor's shoes and slippers?". "I propose you McGonnile" shouted Flitwick as he stood up and was seen for the first time during the meeting. "And I nominate Snap" said Gooch, who also stood up, but was taller than Flitwick as she wasn't a cripple. After nobody else raised any suggestions for a few awkward minutes Hagrid stood up and said "Okay then chaps, it looks like we have a straigh election to run then. We will open the campaign tomorrow and have the actual election in two weeks. Best of luck to ye both". The next morning, as the students woke up, they were greeted with advertising posters and banners everywhere. Paid people were raising awareness for the candydates and the students all realised that the election for head of Hogwarts was now under weigh.


	20. Make Hogwarts Great Again

**Chapter 19 - Make Hogwarts Great Again**

Snape's face was seen all over the walls that day. McGonnigle had went for a slightly less oppressive campaign but her face was still up a lot. As the students were walking about talking to each other, they would have their groups entered by random people who were advertising Snape and McGonnigle. McGonnigle had hired people to give out free pens and diaries to anyone who would sign up to vote for her. This was cool if you were a bit of a loser, but Snape had people giving out free caramel ice creams and other confectioner's treats, and this proved much more popular. Although these weren't the actual votes yet, it was showing a bit of a sway for the slithering king. His popularity was not entirely winning though, as a lot of people saw through his bullshit and saw that he would be quite an evil leader and would not help anyone other than his close friends. The school was split in half, not literally though as that would have been really bad, and as that first week progresses the campaigns became more and more personal and grew more and more viscous. A recording had leaked of Snape talking to Gooch where he had said that he would kick McGonnigle out of the school if he won the election. Everyone had heard the recording of him saying "Yes, if I win then I'll catch her when she's turned into a cat and defenseless, then I'll grab her as a pussy and throw her out!". This caused uproar in the school, then Snape helped people find out that McGonnigle had been using her own personal owls to send secret letters about the school, then before she was caught that she had killed the owls. This had caused all of the animal rights activists to get really mad at her disregard for animal lives. Most people had the common ground in the middle though that no matter who won, it would be a big step down from Dumbledoor, who was great and much less divisive, but with just under a week to go until the election, it looked as though the idea of having a solid leader for Hogwarts would remain only a faint memory.

"I can't believe people are falling for this bullshit!" shouted Hermione as the group walked to potions class. "I know" said Ron "the man is a complete fucking animal and shows no care or regard for anyone else in the world. We also knows that he is the one who killed Hagred's winged beasts and likely was the one that killed Dumbledoor". "How can we stop people for voting for him then?" asked Harry. "If only we could provide irrefutable proof of his evil doings" said Neville. "But how?" asked Ginny. "Yeah how?" asked Rincewind, joining in. Luna was silent, the only person not to be talking in the group. "I think I might have an idea" she said.

Once they were sat down in class Rincewind noticed that Luna was not quite herself, she seemed to be zoned out, like she was having an absence seizure all the time. Just before he could say something to her the lights turned down and a new spotlight pointed towards the front of the class. The Hogwarts national anthem played loudly from the magical harp and the slitherings and various other idiots all clapped like fuckwits as Snape entered the room. Snape was now accompanied by his sidekick Luscious, who kept saying about how he wanted to kick all the mudbloods out of Hogwarts, and make them pay for the gardens upkeeping. This last part was to try and gain favour with Hagrid who hated having to do gardening so much, and for all the people who liked Hagrid, but nobody really believed that for a second. But a lot of elitist people believed in the first one and wanted the mudbloods gone, and they weren't all people in slithering. Percy, the big class traitor that he was, was fully campaigning behind Snape, holding up the banners and wearing the many hats of the campaign. Ron had been wanting to fight with him over this is his GF Hermione was a mudblood, but he knew that by doing that he would be fueling the stereotype that mudbloods, muggles, and those that liked them, were all aggressive and hated the pureblooded magicians and wanted them gone. But all hope wasn't lost, as many pureblooded magicians could see sense. Harry was fully behind McGonnigle's campaign and although he conceded that she wouldn't be as good as Dumbledoor, he strongly believed and knew that she was far better than Snape. Rincewind sided with his friends and was growing sick of the campaign. Once the applauding stopped Snape raised his fists into the air and said "Make Hogwarts Great Again" and people applauded more. He never actually said anything he would actually do if he became head teacher, just that he would be a dick to a lot of people and shit like that. "Let's make the best potions in the world right. Let's make dogbreath potions, you're going to love these potions, I have millions of these potions and normally you have to get these all from other places, but if I get elected then I promise that all the potions we will have in stock, from stinky potions to revive potions, they will all be made here in Hogwarts."

After a long and paintful class where they didn't learn anything about making potions, and only learned about how good Snape's potions were, they were free for the weekend. "Fuck me sideways" said Hermione quietly "this is ridiculous. There are people fighting all over Hogwarts, the security guards are working overtime and the police are hardly getting any time to look into Dumbledoor's death". "I think I need to talk to Esk" said Luna, it had been the first thing that she had said for a while, "Why? What can she do?" asked Rincewind. "I need to find out what actually happened to her. I don't believe that whole story with her dad, plus it doesn't explain the broken wand" said Luna, as she walked off rudely without saying goodbye or t'rah. After she walked off, Rincewind and Captain Arr were discussing the situation whilst eating ice cream. The conversation was quick as the ice creams didn't last long due to neither o them suffering from brain freeze. Once they were finished they decided that they would go to the gym. This had now become a daily routine for Ron and Rincewind had decided that he would start coming along to get buff to impress Luna now that she was single. But Rincewind and Ron would not make it to the gym, and they wouldn't get a chance to be swole young men, as they would be knocked out by a knocking out gas that was deliberately leaked into the changing rooms when they were there, and they were dragged out and taken away. Luna and the rest of them were blissfully unaware as they went through the rest of their day, trying to avoid being caught up in the spin cycle of the election. Luna went into the Ravenclaw common area where all of the nerdy people were sitting in their bean bags and reading books or playing on their laptops. She passed them all without bothering to look at them, she had one reason for being here, she had to talk to Esk. As she knocked on her door she heard a panicked skuffle inside. "Esk? It'sa me?" said Luna through the door. "Coming, 2 secs" said a high pitched voice. Esk didn't sound like herself, she was clearly up to something, or hiding something, or had some sort of throat infection, but if the last one was the case then it would have been very careless for her to show to classes through the day as it increased the likelihood of her spreading infection amongst the class. She had been in Snape's health and safty classes. What could she be thinking? But it turned out that she did not have a throat infection, and when she opened the door to Luna it didn't appear that she was up to anything suspiscious, but Lina had her guard up.


	21. Corruption, Lies And The Unknown

**Chapter 20 - Corruption, Lies, and The Unknown**

Rincewind woke up next to Ron. Not in the same bed or anything gay like that. They were just in the same room. "Where are we?" asked Rincewind who did not have his glasses and struggled to see. "We're in the bathroom" said Ron, who was in the bathroom. "What happened to us? I don't remember needing to pee" said Rincewind who had the bladder of several oxen combined. "Shit dude, do you not remember? We were kidnapped just there, before we passed out" said Ron, who could remember this. Both Rincewind and Ron knew exactly who would have been doing this sort of thing. All the signs were there. This would have been Draco's doing. With his father's vice-head campaign going strong, and his hatred of Rincewind and Captain Arr, added to his love of bathrooms, it was sooooo obvious that he was the person that was doing this. "You are being held hostage by request of Candidate McGonnigle" said a voice from behind them. "Draco, is that you" sad Ron. "No! I am not a friend of Draco's, nor do I support Snape in any way" said the voice. "Are you sure? You sound a lot like Draco" said Captain Arr. "No, I entirely deny that" said the voice, who got pissed off by all of this and knocked the two of them out again, like a pussy. Once they were both knocked out the man picked up his phone out of the urinal where he had placed it and made a call. "Hey boss, what's cracka lackin" he said. "Yup, they are dealt with, they won't be causing any issues with your campaign now" he said. And as he hung his phone up he started to laugh hysterically for a few minutes, until he realised how awkward this was and stopped to go off for lunch, locking the bathroom behind him.

"Are you okay there?" asked Esk as she sipped from a glass of pinot noir. "Yeah, I just want to get everything back to normal I suppose. It's been a crazy few months and I miss the brief period of time that we had where things were quite boring but nice" said Luna. She had been through a lot recently, what with being kidnapped, the luggage attack, her boyfriend being a psycho, and the exams and the monolith. This was not a regular year for her. "I feel you" said Esk with sympathy for her friend. "But I need to know the truth. What really happened with you?" said Luna, pleading for her friend to cut through the shit. "Okay then, I'll be honest with you" said Esk "I have been hiding something from you for the past while. It's…". She paused as Luna leaned in close in anticipation. "Your birthday party!" exclaimed Esk. "OMGWTF" said Luna "I never got to have a birthday party before!". Her parents didn't really celebrate birthdays but they did celebrate anti-birthdays, which were the days exactly half a year between your birthdays. This was traditional in Ireland and nobody really questioned it. "Well, you'll have one this year in a few days!" said Esk with a big cheesy grin. "Cool, I can't wait. Also thanks bbz for remembering my birthday" and then they gave each other a cool headbutt like the bffs they were. Luna was settled then at this, it explained that things were being weird with Esk and she was just finishing her pepsi cola and about to leave the room when she realised that she had forgotten something. "Oh, that was the other thing. What happened with your wand? I found a broken bit" asked Luna. "Oh THAT" said Esk, as she took a big long sip from her glass. "I was out trying to get you a pet badger as a birthday present, but it got really angry and attacked me. But this was ages ago and my new wand arrived today. I can't afford Amazon Prime so I had to wait a few days for it to arrive, but oviously that meant that I couldn't attend classes until recently which conveniently coincided with my return to the story so I just kept to myself and worked on your party" explained Esk. It was a very crazy story but comepared to the rest of the stuff recently itseemed quite natural so Luna beliveved it and went back to her room, excited for her party.

On the way back she thought about all of the cool things that would have to happen for her birthday party. She thought about the food. Luna was a big fan of catered events, not as much as Ginny though who loved a good meal. She wondered if Esk had spoken to Ginny about who to hire for the catering as she knew everything about food. She pictured sausage rolls, haggis balls, cheesy biscuits, and cooked breakfasts. She wanted all that food so much, it was much better than the plain old sandwhiches and baguettes that she had to have every day. There might also be alcohol! This thought interrrupted her previous thoughts about food. Luna had never had booze before, but she knew that Esk had, and that Esk was technically older and could buy some with her ID. She knew then that she'd be drunk, and eating food, and dancing to cool old music. But she also knew that she wouldn't be alone. All of her friends would be there too. Captain Arr and Hermione would be there and having the best time of the year. Captain Arr would be drunk and trying to show off his mighty strength, and Hermione would try and act embarrased for him but would also be turned on and it would be funny. She then thought of the other people who would be there and be drunk. She thought of Seamus being all careless and getting himself set on fire. Ginny eating all the food, Harry telling all his stories about his crazy adventures. Maybe Harry would drunkenly ride on his broomstick, he could challenge someone to a race and it would be so funny and they would both end up crashing and end up in hospital or something. Luna giggled at this idea. She thought that Percy and Filch and his stupid cat would probably try to do something about it, but she knew that Esk knew this as well so she wasn't too worried. She was looking forward to everything so much, she was skipping up the stairs and through the corridoors. Luna was so lucky to have the friends that she had. Once she got back into the Gryfindoor common room she knocked on Rincewind's door to tell him that everything was Okay with her now that she's spoken to Esk, and to see if he wanted to get a late lunch as he wouldn't have eaten all day. "Knock Knock!" she said as she knocked on his door. There was no response. "Rinceiwnd?" she called. There was still no repsonse. Then she realised that he probably knew all along that Esk was hosting a birthday party for her. The sneaky devil. She thought that he would probably be making drinks and doing cool adult stuff like that. A party like this would be just up Rincewind's street, he used to go about drinking all the time and would know all the fun games to play. So Luna went back to her bathroom and started daydreaming about the big day. She pictured games of darts and pool, and trivia games and stuff like that. She imagined all the drinking games over the course of the night until everyone was drunk at the end. She thought that Hermione and Captain Arr would be winching away once Hermione was so horny for Ron's muscles. She thought that Harry and Ginny would be as well, they always got that way. So did Seamus and his GF, and same with everyone. Neville would be with anything that moved as Neville was a bit of a slut like that. It was always funny to see who he ended up with. Esk would have called it an early night as she would have been arranging everything and would be tired, plus she had a vitamin deficiency so she would be extra tired anyway. So Luna pictured herself around all the couples and temporary hookups, alone, for the first time in a long time. At first this seemed horrible, she enjoyed a good winch, but now that Crabbe was in Hull for being a prick she wouldn't have anyone to get with. At least she wouldn't be alone, she thought, as Rincewind would also be winchless for the night, so she could spend that time hanging out with him.

Rincewind, she thought. He was such a nice person, without him, she would have had a much shittier few months than she had anyway. He had constantly been there for her, and not just in the bad times that tended to be the ones to make the novel. The lunch banter had been amazing. It turned out that Rincewind was great at impressions, and he had loads of cool stories about the other novels that he had appeared in and they were all really cool. She had also told Rincewind her stories about dead animals, and all of the books that she read, and the puppets that her dad made, and her mum and her family. She confided a lot in Rincewind. She was thinking about breaking with Crabbe anyway because of the advice that Rincewind had given her. He seemed to dislike him right from the start, even though he barely knew him. At first she thought that this was cuntish, but then after he kidnapped her and ran off with someone else it seemed like a fair judgement. So it would just be them at the end of the night, Luna thought. Everyone else would be tongue deep in each other and they could laugh at how ridiculous it all was. They would be sitting at the bar chatting away, laughing at Neville going out on the pull, in the most considerate way imaginable. "Here's to a happy birthday" said Rincewind, "and to a drunk and horny Neville" and Luna raised her toast and jam, and her drink and clinked glasses with Rincewind and laughed. "What a night" she cortled. Just then, a song would come on over the juicebox. You Don't Know Me by Craig Charles. "OMG" said Luna "this is from my favourite film ever, Groundhog day! I prefer this to Ghostbusters and I fuckin love that!". Then she would remember that scene in the film and get sad. "What's wrong with that" said Rincewind. "Well, it's just that this is the song that Phil and Rita dance to and it's so nice." explained Luna. "What's wrong with that?" asked Rincewind. "Well, I don't have anyone to dance with, and all the rest of them do" said Luna, with a small glimmer of hope in her voice as she would raise her hed and met eye to eye with Runcewind. "Well, howabout we have this one then" said the bearded man as he would stand up, take her by the hand and lead her to the dancefloor. Her friends would all be cheering for her initially before getting back to their winching as she danced with Wincewind. The thought of being in his bearded embrace made her happy as Luna presently lay in the bath smiling away. Then she suddenly stopped daydreaming and took in the whole situation. What were these thoughts going through her mind? Rincewind was such a good friend and was clearly not interested in her, she was too quirky and Irish for him. The last thing she would want to do was to make things awkward and ruin their friendship. So she would have to just forget all about these brief thoughts and move on. But as Luna lay awake at night she couldn't make these thoughts go away.

The next morning she got up from bread groggilly, like a sleepy mongoose that had a busy night. As she went through to the common area to get her breakfast cereal she noticed the newspaper on the table that everyone else had read when they got up. The headline on the front read: "Rincewind and Captain Arr Missing! McGonnigle Suspected". Luna lost all appetite.


	22. Four Days Until The Election

**Chapter 21 - Four Days Until The Election**

Ron woke up. His sheer bulk made him more resistant to the chloroform that was used against him. He silently tested his boundaries. He was handcuffed strongly and knew that he couldn't get out. He still didn't make a sound though, so as to remain undetected. He lay still and tried to figure how he could get out. He was pretty sure that it was Draco that had kidnapped him, despite his attempts to convince Ron and Rincy that he wasn't. Ron noticed that they had now been moved to a cubicle. As he tried to peer underneath that gap in the bottom of the door that's there so you can peek on people as they poo, Ron heard the bathroom door creak open. He moved back and pretended to be unconscious, but he was still awake. "So are they out then?" asked a man who sounded like he had long blonde hair. "Yes, I did as you said" said the other person. "Very good then, you will be rewarded for this" said the blonde man back again, "but, can I see them for myself? Nothing would give me greater delight than to see these two out of action for a bit". "Certainly" said the other person as they both walked over in a very slithery way over to the cubicle door and it opened. Ron sensed their shadows over him as they blocked out part of the light. He slitted his eyes like an asian dude and caught a glimpse. Ron's hearing was correct, the man did have long blonde hair. In fact the hair was well conditioned. It was Luscious! "I am very proud of you son" said Luscious to the other person who was clearly Draco but still wore a mask anyway. "I will let Profressor Snape know imeddately" he said as he slithered away and out of the room. Ron had no idea what Snape wanted with them in the bathroom, but he knew that he would have to tell Rincewind all about this, once he woke him up, which would have to be once Draco had finished taking a shit in the next cubicle.

"What the fuck is going on?" said Harry to Luna as he came rushing over to her once he could see the headline. "I don't know...I just…" said Luna but her fear and general situation kept interrupting her at every chance. "I don't believe that McGonnigle has anything to do with this! I just can't" he said, firmly, with feeling. As the rest of the group went to the Assembly Hall, they were booed and jeered and had apples thrown at them. The only consolation to the whole situation was that Mr Filch would have to clean these up later, but even he didn't care, all the friends of McGonnigle were hated by the masses. "Okay, now let the first election debate begin" shouted Sprout as she was too short to reach the microphone. "The first speech will belong to McGonnigle, then Snape will reply, then Snape will speak, then McGonnigle will reply", explained Sprout, who was neutral in the whole affair because she didn't really do much else. Everyone braced themselves for McGonnigle's speech. As she stood up, many people shouted at her. Not everyone was against her, or for Snap for that matter, but many of them were scared of being ostrich sized like Neville and the friends, so they kept their mouths shut. "Children, teachers, staff, pets, ghosts. I have been at this school for many years. I have seen us through some of the hardest times in the school's history. I have saved the lives of the many. I have used the powers of my Scottish accent to sway many debates. I have won in the past, and I will win noo. My opponent, Severeus Snap, should not be given control of Hogwarts. Once in control, he will have power over many things that he can't even begin to consider. I understand that there is a divide between people who are fine with muggles and mudbloods and all that, and flat out racists. Even with this divide, the School is historically neutral, like Switzerland, except we don't produce Toblerones here any more! But I can change that. If you elect me in, I will keep us neutral and saf from the outside world. I will also reopen the toblerone making level of the school, and will give portions out at a discounted price to all students. Thankyou for your time" said McGonnigle, but not all in one breath. As she sat down, quite a few people applauded her. These were the quiet people who were still behind her. As Snape stood up to give his reply he glared over to the main characters and gave a wee chuckle. "Thank you all!" he began, "first I would like to cut through the bullshit and get right down to the main situation. Where are Rincewind and Ron? Our most beloved students. The very people that saved another student recently, and also saved the school from a briefcase with baby feet. If you are such a guardian of Hogwarts, then why do you have these people kidnapped. Is it because you know how popular they are? And want to silence their voices?". "That's a complete lie, I have no idea what happened to them!" McGonnigle shouted in raw female rage. "Okay, so let's just say then that it's 'COINCIDENCE' that a note was found from them saying that they had been kidnapped by someone who said they were working for you", said Snape. A note had been found, but it had been forged by Malfoy, who had excellent and very adaptable penmanship, largely due to being a posh cunt. "Okay then" started Snape again, "You make such a big deal about saving Hogwarts...I would put it forward that you save nobody and nothing but yourself, is this not ture?" he asked in a leading way, "for, did you die at any stage in the previous events? Even when other people including myself died?". "Well no" said McGonnigle, unsure where he was going. "Well, it would appear that you are only out for yourself and by sheer co-inky-dink Hogwarts was saved in the process. I have shown you to be full of lies in one swift speech. I will finish my argument with one closing statement. If I am elected, I will give free toblerones to all!". The crowd cheered. Everyone loved toblerone. It looked as though McGonnigle was losing badly, but she still had the last word before the debate was over. "Speaking of past records" she said, "we all loved our recently departed leader, Mr. Gumbledoor. Mr. Snape, why was it then yourself that killed him previously?". Snape had nothing to say to this, he didn't realise she knew as she wasn't there, but she knew. "Might it then be the case, going on previous history, that you were indeed the person to kill Dumbledoor this time? And if that was the case then you would need to have a reason. I believe that the reason was to brainwash all of the students here into electing you as the new leader so you can get the benefits of being in charge. Well I ask of the students to really think over this. Think of how much you loved Dumbledoor, and think of Snape killing him once. Do you think that he killed him again?" and McGonnigle sat down, feeling triumphant. Many people cheered at her speech, which caused a small riot in the middle. Neville, Hermione, Harry, Ginny, and Luna all got out in time before the fight got really bad. Flitwick never got a chance to read out the day's birthdays.

"This is madness" said Luna to the rest of them, "I am sure that McGonnigle has nothing to do with the kidnapping of our dear boys. I bet it's Snape and Draco and all of them, but we need to find them now!". This was all good to say, but where would they be? They had to do some research. So Neville offered his room to have an all nighter in, and they piled in, got out their notebooks and pens and started jotting some ideas down. Neville made some coffee for people so that they could stay up late, a solid move, from a solid friend.


	23. 32

**Chapter 22 - 3...2...**

As the morrow hit and the sharp sunrise penetrated the east facing windows like a big light dick going into windows that were the butts in this metaphor, the team of Harry, Ginny, Hermoine, Luna, and dear old Neville were still hard at work. They had a solid start to where to go first, but were still figuring things out. If it turned out that it really was McGonnigle that was the one who kidnapped Rincewind and Ron then they would be kicked out the school for sure, but if that was the real world, then they didn't want to live in it. They had been trying to figure out where Draco and all of them would have taken Rincewind, but didn't really know. It wouldn't be back to their house because they lived moles away and that was too far. It wouldn't be in slithering as that would have involved getting them through the painting which was hard and getting them through the halls. It had to be somewhere near the gym. So they all agreed that they would go and search the gym for any sign. Upon arriving at the outside of the gym they realised that if the people at the gym were in on this, then they might alert Draco and Luscious and the gig would be up, so they would have to pretend to be gym goers. They went into the appropriately gendered changing rooms and got changed into trackies and t-shirts with headbands and trainers. It was time to go work out. For most of them this would be fine, but Ginny felt very self conetious as she was really fat. Harry also felt bad as he was really thin and not muscly at all and here they were at the gym which was covered in hairy behemoths of men. "Hey guys! Fancy seeing you here!" shouted a voice from a treadmill at the back. It was Esk. She hadn't used to be a Jim person, but ever since the mysterious things were happening with her, she had started to go. "Hey, we're just looking for…" said Luna before being interrupted by Neville "a good workout". The walls had many ears, not all of them were friendly here. Plus, nobody really knew Esk's opinion on the election. For all they knew she was really racist. In all of the time that they had spent with Esk, not once had the mixing of the races ever come up in conversation, they didn't want to assume anything. "Oh okay, well I'll be here with you then!" she said back with her trademark enthusiasm for life. This completely fucked with their plans. If they were to search the area for two men locked in bondage, then they could hardly do this whilst undergoing a cardiovascular workout. "Actually Esk" started Neville, "I was wondering if you could give me some advice for a workout with that weight machine over there" as he pointed to the leg press in the corner. In doing this he would distract Esk from the rest of the group so that they could carry on their investigation whilst he made the sacrifice of getting a bit more ripped. But after an hour they couldn't find anything. They had searched in all of the rooms, in all of the halls, in all of the cupboards, and everywhere else. It was apparent that either they never made the gym, or had been taken elsewhere. Time was running low for this day as they had classes and things on for the rest of the day, and they would have to wait until tomorrow before they continued the search.

The next day came, but Ron and Rincewind didn't. They were still stuck in the bathroom with Draco guarding the door that was already locked. The night before, Rincewind and Ron had devised a plan to get out of the bathroom, but it would require psychological manipulation and tricks of the mind which were not the forte of the Captain "Beefhead" Arr. Luckily this was Rincewind's thing that he could do as he had found himself in many sticky places before. "We're doomed I tell you" he said to Ron. Draco sat by the dore and tried not to boor himself with their conversation. "We have no chance of escape, even if we escaped these handcuffs, which we can't, we're locked in here. Nobody else has the key apart from Mr Filch who keeps it in his stupid cat and he wouldn't let us out because he is cuntish and because we have assaulted him in the past. Draco is also here but he is largely redundant at this point." said Rincewind to Ron, loudly. Draco picked up on this conversation, thinking that he was dropping eves into their banter, but this was not just more idle chatter, this was all part of Rincewinde's masterplan. Draco continued to sit still and play with his trademark yoyo. He enjoyed the string part because it was like a slithery snake, and he enjoyed the big ball at the end because it reminded him of a toilet. He did love spending time in the bathrooms with friends. But this was not his regular haunt of a bathroom, it would have been far too obvious for him to be there, so instead he had to take the two captives to one on the floor above where nobody went really. How he missed his regular bathroom. He had hidden all of his secret illegal things in there and would do lots of heroin when he wasn't at class. He loved opiates so much, and he was jonesing for his fix as he sat by feeling completely redundant.

Luna and the rest of them were awakening, eating breakfast, and coming up with their plan to find Rincewind and Ron before it was all too late. They had went out to talk to Hagried about the whole situation. "Knock knock" said the door as they knocked on it. Hagrid stirred in his bed, trying to thoroughly mix in the milk with the rest of the tea. He got up, walked over to his big wooden table that had a fantastic new veneer since he had it rebuilt, placed his tea down on a coaster because he wasn't a fucking psychopath who left rings everywhere, and opened the door. "Hullo chaps, are you here about the election? Because if you are then I'm voting for McGonnigle and there's nothing you can do about it!" said the hairy beast. Hagrid was very much not racist. He had several black friends who he hung around with, and was quite a fan of chinese and indian food. "No, we're not here to talk about that, well not directly said Harry" said Neville. "Plus, we're also not racist and are also voting for McGonnigle, Snape gives us all heeby jeebies on a regular basis" pointed out Hermione. "Ah okay then, we'll get ye in then and make some tea and not talk about any of that codswallop" said Hagrid. Codswallop was a word from the original language of the giants which meant bullshit, as they had evolved over many milleniums in shoreside towns and harvested fish. To them, the cods were the cows of the sea, and they often got them confused. As they sat down in their seats Hagrid noticed that the group was smaller than it usually was. "Where's them other two then? The beardy one and the one with all them muscles?" he said, confused and scared. Hagrid had been avoiding the school for the past few days because he was sick of the election bullshit and hadn't heard the news. "They have been kidnapped, and people are claiming that it was McGonnigle, and it's meaning that people are getting closer to voting for Snap" said Neville, worried for all of his friends of different racial background. Hagrid swalloped his tea angrily, scalding his throat on the way. "That is massive codswallop!" he shouted, shaking the walls, "who would do such a thing to two innocent boys, even if one is a grown man with a beard?". "It's clearly Draco and Luscious who are both obviously working for Snape, it's really obvious, but where would they be?" said Luna, "today we've tried the bathroom where Draco normally spends his time, and the salon where Luscious gets his hair treated, but they weren't there. They were kidnapped at some point going to the gym, but we've searched there and couldn't find anything, other than sweat and spilled protein shakes". "Hmm…" said Hagrid hmm-ing and stroking his big mighty dog, "The gym is on the fourth floor right?" he asked. The group all nodded like a solar powered dog you get for the back of the car. "Well, nobody really goes on that floor because they're all too lazy, there's lots of rooms up on there that they could have been taken to" Hagrid suggested. This would have made a great deal of sense. It would have been very difficult to move Ron any real distance due to his enormity, especially up or down stairs. But how were they to check these rooms? Filch had the only key to them and he was doing his rounds all day. He would have to be assaulted again, that night.


	24. 1

**Chapter 23 - 1…**

As Filch lay in his filth he had no idea what was about to happen to him as he was asleep. He only ever cleaned, slept, and generally went about being a prick. His stupid cat was sitting on what once resembled a bookcase, trying to clean itself. But the cat could not grasp that it would never be clean of the sins that it helped to commit. Everyone could tell that Filch was a pathetic scrote of a man, but very few people knew that he was a slithering. He had been sorted into the house many years ago, when he was younger, but still filthy. He was too stupid and smelly to complete school and had to drop out after the first few months. He tried to go home but his parents had been arrested for crimes against the nostrils of humanity, so he was left homeless. Dumbledoor in his sweet nature invited him to Hogwarts and gave him a home in return for his services as cleaner and general dogsbody. He acquired a stupid cat at some stage but nobody really knew why and where. This detail was not of importance to this story though so I shant expand on it. He fell asleep like a giant sleepy turd in a toilet bowl and woke up a few hours later in a cupboard. He looked around with his grotty eyes at his surroundings. The faint candlelight made a couple of the paintings on the wall visible. It was Mr. Quesganend, his predecessor as Hogwarts cleaner. He realised then exactly where he was, he was in the Janitor's closer of requirement. But why would he have been here? He had no requirement of this? He then realised in his tiny smelly brain that although he didn't require this room to be here, somebody else did. "Who is it?" he called out, pissed off and bored at being continually assaulted, "I'll fuckin get ye". "It looks like you were the one who has been got" said a voice, as she laughed away to herself, "I want to know where the keys are to the rooms on the fourth floor.". "I'll never tell you that you fucking idiot, I am a man of intergritty and I will not be swayed" said Filch trying to sound noble. "Oh, but I know that you have already been swayed, I know that you are the most swaying person ever that was not aboard a boat" said the voice back to him. The person speaking had used a spell to change her voice so that she couldn't be identified easily. "I shall give you one last chance" she said "or I will have to resort to-", "resort to what" she was interrupted by Filch who wanted to be back in his mouldy bed. "Resort to convincing you otherwise" the voice said back as a metallic sound could be heard. "Well you can try all you want but you're getting nothing out of me then, none of your tricks will work" said a defiant Filch, he thought he was invisible but he could be seen. "Oh" said the voice back, "how I hoped you would say that" and a hand came out of the darkness and grabbed Filch's hand and tied them to the arms of the chair. Filch screamed and tried to fight but it was no good, it was as though this person interrogating him was actually several people at once. "What are you doing?" he cried. "Fixing you...slowly" the voice said methodically, then a hand reached over to Filch's left hand, pulled the pinky finger back, placed it in the middle of a pair of scissors...snip!

Filch cried out in agony as his finger fell to the ground. Mucus and phlegm departed his mouth at alarming rates. "I can't believe you just cut off my fucking funger! I'll kill you all!" he shouted. "Oh stop it" said the voice, "we all know the secret that the finger held.". Once this was said he stopped. He knew that these people had done their research and knew far too much about him. "How did you know? Who told you?" he said calmly, despite having just had his finger chooped off. "We have sources, we have ears and eyes all over this building and they tell us many things" said the voice back, ominously. There was no blood coming from where the finger wasn't. Instead there was a stump of skin, already healed over, and some residue of the glue that held the fake finger on, or at least used to. The unknown person picked up the fake finger and looked at it. It was quite convincing really, it even wiggled about from time to time as if it was a real finger that loved to wiggle about as fingers do. But this finger was not real, this finger was Filch's secret. The person pulled up on the fingernail which was long and dangly like a big sock on a radiatior, and by pulling it up they revealed a small metallic shine. This was then revealed to be a single key. But what could this be a key for? "You'll get in no doors with that then" said Filch who laughed as he spoke so he was borderline impossible to understand. "Oh I know, but our little birds have told us that this key opens up a friend of yours, and that is where you keep your master keys. I guess if you don't tell us we'll have to bypass this key and manually retrieve the locking tool" said the voice. Filch was not expecting them to know this. How did they know? How could anyone know? Nobody other than Filch knew this and he hadn't told anyone, hence they didn't know, but they did, and he didn't know how they knew, nor would he likely ever know, but he knew that they knew, and he knew that they knew how they knew, and he knew that they knew that he was petrified. "No, I'll tell you, just don't hurt my stupid cat" he cried out, petrified. "I'm afraid I'll have to unless you tell me how to get the key" the voice said with menace. "I'll tell you, just place the key in between my stupid cat's nostrils and a small flap in her fur will open." he said, petrified. "But how can we know you are telling the truth?" said the voice "you're clearly petrified, but you may be lying, I guess I'll have to open her up to find out". "Nooooooooooo!" He cried out in tears, petrified, "I swear on my life, I swear on my stupid cat's life, I swear on me mum" he shouted. The anonymous person didn't want everyone to hear this so they stopped this ludicrous display. "Okay then, but you'll be staying here until this is all sorted out" she said, then Filch saw a shovel fly down towards his face. Then blackness.

Luna woke up after a nice long sleep, where she thought of ways to try and get into the locked rooms, in between random dreams of giraffes and antilopes sweeping majestically over the plains in the great ballet of life. As she surveyed her room she found that it was exactly the same as it was when she had gone to sleep. This was a normal occurrence and was good, it meant that nobody had been in her room. Luna smiled and thought about the wonders of locks when she heard a knockity knock on the door. She walked over, after putting on her slippers, and opened the door after removing the safety hatch that she loved so much, expecting to see someone there, but instead she was greeted with a giant box with baby feet underneath. She recognised Rincewind's luggage immediately and knew that it was an easily misunderstood beast, much like herself, so she gave it sympathy and let it walk into her room. Once inside, the box got right down to business and opened itself up to Luna. Inside, on a small velvet pillow, was a parcel, wrapped in brown paper, with a tiny black bow on the top. There was a message written on the top of it that read "I hope this proves useful in your current situation", but it was not signed. Luna thought this was odd but she loved opening presents and this was quite like a present in its own way so she opened it up. Inside the package was a great delight, it was a set of smelly keys that all had the letter "M" printed on them. Luna recognised this as the Master Keys that had been described to her by a dead rabbit that once saw them. These were exactly what they needed, but who had found them? After she left her room she asked her friends but they were all as confused as each other. They all also had solid allibis. Harry and Ginny were sleeping together, Hermione had slept in the same room as her friend Peshwari Patil who vouched for this. No one had slept with Neville, but his handwriting skills were subpar and there was no chance that he could have written the note. It was a complete mystery, but before they could figure out who it was they had to get on with the things that they had to do this day, which were classes and then to find their friends.

Once in Snape's class they were subjected to the usual propaganda bullshit, like when they had to sing songs about mudbloods being shit and white supremacy. This made many people mad including Hermione who was a mudblood and eventually couldn't handle singing about how shit she was. She burst out "No, I cannot mainting this ludicrous facade! I am a mudblood and I am no worse than any of you". Snape immediately put her in a disabling spell which made her fall back to her chair. "Fine, if that's how you will be then I will put you in detention my pretty! And your little friends too!" and he crackled and doomed them to punishment exercises mwuahahaah. After class, all of the free students could leave to play and frolic in the grounds of Hogwarts, whilst trying to avoid the oppressive campaigns of hate from both sides. It was a beautiful day outside, winter was coming, and the first snow was just about here. But the gang could not experience this day, as they were stuck under Snape's huge gays and forced to copy out lines from his autobiography "I did it Snape's Way".

Meanwhile, Rincewind and Ron's plan was starting to come to fruition, as Draco's boredom and inner self-loathing due to his father's vain nature were coming to a boil. "I can't believe my father has such little faith in my evil powers that he has condemned me to looking after two fuckwits who are stuck in a shitty bathroom that is really shit as bathrooms go" said Draco loudly to himself in frustration. He then picked up a nearby soap from a sink and threw it at a wall. This was incredibly satisfying for Rincewind and Capitan Arr, not because they had some sadistic hatred for hygiene products, but because they knew that their subtle psychological torment of Draco was proving successful. "Fuck it, I'm going to a better bathroom, to hang out with my friends" said Draco, full of angst as he left the room and slammed the door shut behind him, and locking it in a rageful way. Once he was gone and his pathetic teenage grumblings were no longer heard going down the corridor, Rincewind and Ron sprung into action, like a jack in the box that was handcuffed and in the bathroom. Ron tried to get angry and pumped up to brak out of the handcuffs, but it was no good, he was just too serene right now. So Rincewind had to make him angry. "You do realise that Hermione is probably crying right now because she's a mudblood and everyone hates her. I bet she wishes you were with her to help but you're not and she's all alone to deal with this." said Ribwind, trying to rile him up. "Of course, that's if she's not found someone else like her. Maybe she hates all purebloods and she's found a mudblood like herself to be with instead. You've not been there for her Ron and she might see that as your fault." he continued. Ron was getting more and more angry, like a dog that was trying to eat its dinner, but you kept getting closer and closer to it pretending that you're going to steal it but you weren't really because dog food tastes like shit, but the dog doesn't really have a say in the matter. Ron was about to burst. "Of course, she's probably seeing someone more muscular, someone more like the blob version of you" Rincewind said and this proved to be the tipping point as Ron blew over in a fit of rage. His muscles seemed to expand further than Rincewind had ever seen muscles before. They burst out the handcuffs and Ron was free, but still fool of rage. He would quickly calm down, but not before ripping the walls off the cubicle and throwing the toilet in the air, spraying toilet water everywhere. Rincewind calmed him down with the offer of a piece of toblerone which was Ron's weakness. He loved the chocolate triangle so much and could feel nothing but absolute joy and satisfaction when faced with one, and once this happened he seemed to shrink back to his regularly buff self and was back to normal. They were free of the handcuffs but were still locked in. Little did they know that their friends had the key and would be coming to free them that night, or at least to attempt to.


	25. The Election

**Chapter 24 - The Election**

T'was the night before the election, and all through the school, the children were sleeping, and their fate lay unknown. Not all of the students were in peaceful slumber, some were still awake reading books or listening to music, some were having a sly wank, and a few of them were embarking on a voyage through the halls of Hogwarts, in an attempt to uncover one of the greatest scandals in the school's long and scandalous history. If they were to find that Snape had arranged for Rincewind and Ron to be kidnapped, to then blame it all on McGonnigle, then they would have unveiled that Snap had broken several of the laws of both man and god. The borrowed the Marinade map from Fred and George and were ready to use this to avoid people like Percy and his shitty curly hair, and Filch who was sure to be after them. But as they checked the map after leaving the common room they found that they could not be found. It was as though they had vanished off of the face of the earth, or had never existed in the first place and were some giant group hallucination. The group were on the verge of questioning their own existence when Neville suggested that they might all just be off the school's grounds. What were they possibly doing out there though? Luna thought hard over this, nobody knew of Filch doing anything other than cleaning and beng a cunt to everyone, and Percy...at least he could be contactable, maybe. Luna suggested to Herminoe that she call Percy and despite her grumpling he accepted her fate and tried to call. "Hi there, you are through to the voice of Percival Weasley, Head Boy of Hogwarts and member of high society. If you are worth my time, please leave a message and I may get back to you if I feel that it is worthwhile." said the voicemail. It didn't even ring, which suggested that he may have just let the battery die, but Percy always had his pockets full of replacement batteries in case of this eventuality. He must have been somewhere without reception. But the entire school and nearby area had 4G as of the past year, wherever Percy was, he must have been far, far away. The group wandered through the halls with no interruption then, finding that the path was far too easy and almost didn't seem to warrant writing about, but it was so unusually quiet and easy that this was worth mention. They didn't sneak, but just walked, with pride and swagger, through the cooridoors, up to the fourth floor, where they felt that Rincewind and Ron would be. Once there they started checking the rooms.

Rincewind and Captain Arr had waited long enough, it was night and they felt that there was enough silence for them to try and escape without alerting Filch. They didn't know that Filch was missing so this seemed like necessary worriment. "Okay, so we bust open this toilet, climb down into the pipes, and climb through them all the way until reach another bathroom, climb up through those pipes and up break through a toilet at that end. The bathroom should be unlocked and we should be able to escape through that and be free to expose the charade!" said Ron. "Yeah I know, we've already agreed on that" said Rincewind, wondering why Ron would re-iterate an established plot like that. Who would possibly gain any knowledge from his explanation? It all seemed like a grubby plan that reeked of piss and shit, but it was the only way out that they could see. The bathroom had no windows because it was a bathroom and they didn't want peeping people peeping at peeing people, so they surrounded the room with windowless walls which withered any plans to escape. The room had one other connection, other than the door, with the outside world, and that was the plumbing system. So Ron and Rincewimd shrugged, accepted their shitty fate, and started hacking away at the toilet. Ron was too defeated emotionally to get angry so his strength was only mighty, not superhumanly humongous.

As the gang of friends were going room to room, door to dore, They found nothing of interest. Just empty classrooms, paintings of things, students hooking up in covert fashion, and washing up. Just when all hope seemed to be lost they heard a banging sound, like someone banging on a toilet. They rushed to the door where the sound was coming from and heard the following sounds. "Yes Ron! Get it harder! Break it open with your mighty rod!". It was Rincewind! And the group stopped in their tracks, which were footstep shaped, at this point and looked at each other. If it turned out that Rincewind and Captain Arr were secretly fagboys then it would be a big change to the group dynamic, especially for Hermione who thought that gays were cute but really wouldn't like her boyfriend to be one. It would have meant that they were breaking one of the laws of both man and god and that they would have to hide this for as long as they both shall live. And it would also mean that there was nothing that they could do about the election. The all gulped at once, nodded and burst down the door to uncover the truth. Once inside they noticed that they were both fully clothed, and banging on a toilet, tearing it up to smithereens. "What in god's fine name are you two doing?" asked Neville like a puzzled friend. It was obvious to everyone else that they were trying to break the toilet to allow an escape route through the piping system, but Neville was a bit slow like this, in an endearing way. After they explained the above to Neville who took a few attempts to understand, they were off and out into the corridor of night. Draco was in another bathroom, on another floor shooting up his drugs and didn't hear the commotion above. They flew through the halls and into the corridoors and into the fat lady and into the gryfindoor common room. They were the last people up as the rest had all gone to sleep after a long day's frolic. "So what do we do now?" asked Luna, after Ron and Rincewind had explained the whole situation with Draco. "Well, we go to McGonnigle tomorrow, and unveil these charlatans and rid the school of their nonsense", said Rincewind, "but first, I'm going to sleep" and he took his socks off right there and then and went to bed. The rest of the group followed him but into their own beds. Ron and Hermiony had some good sexy lovin' that night as they hadn't seen each other in a while.

The next morning they got up first thing, snuck out and went to McGonnigle's office. "Mrs McGonnigle! We simply must to you talk right now!" cried Harry in his dramatic voice. She opened the door at first slowly because she was tired and hungover, then quickly once she saw the two boys who had been missing. "By jingo! Where have you two been?" she asked and invited them all in for a coffee and croissant. After a long and fairly standard explanation and some croissants, Ginny also had a scone, they were discussing how to deal with this. They decided to show up to the election polls as a group and have everyone realise what had been going on. So the group hid out in McGonnigle's room for a few hours until the polls were opening at around midday. There were three hours left until they would be closing and they had a lot to achieve. They heard the sounds of the students both rustling and bustling in the big hall, it was time to make their entrance.

"Ta Dah!" shouted McGoniggle, which made everyone turn around and when they saw what they saw they all gasped. It was the group, including Ron and Rincewind. People flocked to them and started asking questions and reaching towards them with their hands to see if they were real and not just figments of some sort of group consciousness, but they were not, and they were very real. "I have an announcement to make!" shouted Ron, using his beefy lungs to enunciate so clearly that it cleaned everyone's glasses. "Rincewind and I were kidnapped! And by Draco Malfoy nonetheless!" he said with inhuman clarity. Some people laughed, some people cried. "He kidnapped us for his father Luscious and his Headmasteral candidate Severus Snape!". Just before he could say any more another voice piped up, this time from the end of the hall. "Are you sooooo sure about that?". It was Snape! Some people at this stage were so overcucumbered with all the drama that they were fainting. "I have a recording here which says otherwise! Shall we hear it" he continued, laughing away like a snake. Draco and Luscious stood by him, grinning with their white hair, like a pair of pricks. Snape placed the cassette tape in the cassette tape player and it then played the cassette tape for everyone to hear. "Yes Ron! Get it harder! Break it open with your mighty rod!". Everyone heard this and recognised Rincewind's voice and started laughing. "You see, it was all a rouse to try and convince you of some bullshit so you wouldn't vote for me!" said Snape, "they were actually being disobediant and skiving school and disregarding their education and breaking the laws of both man and god by having bum sodomy between boys!". People were shocked and started to fight. There were two kinds of people now, there were the people that believe this bullshit, and the people that knew that Ron was straight because, well, look at Hermione, she looks nothing like a bloke. Plus Ron is a big gym person, and gays don't work out! Not everyone knew this though so the room was divided. "I will have silence right fucking now!" shouted a massive voice that nearly deafened people. It was fucking Flitwick of all people. "This behaviour is shitting ridiculous and will not be tolerated. You will all leave the room, queue up like fucking queueing rats and enter the room one at a time, vote and fuck off!" he shouted. His voice was infinitely bigger than he was because he sang a lot and was nearly 80% lung. People didn't want to lose their right to vote so they all obeyed this.

Three hours later the votes had been cast and the school's morale was at an all time low. The students were all in the great hall, sat at their benches, the teachers were all sat at the front. Three people stood. One tall gothy dickbreath, one not quite as tall scottish woman, and one tiny man with a moustache. The tiny man counted the two piles of papers which represented the votes. It was going to be very close and it was impossible to tell the difference between the piles by looking. Everyone was shitting themselves, the smell was atrocious. "Okay" he piped up, quieter than before, "after the votes were cast the resulting scores are as follows." Everyone moved onto the edges of their seats, people who were already on the edge just fell off. "Minervous McGonnigle of Gryfindoor house received...two thousand, four hundred and forty two votes. Severeus Snap of Slithering recevied… two thousand...four hundred, and fifty." The hall erupted in a mix of cheers and outrage. Snape had fucking won and the school was surely doomed. "Silence at once" said the new headmaster. "I would firstly like to thank all of my voters and supporters, you really are the best. But I feel that the school is too divided. I want to make it more united. The current difficulty lies mainly between Slithering and Gryfindoor, the other houses are pretty neutral to be honest. And as a man of action and simple plans I would like to make an executive action as my first action as headmaster. From today onwards the school of Hogwarts Witchcraft and Wizerdry will only contain THREE houses, and the house of Gryfindoor will be no more! All the students who were sorted into it previously are expelled, and McGonnigle, as head of the house, has been fired!". There should have been a fight right there, but none of the Gryfindoor students could bring themselves to. The slitherings were cheering away in their snakey fashion adn they should have been fighting this, but by the look of defeat and acceptance in their leader's face they knew that it was all over, and they were escorted up to their rooms to collect their belongings, then after that they were escorted out of the school by Filch and his stupid cat, and the gates shut behind them.


	26. Outside The Wall

**Chapter 25 - Outside The Wall**

The sun was blindingly bright as it cut through the trees which were now nearly totally bare. It was setting early now that we were getting deeper into winter. Christmas was nearing and with it would come joy for the students at Hogwarts. The usual Christmas feast was due soon, and the party crackers and usual festivities were soon behind them. There would be the beautiful ecstasy of sitting by the immortal fire, feeling its warmth, and looking outside to the bitter cold. This had been the past few Christmases for Luna and her friends, but this would not be their Christmas this year. After a few confused minutes, standing in disbelief at their current situation they began to realise that they all needed to go somewhere. The entire house of Gryfindoor was no more, and were essentially left for dead outside Hogwarts. "Where is there for us now?" asked Harry. He only knew of Hogsmeade outside Hogwarts but that was on the other side of the building and fenced off by the same fence that fenced off Hogwarts. Harry took offence to this. "I don't know, I'm not from these parts, in fact" started Ron who then looked around at the various scared faces of fellow former students, "I don't think any of us are." It seemed as though they were to just stay out in the edges of the forest to die, or to set up their own homes here when Rincewind spoke through his beard "Actually I've seen some other places in the lands around Hogwarts". He had been up in the Hogwarts hills more than anyone else and had glimpsed upon the farther lands that nobody else really knew of, at least none of the students. So Rincewind led the large group up the hill, and they all escaped their miserable lives for a few moments as they watched the bunnies run and jimp in the bushes, the woodpeckers peck their wood, and the frogs sitting about like the lazy lizards they are. Luna could see much more than this though. She could see things that she didn't believe she could see, as she was quite skeptical at heart. Luna could see the souls of many dead animals in this part of the forest, but these were animals that she didn't think she would ever see. She saw tasmanian tigers running about, pyrenean ibex chasing a passenger pigeon that was flying back to its ghostly nest. All these animals were extinct and barely a memory existed of them. Of course, several years after this story is set Wikipedia will be invented and will jog people's memories but that's besides the point. Luna cried a single night black tear that burned in the falling sun. She realised that if they didn't manage to find a way out of this situation that they would all end up extinct and forgotten, much like the golden toad that was currently drinking from a leaf.

Once at the top of the hill the former Gryfindoors all gasped at the sight. There were lands as far as the eye could see. There were seas, and cities, rivers, and a mountain in the perpetual dark of the horizon. This mountain was so high that the sun did not make it over it and all the land underneath the enormous overhang was as black and mysterious as it gets. There was a whole world of possibility lying just out of reach, but it would remain out of reach, as everyone realised to their horror that these lands were all many hundreds of miles away and down a near vertical face. There was a path though, and this would have to be the path that they took, even if it would take them nowhere it was the only choice.

Rinkwind led the way, with Luna at the front of the pack as well. They both felt more secure and comfortable with each other, leading the way as a pair. But they also didn't want to disappoint the other one and didn't want to appear weak, like an almost all milk cup of tea. Their joint confidence set a precedence for the rest of their former house's former residents to feel more secure and proud of themselves. They had overcome so much more in the past, all they had to do was walk. After several miles they had looped around the school and were walking in the opposite direction from where they had started up the hill. Wherever they were going, it was not towards the mountain or any of the places that they had seen. They eventually found a signpost ahead of them. Finally, they could figure out where they were going! Well, those of them who could read that is. "Brill - 2 miles" the sign said, pointing left. This place name rang no bells with the students, not that there were many bells to be rang right now, butt tit was the only choice they had so they continued on until they saw the glimmering lights of Brill in the distance.

The gates of Brill were insignificant compared to Hogwarts, but nice and quaint in their own way. A bit like Harry's biceps compared to Ron's. The hinges were rusted red with rust and must have been over a hundred years old and never replaced. The wood was in much better condition and the markings on it indicated that it had survived many attempts to barge it down. There was an issue with this gate though, it was closed! "Shucks" said Ginny, "I guess we're stranded". "Not so fast" shouted a voice from way behind them. Someone was coming up their behinds, it was Esk! "Esk you old slut, why are you here?" shouted Luna over to her when she was still some distance away. Esk and Luna had such a good friendship that they could call each other stuff like "slut", "dicklips" and "daddy's little disappointment". Esk didn't reply to the question but instead strolled up through the crowd of lost children, up to the gate, gave it a rat a tat tat and a little flap opened up towards the top of it. "Who goes there? Oh Esk! What brings you here?" said a face at the top, in the hole. Presumably the face belonged to a man with a full body, but they couldn't quite tell at this stage. "I'm in a bit of a situation and need a place to stay for a while. I've brought some friends too, we're going to stay at the inn" she said, flirtingly, squeezing her boobs together like a nice pair of big juicy raspberries. The man looked like he was in the mood for fruit juice but was still suspiscious. "There must be a hundred of them! How are you planning on paying for that then?" he said back to Esk. "With this" she said with a wink and pulled a small box out of her pocket and showed the contents to the man. The man's eyes opened wide enough for it to be seen that only one of them was real. He seemed genuinely scared and amazed and after a moment of pause he climbed down from the ladder he must have been on and quickly opened the gates. "Welcome to Brill!" said Esk like a tour guide, except she wasn't asking for money. "We'll be staying over at the inn, so let's go over and get unpacked". This was a sensible idea so they all followed over. Once in the inn Esk walked up to the counter where two short but rugged people stood. "Hey Esk! Fuck me sideways, how many people are there there behind you?1?" the little woman asked. "About 120" said Esk without a chalant to give, "I was looking to rent some rooms for the forseeable future." she said. "And how are you paying for that then? That would cost a fortune!" the dwarvish woman said skeptically. "With this" Esk said as she showed the same box to them. The little woman fell over, but she didn't fall far because she is short, and the little man just trembled and said "okay, okay, that's fine, but there's not enough room!". "It's fine we'll squeeze" said Esk as she started to lead the children, and Rincewind who was a grown man with a beard, up to their rooms. "Here are your rooms then, first comes first served" she chuckled as she pointed them to a long narrow corridor. "There's not enough rooms so it's two to a room BTW" she said. All the younger kids rushed in with their tiny but speedy legs and in a flash it was only the main characters left. It was decided then that Hermione and Ron would go together, Harry and Ginny, Neville and Rincewind, and Esk and Luna. "Ah wait though" said Esk, "I'm not staying here, I've got...other things to see to and somewhere else to stay. I'll explain later" and she flew out of the hall window. "Well that was weird" said Hermione. "Yes" replied everyone else. People started going towards their rooms, which were right at the end of the corridor as the smaller kids had taken the closer rooms. "I hope you're okay with my hideous snoring" said Neville, like a curteous friend. "Oh shit" said Rincedwind, "I'm a really shit sleeper and forgot to pick up my earplugs, I won't be able to sleep and I'll be really shit without sleep!" he said with such drama and such worry. "Don't worry about it" said Luna, "I've got a spare bed in my room, you can stay with me, and that way you can enjoy a peaceful night's sleep and nobody has to sleep with Neville. No offence Neville" she said. "None taken" said Neville as he immediately forgot about the conversation. "Well... if you're sure" said Rincewind and they both went into what would be their new room and started to unpack. The old lady would have to spend the night on the floor.


	27. New Surroundings

**Chapter 26 - New Surroundings**

Rincewind had no idea what to do. What should he do with his hands? Should he make tea or would that be too weird? Even if he wanted to, there was no tea in this room, which was weird because it was a hotel. There was no gideons bible either. The whole room seemed a bit bear and lifeless. But they were both too tired to figure that one out until morning. After sitting down for a minute and taking the weights off his feet, Rincewind felt a rumbly in his tumbly and quickly went to the bathroom which was on a sweet. After a few minutes of trying to stealth shit as best as possible, he brushed his teeth without letting the water run, and left the bathroom, after spraying the room with air freshener. Once he left he saw Luna in her pyjames. These were different than the other ones he had seen her in. These were red and lacy, but still warm and quirky. He then realised that he shouldn't be caught looking at her so he averted his gays immediately. "Oh golly, I'm sorry, should I get a blindfold from reception" he said embarrassedly, like a dog that had a gay haircut. He moved to his bed quickly to hide his growing lavender man-fruit thing and got underneath the covers. "No silly!" said Luna, "it's fine, it's not like I'm naked or anything" and she laughed and went to brush her teet in the bathroom. Her toothbrush was tartan, in fact it was the only tartan toothbrush in the world. While she was practicing good oral hygiene, Rincewind managed to calm his enraged willy and got into his own pyjamas. He normally just wore a pair of sleepy shorts if anything at all, but he decided that he would wear them alongside a t-shirt today, and he picked the quirkiest one he could find, which was one that had a picture of a happy frog on the front with the words "Don't worry, be hoppy!".

Luna left the bathroom and went over to bed and sat up under the covers. The two beds were close together as it was a small room, but separated by a single small bedside table with a lamp and a couple of coasters for the missing teacups. Ideally they would both be going to sleep about now, but the adrenaline and other natural drugs were flowing through their systems at a rate of knots and they were more awake than they ever thought the could be right now. "So" they both said at the same time and giggled like a pair of fucking pansies. "How long do you think we'll be here for?" asked Luna as Rincewind had let her take the chance to talk because he is a properly nice bloke. "I don't know" he started, unknowingly, "We're pretty much stuck here until we have a plan, but I don't even know where to start to work on that right now. I guess we'll get a start on things in the morning but I honestly can't tell what's going to happen." He looked to the window dramatically, "I just know that we need to save Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizerdy from the clutches of evil, destroy the howling in the night, and avenge the late great Albert Dumbledoor!". Rincewind looked at Luna for approval.

Luna looked approvingly back, fulfilling Rincewind, "and we will lead the charge! Tomorrow!" she said. "But anyway, let's have a chat for now, that'd be really swell. We've not really had a chance to chat in a while and I miss our lunchtime chats over baguettes" she continued with a smile. "Alright then, let's ask question to each other, find out more about ourselves" suggested Rincewind, this was an idea that Luna loved and got really into, "Okay," she started "Let's start easy, what are your thoughts on Snape?". "Prick" replied Rincewind. "Draco?", "Weird bleached prick". "Luscious?", "Creepy bleached prick". Then Rincewind took his turn. "Harry?" he started, "Cool but a bit odd" she replied. "Ron?", "Nice but way too muscly". "Hagrid?", "fucking lovely, just a shame people are scared of him because he's fucking huuge". They both agreed on all of this. "So why do people get behind Snap and all of that shit anyway?" asked Rinceinwnd. "I guess it's out of fear and ignorace" replied Luna thoughtfully, "Not everyone can see the humanity in people, they often just see themselves and sometimes the people closest to them as human. But realistically there's more to it than that. People like to think of others as non-human so that they don't have to relate to them. They believe that if someone is different in any way, then they are nothing like them, and this creates a complete void of empathy, a complete lack of regard, and from there the assumptions and the bigotry grows. Eventually they believe that all people not like them are worth nothing, and that they are evil and trying to ruin their lives. Everyone believes that they are the good side. But there is no good or bad side. That's important to remember. As soon as we relegate Snape and his followers to an 'evil' side, we are losing any empathy with him, and losing our ability to believe that Snape is a lot like us, and that the only difference between us and Snape is a few choices and opinions. Without empathy, we can become like Snape in our own way far too easily. So we must remember that Snape is not too far away from us, which is terrifying, but reassuring". This was a very good and thorough answer and it made Rincewind realise that Luna had a very strong and profound understanding of people. "Where did you learn all that from?" he asked. "People tend to lose their hatred when they're dead. They've got less to fight for and end up fighting less." she replied and took a sip out of the carton of tropical fruit juice that she had packed. Rincewind then noticed that she had one. "Hey, I don't suppose you have a spare one for me?" he asked, and she did so he got it to drink. He was initially expecting it to taste weird with it coming just after the toothpaste, but it didn't. It actually tasted really odd and Rincewind got a bit light headed. "What is in that?" he asked as the room spun around him like HE was the sun and HE was the most significant gravitational force for billions of miles, which he wasn't. "Oh yeah" Luna giggled, "it's the medication I have which allows me to have lucid dreams. Wanna join me?" she asked. Rincewind thought this was an opportunity to fuck so he said yes right away but instead she reached out her hand, touched his with her tough tips and they both immediately fell into a very odd sleep.

Rincewind found himself as a bird, a bit smaller than an eagle but larger than a sparrow. He was spooked by this as he had never been a bird before. He was flying somehow although he didn't want to think about it too much in case he lost control of his wings. "Don't worry about the wings" a voice said "they'll control themselves. Rincewind looked up and to his right and saw a yellow bird of a similar size, only this bird was the colour of salad cream." "Luna? Is that you?" he called out in a coo. "Yes, my spirit animal is a yellow-headed finch, and as you are in my dream, so are you" Luna explained "isn't this neat?". Rincewind supposed that it was. And the two of them flew over the trees and the fens and spinneys. "Where is this?" he asked. "Home". Up ahead on the top of the hill was a large towering house that was made out of all sorts of different bricks and wood types. It looked very quirky. As they got nearer to it, Rincewind noticed that there was a small hut outside the house. "What's that?" he asked Luna. He figured that she would know because she used to live here. "That's the workshop. That's where my dad makes his puppets and where my mum died. I've been trying to figure out what happened with her, I was hoping you could help". "How so?" asked Rincewind. "Well, I figured I'd try and take you to the moment when she died. Everything turned into one big black towering object and rose into space and she was never seen again, I have been researching like a motherfucker for the past while but have found no trace of what this could be.". Rincewind was out of his depth but still wanted to give it a shot, for Luna. But once they got there something was amiss. Luna's mum wasn't in the hut, neither was the black tower. "What's going on? Something isn't right with -" and the blonde finch was interrupted by the sound of the house door opening. "Dad?" she said, confused by the whole matter. And X started to walk over to the hut with his wand and his face in a very serious expression. Just as Rincewind moved his wing out of the way he made eye contact with X for the fist time. As soon as he did he felt very faint, as if his entire existence was not real. Something was not right here and a deep guttural part of Ricewind's being knew this, even if he couldn't grasp it. So Rincewind lost consciousness and started to black out, and as he fell towards the ground below, just outside the hut, he felt a jolt and he woke up covered in sweat. Luna was also sweating but not as much. "Holy fuck, what was that?" Rincewind asked from his bed which was not the same as Luna's bed but it was close. "I have honestly got no idea" she replied.

They then chatted for a couple of more hours until it was half past the three in the morning then they decided that they best try and go off to sleep, so they both turned over and tried. But neither of them could, they both wanted to continue the conversation, or to try and discover more about the giant black rectangle, or why Rincewind fell out of the sky when he saw X. They wanted to spend more time with each other, and couldn't sleep due to the thoughts of this. So they both lay awake, a couple of mere feet (they are smaller than standard feet) away from each other, awake for the rest of the night.


	28. A Brill Morning

**Chapter 27 - A Brill Morning**

Neville awoke to the fresh dawn of the new morning. The winter's sun was painfully bright through his window, but he greeted the pain as an old friend and got out of bed with a whistle in his lisp and got dressed. Across the hall Harry and Ginny woke up, they too had had a nice night's sleep. They were on the other side of the corridor and didn't have the sun blaring through their window, so they spent a moment feeling grateful then got up. Next to Neville on the same side of the building as him was Ron and Hermione. They didn't have a great night of sleep due to all of the long lost rumpy pumpy they had gotten up to. Neville hadn't noticed as he slept like a log, except he didn't bridge a small stream, nor had he fallen off a tree in recent memory. "Blimey, my back isn't half sore after all that hot sex" Ron said. "Yeah, I'm that good" replied Hermione, proud of her sexual prowesse. She had a whole bunch of different kinky spells that she knew that helped to fuhrer their sexual acts. They got up groggily and stiffly (not in that way, Ron's weiner was all milked out) and slowly got dressed. Next door to Hary and Ginny was Rincewind and Luna and they got up feeling very tired. They had not had a wild night of passionate love making like Ron and Herniome, but they had a long night regardless. "Ugh, is it morning alread?" asked Ringewind. "Yeah, I'm afraid it is" Luna yawned back at him. "So what's the plan then?" he asked back, hoping that she would just suggest they go back to bed and try and catch up on the lost sleep from the night before. But she did not, instead she suggested that they get up, have breakfast and work out how to fix all of their problems and survive. It was the boring but responsible thing to do, so Rincewind sighed like a petulant child, despite being a grown man with a beard, and got up.

Once they were downstairs they all sat down to breakfast which was not the usual feast that they were used to from Hogwarts, instead it was a small and meager selection of porridges and a few rolls and exotic butters. Rincewind and Luna were the last to arrive for breakfast. Her short legs slowed her progress when she was walking, but at a run she could keep up with the best of them. "Morning" they all said to Rincewind and Luna who grunted back a reply. The other tables in the hotel were all taken up with the other Gryfindoor kids who were parched and in need of refreshment. The old scraggy woman who owned the place was helped up by Neville after a long night on the floor and was soon rushed off her old scraggy feet as she ran about trying to refill all the food and drink. She knew it was worth it though, as she knew the price that Esk was willing to pay. There was one man in the room whose presence hadn't been accounted for. Harry noticed him immediately, the PTSD he suffered from after dying and all of the other shit Voldemort had done to him left him keenly aware of his surroundings. "What do you suppose is his deal?" he asked to the group, who then turned around subtly and noticed the man. He was a hooded stranger who kept his hood up despite being indoors on a sunny day. He wasn't like a dementor or a goth though, he looked like trouble, like he was a spy for Snape perhaps, or something else. Ron and Ginny suggested that they leave him alone and let him go on his way and the group tried that. But after half an hour he was still sat there, still nursing that same cup of tea that had gone cold yonks ago. Maybe he was the sort of freak that liked to drink cold tea, but if he was, then he was nobody they wished to know. The younger kids had all left the hall, they were to find something to do, like throw a ball about or hit each other with sticks, or any of the other things that were natural given the folly of youth. They were left alone with the man, just the group of star characters and the hooded stranger. The scraggy woman was taking a well deserved shit and reading the paper. "I understand you are from Hogwarts" he said, still staring forward into the void, hiding his face. "Yes" replied Luna, "and you?". "Where I am from is none of your business. I think you people should be leaving soon. There are people in these parts who are angered at your presence, particularly with your friend Esk. By the way, where is she?". The group looked about, nobody had seen her since she had randomly fucked off and opened up Luna's room for Rincewind the night before. "I don't know, she just left." Harry said. The man laughed as though he didn't believe them. "Well, if she is gone then I don't think people around here will keep you housed and fed for too much longer then." and he took one last gulp of his tea and turned to exit.

The group were shaken by this. Their cups of tea and coffee began to spill, they didn't know what to do or where to go. The old scraggy woman came back, limping from her gargantuan bowel movement. "Excuse me scraggy woman, that hooded man, who the devil was he?" asked Neville, trying to act brave. "If you don't know him, you don't want to know him" replied the woman back in a way which really didn't answer the question in any meaningful way. She then walked away in a very floaty manner as if she had no legs, but she did and it was really awkward. "Aaaaaanyway" said Hermione "howabout we have a look about town, see if we can find Esk or anything". This was a good idea so people all agreed on it, got up, and walked out of the hotel and into the town, which was actually a village, of Brill. Once outside they were greeted with the sound of music, crumhorns and hurdy gurdies could be heard coming from the building that they assumed to be the church. There was a faint odour of fish that was largely masked by that of freshly baked bread. The group walked out and into the open market in the middle of the village. Stalls were opened and people were at them, selling from them

.

"Potatoes! Get your potatoes here!" one rough looking dude shouting from behind his stall. This caught Luna's attention, she loved potatoes as she was Irish. "Oooft! I could go a mashed spud right now!" she said, but Rinciwend just shook his head to say that they had more important things to be doing right now and they walked on. This village looked very similar to the one that was near Luna's home farm, it was there that she met Esk all those many years ago. Luna was worried about her friend, she hadn't quite seemed herself since she went missing and now she had this mysterious box that she wouldn't tell anyone about, and she had a reputation in Brill of all places. The stalls became thinner and thinner as they made their way through the market, the ones at the end selling carpet and wonderfully whittled wood were woefully unpopular. At the end of the street at the end of the market was a pub, they all knew about Esk's drinking habits so they went in there to see if she could be found there. Once inside, Rincewind's luggage seemed to be tense, the veneer started to stand up like feckles along its back. The air was smoky and damp, a random football match was on the telly, but nobody could see the telly due to all the smoke, but the punters cheered the players on irregardlessly. "Go on you lazy good for nothing bastard!" one shouted. If this was how they shouted at their own players you could only imagine how they treated their enemies. "Excuse me" said Neville in a painfully weak squeek to the barman. The burly son of a bitch stopped wiping his glass and turned around, looking down to Neville who was considerably shorter than he. "Yup" he said. Neville gulped. "I was wondering if you know a woman called Esk, she's kinda a fully grown woman and kinds like a child" explained Neville. The man's blood pressure rose considerably, if his doctor was there then he would have scolded the barman for this. "What?" he shouted at Neville and his spit was spat across the counter. "Oi mate, no need to be so fucking rude! He just wanted to know if some cunt in here knows someone called Esk!" shouted Ron, who had grown in height and girth due to the outrage that he felt inside at how rudely his friend was being treated. "I'm sorry friend" said a quieter man at the bar, "Big Al here knows not how he talks. He has never left the village and knows not the ways of the civilised world. I know of this friend "Esk" who you speak of, but she is most definetely not here, for she was banned from this establishment many moons ago. She now frequents 'The Grizzled Goose' down the road". "Thankyou" said Harry, "for what reason did she receive a ban?". "The less is said the better to be honest." and the little quiet man evaporated into the air, and the group were left in the pub with all of the very ill-mannered people. "Fuck this noise" said Hermoony, "Let's go to the Grizzled Goose!".


	29. The Grizzled Goose

**Chapter 28 - The Grizzled Goose**

As they walked up to the stony red building they were braced for the wrost. So far they had experienced Brill to be a nasty place where the basic rules of etiquette did not apply. The whole village, other than the market, seemed ghastly. But upon entering The Grizzled Goose they were greeted by the smell of freshly brewed tea and biscuits, and the sounds of laughter from the billiards table, where jolly old men and women laughed as they hit their balls. Everything seemed...nice. "This seems cool" said Neville in naive way, but it did seem cool. The whole place reminded them a bit of the Gryfindoor common room, but only not quite as extravagant. Luna didn't seem as impressed. The draw of luxury didn't apply itself to her, for she was just too quirky, that and due to the historically poor economic state of Ireland, she couldn't even appreciate any of the trinkets anyway. "We need to find Esk and get back on with our mission" she reminded people sternly. "But what is our mission anyway?" said Ginny as she partook in a chocolate hobnob, "There's pretty much fuck all we can do. Dumblesoor's dead, Gryfindoor is confined to the back pages of the history textbooks, and we've got ages to go before we can go home at the end of the school year." She seemed to be right, it all seemed like a lost cause, but then Luna interrupted the group's pessimism, "No, we still have not got justice for Dumbledoor, or for the Gryfindoors, and we still don't know what's causing the howling in the night and killing everyone. We can't just run away now! Well technically we could but that would be a dick move, we need to stick together, and we need to find Esk. She'll-" and then Luna was interrupted by a voice. "Sorry, did you say Esk?" said the voice. The voice belonged to a plump woman who was wearing a red and white checked baking apron and a chefs hat. She seemed like the most jolly person in the world, apart from Santa Clause because NOBODY is more jolly than he is! "Yes, do you know her?" said Hermione. "Oh yes, she is a great friend of mine, in fact she's just nipped out on an errand for me. I'll let her know you're here, won't you stay for a while, I've just finished baking some of my famous bread!" said the podgy woman. The whole group adored bread and they felt that they could trust her, so they all went either "yeah" or "woohoo, depending on their personalities" and went to sit down. "Oh no" said tubby, "I can't have friends of Esk sitting here, I've got a private room for you round the back, it's much nicer round there". And so the group followed her into the back room. Once inside they were even more impressed than they were before. There were loads of bean bag chairs, games consoles, and an open bar. "Fuck yeah" shouted Ron and Harry at the same time, they both planned on getting utterly shitfaced, but they figured they'd wait until later. After the woman left the group all sat down enjoying the surroundings, all apart from Luna.

Luna watched in very mild horror and bemusement as her friends all let their guard down for the simple pleasures of beanbags. "What are you guys all doing? Are you out of your minds?!" she said in bewilderment. The rest of the group all stopped what they were doing and looked over to her like she was weird, but she was only quirky and Irish. "We are here on quite a clear mission, do you now think it's somewhat suspiscious that we're being treated so damn nicely. The hooded guy from earlier at breakfast made it seem like Esk has a lot of enemies in this town that's actually a village, and these people here just treat us like fucking royalty!" she barked. The harsh light of the situation seemed to hit the group, they realised that they didn't actually know any reason as to why they would be treated like this, but they had more manners than to seem ungrateful. First they waited and baited their breaths. After half an hour they noticed that nobody had arrived in the room. After a further hour they were still alone in the room. Something seemed very oof. "Where did she say she was away to?" asked Hermione? "She didn't" reminded Harry. As the evening was falling, they were all starting to need to pee and to eat. "This is ridiculous" said Neville, who then got up out of his bean bag and went over to the door and tried to open it, but when he tried, he found that he failed. This wasn't due to his measly lack of upper body strength, or any lacking of will, but the door was locked! "I'll try" said Ron as he started to puff his body up in a big ball of muscle, but even buff Ron couldn't and Captain Arr walked back to his bean bag bemused and defeated. "We're doomed!" yelled Harry in his typical dramatic fashion, the rest of the group were well accustomed to this and didn't notice how OTT he was being. Just then a big crashing wallop was heard, it was the window smashing into a thousand thousand shards of glass. Then Esk flew up to it and flew into the room. "Guys WTF! This isn't safe, you all need to stay back at the inn, Brill does not think much of you and will try and kill you". Just after she finished saying this the door was heard opening. "Leaving so soon?" said a voice. It was the plump woman from before, except this time she was wearing battle armour and welding an axe. "Fucking leggit!" shouted Esk, "I'll keep her at bay!". So the group all jumped out the window and used their magic to hover down to the ground with much grace. Once they landed they started to run, but they noticed many of the other townsfolk were also wielding instruments of war. Quickly Harry had a thought and shouted "follow me" and took the lead. He led them into a narrow alleyway that had no exit at the end. "We're doomed now, good job!" said Ron being a sarky cunt. But he didn't realise the genius of Harry's plan. Harry then brought out a big duvet, it turned out that due to Molly Weasley being a genius at quilting, she had converted his invisibility cloak into an invisibilty duvet. "Suck it!" Harry shouted as he smugly put his duvet over everyone and they were suddenly invisible at the end of the alleyway, hidden next to the skip at the end. As the angry mob rounded the corner they expected to see the group and their bloodlust was strong. But the group was not there, only a skip and a wall. How could this have been possible. The angry mob scratched their heads for a few minutes and then just went back to their everyday lives. "That was close" said Luna who had a keen sense for danger, and group slowly slowly made their way back to the inn, covered in the duvet of darkness, and got back into the corridoor where they were living temporarily. Once back there they had a discussion about what to do now. "What do we do now?" asked Ron, keen to fight some fucker. "Not much, we should wait until Esk returns, she'll know what to do" said Luna, who had great trust in her friend. The rest of the team seemed very suspecious but they went along with it for the time being.

That night Luna and Rincewind were having another lovely chat about things, enjoying their own company, when Luna brought up the dreamsharing from the night before. Rincewind seemed a bit apprehensive, like a dog that had gotten used to its master merely pretending to throw the ball, but actually keeping the ball behind the back and not throwing it at all. "Are you suggesting we try again?" the bearded man asked. "I think it's of vital importance." said Luna with a great deal of seriousness, "I haven't told you yet, but when I first had this dream I saw the same black rectangle from McGonnigle's blob, but it was there as my mother disappeared I heard the same howling that has been affecting Hogwarts. I feel that there is something more serious going on here. Something big is coming, and Hogwarts and the rest of the world isn't ready, and I worry what will happen if we can't figure this out. Please Rincewind!" Luna pleaded, and her big whole milk bottletop eyes penetrated right into Rincewind's being. "Okay" he said and he reached out, touched her tips with his and they both fell into sleep.


	30. Scenes From A Memory

**Chapter 29 - Scenes From A Memory**

As they flew above the trees, Rincewind spent a few moments escaping the difficulty of the past few months. He forgot about the howling, being kicked out of school, the election, and even Luna and Neville and just took in the sights. He was higher than he had ever been and he felt that no man had ever seen the sights that he could see. Rincewind was obviously unfamiliar with many forms of air travel, but this was not his fault. He looked around and couldn't see any buildings for a minute. He was briefly in paradise, away from the oppression of capitalist urbanity. This felt good. He could breathe smooth air and not feel polluted. He noted that the soundscape that he experienced felt both pleasant and relaxed. As he looks upwards he saw Luna flying more confidently than him, he did not begrudge her this though, as she had been flying for a longer time. "Here we go again" said bird Rincewind. "What was that?" replied bird Luna, having touble hearing him. "Nothing, just talking to myself" he replied. As they neared the house he saw the same sights that he saw the first time, except this time he could notice finer details. He noticed a blonde child walking down the path to the river holding a wooden puppet, and once he arrived at the house he noticed that there were many puppets inside the small hut outside. Before he could ask Luna about this potential correlation, he felt a disturbance in him, like he was going to shit but was constipated, and he saw X walk closer and he fell out of the sky again and woke up.

"Why does this keep happening?" said Luna with tremendous frustration as she woke up as well. Ribwich was panting for air after seeing the earth hurtle towards him like a salmon at an grizzly bear. "I have no idea, I just can't see your dad without passing out or dying like that." He was about to ask her about him as well but couldn't continue talking as he needed to breathe. After taking a breath he say "what does he even do anyway? All this time I don't think I've ever asked." "My father…" started Lanu as she turned around to face the wall, "he does many things. Some of which I am proud of, some of which…" she continuted before her silence interrupted her. "What does he do?" asked Rincewind, seeking to delve deep into her mind. "He makes puppets, but, he used to do a lot of hardcore drugs as well, and he sold them. But he was caught as a drug dealer and vowed from that day to only make puppets and sell them to society until he feels that he has repaid his debts." confessed Luna. This was a big confession and warranted a small gasp from Rincewind. "Can you think of any connection he could have with everything?" asked Rincewind as he wiped a tear away from her. "Not at all, it all just seems so random, and not in a good way." replied Luna, and after a small cry was over they got their minds off of things and chatted for a bit before going to sleep.

The next few days were reasonably dull. Breakfasts were plentiful and the poor scraggy woman who worked at breakfast was worked off her feet. The hooded stranger did not show his face again. He barely showed it the first time, but this time he wasn't there to show it or not. The younger kids would spend their days fannying around as children do, and the core group of people would just chill with each other in the inn before retiring to their rooms at nights. Each night Neville would continue reading his novels, Harry and Ginny would chill back and watch Paula Deen eat shitloads of butter on TV, Hermione and Ron would explore their many kinks, and Rincewind and Luna would try to get to the bottom of Luna's dreams. Every time it was slightly different, slight variance, but every time ended with the same exact ending, with Rincewind glimpsing X and falling from the sky. After four days and three nights they were both sitting down in their room enjoying some tea, ready to chill back for the night. "Do you think he can see us?" asked Luna out the blue. "Nah, we're just dreaming, it's a memory, nothing else." replied Rincewind dismissively. "It's just, I noticed that the child version of me is looking up into the sky sometimes, and I do have these memories of lots of birds after mother died. I just assumed that they were scavenger birds seeking to feast on my mother's corpse, but as there was no corpse they were confused and kept returning" said Luna darkly. This all still seemed too farfetched, it was weird enough to think that they could share a dream, but sharing a dream that's actually transtemporal? Proposteous! At least that's what Rincewind thought, and he gulped the last of his tea and said enthusiastically, "Let's do this shit then!" and they touched tips and fell asleep.

They were both flying above the trees outside the Lovegood's small holding yet again. Rincewind knew the way by now and wasn't having to wait for Luna to give directions. He was also quite a capable flyer as a bird and would often perform various tricks to try and impress Luna. But Luna wasn't one to be one-upped, and she in turn two-upped every stunt of his. They were having a great laughing chirp session together as they were flying over to the house. Once the house was in sight they looked across to the old wooden hut yet again. But this time, as soon as it was in eyeshot, an earcrackling howling was heard, as if time itself was ripping apart and the universe was screaming, and a giant black rectangle, like Luna's blob, lifted up, floating through the roof, and shot up into space. "Holy fuck!" said Rincewind, "it is real!". "I know" said Luna, "and apparently, it's my greatest desire." They flew over cautiously to the window to see if there was any trace of anyone or anything inside. But the only sign that Luna's mum had been there was the set of keys that she used that were hanging from the door. Inside, on the table where Luna's novel had been sitting was nothing, no trace of the catasstrophy that had ensued, only the regular workshop items and a single wooden puppet. "Pandy!" shouted a strong Irish voice from the door. Pandy was Luna's mum's nickname as she was a great fan of Andy Pandy all throughout her life as she was also quirky. It was X shouting this as he came bursting out of the door. Again, as soon as Rincewind looked at X he felt faint and fell from the sky. "Oh for fuck sake!" shouted Luna as she woked, "we were so close to having it!". Rincewind didn't reply. "Rincy?" she enquired. But there was still no answer as he was well and truly still asleep.

Rincewind's bird lay paralysed on the ground outside the front door, but Rincewind was awake. X ran over to the hut, narrowly avoiding stepping on Rincewind's sparrow body. Rincewind couldn't see him once he entered the house but he heard the sobbing. "Who the fuck did this? What happened? That fucking book!" he shouted. "Daddy, what's going on?" shouted a childish voice from downhill. It was Luna as a child running up the hill. "The book…"whispered X to himself as Luna came running into the house. "Where's mum?" she asked innocently, "The book…" repeated X who then turned round to face Luna with anger, confusion, sorrow and every other imaginable emotion for this context in his face. At least that's what Rincewind assumed he showed in his face as he couldn't see it, and he didn't have Ron's hearing abilities which were like seeing. "This is you're fucking fault, and that book!" he screamed as he snatched the puppet from Luna's arms. "Go to your room" he cried as he burst into tears, Luna's tears shortly followed and as Rincewind lay on the path, unable to move, he saw a small girl with salad cream hair run sobbing into the house. And then he woke up.


	31. Time To Leave

**Chapter 30 - Time to Leave**

Rincewind looked around himself after he sat up right after waking up at the end of the previous page. "You're alive! Thank Heavens!" said Luna in delight, but not too loudly as to not disturb Neville's nighttime reading, "what happened?". "I was paralysed, and I saw you, and your dad scolded you and told you it was your fault and you ran off crying." explain Rincewind, trying to catch his breath. Luna stopped trying to have a conversation and just sat back. "He...did say that didn't he. How could he? How could this be my fault?" she said as her soul was slowly being torn by the memories of the guilt that her father had encumbered her with for all these years. "I have no idea what happened to her, or why he thought it was my fault." she explained after calming herself down with a few sips from a glass of water. Luna was fully aware of the importance of hydration. "He apologised for it afterwords and begged me to forgive him. I told him I forgave him but-" said Luna before being interrupted by her friend, "you didn't?" he said. "Exactly" she replied with a glimpse of pain in her eyes. The black rectangle still lay a mystery, but at least now there were two people that had experienced the awesome splendour of it in person, if only in a dream. After a brief chat to get their minds off of it they both went back to sleep and into their own dreams and slept through the rest of the night.

The next morning went as usual. The breakfast lady had given up on life at this stage and seemed utterly defeated as she refilled everyone's plates and cups. Everyone seemed to be going through the motions which made the main group, especially Neville, really angry. "This isn't our life now" he said as he poked a hole through his toast by leaning too hard on the butter knife, "we are students of Hogwarts, Gryfundoor is a house, no matter what anyone says, and we will find a way back" he said proudly and bravely. But like many of Neville's speeches, there was no real grounding to it. They were no longer students of Hogwarts, Gryfundoor was never a house, and right now they had no idea how to get back at all, at least not without Esk. Speak of the devil though, Esk walked through the door, opening it and letting it close back over in the process. "Right chaps, after grub we best be moving, Brill is no longer safe." she said to the group. "How do you know?" Hermione asked, giving logic and reason a say in the conversation. "I just know" she said, being all vague and mysterious. The group didn't seem to trust her, but she had been a saviour in disguise so far so they followed her instructions and after breakfast they gathered the younglings and all left Brill. Once outside the village gates, Esk made a trip back in to "pay" the people who put up with all the kids for so long, and then they were on their way. Brill's lighting, heating, and gritting systems, combined with the ward over the sky, had hidden the snowfall from sight of the former Gryfindoors whilst in Brill. Once outside they could see the harsh weather in its unbridled glory and terror. Snow had fallen hard around the area, the path was barely visible, the trees were completely barren, the sky was either white or black depening on the time of day, and the temperatures were constantly below freezing.

"I guess this is the path we must take" said Harry as he turned around to see the disgruntled faces of the other students. "Why can't we just turn around and go back?" asked Peshwari from the crowd. The group was restless and the last thing that they needed at this stage was unncessceray division amongst themselves. Harry and Ron tried to summon up the sort of team spirit that got them through the mudblood holocaust of the past, but they simply did not have the energy or charisma to do this. The chatter and general hubbub of the crowd was growing into anger and dissent and the whole team was on the verge of collapse when a bright light cast itself over the whole group. They all stopped arguing amongst themselves and looked up into the sky. About twenty golden stars were flying down towards them, and as they neared, the stars appeared to have glowing tails of fire. The townspeople who actually lived in a village were firing arrows of fire towards them. "Run for your lives!" shouted Ginny as everyone started to run and scream. Arrows landed all across the ground where they were stood for a few seconds. Most people managed to dodge any attacks, but not all were so lucky. Lavender Brown took a direct hit to the chest and was killed immediately. Seamus also took a direct hit but it got him in the hop. "Arrrghh" he shouted as he fell to the ground, "I've been fucking hit by some some potato-lacking fucknugget!". Luna turned as she heard his voice and tried to run towards him. "No, you can't save him, we must save ourselves" said Harry, trying to keep as many people as he could alive. "I can't! He's my only other countryman here, without him my nation would be sorely underrepresented, and he's pretty good banter" cried Luna in nationalistic agony. A final barrage of arrows came in and closed in on the group, this was surely the end for Seamus. He had drank his final guinness, caught his final leprechaun and was destined for the great spud in the sky, when he felt himself engorged into a darkness. But this was not a painful darkness, nor was it the sweet release of death. This was a darkness that seemed to be moving, although the stride length at which it was moving was horrendously slow. The group took a second in amazement as they saw The Luggage run, missing all of the falling arrows like Neo in the Matrix, and off into the distance to safety. After a few more seconds of running, they were clear of the firing range of the villagers and into the safety of the wilderness. They all stopped and took many gulpes of air as they were all alive, apart from Lavender, but she was very weird and most people forgot about her anyway so it wasn't the biggest loss ever let's be fair.

"Okay, so we're here now, but we're fucked in the long run. We're stranded with nowhere to go and night will be falling soon and there's wolves and shit" said Ron as he let his inner ginger pessimism get to him. The Luggage spat out Seamus like he was an unexpected pickle from an otherwise pickle-free burger. "And Seamus is fucking hurt" continued Ron. Seamus was glad to be alive but he couldn't move his legs at all. He wanted to tell people, but he knew that it would make no difference now as they were all going to die. The emotional response to the whole situation got to him and he passed out. "Not so fast now" said Esk from besides a tree, "I've arranged for something in a situation like this." she said and she whistled loudly by putting her finger in her mouth. A few awkawrd seconds after this they all felt the ground rumble strongly and heard a roar from over the hill.


	32. Esk's Plan

**Chapter 31 - Esk's Plan**

The student's all looked in horror to the edge of the hill, and to Esk who seemed disproportionately happy considering the strength of the rumble. From the edge of the hill soared a humongous dragon with spines all across its wings and two giant horns on its head. It landed by the students and reached its head up into the air and with a mighty roar it blew a fireball wayyy off into the sky. Then it looked down at the students with a glare as if it was just about to shoot them down as well. But it didn't. It just stood still, staring at people without doing anything else. "This" started Esk "is Norberta. Hagrid raised her for a bit while she was a baby dragon, but now she's fully grown and is loyal to any friends of Hagrids". Esk then petted her on one of her feet and threw up a chicken at her which she ate in one single bite. It turned out that Norberta was actually really quite friendly and that the glare was just due to the dragon equivalent of bitchy resting face. One by one the students all came over and gave Norberta a stroke, she seemed to like it and seemed almost ticklish when they tickled her feet. This was the friendliest dragon that anyone had seen, although it was also the first dragon that many of them had seen. "Why did you summon her?" asked Hermione. "She can carry us somewhere safe to stay in the meantime until we come up with a plan to fix Hogwarts and to get to the butt of everything" replied Esk, getting right down to business. As she instructed, the homeless children and Rincewind, who was actually a grown-ass man with a beard, all climbed on top of Norberta and she took off into the sky and soared away from Brill. Looking down, Rincewind could see the village, it all seemed so small, and a bit further away was Hogwarts which looked even smaller, but there was a dark cloud that hung around it, like a really uncool kid around a group of cool kids (AN: I'm a cool kid and hate when dorks think they can talk to me at school). After a few minutes had passed they were far beyond Brill and Hogwarts, they were several hundred times further away than the distance between Brill and Hogwarts which had felt like an epic trek at the time. Next they were flying over water, they could see glorious orcas and manatees, which are actually cows of the sea unlike cods like the giants thought. They saw these majestic aquatic animals jump around and splash with gay abandon. They couldn't watch this for too long though, as before they knew it they were over land again. This time the land was snowy, but the people seemed more suited to it, like eskimos, but Scandinavian. There were people walking about with fur outfits, armour, and thick dresses. But Norberta flew further on and into a small valley, hidden from site. Once she landed there, everyone got off feeling a bit quesy, they hadn't flown on a dragon before. Esk led the way and even she seemed a bit unsettled, but she carried herself with more decorum than some of the other students who barfed their shit up out of their mouths, all over the ground. Mr Filch and his stupid cat were nowhere to be seen and this vomit would go uncleaned for all eternity. Once they were all off of the dragon Esk leaned towards Norberta's ear and whispered something, then the dragon rose up into the air again and flew off into the infinite sky. "Why did you send it away?" asked Captain Arr. "People here aren't too friendly to dragons, they have an interesting history with them let's just say" replied Esk mysteriously, and then she led them on a walk.

There were mountains and hills all around them, and a crude path led the way. To the south was the largest of the mountains, a behemoth of a slope, the mother of all hills, the most godlike undulation known to man. The group tried to take in its glory but it was all too much, and they had to keep walking on westward. Slowly civilisation seemed to come into view in the distance. A grand looking city, guarded with giant walls could be seen. Esk explained that it was too risky to go there, that there were spies even out here and they had to lie low. It appeared that Snape was just the Hogwarts figurehead for something much bigger, but the scale of this was apparently something that only Esk knew. Once they reached a path they started travelling south, away from the city and back into the more rural areas. They saw a couple of farms on the way with fields of wheat and strawberries and other tasty things in them. They continued on. Up ahead was a glorious stone bridge over an amazing river with some glorious ducksu swimming about in the water. There was one issue though, there was someone standing in the way of the bridge. As they neared closer, they noticed that this man was in full battle armour and had a sword. "Who are you?" he asked with a strong nordic voice. "I am Yolanda, a teacher, I'm here with a school trip" explained Esk, taking the lead and lying to the man. "What school are you from?" he replied. "Oh, some one in Wales, I couldn't even spell it to be honest, you wouldn't know it" she said back in a blatent porky pie. The man looked over the group and noticed that they were all mostly children or teenagers, apart from Rincewind who was a grown man with a beard. "Who are you then?" he asked Rincewind, who was surpirsed to be asked. "Oh me! I'm...Billy Bob Hossack. I'm another teacher. We need two of us for a class this size" he said in improvisation. "Okay then" said the man as he stepped aside to let them pass, "but no lollygagging!". And the group continued to walk past him and did not gag a single lolly on the way.

As they stood on the bridge they did lollygag for a few seconds, angering the guard. They looked yonder to the hills and saw some of the most pecular characters. There were a group of giants and some mammoths, they all seemed to be minding their own businesses and just generally chilling like the big Gs they are. They decided to not hang about too much longer as the guard's eyebrows were alarmingly high up his face in disgust, and they continued on. After a while of trekking and general adventure they found themselves in another small village, but this one seemed much less oppressive. There was a small sawmill, a local shop, a pub, an inn, and some houses and general village stuff. They all went once more into the local inn and settled their stuff down. As Esk was now able to stay, she shared a room with Luna which left Rincewind as the unlucky sod left sleeping with Neville and his snoring nostrils. "How long do you think we'll keep up at this?" asked Rincewind, a bit bored of travelling about so much. "I don't know, but now that we're more settled down and Esk has finished doing whatever she was doing we should be able to get a plan back on", he replied optimistically. Meanwhile next door Luna and Esk were settling down to go to bed and chatting away when suddenly Luna paused mid-sentence and looked really fucking surprised. "Oh shit! All of this bullshit with Hogwarts and all that must have scuppered your birthday plans for me!" she said with surprise and sadness. "Oh...no I still have something for that" said Esk who sounded like she had actually forgotten about the birthday plans. "But it's in two days" said Luna, reminding her friend although her friend should have already known, even though Flitwick wasn't about to remind people. "I know that, I've got something planned for it, don't worry" said Esk, who then got suddenly tired and went to sleep. Luna followed her to sleep, but in a totally different dream.


	33. The Plan Thickens Deep

**Chapter 32 - The Plan Thickens Deep**

Once Luna was asleep and Esk was pretty sure of this she slowly got up. She first went to check if Luna was truly asleep and all the signs pointed to her being in dreamy land. Her glass of tropical fruit juice was finished, her nostrils flaring in gentle snore, and her feet moving slowly as if she was chasing rabbits. Esk then took this chance to get up to her stuff that she was planning and she creped out of the room and left Luna sleeping alone. Once outside the room she starting to creep down the hallway, towards the entrance lobby of the inn. Her feet made no sounds and they did not give away the secret of her presence. She practically floated down the corridor. She really actually shoud've just floated as she could float and it would have made this easier, but logic and reasoning was Hermione's forty, and not Esk's. As she neared the main public lobby she could feel a small draft of fresh cold air hit her, she was almost outside and free to do as she wished without people knowing, but before she could get outside she heard a voice. "So, a certain Ravenclaw who doth temporarily reside with the former Gryfindoors, is currently venturing forth for what you might call 'a wander' in your vernacular. Explain yourself! Wherefore art thou travelling to?" said the voice. It was Percy. "I'm just nipping out to get some fresh air and to go for a walk." she said back. "Not satisfactory" he said back with a smug grin that you just wanted to punch but you couldn't because your mum says your not allowed to hit anyone anymore. "Okay then I guess I'll just be going back." she started, "it's really annoying though with the smell of all the drugs that some of the younger kids are doing coming along the hallway though" she finished with a grin. "Wait what? I will not allow the use of carcinogens and hallucinogens within these halls while I still pretend to be prefect. Out of my way peasant, there's prefecting to do!" he said as he stormed off to stop whatever drug doing there was. What he didn't realise though was that it was all made up by Esk so she could nip out and away. Once outside she took a deep breath to celebrate temporarily that she was outside when she heard another voice. "What brings you out here then?" said this other voice. This voice sounded considerably less twatty and much more like a solid friend's voice. It was Neville. "Oh I'm just...planning Luna's birthday party, I've only got a couple of days" Esk said quietly, not making eye contract. "OMG Me too! I never forget my friend's birthdays and always make them feel special!" said Neville, feeling really happy that he had some help on fixing up Luna's bidet party. "Well then, let's get on it I suppose, what have you got planned?" said Esk, to which Neville started replying with all the things that he had planned. He explained that he was thinking of throwing a party somewhere, with balloons, a DJ and other light entertainment. But Esk knew a bit better and improved on the idea by suggesting that they were to host it at the local tavern and have real alcohol and not that fake shit. Neville seemed down with this despite him being aligned lawful good. So it was decided that Neville's job would be to get most of the party stuff setup whilst Esk did the dodgy job of getting fake IDs made up for all of the people who were coming. "I'm going to get a head start on this" said Esk, "you go and get some beautiful sleep, I'll see you in the morning". So Neville did as he was told and went to bed leaving Esk to get on with the plan in the hours of darkness, which were until about 9:30 in the morning, but she didn't stay out that late because she's not totally mad.

The next morning the group all went down for breakfast. Esk seemed pretty damn tired and explained that she didn't sleep all that well as she had a bad back and that this inn didn't have a memory foam mattress. Bad backs were really common for older people, but Esk was a bit of an old soul and her spinal deterioration was already quite significant. "What sort of breakfast is this?" asked Ron, who was thoroughly bemused with his porridge. Ron had been having a steady diet that was high in protein and would normally have a healthy portion of eggs for breakfast, but there were no eggs to be found here, no croissants, no bacon, no pancakes, pain au chocolats, teacakes, crumpets, scones, butteries, cereals, fruit juices, fruit segments, sausages, potato scones, hash browns, beans, haggis, black pudding, fruit pudding, little jars of jam, butter, or even the humble slice of bread that could be toasted in the rotary toaster that was also not here. Nothing to eat, but porridge. This was their life now. The luxuries of Hogwarts or even Brill were but a distance memory of another chapter. The group all slumped down and got on with eating their breakfasts. Harry was slightly more jovial than the rest as he found the menial task of ingesting calories frightfully boresome. "So what's the plan then? How are we getting revenge on Snape?" he said, prompting the start of a group conversation. "Time to be honest with you all then." said Esk tiredly, "I've been spending the past few months tracking someone at Hogwarts. There is a considerable underground movement to abduct certain humans with certain genetic traits and use them for something, I'm not entirely sure. I've heard stories that they were looking to infiltrate Hogwarts in some way and enlist the students and get them to use their magic and with this magic power harnessed they can do whatever it is they're doing to these people faster and more efficiently." she said with great seriousness. "What do you suppose they're doing?" asked Neville. "I don't know, but I know that once they've been taken away they don't come back." said Esk, "all I've heard is this" and she pulled out a small iPod shuffle, the first generation kind that was only 512mb and really cute. It had several pairs of earphones all connected to it so that everyone could hear it. The group all put their ears to the earphones and listened. They heard nothing but an eerie silence, but this was just because Esk hadn't pressed the play button yet. Once she did press the play button they heard a terrifying sound. There was a lot of static noise and the voice sounded very muffled but they heard clear words from a male American voice, "what? Oh my g… It's hollow! It's hollow! It's…" and then he faded away into the static. They all put their earphones down on the table and were shocked. "How did you get this?" Hermione asked. "I have a friend outside the school who can access their communications network, this was a private transmission" she said as she took a painful slurp of her porridge. "So how do we take him down now then?" asked Neville, "this sort of thing is clearly against the rules of both man and god, but there is no chance that we would be able to get Snape into a courtroom alive, or at least without us all being killed in the process" he continued. The group all looked a bit confused at Neville. They understood the general message, but the last bit didn't really make sense. They all just snapped back to the conversation and Luna gave Neville a pat on the back for trying. "We can't currently do much, but there is someone who can help us. Someone who can get us into Hogwarts with the weaponry and support needed to take Snape out" continued Esk, trying not to linger on the awkward silence. "You don't mean kill him" said Harry, showing great human compassion, almost comparable to his slightly dim friend. "I mean we do what we can to keep everyone alive and well, that's what I mean" said Esk as she suddenly stopped eating her grey gloop, "but for the next few days until they arrive we just have to lay low" and it was decided that they were going to do just that. They were all to get jobs that could last them a short period of time until it was time to strike. Ron was to work at the sawmill with Neville who could stand to gain some mussel, Harry and Ginny were to work the bar and kitchen which was dodgy as Harry would drink a lot and Ginny would eat, Hermione would run the gift shop with Esk which was nice as they were both cool, and Luna and Rincewind would be in charge of the stables. Secretly at nights though, Neville and Esk would meetup and plan the surprise party.


	34. Luna's Birthday Day

**Chapter 33 - Luna's Birthday Day**

The plan was in action, everyone would get on with their regular activities and nobody would suspect a thing. Captain Arr and Neville finished their porridge and went out to the lumber mill. Neville's biceps were burning due to the constant strain but he knew that the sick gains that were possible were well worth it so he continued on without complaining. They had a nice relaxing day of getting massive logs of wood the size of trees down to usable wood planks and other pieces. They had been shown the techniques before by Faendal who was their boss here. He was the master of the wood and could do things with wood that you would not believe. He now sat back and enjoyed a nice cup of green tea as he watched the two boys cut the logs down. He would have joined in, but he wanted to assess their skills in action, and he was quite impressed. "So, we finish up here, go for a nice shower, and get the remaining things setup then" said Nevilee, reminding Ron of the plan. "Yeah, but before I go for my shower I'm lifting the kegs and big cases of drinks through the bar though" he said back, reminding Neville of what he was doing. And so they soldiered on. The wood was tough and prone to splintering, so Neville had to work with Ron to increase his finesse for wood slicing. Ron would happily just chop and saw, but the wood that he would produce lacked a certain aesthetic appeal that only someone as sensitive as Neville could create without great effort. "Right boys, it's time for lunch!" shouted Faendal from the small hut by the side of the mill, "I've made a nice pie for you both today!". As the two boys put down their gigantic tools and looked over, they could see that Faendal was wearing a tatty old chef's apron and a hat. So they paused and went in for lunch.

Hermione and Esk were in the gift shop that was also a cafe. As there weren't many tourists coming through they were mostly quiet in the morning, but as lunch hit, many of the local travellers came in for lunch. At first they struggled with this as neither of them had developed a skill for getting good latte milk, but they decided to cheat and to use magic to do this. This was actually technically against one of the rules of both man and god, but nobody could see this and they were pretty sure they could get away with it. In the middle of the mad rush, a little man came up to the till. He looked far different from the other people. He was a middle aged man who wore old raggedy clothes and he looked really shit and disshevelled. He hid the right half of his face, but when he was turned at the right angle Hermione could see past the disguise of the bandana he used to disguise his face, and she could see his actual face hidden beneath. The hidden part was mostly rotted away to the bone and had considerable holes in it. Hermione felt at once really sorry for him and also scared. "I was looking for a nice gift" he said in a voice that hinted towards a middle to upper class background, or at least it would have if it had not been distorted so badly by the missing parts of his face. "What sort of gift are you looking for?" asked Hermione. "Something about dragons!" he said with excitement which caused some bits of phlegm and drool to coming flying out of his face gap. "Err…" started Hermione, "I don't really know if we've got anything here like that. Does it need to be dragon?" she asked. "Yes, it's a birthday present for an old friend of mine, she was really into dragons and I have to get her a dragon themed gift or else she'll think I don't give two shits about her" he explained, looking exasperated. Esk then suddenly remembered that there was some dragon-themed napkin holders in the corner of the room, they didn't think anyone would ever be interested in them, but when she suggested them to the shankley looking man he seemed very eager to buy them and so he did. "What an odd man, and what an odd thing to have in the shop" said Hermione who could spot these sorts of oddities. "It's got me thinking though" said Esk, "I've not bought anything for Luna's birthday as a gift, and I don't think anyone else has either" and she scratched her worrowed chin. "Yes" Hermione "you are indeed correct. Let us have a look in the shop we're currently in and have a look to see if there's anything here she would like". And so they looked for gifts for Luna but didn't really find anything that piqued their fancy. They looked at humourous playing cards, raucous coaster sets, novelty lampshades, risque mousemats, devilishly funny toothpicks, and LOLworthy coathangers, but as much as these were all quirky and potentially irish as they were, they didn't quite scream "LUNA!" to them. "What now?" they asked each other.

Neville and Ron sat down for Lunch with Faendal who pulled his steaming hot pie out of the oven. As it was quite cold, the boys's senses of smells weren't quite working right, but they could see the lovely steam arise from the pie with such grace, and the quality of the puff pastry seemed without parallel. They eagerly awaited their bites and drooled at the prospect of biting Faendal's pie. Faendal put down their plates and they bit into them. Immediately after submerging the meat into their readied mouths they made eye contact with each other and swallowed disgustedly. "What the fuck is this?" said Ron who obviously hadn't liked what he had eaten. "Watch your profanity" reminded Neville who had a very clean tongue. "Right I'm sorry, but what is this?" asked Ron. "I don't know" replied Neville, "Fandeal, what's in this pie?" he said, trying to get to the bottom of the pie's mystery. "Oh, it's Skeever, it's like a big-ass shitty rat" he said nonchalantly. "Fuck sake" said Ron, this caused Neville to shrug disappointedly at Ron for this, "why are you eating that?". "It's because it's the only meat that we've got here any more, there's a bunch of giants that are blocking the path to the deer, cows, and other animals that we'd use for meat. All of our food's shit, despite my impeccable cooking technique." he said, tearing up. "Well, the pastry is delicious" said Ron, trying to cheer him up, and it worked.

Harry was making up some cocktails in preparation for tonight's party whilst the bar was in a slight lull. He was quite the cocktail artist, although the casue of this was rooted deeply in an alcohol addiction that he had developed to mask the many years of child abuse he endured. He hoped that the drinks he was making for the patrons of the bar would make them happy and joyous, but they did not appear to happy or joyous. They all appeared to be sad. "What's up with you then?" asked Harry to a man sitting at the bar. "I just remember when we used to have decent food here" said Alvor, "back before those giants came in, set up camp, and blocked our food supply". "What are you eating now then?" asked Harry, curiously. "Skeever meat and fucking Quorn" Alvor barked, disgusted at eating such ridiculous food. "By God!" thought Harry, he then rushed through to the kitchen and met Ginny. "What the fuck is this meat she said" as she spat out a big bit of steak that she was eating. "It's either a Skeever, which is like a big shitty rat so I am told, or Quorn" said Harry. "Fuck, what are we going to eat for tonight's party?" asked Ginny back, not knowing the answer. Just then, Ron and Neville burst in with Esk and Hermione. "We've got a problem" they all started at once. "We need to find good meat for tonight" said Ron. "And gifts from us to Luna" followed up Hermione. "Well, apart from me" said Neville who had gotten Luna a lovely giraffe themed calendar. "We need to have Rincewind stall her for a bit while we sort this shit out!" said Esk, who then rushed off to warn Rincewind of this slight hiccup.


	35. Meat, Presents, And Horses

**Chapter 34 - Meat, Presents, and Horses**

"Rincewind! How are you doing? I was wondering if I could perhaps distract you for a brief moment?" said Esk as she walked into the stables looking to distract Rincewind for a brief moment. "Yeah I guess, whatever seems to be the matter?" he asked. "Oh nothing major, was just looking for some advice about something that I would only be able to get from someone with a beard" she replied, trying to make this seem like a perfectly normal conversation. "Okay" he said then turned to Luna who was grooming a big horse, "I'll be back in a mo". As they left the main bit of the stables and went into the back room Esk started to talk about the birthday party's current fiasco. She warned him of the Quorn and of the complete lack of presents and implored him to find some way to distract Luna for a bit while they were fixing the whole situation. After a brief conversation on this, Esk ran away, back to the rest of them and Rincewind returned to Luna. "Hey" he said "I was thinking...what are you up to after this?". "Not much, the usual. Was probably going to hang out with the rest of the gang at the pub as normal." she replied, touching the horse still. "I was actually wondering if you wanted to do anything else at all? If you wanted to…" he started before stopping to try and think of something for them to do, "go...to my room...and...watch a...movie?". Luna had watched many movies in her time but was really quite game for this so she agreed and they got on with their work.

"Okay, so once we have the horses we take them over. But how are we getting to the cows on the other side? The giants would surely kill us on sight, it is known" said Harry. "That's where you come in" said Hermione, "as your such a wizard at flying and also being a wizard too, but especially at flying, you are going to get them to chase you on your broomstick and we'll sneak in, perform the humane killing curse on one of the big animals then stick it in the luggage and take it back". Harry seemed really scared, like a dog that's eaten all the chocolates from the chocolate bowl when its owners were away, and now they were coming back and going to scold it so fucking bad! He was just about to complain about how dangerous this was when Ginny leaned in and whispered "if you do this then I'll be super moist from the excitement of you being a daredevil". Ginny's cooch and its powers could get Harry to do almost anything, which was fine as she was an ultimately nice person and wouldn't use her powers for evil. The worst she did was to get him to go and get her food and drink. So Harry agreed to this plan, and as the work day was already almost over, they all got their gear ready for after work and returned to finish their shifts.

After their shifts were finally over they all met up near the stables. They waited for a few minutes and then saw Rincewind and Luna walk out the stable door, Rincewind hadn't been told about the plan to take any of the horses so he locked the door behind him. Once they were out of sight they walked over to the barn door and tried to open it. It made the sound of a door that won't open, and in turn the door did not open. "Drat and fuck!" said Neville, finally letting his curses out, "we're screwed now", and a little voice was heard just after that. The group all stopped looking to continue their conversation about how fucked they were when they heard this voice. The voice seemed to be coming from down below. As they looked down they saw something very surprising. "Never fear, Dooby is here!". It was Doob! "Dooby, how did you get here?" Ron asked, pleased to see his little buddy again. "I've been hiding in the luggage, but it let me out a minute or two ago, as if it knew when the right time for me would be", he said. The group all looked at the luggage and at that exact moment they could all swear (including Neville) that it seemed to wink at them, despite not having any eyes and only legs, feet, and a beautiful, if now slightly muddy, veneer. "Well, what can you do to help? Can you open this door?" asked Harry after giving Dooby a nice pat on the head. "Hmm…" said Dooby, "I think I have an idea, bear with me" and he disappeared in a smoky poof.

"So what do you fancy watching? I'm personally stuck between Schindler's List, Bean: The Movie, or The Matrix" said Luna, who had an eclectic film collection. "Howabout this one" said Rincewind who reached out to Luna's DVD collection and pulled out a case that presumably contained a DVD. "Alien". "Ooh, that's a scary one, have you never seen it?" Luna asked, hoorified at Ribwinch's lack of cultural awareness. He just shook his head from side to side as was customary to do in this situation. Luna just gasped, snatched the DVD from Rincewind and slotted it into her awaiting disc slit. She then grabbed some cirps and popcorn, turned of the lights and sat over next to Rincewind and got ready to watch the film that was coming on. Meanwhile Rincewind was ready to act like a tough guy who can watch scary films without crying, but this was a feat that he had never managed before.

After a few minutes of awkwardly standing still and saying the occasional thing to each other like NPCs, Neville and the gang heard a sound. It was the sound of a creaking door-like thing. This door-like thing was indeed a door, and the door to the stable. As it swung open it revealed Dooby, standing smugly as he had opened the door. "Great work little fella, you're the best Dooby in the land" said Harry as he kissed Dooby's bald patch. Dooby then danced off and jumped back into the safety of the luggage which then scooted off to rest in Rincewind's room. Once inside the barn they were greeted with some of the most badass horses that they had ever seen. These horses even had tattoos and shit, they were that cool. They split up into three groups, Harry and Ginny, Ron and Hermione, and Neville and Esk and rode off on the stolen purebreeds and rode the roads with their fetlocks blowing in the wind. After a few minutes of ecstasy with the wind blowing through all of their glorious hair they neared their destination. The time was around 5pm, the party was starting in three hours and they were about 200 feet away from the giants. They all got off their horses, tied them to a convenient horse tying post shaped tree and moved forward to a local rock and hid behind it. They then peeped up over it and took in the situation. They noticed that the giants were standing around and having some good giant banter, but that they were a bit cautious and scared looking. The mammoths seemed indifferent. Harry gulped, gave Ginny a kiss and got ready to go. "Once I've taken them far enough away I'll give a loud whistle for you to hear, once you hear it, you will have a few minutes to go and find some animal to get meat from and get back here. Then you whistle will also prompt the return of the luggage." he said, and on that stirring speech he looked up into the sky and said "Accio Broomstick!" and his broomstick came over to him and he flew off on it. Harry was awkward on his feet, but once he was in the air he had grace like the eagle, speed like the peregrine falcon, and the loud voice of the cockatoo. The group watched him with their mouths all open in amaze as he flew between the bantering giants, causing them to be annoyed and swat at him. Their hands were bigger than Harry, but he avoided them with some ease, which in turn just pissed the giants off further. After a few missed swats they decided to chase after him, which Harry took as a sign to start phase two of his plan. He then flew over to the mammoths and started pulling at their ears. He knew that this was really annoying and the mammoths got really pissed off. One of the worst things you could do to someone was to pull on their ears. It really should have been against the laws of both man and god, but it wasn't. Once he had achieved this grand pulling, he had all of them chasing after him and he flew off fast, but not so fast as to discourage them from chasing him, and the group waited for his call.

Rincewind was sitting comfortably, eating some popcorn. Unlike Ginny, he really liked salted popcorn and this was something that he shared in common with Luna, who normally bought all the popcorn for the group. The film didn't seem all that scary at all. The facehugger thing seemed a bit fucked up, but that was gone and they were all just having nice times. This was when it happened. The fucking chestburster scene, where a man who looked like a young Ollivander had this alien burst out of his fucking chest, and just as the Alien burst out of his chest, some poop burst out of Rincewind's butthole. "Oh shit" he said with an unintended pun. "What, did you get a fright?" said Luna, laughing and poking him playfully in the side. "Yeah...oh do you want anything else, I'm going to get a drink" he asked. "No thanks, is everything okay, you're acting a bit odd." said Luna. "Nah, I just shat myself at that chestburster. Not literally obviously!" he said, spurting out the last bit in a similarly sudden way to how the shit spurted from his frightened anus. "Obviously" said Luna and she laughed maniacally at how silly that idea was. And then Rincewind went off to get more drinks, via the bathroom. Once inside he gave a short but noticeable whistle sound and after a few shit-seeping seconds the luggage knocked on his window and he let it in. Immediately as it entered the room it realised Rincewind's situation and it produced a pair of clean underwear and a new pair of jeans. Rincewind stripped off, throwing his shitty clothes out of the fourth story window and into a bush below. As he was naked and putting his new clothes on he heard a voice. "Jesus Christogard, I see your dingle!". It was Dooby. "Dooby! What are you doing here?" he said, bemused at the thought of Dooby peeping his penis. "I'm just doing my part to help everything tonight and waiting out in the Luggage" he said. "Right, well now isn't a good time, Luna and I are having a nice time watching Alien and-" Rincewind started before Dooby interrupted with, "Ooh fuck yeah, Dooby loves Horror films" and he then ran through out of the bathroom towards Luna's bedroom.

After a few awkward minutes waiting, the group all heard a distinctive whistle that they knew to be Harry. This was the prompt for them to all run away past where the giant's stronghold had previously been. The smell of the stronghold was hideous and put Ginny off her appetite. Once out of sight of the smell they found a small field filled with some cows that seemed completely without a care in the world. Hermione walked over to one quickly and performed a humane killing curse, which killed the cow humanely and it fell to the ground. She then gave a whistle at a pitch higher than human hearing which would prompt the luggage to return. The Luggage heard this, but it knew that Dooby had ran out of it and that Dooby was important as he was meant to be kept safe, and that Dooby was an excellent butcher who could prepare the cow for cooking. This was a considerable issue and after a few sweaty seconds the Luggage decided to leave without Dooby, as not to alarm Luna, and go off without him.

"Fuck yes!" said Dooby who was wriggling about excitedly on Luna's bed, in between her and Rincewind. They were both also enjoying the film but maybe not quite to the same extent as Dooby. They gave each other a knowing look as if to say, "this fucking guy" and continued to watch the film. After the film was over, Dooby returned to Rincewind's room to look for the luggage and Rincewind noticed that Luna look sad. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Oh, it's just that today is my birthday and everyone else has forgotten. Esk told me that she was arranging a big party for everyone but that's obviously horse hockey. You're the only one who has done anything special for me." she said, wiping a single night black tear away from her eye. Rincewind was morally torn. If he lied and said that there wasn't any plans then he could perhaps spend the night alone with Luna and get up to god knows what, but this would mean that everything else that the group had done would have been for nothing, and there would be fights and all of that. He looked over to Luna who looked sad but appreciative of his company, reached out his hand and put it on her shoulder.

"What the fucking shit is that?" cried Ron as he pointed to the west. There was no giants nearby, and the mammoths were gone as well, but instead there was an angry pack of direwolves coming their way.


	36. Cornered!

**Chapter 35 - Cornered!**

Drool and other forms of saliva dripped from the mouths of the direwolves. The wolves were all sure that they were having a good feeding on these students. The students however, weren't so sure that this was a good idea. They turned to go away in another direction but found that they were surrounded from all sides by direwolves. "Gulp!" said Neville as he swallowed. Nobody was paying attention to him though, they were were all preoccupied with their impending death. Captain Arr started to think of how shit this was, and about all of the things that he could never do in life all because these direwolves were being pricks and not letting them live. He got angrier and angrier and started to breathe more and more heavily with all the anger in this he pumped himself up more and more, growing in height and girth as he went. "You shall not kill my friends!" he shrieked at the top of his voice which was now quite low and manly. This caught the attention of the rest of the group who were suddenly amazed at Ron's shear bulk. He was considerably bigger than Hagrid now and as the first direwolf came in to attack Hermione, Captain Arr swung his big meaty fist at it wildly and punched it into a nearby tree. The other nearby wolves stopped their movement and considered their options. The direwolf that Ron had punched got up and limped away back from whence it came. There was one less direwolf now, but there was still at least ten. After a few seconds of sheer amazement, the wolves started to close in again. Ron swung at a few of them and got some blows in, but the rate of attacks increased and Ron could not keep up. His incredibly thick skin, partly due to all the times he was called a ginger cunt as a young boy, helped him fend off these blows but it was all getting too much. One direwolf noticed that there was enough of them on Ron to take him down and decided to focus his energy on the rest. It made eye contact with Hermione, snarled its teeth and leapt forward.

As the wolf landed next to Hermione she was braced for death and closed her eyes. She thought suddenly of all of the shit that she had been through and really wished that she had that time turner thing as that was really handy for shitty situations, but it was actually just something that she borrowed from Dumbledoor and she couldn't have it now. She thought of all the time that she had on Earth. The good times and the bad. After a second of thinking of all of this she interrupted her thought process with a new thought. She started questioning the fact that she wasn't currently being torn apart, limb by limb. She decided to open her eyes again and she noticed that the wolf that had leapt at her had since turned around and was attacking some of the wolves that were on Ron. Hermione then was encouraged by this and used a spell that sent a couple of the other wolves flying away. The rest of the troupe followed suit on this and the wolf numbers were falling like flies, despite them being wolves. Eventually all the wolves had been fought off successfully and they had scurried away to lick at their wounds until next time. There was still a pretty major issue though, the Luggage hadn't arrived, the dead cow was fucking huuuge, and a faint rumble indicated that the giants were on their way back.

Thud thud went the footsteps. Harry was out of sight and the giants were closing in. Suddenly a big bang was heard just out of sight of the group. The giants stopped in their footsteps and turned around, and to their absolute amazement they saw a box with tiny baba legs and a magnificent veneer rush past them, flattening trees and bushels in its way. It nipped in between one of the giant's feet and ran through some more trees. It didn't stop until it reached the big fuck-off cow that they gang had humanely killed and once it reached the cow it just opened up wide and ingested the cow into it. Once the cow was inside, Dooby began to butcher the cow and prepare it into manageable chunks. Dooby had smokily poofed his way into the box which of great relief to the Lugga.e The box began to run back, knocking one of the giants out of the way. The other giant, who was BFFs with the now knocked over giant was super pissed and although he couldn't let it out on the box as it was far away, he could let it out on the group. He took one step towards them and out of nowhere one of the direwolves started attacking him. He was taken aback and looked down at this big mangy dog attacking his leg. The gang thought that this whole turn of events was so unexpected when the dog turned to them and barked in such a way as to say "stop fucking standing about and fucking run you dipshits!". They took this bark to heart and fucking ran. They heard constant barking, howling and giant grunting from behind them as they bolted away. Once safely away from everything they stopped to catch their breaths. Ginny was fucking knackered and had a bit of a stitch. Ron was not used to stamina running. Esk seemed oddly calm. Neville was trying to comfort everyone, and Hermione was alright. "Why was that wolf attacking the giant?" asked Ginny between laboured breaths. "I think I know why" said Esk, "it's because-", "it's because I warged into it" said a voice from a small distance away, but not so long as they couldn't hear it. The sound of the voice was soon replaced with a creaking and squeaking sound. From the sound source came a boy in a wheelchair, rolling on over to them, down the road. "Ever since I got crippled I can do it, it's like some magical benefit for the disabled" said Seamus. Ever since he was hit in the hip by that arrow a few chapters back, he was unable to walk and the village doctors were a bit shit and unable to stop it from paralysing him. He took it on the chin without getting too upset, and the first night as he was trying to get to sleep he saw a fox outside his window and before he knew it he became the fox. He spent the rest of that night doing regular fox shit, but he had since worked on controlling it and he had used it to save his friends tonight. "We are forever in your debt" they all said at once, and bowed to him as was a sign of deep respect in feudal Ireland. They all took a couple of minutes to bask in the silence and the calm before they remembered that they now had a mere hour to prepare Luna's party, and they ran off to the pub.

The hour ran quickly and before they knew it Dooby had prepared the meat and Ginny had started to cook with it. She was making steaks and ribs and a general meat feast. They had also harvested some potatoes, parsnips, carrots and brocolli on their way back, and had all the ingredients necessary for an excellent batch of brownie, all of which Ginny was cooking. All of the students from Gryfindoor were there, and the pub had installed a special ramp for Seamus to go up. Esk was teaching Neville how to make some fancy cocktails like Long and Short Russians, Hokey Pokeys, and Sex on the Beach. Neville was trying hard to learn but didn't quite have Esk's flair with the bottles yet. "Okay, that's everything set up" said Hermione, who had just finished going around everyone and handing the party poopers out, "just have to wait for Luna to appear. Rincewind should be bringing her down in five minutes". But five minutes later they were all braced, but Luna and Rincewind did not appear.


	37. That Night

**Chapter 36 - That Night**

"I'm still not sure about this" said Luna, "I still just kinda want a quiet night to bask in the sadness that is my forgotten birthday" and she sighed a big sad sigh, like Bill Sigh the Sad Guy. "Please just trust me, once we're sat down and having a few drinks everything will be okay, plus we can go back and watch more films later on if you want" said Rincewind encouragingly. Luna stopped feeling shit for a few seconds and took this proposal on seriously. She had really enjoyed spending time with Rincewind and maybe they could spend the rest of the night watching some films. She figured that they'd forget about the time and accidentally stay in her room beyond the curfew and that he would have to stay the night. Esk would be away wherever she was. Luna didn't really care, she had been a shit as a friend with this hole party and Luna didn't care where she stayed overnight. "Yeah, okay then" she said, looking forward to a nice couple of quiet drinks with Rindwince at the pub before going back to her room. She felt a warm feeling in her sole that she wasn't used to as she opened the door to the sleepy quiet pub.

"Suprise!" they all shouted at Luna in perfect unison. Luna was surprised as intended. "I am so surprised" she said in a very literal way which was a bit quirky but no more than everybody had come to expect, "can I smell beef? AND POTATOES?" she shouted as the excitement got the best, the best of her. "Yes indeed" said Esk, "why are you so surprised" continued Esk privately to Luna, "I did mention this to you before". Luna didn't want to be a bitchy dickhole and admit that she didn't think that Esk was good enough as a friend and person to actually give her the birthday party that she promised, so instead she lied and said "oh yeah, silly me I forgot", and then gave herself a playful slap on the forehead and headed over to the beef. Rincewind walked over to the bar and sat down. "Hullo there stranger, what can I get yer fer?" asked Neville. "I'll have a drink of alcohol" said Rincewind like the adult he was. "Coming right up" said Neville as he scooted back and made a world class Hokey Pokey. Rincewind took a sip and sighed a little as he looked over at the party. There was such marvelous frivolity, but a part of him just wanted to go and watch some more films. "You alright there?" asked Neville, always looking out for his friends. "Yeah, just a little tired is all" Rincewind replied as he had another sip of his drink. Hermione came over to the bar and sat down next to him. "Hey buddy, what's crackin?" she asked with a little bit of energy. "Not much, just sitting back and enjoying the party." he replied. Hermione ordered a Long Russian which Neville dutifully made. "My first year at Hogwarts was a bit awkward and perilous", she startered "I was cast about as a bit of a weirdo myself. I wasn't really the easiest person to get on with and took myself way too seriously. I feel very lucky with my friends but I guess I had to realise that it's okay to just be me without having to impose me on others." she said. "Like this party", as she took a sip of her Russian, "I can tell by the look on your face that you're not a huge big party type". Rincewind shook his head, impressed at her deduction. "You would much rather just have a chill. It's nothing personal against anyone, in fact, you really do enjoy our company, just not this party atmosphere". "How do you know this?" asked Rinceinwd. "Because I feel the exact same way" answered Hermione as she chinked their glasses together and took a long hard drink. "So then" said Rincewind, "the big question is, why do you do this then?". "Because it makes Ron happy. He is willing to give up a lot of things for me, and to even get huge a muscly. The least I can do is make the odd appearance at the bar. It's a working compromise that we both ultimately benefit from." she explained with wisdom far beyond her ears. "Where is he now?" Rincewind asked. "He's over on the pinball machine trying to beat Harry's score." she replied as she rolled all of her eyes at the situation and they both took in a drink.

The lights buzzed and flashed on and off as Ron neared Harry's score. Quite a few people had gathered around them to see if the prince of pinball would lose his crown to some random ginger guy who also happened to be his best friend. Ron was down on his last ball and was nearing a multi-ball phase which would almost guarantee him the high score. He just needed one last ball to lock into place. Harry was trying to act cool but was actually a sweaty boy as Ron neared his high score. Luna walked over to the crowd with a big plate of potatoes and looked over at the pinball. "I didn't know that you were such a pinball wizard" she said to Ron. Ron didn't really want to reply or to talk to anyone as he concentrated on keeping his ball intact. He was now within a few hundred points of Harry's score and it looked like he would surely beat it. Luna stood still with her mouth agape, but not too much as to attract bothersome flies, and watched. "What is all of this trivial, fruitless, insignificant, purposeless, desultory, and ultimately improper and nefarious activity?!" howled a bemused Percy. Ron got into such a frightened rage at this that he lost his attention briefly and the ball fell down the central avenue. The bonuses appeared on the screen as everyone ignored Percy. "I asked you previously about your wrongful doings and I have received not a jot in response. I declare that more than precisely zero of you peasants communicate the purpoise of this at once!" he schreeched. "Percy, will you please just fuck off!" shouted Ron, filled with manly brotherly hate. "No, for I am still head boy of Gryfindoor and prefect and you all are-" he started back before Luna interrupted, "no, you are precisely shit all and have no power here. Gryfindoor is no longer a fucking house and all you are is a big ginger unemployed prick that nobody likes and the only way that you can get the slightest stiffy that you need to stroke yourself off at night, is to make us all feel like shit" she barked, letting out all of her pent up womanly rage. People started to get behind Luna and said good things like "yeah" and "woop" when they suddenly heard a robotic voice. "Game over" it said like Stephen Hawkins. They all looked over to the pinball screen. First place was Harry with 40,149,300 and also in first place tied was Captina Arr with 40,149,300 also.

Harry and Ron looked at each other. They weren't sure waht to do about the tie. Should they be happy? Should they be angry? The were unsure. They just knew that they wanted to be angry at Percy. "Yeah, why are you even here?" they asked angrily. They wanted to either be happy or sad, but this emotional ambiguity just made their blood boil. "I'm here because SOMEBODY must look over you all and keep you away from mischief" he said. "What sort of fucking mischief do you mean? And how did you even get here?" asked Harry, "you weren't in brill and you sure as fuck didn't get here on no dragon." Percy paused and thought for a second. He then sighed and said, "well...let's just say I have some friends who are more important than any of you" and he stuck his tongue out. Ron suddenly became like a big cat like a leotard and pounced on him snarling, "You will tell me who sent you or I will break every bone in your body and cut every fibre of muscle myself". "Ha aha aah ha" laughed Percy as he was pinned to the ground, "you think I didn't have a plan of action for this situation" and he laughed some more and disappeared in a smoky poof. Ron fell to the ground as Percy was no longer there and the smoke that he left could not reliable hold his bulk and keep it from falling to the ground, so he fell to ground. Once on the ground he started cursing more, and Ginny used her sisterly ways to calm him down. "This shit is ruining my birthday" said Luna who was clearly getting upset. She really hoped that Rincewind would hear this and help her out but he didn't as he was too engrossed in his conversation with Hermione.

"And then the tree fell on him?" shouted Hermione in disbelief. "Yeah," laughed Rinciwend, "you should have seen what it did to the pudding as well" and they both chortled and generally guffawed at the banter. Rincewind was entertaining Hermione with stories of his previous life that she found really exciting. Rincewind was of course aware of all the shit that Hermione and all of them had been through. Harry and Ginny took Captain Arr away round the back to cool down. They figured that placing him near the fridge would be a good start at this. Luna and Esk walked over to Rincewind, and Hermione, and Neville of course who was being a generally good egg and manning the bar. "Everything okay there chaps?" said Neville referring to his friends, and not their legwear. "Yeah, it's just all this shit with Percy and everything, stressing me out" said Luna, "and then Ron has to go and be rage Ron". "Oh shit, I'll go help him out, I'll be back" said Hermione like the worried gf she was and ran off to soothe her rageful bf. "Shit sorry dude, I didn't notice" said Rincewind, feeling bad that he hadn't been there to help, "why is Percy even here?" he asked, echoing the sentiment felt by others prior. "I think he's been sent by someone to 'watch over us'" said Luna. Esk seemed mighty concerned. She silently pondered this situation whilst the rest of them talked. She was aware that there would be spies for Snape's friends following them, but she was sure that they would have been safe in Riverrun. Luna was in part wishing for some quiet times watching films, and also partly wanting to drink some more. Rincewind was a middle ground between the two. He had been thinking about the spy situation for a bit. He was thinking about the actual sound of the howling and of his weird experiences with X, but he quickly reminded himself of the fact that it was Luna's birthday, and that they should be celebrating it currently. "Ooh" said Neville to Esk, "can you follow me for a second...I've got something for you to help me with" he said with a wry and dry smile. Esk quickly remembered that there was something needing done and scooted off with Neville. "How was this for a surprise then" said Rincewind trying to be cool despite some of the shit going down. "Yeah, I wasn't expecting this. You's are all such good friends" replied Luna with a smile in her face and heart. "It was largely the rest of them though" said Rincewind being a great friend, having taken lessons from the school of Longbottom, "they had some issues getting everything ready so I invited you to watch some films to distract you for a bit, but they managed everything in the end" he said. "That's super cool" said Luna with a smile as she took a sip of her drink. She suddenly had a dark and disturbing thought. What if Rincewind didn't actually give a shit about watching films with her? What if he was actually just sitting about bored and waiting for a text from the rest? Luna had really enjoyed all of that film time but now questioned it's authenticity. "I'm gonna go and...get some more potatoes" she said, wanting to get a chance to spend some time by herself to clear her mind from all of these emotions, and she walked off, leaving Rincewind alone in his stool at the bar. "Wait no! There's something you must know!" he said, plucking up his courage. He felt everything coming to a head. He was going to suggest that they go back after the party and watch some more films and stuff. Luna turned around, hair in her face, which she soon moved out of the way, and said "yes?". Suddenly the kitchen door sprung open. Everyone came out singing Happy Birthday to Luna as they paraded out with a big tray of brownie. Luna turned away from Rincewind and greeted the crowd. Ron had been calmed and was walking out as happy as Larry. Larry was sitting at a table nearby with a drink in his hand and a big cheesy smile. He was always such a happy chappy that peopled measured their personal joy against him at any time. "Make a wish" said Esk to Luna who closed her eyes, thought of something that would make her really happy and blew out the candles. "So this is how you remain inconspicuous?" said a voice from the door. They all looked over to the door and saw a man who looked like John Lenin. He had cool long wavy hair like a rad mutt, and wore a pinestripe suit. "Sirius" shouted Harry, who ran over to give his big uncle a hug. He of course hugged back as he was a fan of hugging as he was a reasonable human being. "I asked you to make sure to keep low!" he said angrily, midhug. "I know, but things happened" said Esk to him. People were surprised and amazed at this. Nobody knew that Esk and Sirius had even met at any stage, never mind being in cahoots with each other. "I see that" said Sirius, looking around to the rest of the party. "We must talk tonight" he said, "after this party" and he went to the bar to join the fun. Luna wanted to continue the conversation with Rincewind, but she was constantly preoccupied with the games that Ginny had setup for her to play, and Rincewind had been drawn into the massive pinball tournament between the lads.

The evening was coming to a close. Rincewind had beaten Harry and Ron's scores, but they had since overtaken him back again. He went over to the bar to get a last drink. Neville wasn't there, he was a sleepy boy who needed his bed and had clearly went off some time ago, so Rincewind got his own drink instead. Luna was gone as well, she was away with some of the people, playing some games outside. Rincewind was tiring and wasn't as enthusiastic about pinball as Ron and Harry so he finished his drink, said his goodbyes and walked off to bed. On his walk back he remembered the conversation that he never had with Luna. He realised that he was glad that he hadn't brought it up. If she didn't feel this way about him then he would completely ostrich size himself from the group and she would have lost a friend. The air was brisk and chill and he got back into the warmth of the inn, went upstairs and climbed into bed.

Luna had just finished her birthday games. They were all a bit too much for her but she won anyway as she was truly competitive. She went to say her goodnights to everyone but found that the bar was empty, so instead she turned off the lights, locked the door and went back to her room. She got in from the cold and into the inn and went upstairs to her room. Once outside she reached for her key to put it in the door when she heard a noise. The noise sounded like moaning and groaning, like someone taking a huge shit, but a really satisfying one clearly. She then quickly realised that the sound was from Esk who was currently having sex with someone. "Oh fuck" she thought, "I can't go in there and cockblock, not even on my birthday". And she had a brief panic, but then thought that Rincewind might still be awake and might be game for watching some more movies. So she walked over to his door and slowly creaked it open. Once inside she crept round the corner and saw Rincewind lying in bed behind a book. "Psst" she pssted, "you wanna watch a film?". There was no response so she tried again. Still no response. Luna then walked over to him slowly and lifted back the book to find that Rincewind was fully asleep and not awake at all. She laughed to herself about the whole situation, gave him a wee stroke on his bread and went over to his couch and went to sleep.


	38. The Morning After Plan

**Chapter 37 - The Morning After Plan**

After a heavy night they all slept soundly. Luna would have likely stayed awake for several reasons, but her tired eyes could take no more awakeness and she lost her fight to the sandman quickly. Most people slept in considerably. They were getting used to this life and didn't really have much to do this day as it was a Saturday and they didn't have to go to work. The gentle birdsong of early spring broke the chilly silence of winter which was slowly lifting from the land. This region was truly beautiful but in a way that communicated a great deal of brutality. The mountains and cliffs were stunning, but the sheer rock faces and waterfalls made them formidable to anyone who dared get too close. Nature was god here. Nature gave you enough to appreciate and enough to fear so as to keep you in your place. One might have assumed that due to this power dynamic that the people of the land were at peace with each other and only in a dynamic relationship with the land, but this was sadly not the case anymore. This land had remained peaceful for centuries as the native peoples fought against the harsh cold of winter, and the deadly force of the summer wildlife. But over the past two hundred years or so, the peoples across the continent had began to wander, as though unfulfilled with their share of the land. People began to share space and time with other people from far away lands and this was initially a beautiful thing. The people of this land learned some incredible skills from the people from more temperate climates, and they in turn learned of techniques passed down from generations in this land. Within a short space of time all of the knowledge in their known world was centralised and shared amongst the academics who would frequently collaborate and allow the differences between their races and life experiences to give different answers and different methods of answering. The world suddenly had range, and man's lust for knowledge was being satisfied. But with this, came man's mastery over nature. The god of the land became less formidable, and as their agricultural processes strengthened, they found that they could sustain better in the cold weather, and their new weaponry helped against the beasts of the summer. Without a centralised fear of God, man became fearless for the first time on this continent, and with this, man's lust for power dominated. Individual tensions and power struggles turned towards clan struggles, which turned towards territorial struggles, with now turned towards racial struggles. The many races of the continent were vastly different and outstanding specimens of the brilliance of evolution, but now they were faced with their greatest threat, themselves.

Rincewind and the other fellow former Gryfindoors did not know of this, nor did they know that this racial tension was leading towards suspicion directed at them. As Hogwarts was, until recently, a very inclusive school to people from all different backgrounds, there were people from various ethnicities and social backgrounds. The Gryfindoors never really gave this a second thought, but as they slept, all around Riverrun people were talking. They didn't know how to feel about these new people, but they were suspicious, and started to slowly spread the word that they had arrived. From shop to guard, to baker, to chimney sweep, to cook, word got about, and before anyone had woken up, word of this arrival had reached a shop owner in a nearby city. "Oh really?" he said to the gossiping man in his store, "did you catch where they came from?" he asked as he gave his counter a freshening morning wipe. "Apparently they're from a place called Warthogs" he said before buying some potatoes and walking out. Once he left the store, the big man behind the counter pulled out a sheet of parchment from his desk and began to write. "Those fugitives you said to look out for have arrived in Riverrun. I will try to keep them here for you. Sincerely, Belethor."

Harry groggily gaped his mouth with the hazy headache of the hangover. In an instant he suddenly remembered all of things that he couldn't and this made his head hurt considerably more. Luckily for him, his gf Ginny was nearby, in fact she was also sharing a bed with him, and she always had paracetamol in her bag because she was a massive hoarder. "Fuck me head" Harry said, holding onto his scalp for dear life, "you got something for this?", and Ginny diligently reached into her massive sack that only looked like a petite little bag and brought out a packet of Tesco's Finest Painkillers. Harry was living in the lap of luxury. As he took the pill, it restored parts of his memory that he had forgot about. He started to remember about things from the previous night. He remembered the pinball, and Percy being a cunt, and Sirius coming back, and hugging him, and he remembered playing more pinball, and Sirius saying that they would work some stuff out in the morning and he remembered Neville-" and his remembering of this event was interrupted by the shock that the event had. "Holy fuck, it cannae be true" he said randomly which made Ginny question just wtf he was smoking (other than all dat dank kush). Harry hurriedly put on his socks, then his trousers, then his vest, then his shirt, then his tie, then his jacket, then his shoes, then he rushed out of the door and down the corridoor. The speed of his magical feet was astounding even H-dawg, but he ignored the spectacle and kept going. Once he got to Neville's door he knocked on it a few times. "Neville? Are you alive?" he asked loudly to the door and also to anyone behind the door, but there was no response. He quickly went a few doors down and opened it on Ron and Hermione who were both awake and in bed, with their naughty bits covered by the covers obviously. "Shit dude," he said, "we need to go get into Neville's room", and Ron begrudglingly followed, after putting all of his clothes on, which were pretty much the same clothes that Harry put on, and then they left the room. They tried the same thing again, but no answer. "What happened anyway? Why are your knickers in such a twist?" asked Ron, trying to mentally force Harry to unknot his worried underwear. "I just remember Neville fucking off, but he said he would be back in a minute and he never came back. It's not like Neville, the most compassionate being ever to live, to spread false words such as those", Harry said as he placed his hand on his head in sheer drama. "I'll get this then" said Ron who then breathed in really hard air and bulked up, stepped back, and ran at the door. The door just gave up immediately, not wishing to fight the jolly ginger giant, and this allowed them access to Neville's room.

The room was impeckably tidy, with nary a single dust mite in the air. All of the books on the shelves were in alphabetical order, and Neville's sheets were folded. He even placed a mint on the pillow for himself to return to. Everything was perfect here, apart from that Neville was not present. "Neviiiiilllllleee" cried Ron, "where the fuck are youuuuuu?". They were aghasted by the situation and ready to give up on friendship and hope when they heard a faint voice from down the corridor. "Jesus guys, keep the racket down.". It was the voice of Neville, but not coming from his room. They went out and looked down the corridor and seen a hungover boy with a slightly dorky haircut, that was now roughed up to the point of knotting. He leaned on the doorframe as he talked. "Everything okay?" he asked. "Yeah, what happened to you last night?" Harry replied, both crurious and relieved, like when a dog realises that his balls aren't actually missing, but you are actually holding them behind your back having merely pretended to throw them for him. "I just went off and-" Neville started before being interrupted, "and he wound up getting carried away and spending some time with me" said a high pitched voice, but not like elmo or someone like that, this voice sounded sultry and vixenous. Out stepped Esk, spoking a cigarette and wearing nothing but one of Neville's hilariously oversized t-shirts. "Wait...so you two…?" asked Ron, in udder disbelief! "Yup, we fucked" confirmed Esk, "and Neville was bloody beasting btw" she confirmed which made Neville smile a wonderful smile of pride at his own prowess in the sack. "Fuck sake, that's a new one" said Harry, who was both shocked, disgusted, and proud at once. After all of this commotion they were all awake and ready for the day, but this had now interrupted everyone else's sleep, and they all walked out of their rooms (apart from Seamus who rolled) and saw Neville and Esk together. Everyone applauded that Neville actually managed to have sex. Luna was in disbelief, she didn't realise that Esk was interested in Neville at all, and Rincewind was blown away by the whole event, and didn't even have any remaining shock for the fact that Luna had slept on his couch that night.

As they sat down for breakfast, people whistled over to Neville who just took all of these whistlings on his chin. He expected that his sexcapades would be the subject for all of their banter this breakfast, butt there were far more serious topics of discussion afoot. Sirius had joined them today and he was to remain blissfully unaware of the sexual deviancy that had occured the night before. So they acted as innocent peoples and listened to what he had to say. "Your escape to Skyrim did not go unnoticed" he said, taking a sip from his double espresso. Sirius was a big tall man who looked like a rockstar, but his appetite mostly called for coffee. "We must keep moving" he said. He was obviously not talking shit as they could all remember the incident with Percy from the previous night. "I have some stuff stored in a nearby town that will be of use to us, then we must meetup with the rest of my order. Once all together we make a break out of this land and back towards Hogwarts, and together we can take down Snape and his corrupt rule over the mighty school" continued Sirius very siriusly considering that this was breakfast conversation. Normally such heavy topics of talking were left for later in the day, but there was no time to waste. After they finished breakfast, they went around all of the younger students and told them to pack their things. They weren't old enough to be dealing with this shit, but they didn't have any choice right now. Neville made sure to leave a big pile of money as payment for their stay on his bed, including tip obviously, then they all silently slipped out the back path away from the lumbermill, and headed out of Riverrun, saying goodbye to nobody as they left.


	39. A Quick Pitstop

**Chapter 38 - "A Quick Pitstop"**

The land was beautiful and untouched by man. They were off the beaten path, scurrying through the trees and bushes, keeping hidden from the locals. On the way, Sirisu had explained that one of the big racist leaders in this country was close friends with Snape and Luscious and that he had the manpower to seize and kill them all immediately if he were to find out that they were here. These stories were as new to Esk as they were to everyone else, and they continued on. As deadly as the land was, it really didnae appear that way when they were walking through it. They were captured by the aromas of the elderberries, bewitched by the herds of hamsters running around on the dirt paths, and left in a state of disbelief at the size of the mountain that towered over the world to their east. Everything in this world seemed to be in the shadow of it. High Hrothgar, the gullet of the world! But there was little time for awe in this situation as they had to make good time on their journey. Soon they found their way out of the wilderness and outside a major town. "What are we doing here?" asked Esk, wondering why they would dare go anywhere near civilisation if they were in such danger. "I have some things in here, vitally important. Think of it as a quick pitstop" said Sirius, and they trusted him as he was a lovely person and gave excellent hugs which harry attested to. "How are we getting in?" asked Hermione as the voice of reason. "There's a sneaky way round the back, follow on my six" Sirius replied, being tactical, and so they went around the side. There was a small gap in the wall that they could all just about fit through, even Ginny, and they could see this from the bushes just outside the city. Sirius told the younger children to stay safe in here, and that there wasn't enough space to fit all of them in at once. He also instructed Captain Arr to look after them which was a job that he took on with pride. And the rest of the group slowly wandered out towards the whole.

"By the Nine Divines! What in Akatosh are you doing?" said a voice behind them, down a path. They turned around to to their joint dismay and horror they saw a guard who looked very pissed off and suspicious. "I can explain, we were just-" started Luna before being interrupted, "let me guess, someone stole your sweetroll, and you're trying to find it here" he said with a hint of sarcasm. Rincewind steeped forward to say something to the guard, but before he could talk the guard suddenly changed his face and looked very apologetic. "Oh Mr. Hossack" said the guard sheepishly like a sheep. He looked over to Esk and said, "and Yolanda too, I'm so sorry for being so disrespectful. Where are all your children?" he continued with more respect and kindness. "Oh" said Esk, "they're back at the school, we're just getting them some elderberries for our chemistry lesson and are nipping back in." she said in one elaborate lie. "Certainly ma'am" he replied, "don't want to hold up the due process of education" and he saluted to them and let them pass unhindered. Once inside they were alone and out of earshot and started looking at each other in acknowledgment of how lucky they were. "Okay, my hideout is in a room I'm renting. You all just stay around here and I'll be back in a jiffy." Sirius said then he went off for said jiffy.

They all stood in absolute silence, only interrupted by the sound of the wind, chillily blowing the remainder of the cold breath of winter through the trees. This sound was broken by another, more unsettling sound. They could faintly hear the pained cries of a woman crying around the corner. The group tried to ignore it for as long as they could, but Neville struggled hard with the idea of not helping his fellow man out, so in one quick act of defiance he went around the corner to discover more about the source of these tears, and he was followed by his friends who would not abandon him like this. Once around the corner they could see a market. This one was considerably smaller than the one in Brill and far less busy. One stand sold bread, another sold berries, and one stand sold flowers, and this last stand was occupied by a small lady, but not a midget, who was in tears. "Whatever is wrong with you sweet lady?" asked Neville as gallantly as his clumsy mouth could say. He wasn't trying to hit on her and get laid or anything as he was sorta now in a relationship with Esk, so this action was as pure as that apple juice that you can get that says that it's not for concentrating. "Oh" she said, peeping up through her tears, "it's just same some fuckhead came over here, pushed me over and stole some of my flowers and when I called him out on that he just told me that they were really shit and not worth paying for" she eplanexed, showing the true depths of depravity that humans were capable of when every last fibre of goodness had been stripped from their still beating hearts. "Where did he go?" asked Harry as Ginny began to breathe hevily of the disgust she felt. "He went into that shoop down there" she said and she pointed her dainty finger towards a building that looked like a shop should look. "Then we will go and get him to pay for what he did" said Hermione, sticking up for the woman. "You would do that and you don't even know my name?" she said, amazed at their goodness, "it's Ysolda, tell him I sent you" she finished, with a big smile, and so they left to go to the shop.

The shop doors were old and wooden and the veneer was rustic, like an old spoon. The sign indicated that this was indeed the General Goods store, which was where people could go to get some stuff that was generally good. Once inside the store, the musk of the shopowner hit the gang. As a trained culinaire, the odour was particularly powerful to Ginny's well tuned nostrils. She puckered up her face into a big ginger prune and tried not to breathe. Other than the Hogwarts dudes, there were a few people inside the shop. The shopowner stood behind his counter. His hair was tied up into a ponies tail shape, and it was greasy and brown. His shirt was well worn and creased, and his apron was covered in so many patches that it was hard to tell what parts were true. He had this big smile that seemed hollow, and his eyes portrayed an empty soul. They say that the eyes are in the windows into the soul, well, these eyes were just an extension of the wall on which the window would be. There was no window, there was no soul. There were two other men in the shop. One was a well dressed man, dressed from top to foot in suit materials, jackets, cufflinks, and a bowler hat. He was over by the antique teapots, checking them to see if he could find one that didn't have any craic in it. The other man seemed suspicious and dark. His long leather jacket had a very pedo-ish look to it, like he wasn't wearing anything underneath it and would run up to people and flash has hairy rainstick at them before running away. He was picking up some cigarettes and stuff from the drugs counter when he turned around to go to the main counter, which revealed a big bucket of flowers in his hands as well. "Hey big boy" said Neville in a slightly gay way unintentionally, "how much did those flowers cost ye?". The man looked over to the group, the big hat that he wore conveniently covered his face, but the lamplight reflected off his eyes and after he spotted the gang he ran up the also convenient stairs. The dudes all ran after him up the stairs and he ran into the first room in the left and shut the door, once they got up there, they went into the room and found that he was not there. There was no sign of his existence, other than a packet of cigarettes, and a bucket of flowers on the table. "So you must be the people from Hogwarts" said a voice behind them, as they faced the table in the room. They turned around to see the shopowner and the sharp dressed man standing by the door, which the sharp dressed man quickly closed.


	40. Belethor's General Goods Shop

**Chapter 39 - Belethor's General Goods Shop**

"Who are you?" said Rincewind plucking up his courage like a mildly scared chicken. "The name is Belethor, I run this little shop here, and this here is Gravel" and he pointed to the sharp dressed man who now turned to reveal his face which was chubby with a cool beard that hided some of his chubby face. "I work with Belethor, at the general goods store", he said. Gravel's voice betrayed his looks. His voice was weak and feeble, he sounded like a broken man, and his subservience to Belethor heightened how scary Belethor seemed. Belethor gave Gravel a small kick for talking out of line. "What brings you folks to Whiterun then?" Belethor asked as he and Gravel closed in on the group. "We're just some people, visiting through, looking to browse some stuff and we're just-" started Luna before being interrupted by Belethor. "I'm not talking to you Luna, I was talking to Rincewind" he said. Ricewand looked over to the rest of the group who all looked bewildered as they all knew that they had been properly caught now. "How do you know about us?" Rincewind asked. "Oh I know about all of you" Belethor said as he walked over to Rincewind. "I know about your escape from Dumbledoor's kinky prison" he said as he slowly ran his bony fingers through Rincewind's beard. He moved over to Harry, "I know about all of your insecurities, I know about what happened when you were very young." "Hermione Granger!" he said as he stepped over to the next person, "I know about what you've done. I know more about what you've done than you know for sure. The only thing I don't know about you is whether or not you're aware of the influence you have." he continued as he made her feel uncomfortable. He turned next to Ginny, "You poor thing, you shouldn't be here. Why don't you stay safe and stay away from all this bullshit. And you Neville, can't you see just how much you are being used by them all. What do they give back to you?". The group all continued to be confused and uncomfortable at Belethor's knowleg. Gravel cackled away to himself at the great work that his master was doing. "Luna. Quirky, Irish Luna." he sighed, seeming calmed, "if only you could figure out these dreams right?". The rest of the group looked really confusedly over to Luna. She hadn't mentioned anything about the dreams to anyone else other than Rincewind. "It's staring you in the face!" he said with a chortle before moving over to Esk. Once he got to Esk he just stared for a few seconds. She seemed intensly uncomfortable at this. He looked her up and down, taking in every inch of her body, then just gave a knowing wink. "I once said that if I had a sister that I would trade her. Would you trade your sister?" he asked pryingly. "I never had a sister" she said, "only brothers". "Of course...of course" he said with a smile and turned away, "Be a good Gravel and show these people to their rooms" he said as he left the room, leaving them with the weird being that was Gravel. Gravel was almost in tears laughing at their discomfort, he was so pleased for Belethor to have his moment that he felt utter joy for the first time in quite a long time, and with a laugh he turned off the light and they were plunged into the darkness.

The lack of light coincided with a lack of sound. It was as if they had been absorbed by existence itself. This silence was soon broken by the slamming of a door which then led to the sound of the door opening again. They were still in the same room but now the door was open and unguarded and the lights were on. They creped out once more and into the main landing of Belethor's store. There were some more rooms along the corridor at the top of the stairs but they all seemed pretty dull, as if they would contain bedrooms or toilets or boring things like towel cupboards and shit like that. The only way out was clearly the stairs. One foot at a time they walked down the stairs, slowly as to remain unheard. But they creaky stairs were there downfall as they walked down them. "Who's that?" said a familiar voice from downstairs. The gang paused in fear, frozen in the spot. They heard the sound of footsteps rounding the corner and then they were faced with a greasy man at the bottom of the stairs. "What in Akatosh are you lot doing up in my house?" Belethor shouted, "get out before I call the guards!" and he got very angry. "We're only here because you got Gravel to lock us away fucknugget!" shouted Harry, angry and bewildered, like a snake that tried to eat a scary spider. "What in Oblivion are you saying?" shouted Belethor, "I haven't seen any of you in all me puff. And Gravel? Who the hell is Gravel?" he said in disbeleaf. The dudes didn't want to dillydally or lollygag so they popped off and out of his store as quickly as they could and as they looked around they saw no sign of the sharp dressed man anywhere. "Thanks so much" said a voice from their rights. It was Ysolda. "A well dressed man came over and said that he was sent by you lot to return these to me", she said, holding her flowers with a mighty floral pride. "We didn't…"started Luna before confuddlement interrupted her train of thoughts. "You didn't what?" asked Ysolda, hugging her prized petunias with pride. "Not a thing" said Luna, letting her have this moment. The group all went back aside to where Sirius had left them and looked a teach other. "Okay" started Hinny, "please tell me that I aint trippin. We all remember Belethor knowing shit and Gravel right?" she asked, pleading for her sanity. "Yes of course" said Neville, " How does one forget the sight of Gravel? He was such a broken specimen." he contrinued, worried for even the most hopeless of human creatures. "I don't think we've seen the last of them" said Rincewind, allowing the pessimism of age to slip into the conversation. His cynicism was welcomed by the group however, and they did not mind him stirring suspicion. "I think you're right" said Hermione, joining in on the conversation.

"Okay I'm back" said Sirius who was now back as he said. "Hi" they said back, then Neville piped up with "do you know anything about Gravel?". "What? You mean that grey shit they put on the roads?" asked Sirius, confused by Neville's fascination with civil engineering and infrastructure design. "No" said Luna, repaying the act of kinship, "as in a weird and morally corrupt person, who seems as to have no real sense of humanity left in him". Sirius suddenly looked serious, like he was the manager of the Beatles and needed them to make a new album really good because the company needed to sell lots of CDs. "We do not speak of Gravel." he said seriously, "He is just a rumour, a spark of imagination gone wild and he does not exist in any way shape or form or anything else. I will not discuss this matter further." This was quite an overreaction to the matter but the gang decided to stay on Sirius's good side and to not disucss this any further. "I have my things now, let us go and meet Ron outside and we'll continue on and meet up with the rest." Sirius spoke, reminding them of the mission at hand. And they followed this idea and went to leave out of the rear crack of Whiterun once more. "Mr. Hossack" a voice said, it was the familiar guard from before. "Or should I say, Mr. Rincewind?". The guard then took of his helmet and revealed short grey hair and a smile that was up to no good. "Would you lot care to come with me for a chit chat?" he asked. "I...don't think we do" said Sirius as he backed up with the children, and Rincewind who was a grown man with the beard. "Okay…" he said smiling still, "My people will be with you soon then" and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a flask and took a sip. The group started to run to the back of Whiterun as they heard the sounds of the other guards coming running around the corner towards them. There were around 50 guards in total, in full battle armour, with swords, crossbows, axes, and other weapons, running at full pace towards the group. The man with the grey hair just laughed and drank from his flask. "Bonsoir my golden nuggets! Bonsoir!" he toasted them from afar.


	41. The Chase Is A Foot!

**Chapter 40 - The Chase is a Foot!**

The sleepy farm with its tired horses and slumbersome oats was blissfully unaware of anything happening in the world. The residents were only aware of the pleasant plowing that came with the crop yields. It was said that one did not chooseth the arable life, instead, the arable life chose one. The sounds of footsteps were heard in the distance. Farmer Bremner who ran the place was used to hearing this sound. To him, this sound would generally be followed by a whole bunch of people plodding over to see what could be bought for their dinner. "Marge!" he called over, "The townsfolk have come for our spuds again!". His wife liked to be warned about the potato demanding city folk. The city folk seemed so much more high stressed than the farm folk. They were always going on about taxis and public transport and the weather, but on the farm none of this mattered. They had a horse and didn't need taxis. This also fixed any public transport problem. And the rainy weather of rain was good for the farm as it gave the plants and animals a chance to grow. The footsepts got closer, and with their imminence, their sound became more dinstinct, like a big cat that looks like it could be any old thing from ages away, but as it chases you, you see the spots and see that it's a big scary leopard and then you run away. Farmer Bremner noticed that there were a quite a few people, and they seemed to be running, and then he noticed a massive wash a feet sounds that seemed to be following them. He looked yonder to the hills and saw to his surprise a large group of people, kids of all ages, running with gay abandon and sheer terror. Shortly behind them was an army of guards and authority figures. "Marge!" he called, "I don't think they're here for the potatoes!" as he ran back inside. He was right, these people were not running due to potato fever, even though Luna in particular would have loved some right now. Ron was massive again, but he couldn't just turn around and fight them off as he was having to push Seamus along in his wheelchair. The sounds of "charge" and "argh" and "yee" followed the students and they were terrifying. They all kept running though. Up ahead was a small building, and they figured that they could try and get in there. "Okay" said Harry in between pants and breaths, "I have an idea!". "Well it better be a fucking good one then" said Sirius who was not feeling too optimistic. "If we combine our shiney spells in one big blast at them, we should be able to blind them for a few seconds. Once we do that, we go into that house and hide in the cellar." Harry finished, explaining his plan. There wasn't really much of an alternative, and as everyone had heard him because Harry had an excellently clear voice, they all knew the plan. They were about 50 feet from the farmhouse and aiming in a direction to miss it when Harry counted down. Three...Two...One… "Lumos Maximum!" they all shouted and waved their wands at the guards who were on their metaphorical tails.

Everything was suddenly bright and most of the gourds all stopped at once. The few who didn't ran into others and they generally tripped up and fell about. After about a minute of rubbing their eyes they could see a bit and saw that there was no sign of the massive troupe of students. The only thing nearby was a small arable farm.

The guards stood by the farm, lined up, awaiting their next order. Nary a sliver of humanity dared peek its head up through the slits in their shiny and polished helmets. The birds in the trees all hushed each other, ready to eavesdrop in on the situation at hand. From the top of the hill to the farm came a horse. And atop this galloping beast was a shortish man with grey hair and a big fake smile. He was smoking a beautifully ornate pipe, like the one grandma has. He strode on through the lines of soldiers and gazed upon them, proud of how smart they all looked. "You are all so cute in your matching uniforms" he giggled to himself as he and his horse walked on down the hill. At the foot of the hill stood a more senior officer in the middle of the road. The horse approached this man and then stopped politely, and the man aboard the horse jumped down with grace and delight, pipe still in his mouth, and walked over to the officer. "So, Captain Rikke, what is this situation we have regarding our friends on the run?" he asked with a jolly smile as he puffed his pipe. "The fugitives were spotted going into that farm half an hour ago. The farm has been surrounded since, with guards around it. Nobody has left the farm. The farm is owned by a Mr. and Mrs. Bremner, and they have no criminal history, although they may be hiding our fugitives." Rikke replied with great sternness. "Please" said the grey haired man, "do not call them fugitives. They are our friends who we need to find right now. Thank you for letting me know this, you have done a most wonderful job here. I shall go into the farm and have a brief chitchat with Farmer Bremner." he said, and then bid the captain a jew, and went on into the cottage.

The farmer stood uneasy, unsure what to do with his hands. "Colonel" he started, "what a pleasure it is to welcome you into our lovely and humble potato farm. Would you care for a drink?". "Yes I would love a glass, of milk perhaps if you would be so kind" replied the grey haired man, "and please, call me Hans." Bremner bowed with respect and went to the fridge to fetch a glass of milk. As this was a farm he didn't have any of that bullshit red milk that was basically white water shit, he had proper blue top milk that resonated a beautiful blue like Luna's eyes as if to say "drink me! I am fully of calcium for good bones!" Hans was a man of good bones and calcium so he drank up on a lot of milk throughout the day. "Mmmmmm" he said as he gulped down a glass, "that is a delightful glass of milk. Did you know that in the city they drink that red stuff that is just horrible? Yes, you can't get any of this milk in the city". Bremner nodded his head in agreement and stood still. "Please, Mr. Bremner, you look uncomfortable in your own home, do sit down and we can have a small chat." Hans urged with a smile. Bremner sat down. "May you pass me over the bottle for this milk?" asked Hans, to which Bremner obliged. "Ah yes, Graham's milk. I used to drink this when I was but a pup. Beautiful stuff. Have you ever tried the horrible red milk?" he asked. "No, I have not" said Bremner sheepishly. "Vile stuff" replied Hans, "I spend what feels like every waking hour longing for this lovely shade of blue. What are your thoughts on this shade?" he asked, holding the bottletop. Bremner sat confused, not replying. "To me" started Hans, "this blue represents childhood, serenity, romping in the fens and spinneys. I was without a care in the world." Bremner nodded in agreement and let a slight smile come on his face. Hans took a puff on his pipe, "of course, there is one other thing that comes to mind when I see this beautiful hue. Do you have any idea what that could be?" he asked, leaning back and maintaining eye contact with Bremner. Bremner sat still, the brief smile slipped away from his mouth which then opened and muttered out, "I don't know sir." Hans looked surprised, his eyes widened and his eyebrows rose substantially. "Really?" he said startled, "You have no idea? Well then, please allow me to tell you, sir, what this bottletop reminds me of. To me, this bottle top also reminds me of someone who I have met before. A girl, of about seventeen. Blonde like salad cream, quirky and Irish. Her eyes were one of the most recognisable features of her. The striking blue that spoke to me, reminding me of my love of milk. Never before have I seen eyes like that, and never since, for, as you may well know, nobody in these lands has blue eyes. Ezekiel Brown in his windmill claims to have them, but they're just grey if you look close. Would you not think that if you had seen someone with eyes of this particular shade of cerulean, that you would remember it?" he asked. Bremner looked down and stared at his shoes. "Mr Bremner" said Hans quietly as he put his glass of milk down on the table, "I detest rudeness, and I have asked you a question." "I agree" said Bremner, still looking down. "Well done!" said Hans with giddy glee, "see that wasn't all that hard? Let's try another one. If this person who you recognised and remembered was described as being, say, an enemy of the state and as someone who has committed atrocities against the laws of both man and god, it would be horrible to defend them or offer them any protection from the law. Would you agree?" Bremner raised his head, looked Hans in the eye from across the table and nodded his head. "Of course" said Hans as he leaned back more casually and crossed his legs, "if someone were, hypothetically of course, to aid the efforts of the police in finding any dangerous individuals, they would be treated as heroes and rewarded appropriately, even if these people had promised to protect our runaway friends. Hypothetically, they would be able to, I don't know, ask the Jarl for anything within his power to grant and it would be there's." said Hans with a smile. "Then again, in this hypothetical situation, there is another possibility." he said, uncrossing his legs and standing up, "please stay seated Mr. Bremner. If you were hiding enemies of the state in your land, and you did not tell me where they were when you had the chance you would be treated appropriately, as though you were one of them. Now I personally don't want this to happen, for very selfish reasons of course, I do love a good spud. But there are other potato farmers out there and I as well as most of the Whiterun area would learn to adjust." he said as he paced the room. Hans then walked over to Farmer Bremner and looked down at him, then raised his head with his hand. "I will ask you this one time, where is Luna?". The farmer cried a single night black tear and lifted his arm and pointed it at a door in the corner. "Thankyou my friend" said Hans calmly, without his characteristic glee and walked over to the door. His footsteps did not make a sound on the creaky floorboards. Once outside the door, he signalled out of the window with his hand, and the sounds of soldiers grew louder and louder in the hut.


	42. Breathing Down Your Neck

**Chapter 41 - Breathing Down Your Neck**

Farmer Bremner looked away from the door, appalled at himself and scared of what was to happen. Hans opened the door and fell silent for a brief moment. He then took this opportunity to remove his black leather gloves as he turned around to face the bemused farmer. "Well then" he said, "it appears that you are in a bit of a pickle". Bremner turned around confused by this pickle talk and saw behind Hans into the room that had been unveiled. The room was empty, there was nothing inside but farm supplies and bin bags. "Where did they go?" asked Hans, pointing to the door, smile still intact. "I don't know they just vanished. It's like-" started Bremner. "Magic?" interrupted Hans who then laughed and took a puff, "that will hold up nicely in court won't it." Bremner started to fluster wildly without control. "I think we've got all there is to get out of your I'm afraid" said Hans as his smile turned downwards. "Wait! Please! I… There is one more thing" said Bremner in a panic. Hans looked intrigued and rushed over to the frightened farmer and sat next to him, "oh goody! I do like it when the story takes a turn! Please, do tell." Bremner looked coy once more, "Well… before they came in here I did hear them mention one thing. They were mumbling a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo and other things that a simple farm boy such as myself couldn't understand. But I did hear them talk a lot about High Hrothgar, most of them hadn't heard of it which I thought was quite odd. I dunno if they were going there?" Hans stayed still, smiling his big vacant smile at Bremner. "Farmer Bremner, it has been a pleasure. The jarldom thanks you for your loyalty and I will now bid you farewell until our paths meet again." and he stood up, bowed respectfully and walked out the house. "They've gone to High Hrothgar and I suggest you all go there as well!" he beckoned to the soldiers who took this command and started off on their horses. Rikke looked bewildered by this, "but Hans" he started. "Colonel", Hans reminded him. "Colonel, sir, why in seven hells would they be going there?" asked Rikke. Hans gave a very suspicious look over to his inferior, "I have some idea, but it's not worth discussing now."

The road to High Hrothgar from the farm was one of contrasts. The land was beautiful yet barbaric, silent yet frighteningly loud, and freezing cold yet swelteringly warm when one was under a thick invisibility blanket alongside loads of other people of varying ages. Silently, and without making a sound, the large group of people crept away from the farm. They had snuck out of a window when the soldiers had lined up and were now almost in a safe zone. They turned around to gauge the distance between them and the farmhouse but when they turned around they found that the soldiers were all gone. They massive group all stopped in their tracks and listened. Birds chirping, wind blowing through the trees, and rabbits rustling through the long grass. There was no sign of any human life. After a minute of listening to the aforementioned sounds they all lifted the massive blanket and put it back in Ginny's bag. Breathing the fresh air of the air that was not musty felt good. Hermione's lungs were excellent and Ron took notice. "Where did they go?" asked Rincewind, letting the worry of an older man seep through. "I don't know, but I don't want to find out" said Sirius dramatically. "Why not?" asked Neville, "surely if we found out where they were going we could just arrange our planned path to avoid their route?". "Fair point" acknowledged Sirius, "to be honest it's just a cool phrase I've heard in the movies". Sirius was a big movie buff and loved the film Leon which was about a girl that fell in love with an old Renault which blew itself up to save her. He then tried to change the subject by getting them to all go over to a nearby cave which he scoped out to check if there were any bears or trolls in it. Once he declared it as safe they all went in and set up a temporary camp. "Okay" he started like a teacher, "to climb to the top of High Hrothgar, we must ascend the 7000 steps up the gullet of the world. These steps lay just five hundred feet North of this cave. Once we get there, we must climb like we've never climbed before, but good, and we must push to reach the top in a day. We cannot afford to face nightfall halfway up the hill, lest we die in our doom.". The group all seemed a mix of frightened, scared, and a little excited, as they took it all in before they went out and got some quick supplies so that they could cook dinner.

"Did you smell that?" said one guard. "What? My fucking fart?" laughed another one as he pattered his friend on his shoulder. "Nah, I thought I could smell fire" said the first one, avioding the shit joke. "Are you sure that wasn't his fart?" laughed another guard, taking the piss out of the more serious one. "No! For fuck sake! I'm trying to be serious here, I smelled a fire from outside the cave." he said trying to get the guards to refrain from such unnecessary jocularity. "Look" said the farting guard, "either there's no fire and you'll be wasting a good night, and possibly your life, by going out there to hunt for these people in the night. Or...there is a fire, and you'll be risking your life and going against a direct order by leaving. Fuck, did you also think that there could be someone else out there that isn't part of this group?". "I suppose you're right. Pass me the mead you smelly bastard" said the first guard, restraining his serious mind as he sat back down to get pissed.

Not even sixty feet from the guard's camp, the former Gryfindoor kids, as well as Rincewind and Sirius, who were both grown men with beards, were all settling down for the night. They had just put the small fire out that they had been using to cook a humble dinner, and they were now only illuminated by the sublime grandure of the moon. The faint red glow of the lunar eclipse caused everyone in both camps to pause and stare up to the heavens. They were such insignificant beings here, stranded on a pale blue dot. Every action they made was insignificant, nothing mattered in the big picture. To some this was scary, but to Rincewind this was reassuring. He had spent so many years dealing with the guilt of academic failure but he had now realised that it was not as important to him as he thought. He, for the first time, fitted in somewhere. Despite the horrific situations that they had been in for the past few months, he was happier than he had known in years. Sharing this excitement and adrenaline with all of these people, and being trusted and relied on by them, Luna in particular, felt great. So, despite the madness of the situation and the pressure at hand, Rincewind fell asleep quickly and easily in his sleeping bag, with the red of the Blood Moon gently washing the stress off his face. Not everyone was so relaxed by this phenomenon. Luna lay awake after everyone else had fallen asleep. At least it looked as though she was awake, but she had actually just slipped into one of her tropical juice dreams, only, she didn't drink any tropical juice that night.


	43. Wake Me Up Inside

**Chapter 42 - Wake Me Up Inside**

The landscape was bizarre and unfamiliar. The desert was appropriately deserted, and the sun shone so bright as to make it seem unworldly red. The only things that broke up the relentless barren ground were the occasional trees, rocks, and bushes made of really hard wiry leaves. After a few moments of taking this in Luna began to try and fly away, recognising that she was in one of her lucid dream states. She tensed up her wings and jumped from the ground, flapping hard as to initially get off the ground. Thud! She landed back on the earth. She looked down at herself, confused at her lack of flight and found to her mighty and justifiable surprise that she had long hairy legs, long hairy arms, and a long hairy body. "What am I" she thought as she started to walk about. Her back ached for no damn reason which was a real nuisance, so to remedy this she assumed a comfortable walking position which required her to hunch over a bit, like one of Frankenstein's interns with the googly eyes. She was walking towards a tree which was central in her view, this tree dwarved everything else in this world and it drew her in weirdly. She walked to the tree, entranced by its glorious bark-like veneer. As she got closer and closer she could see more detail. Her vision was excellent and she didn't need glasses which really helped her perception. There was one big clump in the middle of the bark which did look a bit out of place. As she neared the tree she understood that this tree was unlike any that she had ever seen before. The leaves were tinged with red, and the bark was white like a MacBook charger, and the big clump of texture in the middle of it became identifiable as a big face. Once Luna noticed the face in the tree she paused stiff, feeling really curious and creped out by this. She stood for a few minutes taking it in. The face was reasonably undetailed and rather crudely carved, but from the eyes slowly seeped a reddish umber coloured sap. She was trying to figure out what this tree could be, calling back upon her many years reading "What Tree" magazine, but this seemed like it was is in a completely different world. But her wondering was blatantly interrupted in a sudden by a loud bassy roar, and as she turned around she saw, from around a nearby rock, a huge dinosaur.

Luna inexplicably ran towards the rock to hide behind it and see this specatcale. She, for some reason, trusted the shielding that the rock provided, and once she was just on it she could take in the sight of the dinosaur in its full glory. She recognised it and identified it as a Stegosaurus. Big unwieldly beast with the brain the size of a walnut, but most likely without the taste or consistency of one. This would have most likely been a peaceful animal, just here to graze, drink, and have fun. Why the fuck would it be getting so pissed off? Luna then looked to where it was facing and saw a tribe of people that looked like monkeys. They were all pointing at the big beast and going "ooh" and "ah" and all those crazy monkey sounds. Then suddenly, out of the blue of the red desert, one of them shot out and towards the stegosaurus. This one seemed a bit different. Whilst the others all had fur of a dark brown complexion, much like a dairy milk bar, this one had lighter fur, more akin to the colour of a milky bar. This one ran up and around the stegosaurus with a great rush of speed. The big spined dino couldn't turn around too fast as it was fat from eating all of them high calorie leaves. Before it could do anything, the blonde monkey man had reached the tail of the dinosaur and had jumped and grabbed on to it. The dinosaur got even more pissed off and tried to fling the monkey man off with great urgency, but he clung on and on, like a shit that just wont nip itself off even when you really want it to. The dinosaur, in one final heave of exasperation flung its tail around as hard as it could, and despite the monkeys decent upper body strength, it could not hold on and it was flung over the rock that Luna was hiding behind, and out of sight of the dinosaur or the tribe. Luna turned around, having her eyes follow the monkey man and she clambered down off the rocks to his side. She rolled him over from his landing position on his front. He opened his eyes, clearly in a great deal of pain and made eye contact with Luna. He looked confused and bewildered and started to reach out to her. But before he could get near touching her a humungous boom was heard and most of Luna's field of view suddenly converted to black. The giant black rectangle, now merely a couple of feet away from her, had engulfed the monkey man, and Luna was forced back from it by the maddening howling sounds that it made. The howling seemed to come from inside Luna herself and the rectangle seemed to grow and grow, eventually taking up almost all of her view. She closed her eyes and braced for death when the howling was overcome by the sound of one of the monkey men. "THAAAAAAAAG!" it seemed to cry in pain and grief. Luna opened her eyes and the monolith was gone, and with it, the blonde haired monkey man was gone too. Luna was just about to get up and go over to where he had been on the ground when she felt herself sink into the earth and fall through the ground into the infinite cosmos of the universe.

This decent through the confusing whirlwind of the unknown was short lived though, and before she knew it she was back in her room in her house in Ireland, fully grown. The room was quaint and interesting. The roof was covered in posters so that Luna could be entertained visually from the comfort of her own bed. There were posters of her favourite old music bands, and of animals, and films, and tea, and potatoes of course, although they were more there due to her dad's insistence as it meant standing up for her Irish potato heritage. The walls were as covered as the roof and were in essence one big large bookcase, partially filled with books and pratially filled with CDs and DVDs. Luna looked through them all nostalgically and saw various titles such as The Godfather, Alien, Tekken, Ligeti's Greatest Hits, and The Wooden Shoe album. Her tastes were as varied and unpredictable as her behaviour and she wouldn't change anything. She opened one of the books that she had on her shelf, McCarthy's Bar, but when she opened it she noticed that the pages were all blanks. "Eh?" she said, aghast at this deprival of sweet precious literature. Just then she heard a massive howling and looked out of her window. She saw the monolith rise out through the roof of the hut which was had a few small birds surrounding it. After a few seconds she saw X run out fo the house towards the hut and the birds flew away or fell out of sight. "Pandy? Pandy?!" she heard X say. As he had built the house, they windows were excellent at letting sound travel through them. He was great with wood, but a bit shit with glass, but nobody ever ordered glass puppets so it was okay. Luna turned and started towards the door to go down and see what had happened. "You will not learn anything down there" a voice said behind her. She turned around and saw Dumbledoor sat on her bed. "But...you're…-" she started before being interrupted. "Dead?" he said, "maybe so, but so was your mother and she was just taken there while you were looking at that book." "Why are you here? Why is this happening?" she asked as she sat down. "I'm here to warn you of something" he started, quite casually really, "there will be two paths that you can go by tomorrow. The rest of them will wish to take the easy road, but in the long run, there is still time to change the road you're on. You must all double back on yourselves and take the road through the caves that you past shortly before you got to this safe cave. It may appear dangerous, but a few hundred feet ahead on this path is a fork, and if you travel there tomorrow you will meet the city guards and then you will be doomed." he explained, taking a puff out of his mighty long pipe. "What How can you know any of this?" she asked as she sat down and tried to take it all in. Dumbledoor just laughed, "you are currently thirteen years in the past, in your room in Ireland after your mother has just died, outside there are bird versions of you and Rincewind that have just flown off, you just saw your great x50 uncle Thag being taken by the monolith as well. And you ask me how I know about the guards around the corner?" She started to take this all in as he continued to laugh and laugh. He finally stopped laughing just as it was getting awkward and leaned in. "There is one last thing to mention" he started, "you cannot mention to anyone that you saw me. There is a traitor in our midst, in the camp, and you must be careful, his name-" and Dumbledoor was interrupted by the darkness. Luna was finally asleep and was being woken from this natural sleep. She looked up, still hearing Dumbledoor's words in her ears and saw Neville standing over her. "Thank heavens you're okay. I was worried that you were having another one of your dreams. I always worry about what could happen to you in them." he explained, looking to be very scared. "Uugh" she groaned as she started to come around, "we need to go a different path, it's not safe" she said in a sleepy murmur. "I don't think that's such a good idea" said Neville, "we're short on supplies and this way is so much quicker. C'mon now, off to sleep and forget about all this nonsense and let yourself calm" he insisted, moving swiftly on. Her mind wanted to explain about the guard ahead and everything, but her eyelids agreed with Neville and she fell asleep again into more restful RAM sleep.


	44. Ye'll Tak' The High Road

**Chapter 43 - Ye'll Tak' the High Road**

Sunrise broke through the trees and into the camp cave. The beams of day were primed and ready to ease anyone from their sleep. To provide a soothing start for the day. But today instead they would be disappointed. In this cave, there was nobody left. The remnants of the fire were scattered amongst the bushes, and all of the litter had been responsibly placed in nearby bins with the recyclables separated and dealt with appropriately. Following the sunlight into the cave came the guards, led by Hans. They reached the cave that they believed to be the one in use by the gang but they were gone. "Nobody here" one of the soldiers said, "looks like there's been nobody here in ages." Hans stepped off his horse and got down on the ground and sniffered about. "If nobody has been here recently then how do you explain this leaf" he said smugly, standing up at the end and holding fourth a leaf. "What about it?" said the guard like an ignorant prick. "This leaf, private, was pressed by a boot and so was that one next to it. This indicates that the boot was facing in the western direction and away from the cave. If we consider the lily here, we will notice that some of the leaves next to it have been troddled on in a similar fashion. This indicates to me that they have left here and wandered outward from the cave and into the wood." he continued wandering about. "If this is true, then there should be-" he said before interrupting his elf with his genius, "hellow there!". He bent down towards a bush and prodded around the ground. "Ashens" he said, "and still quite warm too". The gourds then looked around each other and realised that they weren't too far away.

"I still think this is a waste of time" said Neville, being a slightly moany friend as he carried more than his fair share of luggage through the forest. "If she had a premonition in a tropical fruit dream then we must take it seriously" said Sirius who took in this seriously. "But I thought that they could only tell about the past" explaned Neville, "what business do they have informing the future?" "Patience my child, we are better safe than sorry" replied Sirius, and Neville settled the fuck down. The woods were dense and deep but they were nearing the end of them and could see a clearing up ahead. Once they reached the clearing they saw the entrance to a cave system. "This is the one" said Sirius, "this should lead us up to just below the summit. Once we reach there we just need to climb the final stairs and we will be in a safe space." The cave looked really intimidating, like if prime Shaq was a cave.

"Fuck this shit" said Neville, both scared and unusually dismissive of this, "how is Seamus even going to manage? Have you guys thought this through at all?" They had not thought of the profoundly handicapped, but they trusted the tropical fruit dreams and had to figure a way. "I'll just carry him using the power of my amazing biceps" said Ron which made Hermoine blush and feel giddy. "Fine then" said Neville, who then agreed to go into the cave. Once inside the cave they were greeted with an amazing display. The pitch black of the cave was broken up by clusters of blue glowing shiitake mushrooms. They looked too radioactive to be delicious and despite Rincewind's culinary excitement, sensibility and maturity got the better of him. "This is bitchin" said Ginny who was excited. Upon the sound of her voice echoing out there were other sounds that replied. Lots of little sounds of feet scurrying about the place, awakened by her voice. The large group all paused still in their feet and listened to these steps. From every direction the sounds of movement were heard and as the group looked around they saw lots of little holes and burrows in the walls and ceiling, and from these burrows started to crawl short humanoid beings. Sirius signalled to the younger children to hide behind a big rock that was behind them, close to the cave entrance. As sign language had been taught shortly after puberty classes, these kids all understood what to do, and after they quietly crept off, the main group were left, wands at the ready, and waited. The beings crept closer to the middle of the opening. They were weird grey beings that were quite short and smelly, like children, and they could not see, like blind children. They relied on their hearing skills which were excellent. They all looked like shit, which was fine as they couldn't see, although if any of them could see then they would have wished that they were blind because they'd be like "Damn Brenda, all these years we been fuckin and I thought you were a babe, now I see you look like some creepy goblin muthafucka." The group all backed into each other, all facing out from a singular point in the middle and kept perfectly still. The goblin dudes all wandered around, listening intently, waiting for their queue to attack and get some fresh meat. But all they heard was either dripping from the stalactites in the cave, or the faint hum from the glowing mushrooms. They started to turn around, ready to go back into their weird caveholes, calling the whole thing a false alarm, like when the Mayans said that the world would end in 2012, but they were wrong and it was actually 2016 instead. "Achoo" said Neville, clumsily having hayfever that was set off by the illuminated fun guys. The goblin dudes all stopped again and listened. This time they heard the echo of the sneeze, aural indications that snotters and bacteria were present in the air. They started to walk back to the circle.

They closed in, stepping slowly towards the group, listening for any sound, sniffing for any sweat, tasting for any blood in the air. These creatures were the falmer. They had once been normal dudes, but after being unfarelly grounded underground for so long they eventually went mad and lost their eyes and got smaller and fed purely on algae, glowing mushrooms and the odd fish. Every now and then they would luck out with a skeever, cow, or small llama falling into one of their caves, or in the case of today, some unlucky travelling kids, and Rincewind and Sirius who were two grown men with independently cool beards. They closed in further, salivating at the thought of eating people. Rincewind felt a surge, this time it wasn't poop running down his leg, this time it was courage. "Glacio circular" he shouted as he waved his wand and struck all of the falmer around the circle. This was a spell that he had recently learned and it was meant to make them all freeze solid into blocks of ice. But this didn't work, well not really. Instead, they all felt suddenly very cold and distracted. They drooped their spears and started to shudder and ran off into their holes to get blankets and stuff like that. "Quick, before they reheat" said Sirius to the behind the rock bunch and they all ran on and out of that part of the cave. After a few different passageways, some of which were tight to the extent of requirinig single file manouvers, the end was nearly in sight, except this time there was one more thing in front of the exit and in their way. A giant, black bear.

The bear was fast and sound asleep, presumably after a hard day of munching on various berries, pickanick baskets, and any folk that decided to come and be where they shouldn't be. The bear had positioned itself perfectly so that she was right at the exit to the cave, so that the brief warmth of the sunlight could bathe her face. "Fuck, what's the plan now?" asked Harry. "I'm not sure at all" said Sirius with a very serious tone, "I don't think we can get past this until she moves." Ron's fear of spiders and dark stuff left him in a scared state which was now effectively preventing him from being bulked now. The kids were now all having to carry cripple Seamus between them as Ron's bicep had reduced back to that of someone who was only a bit strong. "Well, the only issue with that is that we don't know how much time we have left to-" started Luna before she was interrupted by a sound. This sound was of footsteps and loud chattering. These steps were from armoured boots and were coming from the cave clearing that they had just come from. "Quick" whispered Hermione who then led them all over to the wall, where the light barely penetrated (lol again) the room. After a minute, the sounds got louder and louder and soon, ten guards entered the room. "See I told you there was fuck all in here" one of them said. "I know, but the boss says to go, you go. What's up with you anyway?" one replied. "Nothing, it's just that my younger brother is out there fighting dragons and what do I get? Guard duty?" he replied. "Shut up you idiots" another guard said, "there's a big fuckoff bear up ahead and I don't plan on having my bones used as toothpicks or any other sort of dinner utensil thankyou very much." This guard was both sassy and correct. "Let's just fuck off outta here" said an impatient man from the guard troupe. He was tired of being ordered around by their new leader Hans and just wanted to go home and drink until he forgot who he was. He started to walk over to the exit and everything seemed okay. As he neared the bear, it remained asleep and it didn't seem to care about any guards or shit like that, so some other members of the guards joined in and followed. "No you fools!' said the guard who spoke sense about the bear, "you will get yourselves all killed. The other guards just laughed at his reasonable comment like the fools that they were, and that he had identified them as. As they were laughing and walking, they weren't paying attention to their feet as they were utter pish at multitasking. One of the guards had his feet go on a wander, with him attached. They were still aiming towards the exit of the cave, but part of his foot landed on something that wasn't the floor to the cave. This was something soft and furry. As he looked down he saw to his horror that he had trod on the bear's ear, and this had woken up the bear who was now pissed at this ear stepping wanker. As the bear stood up, the guards all stopped what they were doing and turned to face it. Upright the bear must have been at least ten feet tall and plenty damn wide as well. It had all the muscles and strenght of Captain Arr at his peak bulk, but the bear lacked definition. Instead, it more than made up for it with a combination of sheer bulk, and massive spiky claws that flew out of its fingers. The bear yawned and then let out a massive roar, spraying mouth juice at everyone. Then in one swoop it sent all of the guards that were trying to sneak past it flying into the walls. Some of them were impaled on stalgamites, some had their heads cracked open, and some were killed from the shock straight up. There were now far fewer people in the cave. A bear, a guard, and the former Gryfindoors.


	45. And I'll Tak' The Low Road

**Chapter 44 - And I'll Tak' The Low Road**

The bear now stood in front of everyone, angry and confused, like when you're sure that there's a couple of handfuls of popcorn left in the bowl but you reach and get nothing but unpopped kernels and your gf is sitting there with her face full of popcorn, trying to act natural. "Oh shit!" said the sensible guard as he backed up towards the opposite wall. The bear automatically grouped him with the other idiot guards who were now plattered about everywhere, and the bear started to walk over to him. One step at a time, in a walking motion, the bear walked over, slowly and deliberatetley. The guard, pacing backwards felt a wall behind him, and looked around to see that he had backed into a corner. This was it, he thought, this was his time to die. He started to have that internal montage of all of his life events when he heard a loud sound. "FLIIIIIPENDO!" shouted Harry as he stepped forward and waved his stick at the bear. The bear turned to see the sound but it was too late for it to do anything and it was sent flying back into the back wall of the cave and knocked out. "What the fuck are you doing Harry?" asked Dean Thomas of all people, "now you've given this dude a chance to kill or report us." The man looked over at the now revealed and obvious Hogwards students and saw them for what they really were. They were realistically just as scared and confused as he had been feeling recently and in this unspoken silence he felt a strong human connection. "Look" he began, "I'm not going to do anything to you. You have saved my life today, and my kids and wife will not have to live on without a father and husband due to this. I care about my job, but one day in life you will lose someone that you love and everything else will feel insignificant. Thank you for keeping my family from feeling this way, and for helping me comfortably realise how insignificant this whole conflict is. There is no war on the horizon, it's all poopycock. There's just a whole bunch of people just trying to get by." The former Gryfindoors all looked bewildered. They expected him to be a mindless drone dude but he spoke sense and seemed genuinely nice. "What shall we do now then?" asked Sirius. "You continue on through the exit there and on your way. Soon the rest of them will be here and they'll be asking questions, but all I saw was a bear that wiped out all of my group and I am lucky to be alive. There's no way that you guys could have been in this cave with that thing there." he said. "Thanks sir, is there any way we can pay you back for this?" asked Hermione. "I guess you can buy me a beer if I see you guys again. The name is Paul btw" he said as he waved them off, "now go, run!" and they ran just as they started to hear the sounds of the guards enter at the furthest side of the cave.

Outside the cave they closed the cave door which was entirely indistinguishable from a rock and looked up the hill. This hill was mighty and grand and rose up from the earth and touched the sky like when ET fingered Elliott. "Wow, would you look at that" said Esk. She had never been here before in all of her life. Back in the discoworld part of the world it was pretty damn flat, even the slightest of undulations would be a cause for concern. She had taken a while to overcome these experiential deficiencies and had gotten used to the ideas of hills and slopes, but now she had the biggest mountain in the land. Her mouth lay open and she wasn't the only one. All the students opened their mouths and stared. The immediate path seemed sensible, with stones and a handrail in places, but up from that was a series of rocks and deep snow and ice. This path was trecherous. "Right, we need to get going" said Sirius who started to lead the group up the stairs. The stairs were long and steep and mysterious, like a scooby doo villain. As each step was stepeed it grew colder and colder and it became harder and harder to stay warm. After what felt like a lifetime of climbing steps, the steps suddenly stopped. "What is this?' asked Hermione, her common sense failing her understanding of this abrupt end. "Shit, this is what I feared." said Sirius, "there's been an icevelanche, we need to go around this to make it around the other side to the rest of the stairs." They all seemed skeptical and scared. "I'll go first" said Sirius, "and then I'll need volunteers to follow." So he went first and the rest of the children, and Rincewind who was a legal adult with facial hair and all, watched in wonder. Sirius slowly edged his way around the iceberg that was wedged in the mountain. The regular stepped path was near the edge of the mountain but still had a bit of a gap at the side before you reached the edge. This path around the iceberg afforded no such luxury. With only about 2 feet wide of path, Sirius kept his wooly body placed firmly against the cold iceberg. His face drooped several degrees of temperature and he felt his skin sticking to the ice, but he daren't move away from the bloody cold surface, lest he fall to certain death. The width of the path slowly widened after a while and he was at the other side. He didn't want the others to know how much he had been shitting himself but it was considerable. "Alrgith guys! You can come round now!" he shouted to the rest who were now having to face the Ledge of Destiny.

First was Harry because he was brave and really not that bothered by the idea of dying. He stepped on the path around the ice and felt that it was not as secure as the steps. He pressed his warm young face against the ice and felt it stick to his youthful complexion. Oh how he regretted his moisturising habits now that he was starting to stick to the ice. But he could not let everyone down so he repeatedly peeled his face off the ice and continued on. Thanks to his slight build he made it around quite easily. Ginny was next and although she did not have Harry's petite frame, she had all the confidence and swagger in the world and basically just walked around the ice ledge like it was nothing. But her girth had placed pressure on the already weak ledge and little did anyone know that it was much less stable than before. "Who next" shouted Sirius. "Fuck this shit, I'll go" said a voice from the back of the crowd and Lee Jordan stepped up to the plate. (AN. This is just a saying alright, there is no real plate here. Did you think this was a fucking restraunt or some shit?). He peered at the path ahead and was intimidated all over. But he ran his hands through his dreadlocks for luck and stepped onto the ledge. The ledge was cold but did not stick to his skin for some reason. It was thought that this was maybe because he was black and the ice didn't know what to do with it. He took his big foot and place in further up the narrow ledge and felt the ground move a bit. There was a noticeable cracking sound heard from underneath and everyone paused. To their combined horrors the cracking sound was the rock under Lee's foot and with the rock came the part of the ledge he was on and with that went Lee, falling down off the mountain and to his immediate and obvious death.

After a few seconds in stunned silence they heard the thud from down below as Lee's body hit the rocks. The faint echoing of this pleased only the vultures and seagulls that could now feast on his plump body. Captain Arr took a few steps over to the ledge and saw for himself the damage that had been done. "Shit balls!" he said loudly and punched the ice, cracking it slightly, "nobody can bridge this gap!". People started to panic. With the chase still very much being on, they only had a short period of time before they would be caught, but as for now they had no way of getting past this gay ass ice. "I have an idea!" shouted Hermione, using her brain, "Harry, how is the ground over there?". "Quite soft really" replied Harry, "the lucius powder crinkles lightly underfoot, like a bed of soft cold pillows." he replied. "Okay then, can you pile it up nice and deep for people to land on?" Hermione beckoned. "Land on?" everyone all said at once. "Yes, land on" she confirmed, "When Ron throws you over". People all looked skeptical, but this was better than the what lay their way if they just hung about here like tits. "I guess it is our only option" said Esk, "I volunteer myself to go first. I have confidence in the Captain." and these words made Ron feel good and thicc and his muscles grew with his pride. "Heeeugh!" he said as he chucked her over the ice. It was as though she was flying, soreing gracefully in the air like a beautiful mallard, when she came crashing down to the ground below. Luckily the ground was as heavenly soft as Harry had exclaimed and her landing was pillowed. "I am okay!" she shouted to everyone's relief and after a brief cheer Ron started to throw the rest over. Some people landed better than others, some had excellent style in the air, pulling poses or doing flips, and some people, like Neville, just kinda flailed about and belly flooped, but they were all okay. "Now what" said Ron, taking a breather after having thrown the last person over the ice. "Now...I guess you have to figure a way over yourself." said Esk. People hadn't thought this far ahead. Ron couldn't throw himself over the ice, that would have required the presence of another Ron, and another one to throw him over, and another one, and another one, and it would have just been a neverending stream of Ron's throwing Rons over the ice and it would have been impossible, unending and a bit boring. "I know" said Hermione, being logical again, "since you are bulked up, you won't fit through the gap in the ice from where Lee Jordan fell through. You are also strong enough now to grip and to make it over safely. Use your bulk Ron!". And everyone got behind this and started chanting "Use your bulk! Use your bulk!". Ron wasn't as confident but fed of the chanting and bulked up further and made his way to the ledge. After a few steps he felt the strong wind blowing against his humungous cheeks and into his ears, deafening the roars of the other students. It was then that he looked around and took in his surroundings. "What am I doing?" asked Ron to himself, wondering just what he was doing. He was inches, or centimeters in new measurements, away from the abyss and clinging for dear life on this ice, and a few feet ahead lay the gap. He summoned all of his strength and edged on. Once at the gap, he looked down. It was a very long way to fall from here and Ron didn't want to die. He felt fear, he felt scared. He gulped, but put out his foot and with a mighty stretch reached over the gap and planted it on the other side. He felt more relieved and with that he pushed off on his other foot which was still on the original side of the gap, but doing so caused that ground to give way. Ron was now one foot in the air, one foot on the right side of the gap and clinging on for dear life with his hands and arms. The fear started to creep more and more into him and blocked out the confidence that he had gained from the chanting, and with one last push to get himself over the gap he felt the muscle gain start to vanish. He had become a scared little ginger boy on an iceberg and didn't have the strength to make it. As people screamed to their terror they could do nothing for Ron who fell down into the crevasse.


	46. Onwards And Upwards

**Chapter 45 - Onwards and Upwards**

People, stunned and flabbergasted in the wake of what happened all stopped what they were doing. There was no cry from the crack, there was no sign of life for Captain Arr, the lovable ginger was gone. Everyone was crying, at least those who had tears left after this shit year. "We can't stay here" said Esk, "lest we all end up meeting similar fates." Esk's semi-determinist waxings started to spur people into continuing. "Nay" said Hermione, "my life is over, my world is without a glimmer of hope. Go on without me, for my sun and my stars have gone out, faded into the-" and then her spiel was interrupted with the sound of a drying pan on the back of her head. "We don't have time for her shit" said Ginny who put her trusty frying pan back in her bag, and they all dragged Hermione's unconscionable body further up the hill.

The cold and icy winds and the fogs of the cold were nipping at their fingers and toes. The stairs continued upwards and upwards, never seeming to end, until they did. They all stopped and looked up and were faced with something amazing and incredible. It was a big fuck-off door that could presumably be opened. On either side of the door were these two massive stone stautes of giant dragons with beards on their faces to show how old and ancient they were, like grandma but scaly. The rocks to the side of the doors were now so deeply crinkled that they showed the age of this place. The deep cracks in the mountain face were like Bruce Forsyth's foreskin wrinkles, dry, deep, and untouched for presumably thousands of years. There was clearly no other path than to go in the door. "Should be go in the door do you think?" asked Neville, trying to stimulate conversation. "Fuck yeah!" said Sirius, who then led the group into the building at the top of High Hrothgar.

Once inside, the cold frosty air of the outside left them alone. The air knew better than to come in here where the old wise men would kick it's airy butt back down the hill from whence it came. Inside was lit by big roaring fires that also heated the room as fires do. There were no windows here, as this building was built before windows were even an idea. When the first of the wise old men started to construct this magnificent rock hard erection, they did not think that they would one day like to gaze out at the land below. It was ultimately lucky that they did not have this thought, as if they did build windows they would be able to see precisely fuck all apart from wind and snow and rocks and shit. Maybe the occasional mounting goat would pass by and be all like "mornin' chaps, just on me way out to the farm" but that would be all that they would get. Directly down the hall stood a giant woody wooden table, with legs. Next to the table were seats for people to sit on when they were at the table. "Please, take a seat" said an old and feeble voice that was still somehow really strong and manly. The group all did as they were told like good kids, and grown men with beards as was the case with Rincewind and Serious. "We rarely have visitors in these parts of the world" continued the voice as it was now quieter and coming from around the corner, "what brings you up our big ol' hill? What do you wish to gain from our many centuries of experience and knowledge of the world?". "We seek board for the night, then to contact our troupe of homies to continue our quest with." said Sirius, "We come bearing some nice pies from Whiterun as payment." "Oooh, nice, they'll do a treat" said the old man who now came around the corner mincing a bit at the thought of the crunchy pastry. As soon as his eyes laid to Sirius he stopped in his path and said "oh, that troupe". The two grown men nodded at each other and the old man calmed down as he grabbed his pie. "You may make yourself comfortable" he said as he looked at the ragtag bunch of chaps, "is she okay?" he asked pointing his wise old finger towards Hermoine. "Yeah, her bf got killed and she became a drama queen over it so we knocked her out" said Harry. "Fair" said the old man, "bitches be cray", and the gang all nodded in agreement and went off to get comfy.

As Rincewind lay in his stone bed trying to go to sleep he was kept awake by his discomfort. Rumour has it that the wise old men up here slept on stone beds to prevent the want for masturbation or sex, not that sex would be possible up here unless they made the beast with two backs with each other which was against the rules of both man and god. Rincewind was also kept awake by another thing, through the wall from his bed he overheard a conversation which seemed innocuous at first, like a loaf of bread at the shop, but this loaf seemed fishy, like it had bits of fruit in it or something, so Rincewind listened in closer. "Is it really you after all these years?" said Sirius through the wall. "Yes, 'tis I. You have aged considerably my old pal.", said an old man. "Aye, and you too" replied Sirius, "Gandalf the Greybeard, I thought you were dead." "Nonsense" replied the old man, "I was merely up here napping and watching over the world. I fear for the future of it all you know." "How come?" asked Siri. "Something is happening out there which is not within my reach or grasp." said a solemn Gandalf, "I don't think that Snape and those cunts are doing it either. At least I doubt that they have that ability." "Then who could it be?" asked Sirius. "Only time will tell I'm afriad". And Gandalf went off to hit the hay for the night as Rincewind lay scared and apprehensive for what was to come.

Nobody was to have restful sleep that night as it turned out, a howling was heard from outside which rattled everyone's bones to the core. Esk wound up knocking on Neville's door to stay with him for sweet company, although they could not overcome the discomfort of the stone beds to make sexy penetrations. Luna was stood up on her feet and looking out of the window out towards the horizon. The storms had calmed for the night and had went to bed themselves and with this relative calm of weather Luna found that she could see for miles. By this stage, the howling was scaring her less and less and she found herself more intrigued than anything. She looked out and saw the faint twinkling of the city lights below. This view reminded her of her first and only holiday as a child. Her parents had insisted that they went out to some stupid fucker's wedding. Apparently it was a good carer move for Pandy so Luna was draggered along like a mafia snitch behind a car, but in the car due to child cruelty laws. "Are we there yet?" she bemoaned from the back, bemused and bothered by the hot car's lack of air conditioning and just general entertainment. "We won't be there for another few hours" said X, sick of these torturous inquisitioning. Luna harrumphed back into her chair and looked out the window. She watched the world go past in all its majesty. She had never really travelled further than the local village for crops or learning until now, and she was starting to understand the sheer scale of the world, or at least Monaghan. She looked down at her bag of things and saw her favourtire puppet. Her dad had made this for her for when she was born, whittling away with a song in his heart while his wife screamed in agonising discomfort pushing Luna out of her befevered and gaping hole. Luna had always had this puppet as a friend as she lived so far away from the other kids in the local village. She turned again to the window and started to imagine. She imagined that the puppet was real and was running about, keeping up with the car, and jumping over the obstacles that she saw out of the window. The puppet would run along the hedges, maybe slip behind the buildings and reappear at the other side. Luna started to drift off and fell asleep. Her dreams in her childhood were traumatic, her parents tried to get her therapy for this as a child but nobody knew what to do so they gave up on her. She dreamed about being on a rock in a giant lake of fire and lava with the face of a man wearing a skull above her, laughing at her discomfort. The rock she was standing on started to crumble away and eventually the last shard of stone that she stood on gave way and she fell into the fire and woke up. "Aaaaah" she screamed which caused her parents ot pull over the car at a safe and reasonable point. "What the devil happened?" asked Pandy in a state of worry. Luna just cried. X said "it was just another dream, we need to continue or we'll be late to the wedding, the traffic in Hull is ridiculous this time of year. And so without much love or care from them, they continued driving off, Luna too scared to fall asleep. In real time Luna wasn't too scared to fall asleep, yet she still couldn't, something felt unfinished, so she continued to watch the city. When her and her family first entered Hull it seemed like some metropolitan wonderland to Luna. There were loads of buildings and skyscrapers and fantastic things. Shops were all over the place, and cafes and pool halls and swimming pools. Luna had never seen a swimming pool before and always got them confused with aquariums for some reason. "Here we are then" said X as he stopped the trio in front of a mahoosive building that tickled the toes of the planets in the sky, "The Grand Hull Hotel!" he shouted and they all piled in through the door. After sorting out the boring things like luggage, room keys, breakfast arrangements and the such they moved to the lift to get a lift to their rooms on the 179th floor. Once they were there the left door opened and X and Pandy hopped in and got all their luggage in, but because they had brought so much with them they couldn't fit Luna and they told her to get the next one. But the next lift took ages to come. In the meantime she heard footsteps behind her. It was a tall man in a frightfully well taylored suit. "Why hello there young lady, are you here for the wedding tomorrow perchance?" the man asked. Luna turned around to see him. He had this great big smile on his face that stank of incinserity. "Yes I am sir" she dutifully replied back showing the respect to her elders that good breeding will cause. "Excellent" said the man, "I am a friend of the groom" and the lift binged at it reached the ground floor and the doors opened. "After you," he said ,"onwards and upwards".


	47. The Stirrer Just Got Stirred

**Chapter 46 - The Stirrer Just Got Stirred**

As both Luna and the strange man got in the lift, she felt a sense of forboding, as though something fishy was about to occur. "So you must be Luna then" said the man, "I have heard you are a very special little girl". Luna looked and felt confused. She wasn't special, she was just mildly quirky and being tested for autism. "I'm sure you must be mistaken" she said, "I'm just Luna." "Well" he said with a sarcastic smile, "*just* *Luna*" with air quotes in his fingers, "you are most likely a lot more special than you think you are", and with a chortle he had a mild guffaw as the lift doors opened. Luna scurried out of the lift and hurried along the corridoor, worried what her parents would think that she had curried favour with someone here at the hotel. So she politely ran in a flurry to her room and burst through the door by opening it and started to unpack her personal belongings. She unfolded all of her cloths and filled her drawers. After that she lay on her bed with her puppet held over her head. "Oh Ian, why are we here?" she said to her puppet, who stared woodenly back. "Life is so much more complicated now, I long for a future where I am free from any city. I want to be away from here!" and she cried herself to sleep in her pillows. Luna smiled from the window of High Hrothgar. She remembered how much of a wee shit she could be back then, but she kept coming back to this man in the lift. She never saw him again at the weeding, despite him being a very rememberable face, especially due to the moustache. Luna put all of this aside and went towards bed. Just then a knock came on the doro. "Who is there?" she beckoned to the wooden portal. "Only me" said Rincewind, "I need to talk to you." Luna suddenly realised that she looked a state, like Michigan or something, and quickly put on some nicer pyjames and slippers. "Okay, come in" she called and Rincewind enetered her room. Runcewind came in and sat down, looking a bit nervous and a bit sweaty. "I overheard some banter from Sirius and one of the greybeards." he said, "it's some serious shit". "Lol, what sort of shit are we talking about?" asked Luna, prying without being too emotionally invested at this stage. "One of the greybards is Gandalf Foogray" said Rincewind. Luna didn't look like she cared too much about this. "He was one of the greatest wizards ever. Nobody has heard from him in years, everyone back where I came from assumed he was dead." he continued. "So what is he doing here?" replied Luna. "I think he's here about the howling. From what he was saying I don't think even he understands what is going on with it, and he doesn't think that it's down to Snape and the rest of them." Rincewind continued. "Well of course not silly!" said Luna with a giggle, "Snape and Luscious don't have such power." "Then who is in control of it" asked Rincey. "I'm not sure if anyone is" said Luna, "I think that it's the universe defending itself from its inhabitants. It's like antibodies getting ready to neutralise all that is wrong." she continued. This thought was not reassuring to Rincewind in any way. "So what are Snape and that doing then?" he asked. "I'm not sure, but I doubt that the universe is too happy with it." Luna said, getting sleepy. "I was also wondering, since you've stopped by if you could do me a favour and have another tropical fruit dream. I've been thinking back to something and need a second opinion." Rincewind readily agreed and lay down, took a big pineapply gulp and fell into sleep.

He was dressed from head to toe in a grey suit, with a grey hat. The only slight hint of any colour was in the brim of the cap which was red velvet. He looked over to his left and saw Luna dressed in the same way. They looked at each other very confused. They had expected to be birds or something again, but this time they were apparently just themselves. "Oi you buggers! Get back to fooking work" came a big voice from the other side of the room. Across this room which was like a big hotel lobby, because it was, was a big grizzly woman who was an insult to any beast with nostrils. They instantly recognised her. She was the lunchlady from Hogwarts. "We aint payin you fuckers to do sweet fuck all. You were told to have those rooms cleaned half an hour ago. The guests will be checking in soon fucktards". She seemed somewhat calmer and more genial now than when she was at Hogwarts. The duo did as they were told and went towards the lift. "Oi fuckwits! You lazy cunts taking the lift again? You know that's for guests only! And take your cleaning shit as well" and the two took their shit and started up the stairs. "Nice dream you've got here" said Rincewind in between breaths as they hit the twentieth floor, "I agreed to this because I thought it would be nice to have a fairly relaxing time, not to clean hotel rooms". "Wheesht" she said, "this is what's important. We're currently fourteen years in the past, in Hull, and me and my family will be arriving soon." "And wat? We need to clean the room for them?" asked Rincewind as they continued to climb. "No, there was some big guy that I met briefly then who I never saw again, and something seemed really odd about him, but I need a second opinion to confirm something". And Rincewind just sighed a bit and agreed to continue on climbing up the sitars.

"Are we there yet?" cried Rincewind, feeling the lactic acid burns through his ligaments like a blowtorch through a poorly made creme brulee, not crisping the surface, but searing and ruining its inners. "Almost, these rooms are on floor 180, we're currently at one 170" she replied. Luna was having no issue with this physical exertion. Perhaps this was due to her supreme physical conditioning, or maybe it was more her mental conditioning as she knew that she was in a dream and therefore not needing to be out of breath at all. "Why is it so high up?" asked Rincewind. "It was a huge wedding, CEO of the company that my mum worked for", replied Luna. "What was it your mum did?" asked Rinceinwd. Luna stopped stepping and stared off. Her thoughts raced about like shrapnel out of a cerebral hand grenade, but none penetrated her mind. "I don't know" she said nervously, "I never asked when I was younger and my father never liked to talk of her after the accident." Luna remained frozen at this realisation for a few seconds before suddenly realising the slipping passage of time and continued up the stairs. By this stage Rincewind had had a chance to rest for a few minutes and catch his breath and he was good for energy as he followed her up to the 180th floor.

Once they reached the floor they were greeted with a long corridor with orange and red geometric shapes patterning the carpet which ran on endlessly, breakin the monotony of the clinically slightly off-white paingting of the wall. "Room…" Luna started, trying to read the bumbling fool who wrote the instructions's letter, "16" she finished, and they both continued on down the corridor before arriving at the appropriate door on their right. Luna found the keycard for the door in the box of cleaning supplies and used it to get inside. Once inside they started to have a nosy about. The room seemed both normal and regular, but also pretty damn clean for a room in such drastic need to refreshment. And so they got started on fixing up the last few imperfections with the room. They made the bed, fluffed up the pillows, made the cool triangle in the bog roll, swept up the old biscuit crumbs, replenished the basic tea and coffee supplies, pulled the curtains, and left a surprising mint on the pillow. "I think that's us now" said Luna as she wiped a single beadlet of sweat from her brow. Just then they could hear the sounds of someone coming along the corridor. "Shit shit shit" said Luna three times, "I can't be seen!". "Why not?" enquired Rincewind, "they won't recognise you surely." "I don't know" said Luna, "This person was really really weird and I do have quite the distinctive face and accent". Luna was incredibly self-aware and this stood her in good stead. "Okay, so what do we do?" asked Rincewind, knowing that time was pressing like an iron on a crinkly shirt. "You can leave, possibly even distract them for a bit if they're close, I'll go hide and try and figure out a way out of here." she said in a worry. So Rincewind now knew what he had to do and went towards the door to see how far along the corridor this person was. Just as Rincewind was opening the door to use his nosy eye he noticed that this person in question was a lot closer to the door than he had imagined. Actually, this person was stood right at the door itself.

"Greetings" said the man down towards Rincewind, extending his strong and manly hand for a good old shake, "are you just about finished with my room?". "Ye-ye-ye-yes! In a manner of speaking." replied Rincewind nervoursly, begging his internal self to wake up from this horrendous facade. "In a manner of speaking?" asked the strange man in a rather bemused way. "Well yeah" replied Rincewind, "from a certain point of view" he continued, trying to cover up a ludicrous lie. The man could see through this thinly veiled cover up to the true heart of Rincewind which did beat with bull manure. "Well, let's just see if it is ready from my point of view then" said the man as he barged on past Rincewind in a rude and assertive way. Rincewind thought that his cake was truly cooked now and he awaited the roar of the strange man as he found Luna pitifully trying to find an exit in this closed room. Rincewind close his eyes and wait for the inevitable. But the inevitable did not come as it was truly evitable after all! "Ah, so you call this room ready for my inhabitation?" asked the strange man from the bathroom. "Yes?" questioned Rincewind. "Then why in god's sweet name is the bog roll positioned in an incorrect underhanded layout!" he barked back. This man was a pro and knew how to use the toilet. "I apologise at once" said Rincewind as he went over to fix it and fix it he did. All the while Rincewind was looking around for any faint speckle of blonde hair or the slightest smidgen of that potato-ey smell that comes natural to the Irish, but both were gone from the room. Rincewind shrugged this off and left the room to allow the man to get comfortable in any way that he deemed fit, and in doing so he left the room and entered the corridor again. "Pissed" came a voice. Rincewind thought he was tripping, for there was nobody near who could have pissed at him. "Eh?" he said. "Pissed" said the voice again, this time Rinceinwind used his locationary skills and determined that this pissing sound was coming from above. He cranked his neck upwards to the ceiling and saw to his surprise Luna's face behind a vent. "What are you doing up there?" he asked. "No time to explain, get your ass up here boy and come along." she said. She then opened the vent, reached out with her hands and using the power of her tough tips pulled Rincewind from the groud and into the building's ventilation system.

They crawled along until they were directly over the bedroom vent hole of the room that they had both just been in and cleaned. They put their ears down and listened closely to the scene. "My good man, please come up and see me, I believe we have much to discus" said the man in the room to someone on the phone. He then put the phone down and poured himself a glass of wine, it sounded like an expensive red. After a minute the door opened and the man greeted his visitor. "Nice to see you, please do come in.". The man wandered over and sat down next to the person who was staying in the room. "I understand you have seen our special visitor" said the new man in a voice thad made Luna recoil in surprise. The man who was talking was X, Luna's dad. Just then Luna looked over to Rincewind and in a moment of silent singularity Rincewind realised what Luna had suspected. This man was the same Mr. Landa who had been chasing them from Whiterun. What was X doing here talking to him? Only time and this conversation would tell. But sadly in real time the dawning light of day snuck in through the window and primordially attached itself to Luna in such a way as to snap her back to reality and have her and Rincewind wake up, both more confused and more awakened.


	48. Welcoming Our New Guests

**Chapter 47 - Welcoming Our New Guests**

As Rincewind and Luna looked over to each other, now awake and lucid, they tried to begin to understand what was going on. Whatever Hans wanted was something that had to have been tied to Luna, something deep within her. Perhaps it was her tough tips, or her quirky mannerisms, but most realistically they both realised that it had to be connected to her tropical fruit dreams. "Luna" started Rincewind, "how long have you been able to have these dreams?" "Ever since I was little" she replied, "it's just been a part of me. I don't really know much more about them other than what you've experienced with me." They looked at each other and felt a deep dread in their stomachs. This dread actually just turned out to be hunger which would be satiated with breakfast.

Everyone sat down at the table to have a big hearty meal of eggs and sausages and the like. The greybeards had vowed to live a simple life, but even the most simple of lifes starts with the most important meal of the day. Harry had a few limp biscuits that he dipped into his tea, allowing Ginny to help herself to his plateful of hash brows and bacon. Hermione just moped about Ron being dead like it was the end of the world. Neville waited until everyone else had eaten before having his breakfast to be considerate towards the needs of others. This considerate nature was growing more and more on Esk who was still recovering from a night of Neville's most considerate night fondlings. Rincewind and Luna ate normally, as if they hadn't actually just realised that perhaps the psychopathic man chasing them up the mountain was linked in some way with Luna's dad. Sirius and Gandhi the Grey sat in quiet retrospection, occasionally sharing stories with each other. After a fairly filling start to the day Gandalf felt his old wizard senses tingle which indicated that something was approaching High Hrothgar. "Sirius, I believe that it is your old friends" he said with a happy look on his face. Sirus stood up and beckoned to the many other students and Rincewind, who like he, was a grown man with a bread, to get up and go to the main hall and await the arrival.

At the main entrance of the building they stood. The high arching doorway drew the eye towards the idea of the outside. Many of the younger students were really really scared now and were trying to keep their shit together, but the older ones who were of greater importance to the story were doing a better job at being brave. "Where are these motherfuckers?" asked Ginny waiting for them to arrive and getting antsy. "They will be here soon" said Luna, "just wait a few-" and then she was interrupted by the creaking sound that indicated that the door was opening. Everyone braced in position, ready and waiting for what would come. It was a group of 3 or 4 or 5 people, dressed like the greybeards in long robes and hoods. They walked into the room and closed the door. "Tis nice to see everyone again" came a voice from one of the robed men which then indicated to the others that they all needed to dramatically take their hoods off now to reveal who they were. They revealed themselves to be Hans, Percy, and Rikke, and one other person who they did not really recognise. He had one real eye and the other eye looked robotic with a big red glow in the middle of it. "I think we should all have a little chitchat over some tea, what say you?" asked Hans to the group. Everyone had wands and guns pointed at each other in a big stale mate. "Or howabout we skip to the end of the conversation and get this over with" suggested Neville, "what will it take for you to politely flip off?". "Give us the girl and we will go on our merry way and even provide you all with lodging in Whiterun" offered Hans, trying to tickle a temptation. "If you want her you need to go through the rest of us" said Sirius in such a way as to get everyone on board. Hans placed his gun back in his holster and sighed. "You know I would have adored a cup of tea as well", and then he placed his hands on his henchmen's shoulders as they put their guns away also. "Will see you after breakfast chaps" he said, before they all faded out of existence. "What in the world was that?" asked Harry. "Holograms" said Hermione from the back of the room where she was still slouched over like a big misery, "they're not stupid enough to come here without an army, they'll be on their way now." And so everyone started to brace for battle. "Gandalf," asked Sirius, "there's no secret way out of here no?". Gandalf just took a sigh and puffed on his pipe, "we're up a mountain, there's ways out on all side but they're all pretty steep."

They group all huddled together in a circle with their back to each other as to collectively face every direction at once and withdrew their wands from their wand pockets and got them at the ready. "If this is the end, then I can say that I die a happy man" said Rincewind out of the blue. The faint sound of rain was broken in the distance by the sounds of hundreds of boots racing up the stairs. "I have been all over the world, had many more adventures than most people who are limited to reading about me in both my official stories and the terribly written fanfictions. This adventure has been one of the most incredible ones to ever happen to me and I'm greatful that I got to spend it with you people. Tell me my friends, if this is the end, then may it come at us after all the blood has left our body, all the will has left our souls, and every single ounce of life and love has been torn from our hearts. Their swords cannot penetrate our spirits!" he shouted. This riled up the rest of the group who got sweaty and ready. The thunderous sound of feet on the steps grew louder as they approached like mormons only more aggressive. Hermione finally stood upright, wiped a tear from her lovely duct and lifted her wand in the air. "For Ron!" she shouted, and the rest of the gang all joined in, "FOR RON!", which was soon interrupted by the sound of the sword butts hitting on the main door.

The force was unrelenting, trying to force passage into the main entrance of the greybeards's mighty house. After a few mighty bangs the door gave way and the army of guards and bad guys were into the building. Ganganf used his staff to make magic and created a large foggy cloud which was like a smokescreen because it was and this meant that nobody could see very well. Spells were suddenly cast from the middle of the room, outwards as the guards started to charge through the smoke. Some of the guards fell then, but most made it to the centre and started to fight and lunge at the students. Harry used his inexplicably strong magic power to fight back and picked off a soldier who was about to kill Neville. Neville acknowledged this with a curteous bow which coincided with another solder's sword swinging. This meant that the sword that was swung missed Neville totally but took out Ernie MacMillan. Rincewind was feeling rather useless here, his ability with dueling spells was pretty shit all things considered and he was only good at running away and hiding, but now he has things to fight for, he just didn't know how. In the middle of his unknowing he wound up in the middle of three angry armoured men. "Looks like this one hasn't even got any fight in him" said one of the men, "stupid old scrote". Another one of the men went to reply but the only sound that came forth from him was "clonk" to everyone's confusion, and even more bizzarely he then fell over. It was then taht it was revealed that the clonking was becuase of Luna clonking him over the back of the head with a large cauldron that had been previously used for cooking soup. Nincewind was suddenly overcome with emotion, like a big bag of chips that had a four year old cover it with ketchup. He used this courage to fire at one of the guards, but instead it fucked up, bounced off the wall, the mirror, the ceiling, one of Luna's incredibly tough tips, and hit the light in the middle of the room, and in that instant the whole battled was thrown into darkness.

The enveloping darkness brought with it a brief respite from the sounds of swords, wands, and boots. The silence did not last for long as the previous sounds returned but this time they were rejoined by some more screaming and what sounded to be hundreds of little footsteps and jumps. The room was still pitch black but Rincewind and the other students and Sirius and Gandalf and all of them started to clock on to the fact that they weren't having to fight any more, something or someone else was doing everything for them. "Loomin Moomin" shouted Luna as she waved her wand which sent a floating glowing moomin out of it and towards the ceiling. The ethereal light of the moomin was exquisite and beautiful, but the chaos that it made visible was anything but. What appeared to be a room full of corpses, mostly guards but a few Hogwarts students started to look differently as you stared towards it. The bodies of the guards were slightly off and after a few seconds of perplexitment Rincewind realised what had been oh so wrong. There were no bodies at all, merely empty suits next to unhanded swords and shields. "What in the hell is this?!" shouted Gandalf the Grey Featured after coming to the same realisation. Just then the light was briefly obscured and a scream was heard from the far right, then the light was obscured again and a scream was heard from the far left. The main door reopened and welcomed two new things. Firstly it welcomed a shitload of more soldiers coming to battle, and it welcomed the passing light of day which illuminated the mystery of the room. The light reflected right off of something fairly large standing by the doorway. "My god what is that?" asked Sirius in amazement and terror, like he had just seen a sex tape of Olivia Wilde and Brian Blessed. Gandalf gasped, "it's been many years since I've seen such a glorious veneer!". Indeed it had been a long time, and although the veneer wasn't as shiny as it would have been if it were not covered with the blood of its enemies, The Luggage stood proud on its baby feet, ready to further defend its master. The new soldiers stopped in their tracks, clearly shitting it and hesitated to go in, The Luggage stood it's ground.

The foot soldiers stepped closer to the luggage which seemed to growl at them, despite only having feet and hinges with which to make sound. The soldiers whimpered in their uniforms, chickens in place of warriors. "What are you fagoots waiting for?" cried a mighty voice from behind them. The group of soldiers parted like a partable thing that was parted and showed a man in the clearing. It was the same man as before with the robotic eye, but now he was shirtless and showing off his intimidating physique. Everyone, both goody and baddy, all admired his ripped upper body that was now on display. Beads of swat glistened on his rippling nipples which were the cherry on top of his firm mountainous pectoral muscles. His abs were rock hard and almost made the stones that constituted the mountain feel a bit envious. His arms were long and also muscular in much of the same way that the rest of his torso was. "My god, will you look at that!" said Gandalf. The group all turned to gandalf like "REALLY BEEATCH?" and he just blushed and said, "well, not in a gay way or anything". The man walked up and through the crowd and reached the luggage. "Is this what you fucking fucktarded fuckwitless fuckwonders have been fucking shitfucking your fucking selves over?" he shouted and then laughed in his hearty chuckle which caused the scars over his muscular man-boobs to bounce up and down. The box growled at the man and he just looked down at it with a sort of "oogly boogly, you don't scare meegly" look. The Luggage snapped at the man who moved faster and quicker than any pure human could do and avoided the snap. After a few more misplaced snaps the man with the robotic eye took advantage of the situation and got himself on top of the luggage like in a rodeo and held the lid shut. Without the use of the lid the luggage was useless in battle. Despite the magnificent number of feet present they were still too short to do any damage at all, and they had no reach whatsoever. "What are the rest of you all waiting for fucknuggets?" he barked at them and laughed some more as the soldiers all ran in now that the luggage was unhindered. "Where the flip are these friends of yours, serious?" asked Neville, getting distraught and cranky. "They said they'd be here by now" he replied, allowing his cool hipsterish demeanor to slip and his worried state to be unveiled. As the men marched in they slowly but surely started to round up and arrest the students. Firstly they captured the students that weren't really important, like the younger kids and the hufflepuffs, then they turned their attention onto the main crew. Hermione gave up on herself like she was giving up on life. Harry was too weak due to his feebly physique, Ginny was too slow due to the many layers that her body had accumulated. Sirius and Gandalf had disappeared into the crowd and were unseen by the rest. Neville had been caught as well and was getting beat up on the ground when Esk ran over to stop him from getting the shit kicked out of him and she was caught as well, although she had managed to stop the uneccesary bullying of her kinda bf. Luna and Rincewind held their ground as long as they could but they were encircled and trapped. "Fuck, this is all shit" said Luna, using her tough tips to push people back as much as they could. Rincewind silently agreed but his body wasn't used to fighting off the wills of hundreds of powerful men and sure, in a few minutes he and Luna also fell to the army.


	49. Welcome To The Machine

**Chapter 48 - Welcome To The Machine**

Gagged and deep in bondage they found themselves on the floor on their knees and surrounded by guards and evil folk. "What a pity" said Hans as he strolled around them admiring his cute cuticles, "I was hoping for so much more fun, but instead it was as if you were trying to beat me at chess with checkers." He chuckled which caused the other people around him to chuckle also. "That's a good one sir" said Rikke who was immediately told to keep her nose out of his arse. One was expected to suck up somewhat but not too much, more like a nose that had a fairly good natural tan instead of the dark brown that you would get with a sunbed or fortnight in Ibiza. Hans continued to circle around like a hungry predator. "What now then bitch?" spat Ginny in a defiant manner consistent with her rebelous and impatient personality. "Well if that's how we're talking then I guess we might have to kill you" replied Hans with a sly smirk. "Ignore that please" cried out Neville in a panic, "She is just highly stressed and forgetting her great techniques for getting past moments like these. I believe we can work this out and all walk away happy" continued Neville like a big inexperienced manbaby. "Stop it pussyfart" said Rikke, "you lot aren't getting away with what you've done!". This raised questions in Rincewind's mind which was racing at the speed of a very fast car on a racetrack that would make driving at such speeds appropriate and legal. "What we've done?" asked Harry, "what have we done that has warranted this?". "Don't play the innocent prick with me" snapped Hans, breaking stride, "you have been harbouring a terrorist in your company, one who is capable of great acts of terror, hence the name". "I bet he's talking about Ginny with her farts" said Fred and George with a chuckle to each other. They also looked at each other and nooded to each other that symbolised that they would high five each other if they weren't all wrapped up like buffoons. "No you spatulent fools! It is she!" said Hans really loosing his temper and pointing his big german finger at a girl with salad cream hair and tough tips. Everyone gasped in disbelief! "Poopycock!" shouted Sirius, "you think Luna is a fucking terrorist?". "Yes, and I believe that she is planning to destroy all of us if we don't stop her." replied Hans, regaining his composure and focusing back on his well manicured fingernails. "Luna," started Rincewind, "is this true?". Luna didn't reply for a second, thinking it over, "of course fucking not, this is absolute slanderous bullshit! I don't have any idea how he knows-" and then she was interrupted, "oh Luna, I think we both know that you remember me. I've been keeping an eye peeled out for you for many years now. Watching. Waiting. Lurking in the shadows and preparing to make my move when you started to show dangerous potential. It is only now, as the sun rises on the most glorious mountain in the land, that I make the call and decide to capture you as the lethal weapon that you are. How I have waited for this day and dreamed of how it would go. But, I must tell you, in truth it is a lot more grandiose than even I could hope for." Nobody replied to this, not just because there wasn't really an appropriate reply, but because while he was talking there was a faint ominous rumbly sound and sensation. Everyone, even Hans, started to look concerned. "Gandalf" asked Sirius, "this isn't a volcano or anything like that is it?". Gandalf thought for a minute and replied, "hmmm...I've never heard of it being such a thing but it is possible.". People started to get scared, it all came down to the heart of the land as to whether or not they would live or die. One way or another though, they were going to get off the mountain. The rumblies continued for a couple of more minutes, the ground started to shake. Vigourously the carpets and the drapes shook from side to side at the same speed. The roof started to crumple a bit and the windows started to break. "Rikke, order your men to start to move back down" said Hans who then surveyed the situation. "Looks like this is the end then for you lot" he said, "it isn't quite the way I had planned but fuck it, it will do quite nicely. Plus if anyone asks me I can just say that I caused it. Will make me look quite the bad ass if I don't say so." he said with a great big smile on his face as he guided his men out of the room and started to make their way down from the mountain. The man with the robotic eye carried the luggage using a chain that he had tied over the lid. And as quickly as they had came, they had left, only they had left Rincewind and Co. locked and tied up on top of a mountain about to explode.

They spent the next few minutes struggling to escape the ropes that bound them but there was nothing that they could do to undo the ties or break out. The ropes were thicc. The shaking continued to increase more and more and they were sure they were done. The ground spazzed out at a great strength, particularly in corner of the room nearest the door. Suddenly a giant hole broke through, allowing some of the corpses from the great battle to fall through and down the mountain. Everyone stared over at the giant gaping hole for a few seconds that felt like at least half a minute. A hand then reached up and clung onto the edge of the hole, then another hand, presumably belonging to the same person who owned the other one. This person then slowly raised themselves up and out of the hole and into the room. He was a great hulking gentleman with ginger hair the colour of fire and a look of sheer rage on his face, like had just had to sit through the entire High School Musical franchise in one sitting, and have to pay for the popcorn. "Ron" cried Hermione as if the light has just re-entered her candle, "I though you- I saw you die!". Ron quickly flicked his hair back, knowing how impressive he looked, "You saw me fall darling, but you did not see me die. I fell a few feet down and my life started to flash before my eyes. It didn't take long as I have led a short and reasonably uneventful life and this made me angry. There I was, a young ginger of 17 and about to die. As I got angry I felt myself get hype and bulk up, next thing I know my arms reach out and grab hold of the cliff wall. I started to climb up but the mountain is very feeble and rocks started to fly off as I climbed." he explained. "Aaah!" said Esk, but not in a scream or scared way, "so it was you that was making everything shake?". Ron was about to answer yes but then he realised that if it was true that he was making everything shake then it would have stopped by now. Everyone else realised this at the same time, with the exception of Neville who realised this a couple of seconds later. "Oh fuck" said Esk, answering her own question as everyone started to really panic as the ground continued to shake. Ron started to go around and break the ropes around people, who then in turn went around undoing the ropes around others. After about two minutes everyone was free but still trapped on top of a mountain that was about to give way. "If we go now we might be able to-" started Luna before she was interrupted, but not by any person, but by the fact that the whole building on top of the mountain fell a few feet down before landing again. "Oh" she said, and the whole building started to fall.

They were suddenly plunged into darkness as the walls collapsed and revealed that they were falling deep into the mountain. Apparently the outer walls of the mountain had stood for the time being, but the central core had given way right down to the magma that was starting to bubble up. There was nothing they could do, they were stuck in the greybeard's house as it fell into the volcanic core. A sudden burst of light! The middle of the room lit up a brilliant greenish purple and octarine! The light encompassed everyone and everything in the room as they prepared for death. The religious ones in the room thought of it as the light of the afterlife, the atheists and agnostics just thought it was their brains tripping out to dull out the forthcoming pain. Either way the light drew over them and took over all of their senses until they couldn't hear each other scream, see the room collapse, smell the corpses, or feel the sensation of falling. Nothing but empty awareness in purest soulfullness. This was not death, for death is purest black like the soul of a true goth. This was something else, something magical, hence the octarine. The light grew in intensity until Rincewind had to close his eyes to shield them from the immense physical pain. When he did this he heard the voices of thousands of people singing "aaaaah" without end. They were singing at several pitches and moved between harmony and dissonance at unnoticeable points. He felt like he was listening to the soul of the universe, as if everything that ever existed was united if just for this brief moment. He opened his eyes and he felt like he could see all around himself. Full omnipresent vision! Just a shame it was all octarine light and nothing else discernible. This made Ricewong question why he felt like his vision was different. "Fuck me sideways" he tried to say but he felt paralysed and without a voice, but yet he was calm and serene. Slowly the feeling of unfeeling dissipated after what could have been two second or infinity, although more realistically around thirty seconds. Rincewind's eyes felt like they had never been used and he struggled to come around to see his new surroundings. There were plants and birds and rocks and things. Rincewind felt like he had awoken from a long sleep. He slowly sat upright, making allowances for any pain, but there was no pain. As he looked to his right he could see all of the other students and people from High Hrothgar starting to come around also. Ginny was scratching her head with her big meaty claws, "well that was fucking weird" she said without too much grace, "what was that?". "That was disapperation" said Sirius, "which means that-" and then he was interrupted by another voice that sounded more happy and excited, "which means that y'all lucked out and we came and got you!". Rincewind was taken aback by this and lookded over to see Serious stand up and go to hug a farily tall black man. "John!" he shouted, "long time no see homie". The black man just shrugged gave him and high five and said something cool like "don't sweat it my chilli cheese dawg!" in a way that only really cool black people could manage. Dean Thomas was admiring this cool cat and planning to work on his swagger. "Wait" said Neville, "are you who I think you are?". "Well" said the man, "that depends on who you think I am.". It was apparent that Neville had forgotten to say the name. "Are you John Wall?". The black man laughed, "yup that's me" then everyone realised who he was and who the other mostly black men standing around were. Sirius had called up his old basketball buddies and the Washington Wizards had arrived to save the day. John Wall was famous for having weird and bizarre doorknobs and knockers on his house, including ones that gave small electric shocks if you tried to use them. "We have to say" started Fred and George, "we have always been in awe of your mad handles". John Wall just shrugged and laughed, "aww you guys. But seriously though, we're playing the Lakers in a couple of ours so we gotta run. Haggy is on his way. Catch y'all on the flip side", and just like that he and the rest of the team disapperated again. "What a guy" said Sirius, who then started to get back to the task at hand. "Okay," he started, "this wasn't exactly how I had it planned but here we are. We are currently half a mile outside of Hogwarts and we should be able to get back into the building tonight and release it from the tyranny of Snape." Everyone was behind this plan, but the feeling in the air at that moment was of apprehension and nervousness. "How do you know it will go well?" asked Rincewind. "I don't" replied Serious siriously.


	50. With The Moon Above And The Sun Below

**Chapter 49 - With the Moon Above and the Sun Below**

As the rest of the crew slept soundly, unhampered by guilt in their makeshift camp, Luna could not get to sleep. Terrorist. The word that repeated in her head. Why was all of this happening? She felt that Hans had spoken with such conviction about this that he believed it himself. Luna had been having these tropical fruit dreams for many years but never thought that there was anything particularly dangerous about them, but now she had been having a recurring one related to the death of both her own mother and of one of her ancient ancestors. This didn't quite seem to add up properly to her. She also wondered what Hans and her father could have been doing all those many years ago in Hull. The thought crept through her mind that her father had been preparing her as some sort of weapon, but although he was very weird and quirky, it did not seem to be in his nature. No, it must have been that Hans had him fooled, after all Hans had just tried to have everyone killed. Also, she thought about that fact that Hans, Rikke and the rest of them had ran out of High Hrothgar before it collapsed. She wondered about whether or not they got out alive, and if they would still be coming for them. Luna decided to go for a walk to figure some of this out, she still had a couple of hours before they would be making their move at 3am. Luna headed up the hill, guided by the moonlight, and reached the top. She turned around and could faintly see the light from their little camp which was dwarfed by the humungous field of light in the distance from the metropolitan area surrounding the city of Hull. Luna was amazed by the scale of this area, and it suddenly made the whole world feel both really small, and simultaneously really huge. On one hand it made her feel that her troubles were insignificant in the grand scheme of things and that life would continue on, with millions of other people having their own stories as she sat on the hill. But on the other hand she seriously considered the possibility that the forthcoming events might have a significant impact on the rest of the world. She shivered as her goosebumps surrendered to the chilly air as she turned around. Opposite the grand sprawling megalopolis stood Hogwarts, much closer and up on its own little cliff. The lights seemed dimmer than she remembered and the whole school seemed smaller, but she knew better than to take that for granted. "Couldn't sleep either?" asked a voice coming up the hill behind her. She turned around and saw Rincewind come up and sit down next to her. "Yeah" she replied, "what brings you here?". "I came here a few times when things didn't really make sense to me" he replied looking wise as the trailing moonlight picked out a few silver hairs in his whiskers, "and right now a lot of things don't make too much sense to me." They sat staring out at Hogwarts for a few minutes, listening to the chirping of the birds, the hum of the insects in the foliage and the wind gently rustling the leaves off of the trees. "This isn't going to end, even if we regain Hogwarts is it?" Rincewind asked. "I don't think so" replied Luna, "but at least it will be a start." Luna wanted to try to have a tropical fruit dream then to escape everything for even a couple of hours, but she didn't have any left at this stage and was left in the coldness of her reality. "Do you think I'm responsible for what's happening now? And what happened with my mother and all of that?" asked Luna with a night black tear threatening to depart the duct. Rincewind thought about things for a minute, wanting to give an honest and truthful answer. "I don't know what is happening now and what happened before" he started, "but you must judge yourself by your intentions lest you go insane from the guilt of every accident along the way. I know you, and I know that you had the best intentions along the way, and if even by some freak accident this is really related truly to your abilities, this does not make it your fault." Luna appreciated this honesty and leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder. The world was becoming a difficult and tiring place, yet it still felt like it was unravelling more and more.

After an hour of chilling and making smalltalk they headed back down the hill to the camp to see Sirius, Hagrid, and Esk sitting about, having a cup of tea provided by Hagrid of course, and chatting about the plan. "Oh hey there" said Hagrid, "how are ye lot doing? I hope yer not too badly shaken up by things." Hagrid was a light soul and couldn't fully understand the bleak depths of human suffering, but he tried and god bless him for that. "Not too badly" said Luna, "I take it you guys can't sleep either then?". The planning trio just shook their heads. Sirius sat Luna and Rincewind down and pointed them to the map. "Okay, so we make our move in half an hour, Hagrid still has his staff access card so he can use that to get us into the main grounds, from there we go through the basement tunnels and through to the stairs. From there we should be able to get in, force Snape out and give the catsignal into the sky which will indicate to McGoniggle that all is good for her return." It all sounded feasible but it still left a few questions. "But what about Hans, the howling, and all of that other shit?" asked Luna. "We'll cross that bridge once we've got Hogwarts as a solid base" said Sirius trying to keep the mood positive, "anyway, get your stuff ready as we're moving out soon."

Half an hour later everyone was awake and ready to pounce like Ser Pounce. Hagrid led them along towards the gates into the main grounds. The air was still and silent and their footsteps sounded like massive fuckoff footsteps in comparison. The cast iron gates creaked out of a closed position and into an open one as they opened, showing the open gate into the seemingly open school which was closed to outsiders, although they could now get in. The silence was then further broken by a faint hissing type sound. At first people were scared it was a snek but it turned out to just be rain on the way, and on the way fast. Within about three minutes and 24 seconds they were getting drenched as they made their way to the door into the basement tunnel. "I wish we knew about these stairs when we were vagabonding about earlier" said Harry to the rest of the group who had made a similar journey in chapter 11. They all chuckled as if to say "boy, if we knew that then things might have been quite a bit simpler". As the rain was really loud they felt that they could talk at comfortable volumes without risking being heard. "How have things been at Hogwarts over the past few months then?" asked Sirius to Hagrid. "Argh not too good to be honest with ye" said a pitiful Hagreed with a sigh, "Snape has been running it like a bloody labour camp, no fun allowed, no talking allowed, just work, extra work, and some bonus work for those who get through the rest of the work. Meanwhile and Mighty himself just sits in his office having meetings with people who he deems to be 'important' and eating bratwurst and cheese like some bourgeois halfwit". The school was in need of their help, and they were about to arrive. They reached the stairs to go down to the basement door and stopped to look at each other. "Here we, here we, here we fucking go!" they chanted quietly to each other a few times and were really fucking ready, then they charged stealthily down the stairs and opened the door into the basement. Once they were all in they closed the door and were left in the pitch-black and silent. "Okay," whispered Esk, "the younger students are to follow me and I'll get you back into the old dorms for Gryfindoors". Neville felt his heart sink, "wait, you're not coming with us?" he asked. "Someone needs to look after the younglings, we have the numbers to deal with this. We'll be fine" she said as she leaned over to give him a final kiss goodbye. "Eww...wrong person" said Hermione as it was very dark and then Esk apologised, gave Neville a kiss and made her way up the stairs and into the Gryfindoor dorm with the younglings. "Okay let's make our move" said Rincewind as they started to make their way out of the tunnel. They started to climb the stairs towards the headmasters office, slowly but surely. Some of the paintings started to awake from their slumbers, but noticing what was going on they kept hushed and crossed their fingers hoping that all would go well with the plan. They stopped outside the door and listened closely but could hear no signs of life, or at least life that was awake and doing anything. They tried to open the door but it was locked which was a sensible thing for Snape to do, showing that although he was really evil and cuntish, he still had half a brain. "Oh, I've got this" said Hagrid as he remembered that his staff access card was one of the master cards in case of emergencies. The gang had a wee chuckle to themselves about this and how it would have been much more convenient than removing Filch's finger and placing it in his stupid cat to get in the door. Oh well! Once the door unlocked they slowly made their way inside. The whole place had been gutted out and all of Dumbledoor's leather extravagance had been replaced with oily synthetic materials. The grand candelabra that Dumbledoor presented in the middle of his room was gone, and instead the only light sources were the window which now had no fancy drapes, and a few dimply lit candles. They slowly took in the sights of this drastic change but no matter where they looked they could not see Snape. This was not abnormal as he would be sleeping in the sleeping quarters up the small staircase. They readied themselves, got their wands, swords, and crossbows out and walked up the small flight of stairs. Once they reached the top they did the sensible thing to do and opened the door and revealed the contents of the room which were now available for them all to see. These contents were obviously Snape, asleep in bed like a baby Snape. He almost looked cute in his snakey pyjames and thumb in his mouth. The group all knew what had to be done. Ron and Ginny were to hold Snap down on the bed while Hagrid performed the disapperation spell which would transport them all over to Azkaban where they would then get things straightened out. Ginny waddled around one side of the bed, Ron bulked around the other, and Hagrid leaned over the sleeping devil and took a deep breath as he was about to do the spell. "Did you really think it would be this easy?" came a voice from behind and above them all. They turned around in fright and surprise just to see Luscious, the Robotic Eye man, and Hans all drop down from the ceiling, wands and guns pointed at the crew. "Shall we perhaps have a talk?" suggested Luscious. After they were finished gasping for air out of surprise Hagrid grabbed Snape by the ankle and pointed his crossbow at Snap's head, threatening to kill him. "So it's a stalemate then, what now?" said Hermione, using reason. The robotic eyed man laughed maniacally. Luscious looked over to him and giggled, "I know Bryan, it's hilarious, she doesn't know yet.". And this caused a bead of cold sweat to drip down the backs of all of Rincewind's crew. After a couple of seconds of laughter from the evil dudes the sound of footsteps could be heard coming up the stairs and Rikke and Percy led the young Gryfindoor students, handcuffed and crying into Snape's sleeping room. "What?" shouted Fred and George,"what happened to Esk?". One kid, crying, cried out "she looked out the window and told us she would be back but then she never did and these all came and-" but he was interrupted by the sniffles. "Looks like your dodgy compatriot Eskarina was less than satisfactorally reliable then" Percy chortled in his typical snobbish way. But this time it appeared that he was right.


	51. The Storm Before The Calm

**Chapter 50 - The Storm Before the Calm**

The standoff was intense, like the mutual respect shown between buffalos and lions as they share the watering hole, waiting for each other to slip up, but knowing that neither will necessarily. The hatred in the eyes of Ron, Fred and George, Ginny, and Percy was tragic. They were meant to be united as a family against a greater evil, but they were instead locked in confrontation and tearing the name of Weasley apart. "Percy, it doesn't have to be this way." pleaded Ron, "What are you even getting out of this?". "Well for one they actually treat me like the superior intellect that I certainly am" Percy spat out with a snort and other facial expulsions, "something I never got from anyone else in our blood family who all acted like it wasn't special or good that I was smart. I wanted to be special, but instead I was shrubbed aside for the others because they're interested in dragons, or marry french hotties or shit like that!". It was becoming apparent that Percy was a tormented soul, a dipshit, but a sad one at that. "That can change" said Ginny, "do you think you were the only one singled out in a negative way? Look at me, I was ridiculed for being a fat shit for years. I took it and wore it with pride on my large flabby shoulders. If you come back to us we can work on our differences and be a family again." "But, I can't let you guys get away, not without Luna being arrested and controlled" he replied with his conscience battling itself. "What has Luna done to provoke all of this flipping shi-...ambles" said Neville angrily, but not angry enough that he let his mouth run foul. "She has killed many people, she is the howling in the night and we must stop her or else we will all die!" Hans interrupted, getting impatient. "What a load of shit" said Rincewind, "I know about everything there is to know about Luna that she has told me and shown me and there is no point ever where she has killed anyone!". "Really?" replied Hans, "Howabout your friend Twoflower? Or Dumbledoor? Or even her own mother? Or the countless other people who have met their maker thanks to her." Luna started to cry "I did not do fucking anything, I just...saw it". Everyone turned to Luna, blown away by the fact that there was some element of truth in this realisation. "You saw Twoflower?" asked Rincewind, half wanting and half not wanting to know the answer, but the half wanting was slightly bigger. "Yes" she said with her head held low, "I was in a dream and flying over a city that was made of gold as far as the eye could see…"

It was a bright and bustling morning, the sun was rising over the land above and left a giant arc of dazzling light which grew gradually over the ground until all was lit evenly. The marketplace was just setting up. Farmers were giving their chickens a pep talk to encourage better egg production, the fruit sellers had tried to do this but found that raspberries didn't react the same way. The dodgy old man who is represented at every market yawned as he unfolded out his tables and unpacked his boxes of knock-off merchandise. It was a Saturdayy morning, and the market was the place to be. People slowly started to come to the market to mull about, buy grapes, drapes, and tapes and generally take in the sensory excellence. Luna sauntered about and looked about in the buildings. Everyone seemed really content with life but not really happy. It was strange, it seemed as though they all had everything they could ever want, but they just weren't happy. This made Luna very curious and she decided to pick one particularly odd looking person to follow more closely to find out more about. He seemed to be the very epitome of smart in his dress sense, but also conveyed a very casual approach. She guessed this is what she had heard people to refer to as 'smart-casual', but this was something Luna had never seen before. He was just leaving the large bank with his suit short pockets filled with coins, he appeared very rich. Luna followed him as he walked over to the pork pie vendor. "Pork pies! That's what I'm selling here!" shouted the pork pie vendor who then looked over to the weird looking man who was approaching, "Fuck off Twoflower he shouted". The funny looking man then just stopped, looking dejected and turned around to try going to the sausage rool vendor. "Buy your sausague rolls here!" he shouted before looking over at Twoflower then he spart on the ground, "get tae fuck mate". Luna had no idea why this man was so unpopular, she thought that he might have been from the man being incredibly racist or for having committed atrocities against mankind. She followed him on and out of the end of the market regardless, with her curious ears peaked up. The man went down a small alleyway from the right of the market and into a small pub-like building. He sat down next to a man with long white hair and started talking. Luna listened in closely and started to hear the conversation after the pleasantries were exchanged and beer was bought. "It's impossible for local people to accept anything other than negativity about the world outside of their sphere." said the white haired man. "I know" said Twoflower, "but it's just ruddy frustrating being treated like a bacteria on a flea on a rat on a slave for a daily mail reader in the town where I've spent all of my life. I just wish they wouldn't believe all of the shite that's being fed down their throats." The white haired man laughed and took a sip from his beer, "Propaganda works, what can I say. In the meantime just make do with the way things are. I actually had an idea in mind, someone who could perhaps help both of us in our situations. If you meet me in the store room round the back of the Slobbery Knocker in a couple of hours I will let you know how my first meeting with her goes." Twoflower made an odd hand gesture that was either extremely rude or one of accepting the deal, but based on the chinking of glasses and subsequent spilling of beer afterwards, Luna guessed it was the latter.

Luna followed the man as he said his goodbye and left the pub and went back into the bank. As she hovered about and waited time seemed to speed past as though she was skipping ahead to the more interesting parts of the story that she was foolowing. The sun was now blindingly bright and toastingly warm as it was around midday. Twoflower came out of the bank and seemed a lot more uneasy. He was trying to avoid making eye contact with anyone as he left. Luna had no idea why he was so scared, due to the nature of their jobs, sausage roll and pork pie men were pretty fat and borderline immobile and would not be of any danger to him, yet he still seemed like a haunted soul. An ominous sense of danger lurked over him, and it seemed like he knew it. He sneaked about, avoiding the market like a One Direction fan avoids common sense and taste. Luna had a hard job keeping up with him and almost lost him around some of the narrow corridors and alleyways. After catching back up with him she saw a sign for the Slobbery Knocker which had the graphic of a big drooly dog looking hungrily towards a wet door knocker. She followed Twoflower round the back of the building and into a tiny opening where there was two doors, one into the main building of the pub, and the other presumably into the storeroom. She watched as the man looked around and check if nobody was watching. He made eye contact with the bird that was on the ground at the corner and with a suspecious look he went into the store room. Luna tried to get closer to the door to hear the conversation but as she approached the room the sky temporarily darkened and as she looked up at the disturbance she heard a muffled sound that was instantly recognisable as the infamous howling. Within seconds the giant black rectangle rose up and pierced the sky, breaking the clouds and disappearing into the sun. The white haired man then ran out of the building and turned to continue running. As soon as he made eye contact with the bird on the ground Luna woke up.

Luna explained all of this to the massive group who all seemed bewildered and blown away by this. "Tis a likely story" scoffed Hans, not believeing and not wanting to believe in her story. "Who was the man with the white hair?" asked Rincewind with a shallow tear in his eye out of respect for his fallen brethren. "I don't know, I have never seen someone like him before, he had such inhuman eyes. He just-" replied Luna before being interrupted by Ron "You don't suppose he was death? Blimey that would be some turn up!". "No" replied Luna abruptly, "I've...seen death befrore and this was someone different.". This piqued Hans's interests once more, "what do you mean you have 'seen' him befrore?" he questioned with a coyish eyebrow raised in suspicion. Luna paused, trying to think of how to word it as everyone focussed on her, "I...he, has spoken to me, written me letters, and I have heeded his warning before. I have also had him appear to me in dreams, flying alongside me before. He was never an active participant". Bryan scoffed further and laughed, "you hearing this bitch? Flying in a dream with death to a slobbery knocker where some white bastard runs away from a rectangle that killed a dude in business shorts? Sounds like a really shitty story if you ask me!" (A.N. It sounds like a pretty cool story to me though). Tensions were getting high and this riled everyone up. Captain Arr started to take deep breaths, filling up his lungs with the fresh, if slightly oily and slick, oxygen. "We're having a nice conversation here you fucking dogshit fuckfaced cuntballs" said Ron intimidatingly to Bryan as he bulked up further and further. "Hahahahahahahaha" said Bryan, "I aint scared of no ginger!". By this stage Ron was about as hype and as bulk as he had ever been and everyone cleared the way as they were clearly about to fight. Ron picked up a small unused lamp and threw it across the room, narrowly missing Bryan's head. He just laughed it off and then in a sudden turn sprinted over to Captain Arr with his fist in the air. From this point the fight was on and on full force. Bryan was faster than Ron by some order of magnitude, but Ron just brushed off most of the hits he received, knowing that they would simply leave a slightly nasty bruise in the morning. Whenever Ron landed any hits of Bryan he was sent flying across The Room but he would just get up, crink his neck and laugh and get back into it, it almost seemed as though he enjoyed the pain of it all. While this was happening Ginny decided to try and free the younglings, allowing her inner motherly instinct come to the surface. "No chance fatso" said Rikke as she pushed Ginny back who then fell to the ground. Ginny got up and looked angry and fiery at Rikke who just laughed and said, "Healthy At Every Size ain't gonna help you here." Ginny shruged it off and said, "dunno about healthy, but I can sure kick ass at this size!" and jumped into a glorious flying kick. It almost seemed as if the whole room went into slow motion as her large frame pushed off from the floor and into the air. Her tiny feet that looked like stumps on the ends of her elephant legs positioned themselves ready for facial contact. Rikke had a few lingering moments to realise what was happening but not enough to react properly. The sole of Ginny's foot and shoe made contact with Rikke's lips, allowing her to taste both dirt and pain in one flavourous sensation. This did not stop Ginny's momentum which propelled her forward and pushed Rikke backwards. By the time Ginny landed, her mass was firmly on Rikke's now unconscious head.

As everyone else continued to fight, Ginny started to free the younger children, this caused Hans to panic for the first time in forever, but he soom remedied this with a deep breath and a new idea. He snuck over like the rat he was (not literally like Peter Pettigrew tho) over to the bed where Snape lay, thumb moistened, in bed. Snape was sleeping through all the commotion as he was both a heavy sleeper and wore earplugs so as not to be awoken by Flitwick next door singing in the bath to himself. Hans pulled out Snape's earplugs and whispered softly in his ear. "You must wake up, the killer and her entourage are all here." This caused Snape to wake up. At first he seemed really rather dazed and confused but then as he looked across the room at the crowd he suddenly became very very lucid. "Well motherfucking well!" he shouted, which got the attention of everyone, "I thought I told you all to get out of here, I guess I will have to make sure none of you can ever return." And then he raised his wand and pointed it at the crowd. "Ah Rinkwind, before you came we were all so happy, it's time you fuck off!" and then he waved his wand and shouted loudly "Diaballo!" which sent a giant fireball flying over to Rincewind. Everyone, even the baddies were all shocked at this, they mostly wanted to arrest them, especially Luna, and to cast such a spell in this room, with all of the oil, would most likely set the entire place on fire and kill them all. But yet the fireball continued to fly to its target. Rincewind barely had any time to try and get out of the way, and in the quarter of a second that he had, he accepted his fate, and accepted his death. But fate had other ideas. Luna could not stand the idea of losing another close friend, especially her closest ally, to death, and, also due to the guilt of the accusations around her, started to throw herself in front of Rincewind as Snape cast his spell. Rincewind closed his eyes, but nothing hit him. Luna got in the way of the fire and it hit her with full force. She had her hands raised to it to try and hopelessly protect herself from the flames which would surely engulf her and the room, but it didn't. Instead, as soon as the flames hit her hands they did not spread but simply last for about ten or so seconds on her hands. Everyone, even Bryan and Ron, stopped fighting to watch this happen. Luna slowly realised that the fire wasn't spreading and closed her open palms and with that motion, the fire was gone. She then looked at her hands which felt slightly warm, but were unscathed and felt fine. Snape's gobsmacked state only lasted a second before he drew his wand high again and was ready to strike with a more direct killing curse, but before he could do anything a voice was heard booming over absolutely everything in the room. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was...Dumbledore!


	52. Stop

**Chapter 51 - Stop**

The whole room was as stunned as the readership. "DUMBLEDOOR!" they all shouted at the white haired wizard who wasn't gandalf and they all became slack jawed. "Yes, I have been here this whole time." he said with a voice of sternity and seriousness. "Well you're too late to stop it now old man" said Snape who raised his mighty shaft in the air and pointed it at Luna. "Avocado Kebab-" he started shouting before being interrupted by an "umph" sound that he made instead of saying "bra!". Dumbledoor had betrayed Father Time and had lept at Snape from across the room in a direct arrow like jump befitting a man of a younger age and considerably more athletic background. Nevertheless Dumblydoor made the jump and when he hit Snape he winded him on the bed which was formerly his own then he closed his eyes, held out his wand and drew a magical circle around the lot of them in the room, sighed, and grunted out a "disapperate", and then the room was left oily and empty.

The dawn was starting to rise, the clucking sound came from the chickens who were now fully grown and capable for standing up for themselves against adversity, but not foxes. A sleepy man with shaggery hair sat at a desk with his face planted down on the table, on the verge of sleep. He was having sweet and innocent dreams of playing weird nerdy board games over multiple dimensions. He was living a happy and uneventful life so far, hence he was previously unmentioned, but this dream he was having was about to be interrupted very abrupty. A massive brang was heard and the man went "aaah" and jolted himself upright and found himself in reality. Before him had just appeared a room full of people all clearly mad at each other as if some shit had just gone down. "What the fuck is going on?" he said in a daz, "Gandalf, Snap, and Dumbledoor? You're alive? Nobody tells me nuthin!" and then he calmly got out his notepad and started to write. "What are you doing?" cried Rincewind, "They're about to kill each other?". "With what?" laughed the man. "It's okay Kenny," said Sirius to the man, "Ol' Ricefield here doesn't know about Azkaban. "Azkaban?" said Rincewind as he looked around the room, "is that where we are?". "Well duh" said Ginny, "why else would he have said that?". "Whilst we are in Azkaban no magic can be used." explained Dumbledoor as he dismounted a peeved Snape. "Well apart from this!" said Kenny as he got excited and held up his hands. He grabbed at the thumb of his left hand with the fingers of his right hand and moved the thumb up and down in relation to the index finger of that hand. Amazingly the thumb moved freely and did not appear to be rooted in the natural location. People stopped to consider what they were watching beofore Gandalf butted in, "it's just muggle magic, Kenny is using a simple trick." "Hey," said the man behind the desk as he tapped his badge, "that's Officer Turner officially, and you lot still haven't told me why you're here interrupting my beauty sleep." At this stage Dumbledoor stepped towards the desk, "I want these men (pointing at the bad dudes) and women (being inclusive) arrested for murder, attempted murder, terrorism, and landmark destruction". And so Kenny took it very seriously and led the men off to holding cells to wait until the paperwork was processed.

The rest of the gang all went off into their allocated rooms for the night, but before they did they went for a couple of brewskis. As Dumbledoor was leading the prosecution he was kept separately to the rest of the group. They all couldn't believe it. "How can he be alive?" said Harry to the group as he sipped his G+T, "Everyone was sure he was dead, they even replaced him." "Not everyone" said Sirius from the other end of the table which got the attention of the group. "A few of us knew of his plan from the get go." It was a few of hours before he 'died' when we gathered together in his room. It was cold and chilly as he had left the window open, autumn was around the corner, like biscuits to yoghurt. Myself, Hagrid and Dumbly himself were gathered around in his recliners. It felt awesome for me to be in the private room of his, the incense and the fantastical ornaments were legend at my time at school, and here I was in the midst of it all. He took a puff on his pipe and broke the news. One of the students at Hogwarts had died. A young girl called Esk, her body was intact but it was but a shell that once contained her personality, hopes, and life. She had been sitting in her room playing games on her phone when she had been attacked by someone capable of magic of a kind that he did not know, and she was killed on the spot. Her wand was snapped from the brief moment that she tried to defend herself, the howling was heard, and that was it. Dumbledoor explained that he immediately warged into an owl and confirmed this kill for himself, and that he had immediately called us to be there. We asked the usual questions. Who was it? He didn't know. How did she die? No idea. Was anything missing? Her necklace. What shall we do? And he didn't reply for a few seconds. The howling events have been localised around the school recently, there have been no other events reported anywhere else, at least not for a long time. If word gets out that a student has died then the school will be shut down for health and safety reasons and whatever is causing these events will spread out into the rest of the world. He explained that he needed to cover the death and to also do a bit of factfinding of his own about the howling. It was his mad idea but it was the best that we had at that time. He would assume the role of Esk, disguising her body as his own in the process. He thought that this would allow him enough time to figure things out whilst also allowing him to go undetected from the likes of Luscious, Snape, Hans and anyone else like that. It was up to Hagrid to keep on top of things at the school, but when Snape turned against reason and against goodness and the Gryfindoors were kicked out he sent me off to gather some information about Snape's friends. Once I found out the size of the army that was being led against us all I was roped in to help out and provide more protection. I also arranged to have my old buddies meet up and help us with Gandalf here. We had to keep this a secret though, if word got out anywhere that Dumbledoor was alive then we would have been targetted and killed even quicker than we would have been otherwise.

After a few hours at the pub gang all went to go off to sleep.

In bed they all slept or tried to, but this was troublesome partly due to the inherent discomfort in sleeping in a prison tower, and also partly due to the fact that so much shit had been going down over the past few days. There was at least still the reassurance that Snape, Luscious, Hans and the rest of the goobers would all be tried before the judges of the laws of both man and god. This was hopefully the end to it all they all thought, but Luna and Rincewind lay awake and unsettled further. They both knew first hand of Luna's tropical fruit dreams, they knew that there were connections between them and the evil dudes on trial tomorrow, but they also knew that it seemed to go a lot deeper than that. There were so many unanswered questions. Who was actually controlling the howling? What did it have to do with Luna's parents? Who was the weird guy in Belethor's shop? And would any of this stop or make sense any time soon. Rincewind had been trying to rack his brain over this for some time but couldn't make heads nor tails of it, like he was trying to use a poker chip as a flipping coin. Luna tried hard to slip back into a tropical fruit dream, but she knew that there was a distinct lack of vitamin C in her system in this moment and that she wouldn't manage it. The accusations from the evil people about her stung like the stingray that killed Steve Irwin, piercing her right through the heart. "Crikey!" she thought as she thought about the potential relationship between her father and Hans Landa. But surely it would all come clear in the passing light of day tomorrow, so after a few pained minutes she slipped into sleep and dreamt of nothing particularly interesting.

Hans lay on his bed with a subtle smile on his face, smirking away about something.


	53. The Trial

**Chapter 52 - The Trial**

The morning awoke and with it came the sun as was customary. The light sprewed through the window into Snape's cell and woke him up. He seemed somewhat nervous as his slittery eyes slowly slatted open and he prepared himself for the new day. He got up and put on his finest clothes which had been brought over for him by the Azkaban lackies (or Azkalackies) for short. He had a really quite cool snakeskin suit with ripply pinstripes that were made from differently coloured snakes. Next door to him was Luscious who was already awokened. The night was friendly to him and the unease that pervaded Snape was not to be found in him at all. He was wearing a fine green threaded beauty of an outfit. It had both a really nicely fitted form whilst also still allowing for deep and useful pocket space, it was truly a man's outfit amongst the boy's clothes. Dumbledoor was in the room below, the calmness that was on his outer layer was not present inside. There was some uneasyness in him somewhere, but he did not know where or why, he just felt the sphincteral consequences. He placed his finest jewels on and stretched his aching bones. After looking himself up and down in the mirror he felt ready and proceeded out of his room and into the corridor. He looked around and saw the other main characters nearby, all looking tired more than anything else. He then looked along the corridor and saw Snape with a smile and Hans in his ear whispering slippery sneakrets which pleased the slimy man. Luscious was there as well and similarly happier than he should have been. They then went around the corridor and to the side of the defendants whilst the good guys went the other way to the side of the prosecution. They all waited in the waiting room, waiting to be called on. As soon as they arrived Dumbledoor was called through, and so he went through and into the courtroom.

The head judge sat marginally higher than the other judges as to show himself to be in charge. "Professor Dumbledoor" he said aloud as he welcomed the bearded teacher into the room, "I have a transcript here from what I believe to be the supposed series of events, but for the sake of those at home or on the bench with me, can you kindly refurbish us with the story." Dumbledoor took a deep breath and told the court of how people had been going missing around Hogwarts and that Snape and Luscious had been spotted everywhere that the howlings had been happening. They were even found to be conspiring to kill the Gryfindoor students, initially by abandoning them in the Hogwarts hills, then by attacking them at High Hrothgar. He then mentioned that they had killed the ghost of Moaning Michael and beyond that they had killed a student at Hogwarts, Esk, which was what prompted Dumbledoor to go into hiding. The room seemed appalled by these accusations and the executioner was mentally sharpening his head slicing knife. "What evidence do you have for these accusations?" asked the judge as he maintained his neutral facial expression. Then Dumbledoor called upon his witnesses who all corroborated with his story perfectly. "T'was then and no mistake" said Luna. "Yes, everywhere the howling happened they were there" said Fred and George who were callup upon at the same time. "I am most certain that it was them that were there when Esk was killed" said Hermione, trying to keep it simple. "I am so sure of it being them, tormenting us and chasing us through the mountains, trying to kill us, and causing the deaths of a few students" said Neville. "Actually, your honour" said Hans, "I have a question for this witness." "Okay then" said the judge, a bit confused by all of this. "Mr. Chamberlain" started Hans, "Longbottom" corrected Neville peeved, "sorry, Mr. Chamberbottom, can you please describe your relationship with Eskarina?". "I was a friend of Esk's" said Neville, "we weren't particularly close but...we had moments.". "But that was before she died in Hogwarts right?" asked Hans, "Howabout afterwards, I believe you two were close after then." Neville gulped and started to sweat a bit. "Of course" continued Hans, "that was Dumbledoor. Silly me. Sorry, what was your relationship with Dumbledoor like after he transformed into Esk?". Neville could see the trap being laid for him. "Well I for one didn't know that it was Dumbledoor in her body" he explained, mind frazzling, trying to get out of this without lying to both man and god. The whole room went into a corresponding silence with Neville. "We….were close". The interest of everyone in the court was now at a peak. "I have heard that you were sexual partners on several occasions" said Hans scoffing with confidence, "I have heard it said that you two were in a proper relationship, in a tree and spelling out the word 'kissing'. Are you denying this?". Neville knew that there was no crime punished more harshly than lying in the court of man and god. If he were to be caught doing so he would be sentenced to death and the devil would be given a copy of his court transcript and force Neville to insert phallic turnips up his bunghole whilst denying any derived pleasure for all eternity. This was not something that Neville wanted to happen, and so in a burst of tears he admitted it, but insisted that he never knew that she was Dumbledoor. "Very well Mr. Longbottom" said the judge with a shake of the head, "call upon Dumbledoor!". And so Dumbly was called back into the room.

His whiskers sat still on his face, his lips did not move as he expected they would. This was an open and shut case, yet was reopened again like a bottle of often used milk. But this milk was the milk of justice, and it was beginning to sour. "Yes, your honour?" asked Dumbledoor with an eyebrow raised in his mind. "New evidence has come to light to suggest that you have partaken often and willingly of bum-buggery of the most deviously delectable extent. Do you have any statement you would wish to make?" said the judge with a judgemental voice. Dumbledoor took in a breath and replied, "no comment" and sat down. "So" said a viscious Luscious, "you do not deny it?" with his tongue slithering about his face. "Do you?" replied Dumbledoor like a sassy cunt. "Mr. Dumbledoor" commented the judge, "this isn't like farts where the ruling can be made based on the premise of 'he who smelt it, dealt it'. Are you seriously accusing of faggotry in a court of both man and god?". Luscious wanted to correct the judge on his surinam but decided that it would be an odd moment to do so and let it slide. Dumbledoor said nothing and it was then decided that the court would recess for a few hours because this was a fucking YUGE deal and they would have to figure a lot of things out if they were to continue on. There was one thing for certian, there was going to have to be two trials. Dumbledoor left the room and went into the common area with the rest of his posse who were all silent. "What happened?" asked Rincewind to Dumbledoor who just walked on past him. Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once. Live that way and nothing will surprise you. Everything that happens will be something that you've seen before. Dumbledoor had tried to live by these words, past down from his father, but he never really knew quite what they meant and what they implied until now.


	54. Stumble Then Rise On Some Awkard Morning

**Chapter 53 - Stumble Then Rise On Some Awkward Morning**

In a small room, lit by light penetrating the rocks sat an old man. Defeated by many things in life, yet still conscious, still awake, and still fighting. He looked down to his legs and saw just how withered they had become. He remembered vaguely a time when he was young and agile. He thought back to his childhood memories with his siblings. Life was simpler in the old days he thought. There was so little to do comparatively, much of the modern youth would be bored. How wrong they would be though. Now there seemed to be nothing but struggle. Instead of moment by moment living, we had evolved as a species to one which lived a lifetime every moment. We lived our pasts and futures equally, weighing up the best path to take from the experiences of the former and the potentials of the approaching latter. There is so much more to do, yes, but, there is so much more needing done. The old man would have chuckled at this had he not fallen into the modern world. The stress of which was proving to be too much for him as he leaned back in his chair and fell off to sleep. In his dreams he could be so much less than he was in his current life. He could be a simple chaffinch that sat upon a hedge. To many he would be the same chaffinch as every other one nearby, but to him he would be different, in a way better. This sense of superiority came from a sense of appreciation. He felt that somehow the other birds never could appreciate just how lucky they had it that this was all they had. He felt that due to this, the air tasted sweeter, felt more refreshing through his feathers, and seemed to favour what he wanted. He knew though that the wind wasn't sentient and couldn't act on his wishes, but instead his wishes were for this very moment, with no subplot, introspection, worry, scheming, or desire. Just a chaffinch on a bush.

As Dumbledoor kept himself hidden away from the others, word started to get out and about about what had come about. Luna couldn't believe that the course of justice was being perverted by some actual perversions. She paced back and forth, even reaching fifth some times when her rage built up like Lego Bricks forming a never ending tower. Her pacing started to make the rest of the gang feel a bit queasy. It was like being seasick but not quite. They didn't dare say anything though, as they had started to suspect that they had a spy on the inside. How else would Snape and the slimy buggers have known about all of the intimate details about the things that happened when the Gryfindoors were all alone together. They knew that Percy was someone who was working against them but they had guessed that he wasn't trustworthy due to his bourgeoisie resemblances and his general cuntishness. So due to this, they hadn't done anything in front of him at all. As far as he had seen during his time with them, they were just twiddling thumbs, whistling, and playing dull and unrevolutionary games such as connect four. Due to this suspicion they all gave each other the silent treatment, pretending that they didn't exist without getting too existential about the whole thing and instead just being petty, and went about their own business. After all they had been through, something still wasn't quite right, someone had been leaking like a shit sink. Everyone headed to bend, to just sleep things off before they were resolved the following day once the court resumed. Rincewind fell asleep reasonably easy, insomnia wasn't rearing it's big ugly head of perpetual awakening for him tonight. Neville wanted to stay awake, deeply desiring to rack his brains over the situation and figure out who the backstabber was, but he was a bit narcoleptic under pressure and just conked out at the desk in his room, spilling ink on his shirt like a clumsy but sleepy bunny. Luna was ready to sleep, had just got herself into her pryjamas when she heard a ratata at the window. She opened the curtains and revealed to her amazement...blinds! Behind the blinds was an owl, looking in at her but not in a creepy way. She opened the window which seemed like quite a security issue for a prison and the owl didn't fly in, but instead dropped off a letter for her.

Luna opened the letter and stared amazingly at the words. "THE DAY HAS COME FOR THE BETRAYER TO REAR HER UGLY HEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN INFILTRATED BY A SLIPPERY SNEK AND IF YOU ARE TO ALL SURVIVE AND FOR JUSTICE TO BE FULFILLED YOU MUST OUST HER IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. THE IMPOSTOR IS….

….

GINNY!

KIND REGARDS,

DEATH"

The letters then immediately melted off the page and into a small puddle by the window. Luna was shocked and awed at what she had read. Ginny had been a secret spy for how long? She supposed that it didn't really matter how long it had been going on for, but it had to stop, like when you have a bad case of leaky bum all morning but need to go to school. But who could she tell and how? The paper was now as blank as the face of someone who had just stopped their bum leaking. Luna knew one person who she could trust with this information who would also believe it wholeheartedly, but how could she get in touch. She knew she could do it through dream, but that requirted physical contact and tropical fruit juice, she had often wondered if she could do it dry but had never accomplished this. She closed her eyes and clenched up every orifice on her face, trying too hard to get to sleep to realistically have any chance of getting to sleep but POOF she then was asleep. The dreamstate she emerged into was one of fleeting lucidity. She was fighting her own natural dreaminess. The seas were opened up in front of her for thousands of miles. Freshly caught trout were being het up for dinner. Thoughts of the gods filled her mind as she hoped for safe passage to Crandor. No, this wasn't right. This wasn't what she meant for the dream to become. She wanted the dream to be...anywhere but here. She was in the forest, torchlight tickling her feet. He was after her, but she could not see him. Her presence was noticeable and she became more aware of him as she ran through the oats. Luna, you have to focus. The thought intruded and broke her immersion, the oats slipped away into the ground. Luna walked onwards into the void, voidening darkly along as she went. Sliplets of light from enticing or terrifying dreams flashed before her but she closed her inner eye and continued to walk blind. After an indefinite period of time she opened her inner eye once more and found herself at a door. The door was open and within it was a room. Luna walked from the void into the room and looked around. It was a very plain room with off-white colouring all round and a very slight blue tint on a feature wall. The clothes in the cupboard were plain and dull, apart from some Hawiian shirts. She looked around and saw that the tv was playing a game, in fact someone was playing the game on the tv. She saw him on the bed. A slight ginger boy with long unkempt hair and long face. "Hey" he said, "what are you doing here?" he asked. Luna was startled that he could see her. "Oh me!" she exclaimed "I'm just here making sure… all of the pictures are aligned properly." and she started to go around and look at the pictures of rocks and shores to make sure they were level with the wall. "Why wouldn't they be?" asked the boy, not believing what he was being told. "Some people are freaks and do not hang their art properly" she replied with a look of authority. "Oh ok" said the boy as he returned to his game. "Who are you?" asked Luna. "Me? I'm just Rincewind" said the boy, "you are Luna.". Luna was taken aback. "This is a dream I have, I dream of simpler times." he continued and the tv was turned off. "Rincewind, is this actually you?" she said, wondering how this could be happening. "Sadly yes" he replied, "what are you doing here?". "I need to tell you something" Luna replied, "I know who the traitor is. It's Ginny! And she's been infiltrating our every move for a while now! We must find a way to use this to our advantage, but we don't have much time and we cannot communicate normally or they will know about this. And we cannot just dingy her completely or they will be suspicious and our cover will be blown. What do you think we should-" said Luna before being interrupted by yet another voice. "Rincewind" said the voice from behind the boy, "who are you talking to sweety? Why don't you come back to bed?". Luna and Rincewind looked shockedly over to the bed and saw the oily smooth cadaver-like body of the naker fropressor Sanpe! The dream then abruptly ended.

Luna was awoken and confused further. If that had really been Snape in Rincy's dream then he had either penetrated Rincewind's dreams also, or Rincewind was himself a spy. If it was just a dream of Rincewind's then Luna was questioning his sexuality, knowing the potential dangers for him being in the court of both man and god and testifying in a faggotry case as a closet faglord himself. The next morning was to be interesting as they all had just a meagre few hours before the trial was set to continue and their fates would hang in the balance, and in her extreme state of perplexitment, Luna simply went to a normal sleep and dreamt of boats and dragons and all of her usual sleepy stories.


	55. The Rise And Fall Of The Case

**Chapter 54 - The Rise and Fall of The Case**

Crisply the light reflected through into the room from outside. The jury all sat heavy-arsedly on their noticably uncomfortable seats. By this stage they wanted nothing more than just to have this whole case malarky behind them once and for all and move onto more comfortable seating arrangements. The grand chandelier hung all bedustered in the middle of the room, ominously over where the defendant would be standing. The chandelier was made with ornate bone. Rumours were that the bones were all recovered from people who were found guilty and sentenced to death by bone removal back in the elder days. Nowadays such evil magic was completely disallowed apart from that one time Lockhart stole Harry's arm bones for soup stock but everyonesoon forgot about that and Harry's bone grew back and the soup was eaten and all was good again. The judge and the other law people came into the room with their fancy garbs, cool hats, and capes and strutted on over to their pedestrials. Before sitting down the judge said "please sit" and everyone sat, including him. Closely on his face was a slight smirk as he was considering telling them all off for sitting because he didn't say 'Simon says please sit' but he decided to leave such frillyvolous matters for once he got back home with his wife. Next walked in Hans Landa wearing his trademark smug little face as well as the appropriate clothes including footwear. He parked his arse nicely in the seat of the prosecution and got out some notes on the case. Next was Dumbledoor who slowly sulked in, acting as though he was defeated and feeling all shit and depressed like he had just watched Frozen with his stupid little sister because it's her favourite film of all time and it's all she ever FUCKING talks about all of the fucking time and he just wants to tell his mum to make her STFU about it but his stupid mum says that he can't because she's four and is normal for her to go through these phases but when he was four he didn't get to constantly watch Spy Kids even though it was the best thing ever because his parents were gay and shit. Dumbledoor was also appropriately dressed, but his gown had a faint tinkle of flambuoyancy, like Liberace floating out to sea. Everyone oohed and aahed at the people in the court in excitement, but as they sat down they hushed themselves to allow for the court convo.

"So, where were we?" asked Hans. "Well" started the judge, "because you got to start at things last time, it's only fair that Dumbledoor gets a shot to start this time. What would you like to do?" he said asking the question to Dumbledoor. "I would like to call assistance with some proceedings" replied the old beardy man, "I call upon Luna Lovegood!". People were a bit surprised by this but the old man seemed to gave a certain suspiciousness about him that made Hans the nazi shweat in his clothes. The judge nodded his head and Luna was brought forward. Luna and Dumbledoor were given a minute to discuss strategy and the judge used an egg timer to count it down. Once the egg would have been cooked they were to stop talking and proceed immediately. Once that happened Luna moved forward and asked the question, "so how have you came across any of this sodomy?" she asked, "how would YOU be aware of what happened when we were all in private together." This question seemed to catch Hans off guard a bit and after sweating some more he gulped and said "we had an infiltraitor in your camp, it was Ginny!". People were shocked and some even swore a bit because of how shocked they were and before anyone else could say anything Hans was taken away and Ginny replaced him. "Hi slut" said Luna to her former friend who had been laying metaphorical knives in her former friend's metaphorical beds for them to metaphorically sleep on, metaphorically. "So, why you gotta bring me in here? What you want from me then?" asked Ginny. "I just want to confirm a few things for me, call it woman's intuiton if you will. Firstly, where have you been for the last few months?". Ginny paused and stared right into Luna's milk bottle top eyes and said "I was with you at High Hrothgar, then before that we were on a wacky adventure through caves, Whiterun and Brill and all of that." Luna moved forward, "howabout last summer, before all of this chaos befell upon our lives?" Ginny looked a bit more nervous, "err….I was with Harry and we...sat about...playing games and...kissing." Luna could smell the blood in the water like she was a shark about to nibble the leg of the unsuspecting surfer. Ginny was the big toe of the leg, the key to eating the rest, Hans was the calf, Luscious the knee, and Snap was the mighty thigh. "Let me elaborate, what were you doing on the 11th of August?". Ginny seemed confused and put on a straight and unbefuddled face, "why, I was doing the same shit I had been doing for the rest of the summer, netflix and chilling". Luna smiled, "that's rather sad then, I thought you would have spent YOUR BIRTHDAY celebrating and eating cake. OH FUCKING WAIT, you DID and I have PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE on my PHONE!" and Luna brought her phone out of her pocket and showed it to the court and it was ready and primed with a photo datestamped with that date and showing Ginny and Luna at a party and shitfaced on cool booze. People were agast, and listened closer. "If I scroll one more to the right, you will see one other image," Luna continued with a boner for justice as she fingered her screen and revealed a picture of herself doing a non-alcoholic body shot from between the buxom cleavage of Ginny. People's eyes were first drawn to the tits, and then to Luna's close proximity to the tits, then weirdly to a dark marking underneath her right boob (roob). "Oh" said Luna, "I almost forgot that you had a birthmark in the shape of Whistler's Mother under your roob. Care to show that to me again, just so I can get one last look at it?". Some people in the court knew what was happening and got excited, others just thought they were going to see hot girl on girl action and also got excited, but Ginny knew the exact reason. "Errr….can I call for a toilet break?" she called out. "No, we must see the roob!" shouted the judge, eager for Ginny to get her chebs oot.

Rincewind sat in his waiting area, waiting, interminably waiting. He was expecting to be called up to discuss the unspeakable to truth about Ginny of which he must speak. Yo-yo in hand he just played about, waiting bored, watching the bricks on the wall stay perfectly still. "Knock knock" said the door as it opened and in walked a big burly guard, "time for you to appear in court again little beardy bloke" he said in a way which did not necessarily convey respect. Rincewind put his yo-yo down, wondering if he'd ever see it again and walked out to the courtroom. He was repeating his lines over and over again in his head about Ginny being a treachorous cunt but when he arrived he was greeted with a different question. "Mr Rincewind" said the judge, "can you please furnish us with how you came to know about the situation? How were you in contact with Luna here." Rincewind realised that the case was more later than he was expecting. "Do you not want me to talk about Ginny?" he asked meekly like a mere cat. "No" replied the judge, "we've already seen the roob, please, continue." So he continued. Rincewind explained how he was just dreaming his dream by himself and how Luna entered it. He explained that she had this weird ability through the powers of tropical fruit and vitamin C but normally there was an element of physical contact required. Everyone oohed and aahed when he said physical contact because they thought that Rincewind and Luna were having sex after drinking tropical fruit juice and that they were a couple, so they snirked. "So" said the head of the defence of Snape and Ginny, " how do these dreams end?". Rincewind paused before answering, "well usually with some sort of dramatic event that abruptly ends as a cliffhanger for suspense" he replied honestly. "But then, where was the cliffhanger there? There is no suspense in that dream conclusion. How did your dream end?". The defence was sure they could disprove his claim. "Well...there was an ending." Rincewind said. "And…" inquired the defence. "Someone said something from the room, behind me in the general bed area…" said Rincewind back with his head to the floor. "Please, Mr. Rincewind" said the judge with frustration, "stop trying to delay this to bump up the word count and get down to the nitty gritty. We've already witnessed fake Ginny's roob. What could surprise us about what was in your bed?". Rincewind gulped. He knew that lying in a court like this was really bad and would lead to him to the burny hell if he did it so he gulped again and said "it was Sanpe".

The court was aghast. Nobody in this case was who they seemed to be. It was like Scooby Doo but scarier and with magic people and no talking dogs, at least not yet. "So," the judge replied, "what was Severeus Snap doing in your room? Are you just a glorified batty boy? Or is there something else going on.?" Rinceinwd ghasted his flabber and replied, "no! I have no inclination towards cocks. I-I'm not a pillow biting poofter, nor am I a sword swallowing sperm burper. I'm just a grown man with a beard who likes girls and boobies and vaginas and all of that." It didn't look good though that this had happened, "could it be that Snape himself was entering my dreams?" Rincewind said in desparation, but it caught people's attentions. If Luna could do it then could Snape. Snape was then called through with his entourage behind him for moral support. He held himself with such smugness that you could really just slap him. "Your honour, what seems to be the matter?" he said in a slippery smooth voice. "Well, Severeus" started the judge awkwardly, "what are your sexual preferences like?". Snape adjusted his collar and calmly replied, "I like a bit of minge myself, and a good pair of nice tits." Hushed whispers followed. If he was lying then it was to burny hell with him. "Very well. Then could you have any suggestion as to why you've apparently been making erotic appearances in a dream of Rincewind's?" the judge then asked. "No idea" he snakily replied moving his hair back behind his ear, "perhaps he really wants to take a ride on my big dipper." he said with a laugh and a snigger. "You do look like a bit of a gay" said Rincewind from across the room, "especially with your ridiculously well conditioned hair." "THAT IS SLANDER AND UNTRUE" suddenly shouted Luscious who was not only defending Snape but men with Lucius hair in general at this stage. "Silence!" shouted the guard near him, "you have not been invited to speak Blondie" and the guard slapped him in the face with a great and mighty kersplat and Luscious dropped to the ground unconscious, and with him, dropped Snape.


	56. Unclothing The Truth

**Chapter 55 - Unclothing the Truth**

"What in the fuck is all of this?" cried out the Judge like a big pissy baby with a wig, "What has happened to Snap?". The rest of Snap's crew all seemed flustered, fake Ginny tried to lift him up and pretend that he was talking like he was a puppet but it was unconvincing as she could not put her hand up his bunghole to work the controls. She was then quickly pulled away. The court was mostly silent apart from quiet murmurrings of people who were utterly confused. How did this case twist and turn so many times? Before anyone had any idea Snape started to slowly come around. He seemed groggy, like he had been out getting plastered like the troll of the sesh that he was in his youth. "Ughhhh" he said as he rubbed his temples sensuously, "where is this place?" He looked around and recognised some people and eventually recognised the room. "Is this fucking Azkaban?" he proclaimed and nearly fainted in shock again. "Where else would it be?" asked the judge like a petulent wife. "Well Hughwarts for one" replied Snape as he started to come round more and his sass came with it. "Severeus" interrupted Dumbledoor who could see through this bullshit conversation and wanted to skip to the next dialogue, "what was the last thing you remember?" Snape took a glass of water and put it down again, "Last thing I remember was that dreadful howling sound. I was lying in bed, enjoying the feeling of the covers as I had just freshly oiled them that day when I was awoken from my slumber by that dreadful howling sound. I wanted to go and talk to yo about it but...but... I don't know. I fell asleep I guess." he said getting more confused, "how long has it been?". "Was this the very first howling?" Dumbledoor asked. "There was more than one?" replied Snape, in a way answering the question between the lines. "Your honour interrupted Gandalf from behind everyone" said Gandalf, "I propose that there is fishy goings on at the moment. There is dark magic happening, I can sense it. Someone has been controlling Snap remotely without his knowing for eight months. This is a most serious crime" Everyone took this in and wandered who it could have been. The wondering didn't take long though as the silence was interrupted by the sound of Luscious starting to come around again. Snape started to seem a bit different as if he was losing control as Luscious became more conscious. "Juttu niyantrana apadaniki" shouted Dumbledoor who knew a lot of words and Snape came back to his full self. "Luscious Malfoy!" shouted the Judge, "You have shown yourself to be mind controlling poor little Snap here to do your vile bidding for months now. It is as clear as a well fucking cleaned window on a sunny day that Snape has had no part in any of the vile crimes that he has been accused of. Luscious, you have made Snape murder, be racist, steal, destroy property, wreak havoc on the world, and perform dream faggotry with Rincewind in his dreams." Luscious seemed defeated, but looked back up and said, "I will admit today about the rest of the accusations, but not to the faggotry. I have a wife and a son, proof of my love of poontang, I would have nothing to gain from gaylove." People seemed confused again, the plot kept thickening and thickening like a bad custard that grandma makes and forces you to eat when you just want that tasty rhubarb crumble underneath. "Nay" said Snape to the shock of everyone, "I spent the past eight months in dreams, I thought them of my own but apparently not. I now see that I had influenced myself onto the dreams of Rincewind on at least one occasion and I apologise for this. I know that my body has seen better days and it will be amongst the last things that he would ever want to see, but I like beards. It's my dark secret, my fetish. I always wanted to grow a beard of my own so I could marvel at it in the mirror but unfortunately the ability to grow facial hair only runs in the female side of my family." People gasped in horror at what they were hearing. Open gayness. What next? Child prostitution, dog-fucking wildebeest lovers with meth needles poking out their eyes being allowed to adopt. Society was falling and had already fallen to the extent that this piece of filth was allowed to teach impressionable children. Maybe they would convince them to be also gay. "You do realise that this is punishable by death Severeus" barked the judge who now hated about everyone there. "I don't fucking care" he shouted back, spit flying everywhere and landing on the poor boys who were stuck typing the dialogue for court records, "kill me and be done with it. I see nothing wrong with man on man action. Now I am dying I can finally admit my true feelings and be at one with myself. I have always fancied men, particularly bearded ones ever since I set my eyes on Dumbledoor all those many years before. His glorious beard, glistening with sweat when he came back from his gym sessions used to always just give me the most raging stiffy imaginable. But I knew that he could never love me. I knew that if I told him of my feelings then he would have me outcast. So I hid, I repressed, I cried myself to sleep in my bed so often I had to get it oiled weekly to become water-retardant, but no more I love Dumbledoor, whether he loved me or not and I will die in a feeling of love." Everyone gasped again, it was starting to become worrisome that there might be an asthma epidemic in the court. Perhaps there was still an issue with the old insulation. "Sanpe" said Dumbelldoor with a sigh, "don't you tell me how I can feel, that is not your place. I know how I feel. I've always had a soft spot for you. You settled for Rincewind for his beard, and I settled for Neville for his matching inability to grow facial hair." This wasn't entirely true as Neville oft proclaimed of his two matching moustachio hairs, but Neville just shrugged this off as due to Dumbledoor's advanced years rendering him half blind and unable to gaze upon his growing hairs. "Wait," said Snape, "you fancy me?". "I can't help myself" said Dumbloedor, "your pipe is just so nice and bendy whereas mine is just plain and boring." "Nonsense" replied Snape, "Yours is humungous compared to my teeny tiny one." They both laughed at each other from across the hall as some people started to feel the love emerge in the room. "OKAY, ENOUGH OF ALL THIS BULLSHIT!" shouted the judge as he finally stood back up on all his feet "I thought this was going to be a simple case that would be finished in time for lunch but it keeps going on and on and on and on with more twists and turns than a twisty turny thing. I have murderers, sexual deviants, destructionists, conspiritors, and gingers all in front of me on both sides. I could spend the next week of my life hearing you all quabble and figure out who did what but you all did something. I know it. You're all cunts. So, as a noncunt myself, I would like to spend the next week doing nice wholesome things like gardening and flying a kite, and would be much happier for this case to all end. I am happy to now pass my judgement." Everyone else raised up as well as the judge put on his nice black hat. "As I am pretty sure that you are all guilty of various crimes against the laws of both man and god, or at least have conspired with each other to allow for these crimes to take place I sentence both sides of this case to death. Take 'em away boys." Some people screamed, some fighted, some cried. They were all grabbed upon by members of the gourd who tried to wrestle them out of the room. The noise levels rose to an almost deafening screme, but then were somehow surpassed by an even louder howling sound, then the room went completely dark. Rincewind felt a large thud on the head and fell unconscious.


	57. There Is No Room

**Chapter 56 - There Is No Room**

Darkness there, and nothing more. Rincewind was surprised to say the least. He expected that death would either be in the form of an afterlife or his consciousness would have dissolved into the great cosmic ether and he would be no more. This was evidently not the case. He felt this existence move. It was bumpy, and seemed to be getting bumpier the more he paid attention to it. He started to feel motion sickness kick in when he tried to get himself up and realised that he couldn't. He was being contained. He tried to think back over the prior events and remembered the dramatic court case, the howling, and then the bump. Was this the other dimension that the howling was taking people to? Just as he started to convince himself that this was indeed the case it was proven otherwise. His existence thudded down and stopped moving. Next he saw light suddenly appear and he felt himself being flung towards it. If this was what it felt like to arrive at the pearly gates for God to have a look at you then God's customer service skills were lacking to say the least. Once his eyes adjusted to the light he saw figures. Were they aliens? He was not prepared to be probed in places unimaginable. But they were indeed something even stranger than aliens, they were Hufflopuffs! "The fuck is going on?" came a quirky Irish voice behind him. Rincewind turned around and saw Luna holding her head which was apparently sore, and there was a lot of other people, in fact pretty much all of Rincewind's crew and fellow Gryfindoors, and there was the Luggage, looking heroic. Rincewind then realised what had happened and gave the Luggage a thumbs up. The luggage did a weird thing with one of its toes that Rincewind understood to be a cool sign and they moved on. Suddenly more students and staff and general other peopl who hung around Hogwarts rushed into the great hall. "Jings Crivvens you're alive!" cried out McGonnigle as she saw everyone. She also cried a small scottish tear when she saw Dumebledoor and they hugged for a second and moved on. After a very brief once over everyone to make sure that they were all okay barring a few bruises here and there Dumbledoor started to make a speech to them all and everyone listened, even Filch and his stupid cat. He really was the only headteacher the school could have, nobody else had his air of grandeur, his sense of humour, or his ability to grow facial hair. It was good to have him back and to have the school return somewhat to a sense of normalcy. Dumbledoor explained the whole story, even with all of the stuff about Snape being a tragic hero all this time. Everyone got really sad though as he wasn't there. "Anyway, now to find out more about what happened when we were in Mr. Luggage" said Dumbledoor with a clap of his hands and a smile on his face. Everyone seemed shocked and none looked at him. "Sir" one little boy said with courage, "Azkaban is gone". "What do you mean it's gone?" he mocked. "It-it's just gone. It vanished. Even the patch of sea where it was no longer exists, all that was there no longer exists, no trace of any of the bodies were found either. It's been a week now and everyone is assumed dead, hell even you all were." the boy said. "Not quite everyone" said a suspicious sounding voice from the back of the hall. Everyone turned around and saw a man standing wearing a cloack and a hood over his face and hair. The man slowly walked towards the central group at a slow and deliberate pace. People started to smile and seem relieved that Snape had somehow escaped everything. The man then looked up at Dumbledoor and pulled back his hood revealing a shiny bald head and plump face with a very neutral smile on it. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you headteacher" he said as he reached a hand out of his sleeve and shook it with Dumbledoor. He then turned around to face the rest of the crowd who all seemed confused and a bit scared. "As I am sure you all know, Hogwarts has an age old tradition of replacing the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher every academic year. Normally this process is overseen by the headteacher, but seeing as this year we have had one headteacher leave assumed dead, one be racist and mind controlled, and a third only rule for a very short period of time, the ministry of magic have decided to take matters in their own hands and appoint me as the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher for the next year." he said in a well prepared and perfectly enunciated speech. "Here is the paperwork to prove it" he said as he pulled out some parchment and handed it to Dumbledoor. Dumbledoor didn't believe this bullshit initially and ripped it out of his hand and read it. "Lord Varys is to be DatDA teacher next year" it said in big bold comic sans. "Well blow me away it's true" the old man said, "how do you pronounce your name?". "It varies" the bald man said with a smirk, "anyway, as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, not everyone is missing from the Azkaban catastrophe, other than yourselves that is." McGonnigle scoffed, "I have been deepoly in touche with the police over this matter day and night since the incident and I think I would know if anything was to be known." Varys turned slowly and said with a smile, "but, the Police only have jurisdiction in this country. I have little birds that sing songs of lands further than the UK. I have heard that many of the party that you opposed in the court have appeared in a small village across the sea and are waiting their time before making their next move." Nobody had any reason to believe this man but for some reason they all did. "Does that include Snap?" asked Dumbledoor with sadness in his eyes. "My little birds do not give details of names on this occasion, but there was nobody of his rather unique description that has been spotted." This really was a bummer to everyone, especially Dumbledoor, and everyone suddenly realised that there was nothing else that could be done today and all went off to their rooms to go to bed.

The Gryfindoor common room was all dusty and horrible, nobody had been in it for months and Filch and his stupid cat were clearly too lazy to clean it so they left it to rot. On the bright side, all of the precious things that they all had to leave behind were still there. They took a moment to remember the fallen ones such as Lee Jordan and Lavender Brown before giving Gandalf his choice of their rooms. He went with Lee Jordan's room as Lavender Brown's room still smelled of her strong obnoxious perfume. Luna settled down in her bed and put on her old comfy pyjames once more and tried to sleep but was kept awak with worry. She would normally turn to Esk in moments like this, but she couldn't as she was dead. Rincewind was a good companion as well but things seemed strange, plus it wasn't the glamourous life of the road, they couldn't just share a tropical fruit dream together without arousing controversy for sleeping together, so after an hour or so of unrest she went over to her special fridge that was hidden away, took out a half empty bottle of tropical fruit juice, gulped it down, and immediately went into sleep.

Luna reclaimed her existence as a small bird flying around in the sky. She enjoyed this break from the tress and the pressure and the court case and all of that bullshit and just flew around. "Caww" went another bird from behind her which gave her a fright as she really wasn't expecting that. She turned herself around and saw a crow dip and dive about, seeming to enjoy the sensation as much as her. It cawwed again at her and she started to fly away from it thinking that it might be going to attack her. The crow then did something she didn't expect, it coughed. "Sorry about that, but I had to make sure it was you and not some other sparrow of your colouring." it said in a much more polite voice. Luna did not recognise this voice, initially she thought of Rincewind but it wasn't his voice and he had no way of entering these tropical fruit dreams without being in touch with her. "Who are you? How are you-" she started to ask before being interrupted, "it doesn't matter, what does matter is that you follow me." the crow replied and then flew off at a great speed. Luna knew better than to trust crows, everyone knew that they were liars, yet she followed it anyway. She flapped her little wings as fast as she could and struggled to keep up. "I can't" she shouted with what little energy she had left, "you're too damn fast". The crow turned its beak around and simply replied "Choose. Fly or die". Luna chose to fly and closed her eyes and focussed every inch of her energy on that action. She imagined a great big pile of lovely mashed spuds at the end of the flight and it helped to spur her onwards. After what felt like an eternity she opened her beady little bird eyes and saw that they were now flying over Hogwarts. Luna had never had a tropical fruit dream take her here before. Then again, it wasn't just the dream that had chosen this path. "Now you must learn more about yourself and this whole situation" said the crow who then flew up high into the air above Luna and then swooped down attacked her with a single swipe. Luna's sparrow was too weak to even imagine doing anything other accept its fate and she felt herself hurtling towards a window in the highest tower. She closed her eyes and braced for either death or waking up but instead she felt herself hit the window at great speed. The sparrow splatted horribly and slid down and fell towards the ground, but Luna's spirit continued on through the window and landed somewhere else. She opened her eyes amazed to be alive and still in the dream and she looked down. Little flippy bits where hands should have been, what the fuck was this? Before she could examine herself more she heard a sound from down the corridor and she froze and kept herself upright. It was Lord Varys, Luna recognised his immediately from just earlier in the chapter, what was going on. "No worries Alfred" he said with his trademark slippery smooth tongue, "I'm here on important business with old Dumbly" and he walked on past Luna who now realised that she was the magical seal and she was sat outside the teacher's lounge. The door closed firmly shut and she heard an aged bearded voice from inside say "ah Varys, tis a pleasure to see you again. Now we are away from prying ears let us discus."


	58. As He Flew From The Trysting Free

**Chapter 57 - As He Flew From the Trysting Tree With a Yaffleing Call**

"How are you finding our facilities?" asked Dumbledoor although it was obvious that Varys was happy here as he had a great big smile on his face. "It is excellent good sir, but that is not the reason we are here." Varys replied. "You can come out now" said Dumbledoor towards the infamous bookcase in the corner of the room and Luna heard the footsteps of someone from the corner of the room. "Lord Varys, I see you made it here after all. How was your journey?" asked the unmistakable voice of Severeus Snap. "It was delightful, the ship had some excellent suckling pig and more chips that you could imagine." Varys said, "but anyway, now that the pleasantries have been done and were thouroughly pleasant, let's talk business." Luna heard them all sit down and she heard two pipes being lit. The seal's hearing abilities were much stronger than human hearing and Luna made the msot of this. "So, how did you escape?" asked Varys. "Simple" Snape replied, "I hid in a box with their stuff to escape Azkaban. Once we landed they all went off to the toilets as their evil ways had rendered their bladders weak and about the size of a terry's chocolate orange. So while they were pissing, I got out and found a very convenient carpet merchant's ship docked nearby and I climbd inside and rolled myself up in the carpet and went on my way. It was suprisingly comfy." he laughed and they all laughed with him. "So what do we know about their intentions?" asked Dumbledoor. "They seemed like they had some plan, something major up their sleeves. They mentioned having a very reliable contact, but I couldn't make out any more than that" Snape replied sadly. "Oh perhaps I can fill you in on that" said Varys, "I have heard that they will be making their move over the next few days. They will be moving over to where they indeed have a very powerful ally. For, you see, when you expelled Crabbe to Hull he made the most of it. Over the past year he has been growing his empire up from the ground and despite starting as a petty criminail, he now leads a gang empire that has links to Luscious, Hans, and supposedly many others. I had one link a while ago who started to give details of how far it could go, but that bird did not live too long sadly." "Can we stop them reaching Hull?" Dumbledoor asked. "No chance I'm afraid" replied Varys, "they are too far away, by the time we could intercept they would already be within the protection of Crabbe's empire." "We will continue to monitor this situation then" said a solemn Snape, "but I don't think I should reveal my presence to the students again. Not after what was done in my name and in my body." Snape looked so ashamed, like he had just done a big ol' dookie under the dining room table when the family were eating dinner. At least that's how Luna imagined him. "I have explained the whole situation" said Dumbledoor who put his hand on the oily man's shoulder and brought him in for a hug, "Severeus, oh sweet little Severeus. You have always been a bit of a delicate flower. I have explained everything to the rest of the school about your situation and they all see you as a tragic hero and will welcome you back with open arms." Varys interrupted their sweet embrace by saying "also, now that Azkaban is gone you need not worry about being gay together, there is nobody who will stop you. Or if they try to then they can be dealt with in certain ways." Varys always had a way of making anythign sound suspish, even if it was good. If he offered you a nice cup of tea then you would think it was either poison or Tetleys. Luna was ready to hear more and more but as it turned out, Seals were lazy animals and despite her best efforts at staying awake and in control, she felt the weight of her blubber and fell asleep and woke up a few hours later in her bed in the Gryfindoor room.

As everyone else had their breakypoos and all of the morning routine returned to normal Luna ran across the school and ignored all of her friends and went to talk to Dumbledoor. The trees were fully grown and green now and the summer colours filled the sky. Sweet smells of sexy plants who were spreading their tasty pollen about filled the air. Luna normally loved to stop suddenly at plants, bring flowers to her nose and deeply take in the scents of nature in summer, but this time she was in too much of a hurry. She could help them, she was sure. She knew Crabbe, or at least she thought she did, and she figured that if her and Snape both used their tropical fruit dream powers to go over to Hull that they could sort things out. She ran through the courtyards, passed the trees, past the younger students, and up to the teacher's kitchen area where she knew Dumbledoor would be stood making his signature fry-up breakfasts that you could always smell throughout the school in the mornings. She knocked on the big heavy door, shaking the veneer with the strength of her tough tips. She heard footspets come towards her and then the door opened and revealed Dumbledoor in his apron that had the words 'May I Suggest The Sausage' on the front in bold print. "What is the matter Luna?" he asked. "I must confess something to you" she said and she was in turn welcomed in and once inside and alone with the old man with a beard she confessed everything. She told him about her dreams that she had been having and about last night with the seal adn that she had heard everything. "I can see why you are unsettled then child" he replied, "but why did you feel the need to come to me about this?". "Because I think I have an idea on how to stop them." she said with Irish confidence, "if me and Snape were to use our powers to infiltrate Hull and discoer what is going on there we can-" she started before Dumbledoor interrupted her, "Snape's powers?" he asked with a confused look, "what powers are these?" Luna seemed perplexed, "the tropical fruit dreams, seeing the past and other places and all that." Dumbly shook his head, "I'm afraid those powers are not his. There is a distinct difference between what you can do and what he can do. He entered Rincewind's dream because Rincewind was the object of desire for him, although only because he gave up on me as an obvious first choice. When you have what you call a tropical fruit dream you are entering existences of other living things past, present, and future and letting your soul traverse space and time. That is different to entering dreams." Luna took this in, "how many are there like me?" she asked. "I don't know. I have heard of few but never met one in person in all my many years." Luna seemed even more alone than before and was about to cry. "Come on girl, nothing has changed, we'll have breakfast and figure out a plan later on. If we are going to fight for a normal life that we want to live, then we must experience it enough to remember what it is really like. Luna turned away to head off and get ready for the most important meal of the day when she stopped. "Wait," she turned, "if these powers are separate then how did I remotely access Rincewind's dream the same time as Snap?" Dumbledoor turned around with a smile and said, "that's one for you to figure out dear" and he returned to his succulent sausages and closed the door and Luna went back to the Gryfindoor halls. On her way back she heard a voice just as she was going up the stairs. "Young lady, would you perchance be free to have a small chat with me?". It was Lord Varys who was stood next to a creepy doorway and indicating her to come in. She really didn't have much of a say in the matter so she followed him in.


	59. A Tide Before The Setting Sun

**Chapter 58 - A Tide Before the Setting Sun**

It was a dark and somewhat unsettling room that Luna found herself inside. The walls had ears she realised but then she put this down to the previous DatDA teacher having an odd fascination with taxidermy so she just shrugged it off. She found a small seat that looked rather odd and rickety but actually proved to feel incredibly comfortable. "So what do you want to discuss sir?" she asked nervously like an innocent piece of kale wandering into the territory of a ravenous vegan. "It is a matter of great seriousity I'm afraid" he said turning around another seat and parking his large arse on it, "as much as I would love to discuss frivolities and whatnot." He took a sip of what appeared to be wine. "I know about your dreams Luna. I'm afraid that your ability to have these dreams really puts us all in a rather sticky situation. You might end up being the only person who can stop things from escalating, but you must be of single mind as you do so." Luna seemed confused and didn't have a reply. "I have known of one other with your ability" he continued, this really perked up Luna's otherwise slightly droopy ears, "and I believe that you may have met him as well in one of your dreams. I'm afraid though, his life is not one which you would like to follow. He is a good soul and a good person, but I would ot wish his life on anyone, let alone a sweet thing like you" he continued and placed a reassuring hand on her knee. Luna was a little creeped out by this. "What are you doing?" she asked scared looking at her hand, "oh" he said pulling back, "don't worry about that. I do not have the equipment to do anything of that regard." and he pointed laughingly to where his cock would have been if he had not lost it years ago. "I'm afraid that I will have to ask of you something that I would not ask anyone given the choice" he said solemnly, "you must leave the school next year and meet up with the one other who I know to share your ability. You must tell nobody of this, especially Rincewind. He already knows far too much. For the others we can convince them with lies of some weird mental illness thing or the dark magic of the baddies from the pervious chapters, but it is imperitive that they must not know that they live." "Why is that then?" said Luna getting a bit cross, "you sound just like fucking Snape earlier when he wanted none of the students to know about the howling and what it brought. It is imortant that they can prepare for what is coming." she said defiantly like a punk rock star like Avril Lavigne (fuck yeahh). Varys sighed, "this is the hardest part my sweet. If there was indeed anything that they could do to help this then I would insist we awake them from their beds immediately and get a start preparing now. But I'm afriad they cannot do anything about it. At the very least, they cannot get involved in your mission to meet the other greenseer."

Luna's mind slipped for a second and she remembered the dream of last night, she remembered the bird in great detail, more than she had before. It was as though she paused her dream midway and could wander freely around it. Upon close inspection she noticed something that had been staring her in the face all this time. The crow had a third eye, right in between the other two like a bindi but higher and with the rest of an eye in it. She brought herself back again. "The three eyed crow?" she asked. Varys got even more pale than normal which was impressive as he looked borderline Aberdonian levels of pale. "You have met him then I see. Be very careful with him. He is a man of great power but his morals and feelings lie unknown even to me." "I still feel I should talk to Rincewind about this" she said, "he has been a constant source of friendship to me for the past year and he has shared these dreams with me, perhaps he can help." "ABSOLUTELY NOT" the man said showing the first hint of any storng emotion, "you must be of singular mind. Rincewind is too much of a distraction to you. If you do not stop thinking of him then your priorities might change and if things take...a turn...for the less than optimal...then you might not be able to do what is needed of you to do." Thinking of Rincewind? What was this bald nutter talking about. He was a great friend but that was everything. Luna had no real interest in him she was sure of this. She slipped back again. This time to the dream when she slipped into Rincewind's dream and saw Snap. This was again paused and she was allowed to wander freely around it. She laughed a bit at the gay ass shit taht teenage Rincewind had up on his walls. Posters of bands that were really edgy looking and must have made him feel edgy to listen to them. He even had a poster of YMAS on the ceiling above his bed. It was cute and Luna felt a connection to it. She was always a bit alternative herself, she just thought it was funny to see this side of Rincewind. She then suddenly rememebered something though and she snapped out of the dream. She rememebered that Snape had only been able to enter Rincewind's dream as he had a desire for him. How then was Luna able to enter his dream like that? She remembered the song from Groundhog Day and her birthday party and all of that. "Oh shit" she realised. This was awkward as fuck now. Rincewind could never know about this. Either he would hate her for this and he would always linger on her mind and distract her from the mission or he would go along with it and by the sounds of what the bald expert was saying then things would go tits up for sure. "I understand" she said to Varys, "I must leave now" and she walked out rudely interrupting their conversation which Varys already knew to be over.

After the breakfast frivolity and casual banter Rincewind went back to his room to get changed. Everything was nice again, old Ginny was back after being rescued from the dungeons where fake Ginny had locked her up for ages. Thankfully Ginny had a lot of fat on her so she survived by letting her body slowly eat itself over months, so not only was she back and alive and happy but she looked real good too! Rincewind had noticed though that Luna was nowhere to be seen. He had figured that now that things were back to normal and all of the troubles that they had were gone alongside Luscious and all those pricks that he could try and escalate his friendship with Luna, perhaps see if she wanted to grab a butter or beer with him sometime. He wasn't sure if she had been putting down any signals herself but he would find out when he saw her next. The bell rang out for the first period of classes and Luna wasn't there to attend them, nor was she at the second either. During the break they had between second and third classes Rincewind went up to go and talk to someone about this. He tried Neville who was really cute and tried to be helpful but he had gotten bad brain freeze again from eating ice-cream despite knowing that it does this to him and was incapacitated. Captain Arr was at the gym and Hermione was reading books like the big bookwormy nerd she was. He laughed at this though as he didn't want to bully her over this because despite her status as huge nerd she was at least useful to keep around for knowledge and things like that. Ginny and Harry were having weird make up sex with clown outfits because they were enjoying this new lease on life and experimenting with fetishes and stuff like that. He would have tried to talk to Dumbledoor but he wanted to give him some space to deal with the loss of his dear Snap, so he walked over to Lee Jordan's old room and opened it expecting to see Gandalf. Inside the room he did indeed see Gandalf but he also saw Snap!

"Good god man!" Rincewind exclaimed, "what are you- how are- you- you're still alive?!". "Yes but let's keep it down if we want to keep it that way idiot" the slimy man said back. He may have been a tragic hero now brought back from the dead but he was still the king of sass. "What's going on?" Rincewind said in a more appropriate and quieter voice. "Snape has survived as you can plainly see" explained Gandalf, "but he is not safe here, so shortly after he is reintroduced to the rest of the school properly he will be having to leave on a small 'business trip' for his own safety and to also do some important things." Rincewind thought this seemed kinda normal, "oh, that's fine." "And you and a select few other Gryfindoors will be going with him. We will have the excuse ready then, but you will all be needed to help protect everyone against the sneaky fuckers who all escaped Azkaban." This was the first Rincewind had heard of any other this and he was taken aback naturally. "This goes deeper than we thought" admitted Gandalf, "Luscious, Hans, The Howling and Crabbe, it keeps getting deeper". He then explained the situation about Crabbe and his gang. "So wait, why are they attacking the school?" Rincewind asked with naivety. "They aren't attacking the school fool" snapped Snap, "it is the whole world. Howlings have been now detected all over the place, albeit sparsely. If we don't stop it then we will all be destroyed." "Everyone?" Renciwind asked. "EVERYONE!" shouted Snape like Sirius Black in Leon.

During lunch Rincewind had still not seen any sign of Luna when he heard the tannoy go loudly, "we will having an urgent assembly at lunch today to mark the end of what has been quite a dramatic year of turmoil for all of us here at Hogwarts. If you could please make your way to the great hall immediately that would be excellent" said Flitwick over the speaker. It was nice to hear his chipper little voice once again, life without the birthday announcements was a bit dull. Everyone piled into the hall, Rincewind sat down with his friends and got ready for the assembly. Flitwick used his boosted seat to raise him up so that he could be seen by everyone and announced the birthdays to glorious cheer and uproar. After that nice moment was done he went back to his normal seat feeling real good about himself and let Dumbelldoor take the stage. "This has been quite a terrible year in a lot of ways. People have died all over the place and havoc has been had all over the school and surrounding areas. Normally we do have at least a few issues in a school year but this year has been pretty crayballs even by our standards and for that I apologise. However, these events have allowed us all to further ourselves as hman beings, to become stronger and more experienced and ready for the rest of life and what it may bring. And life experience isn't just worht nothing but a casual mention on a CV, it is worth something much more important than that. It's worth…" and a man hit the drums in such a way as to create the sound of a drumroll "HOUSE POINTS!" and everyone cheered and got excited. "So firstly, looking at the table, we have Slytherin, then next we have Ravenclaw, thirdly we have Hufflepuff who try real hard, and lastly we have Gryfindoor." People semed upset by this and some of the Gryfindoors including Neville shouted obscenities. "But" continued Dumbleodor "considering that they were all kicked out of the school for most of the year I have decided to take into consideration their actions outwith the school environment, in particularly those of our new student Rincewind and old favourite Luna and given this consideration I can say that-" he said before being interrupted by Luna, "actually sir, there has been a mistake." everyone gasped. Luna has a small tear in her eye, the shade of the dark and conflicted emotional state of the sky at night. "It appears that everyone, including myself has forgotten that I am a natural born Ravenclaw and I should not spend time or effort contributing to Gryfindoor." she said trying to hold back the night black tears. "Is this true?" Dumbledoor asked his hat which would otherwise be silly but his hat could talk sometimes. "Aye tis true and no mistake" the hat replied in a hilarious hat accent. "Very well" said Dumbledoor who brought out a calculator, "given this then Gryinfindoor finish in second place and Ravenclaw have won the house cup!" and everyone in Ravenclaw cheered as they imagined their Big Mac meals and people started to celebrate, all apart from the core group of Gryfindoors who all felt betrayed by Luna like WTF! People kept on cheering for what seemed like a ludacris amount of time when Dumbledoor grabbed the mic once more and shouted, "also Snape has survived!" and Snape walked out and everyone celeberated even louder than before and kept clapping and cheering and throwing food about in sheer joy and bliss. "And Hagrid is here too!" Dumbledoor shouted one last time and fucking Hagrid walked int through the big door at the back and everyone ran over and hugged him and cheered even more. Hagrid was never thought missing but it was still nice to do because he was a little simple and it made him happy. The cheering kept going and going and it seemed like it would never end. Rincewind was happy enough though, the cheering had gotten to him and he felt joy as he looked around as saw all the smiling faces of people he either knew or vaguely recognised. Then across the hall he spotted Luna and felt a mix of emotions. He felt betrayed, heartbroken, sorry, and still somewhere in him he still liked her despite everything. The cheering seemed to quieten down for him as he looked over and watched her celebrate with her new Ravenclaw friends. He saw her turn her head and happen to catch eye contact with him. After a long awkaward second she smiled at him and he turned his head away and didn't look back again as he returned to the perpetual cheering.


	60. The Sun Has Set

**Chapter 59 - The Sun Has Set**

The winds were stormy and they created large unmanageable waves in the sea. This was the weather for seasickness and generally feeling shit but it did not matter to the crew of this small boat. They finally arrived after an eternity on water and were greeted off the boat by two large burly men guarding the port to the smog covered city that smelled like fermented shit mixed with piss water and old dead fish. "Mr. Crabster sends his apologies for the weather sirs" one of them said in a barely intelligible voice, "welcome to Hull."


End file.
